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Re: So what now.
Nov 13, 2004
Wow! Elated, you pretty much described EXACTLY where Im at. It does help a little to know Im not alone. I guess its true when they say misery loves company ;) .
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Each day is actually getting worse for me. Everyone says let it go, it'll get better....last night was the worst. I think I hit rock bottom and I truly hope it was rock bottom because I can't deal with anything worse.[/quote].
Yeah, I think the last few nights have been my bottom. Like you, I dont think it can get worse. Wed and Thurs were especially bad. I was almost to the point it was beyond depression. I was just numb and in a fog. I sat down in front of the computer and realized at one point that I had been sitting there for 10 minutes...not thinking, not doing anything, just sitting there staring at the wall in a daze. It was weird.
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Every minute is painful...the mornings are the worst. When and if I sleep the first thought before I even open my eyes is him. Then its "hes gone"..and even just typing that makes my knees weak.[/quote]
Yeah I agree on that one. I hate mornings right now. Waking up for that split second and then having everything flood back in is horrible. There is one thing that I think of sometimes that at least takes a little of the edge away. There was a Simpsons episode where Marge kicked Homer out of the house and he was sleeping in the back yard. He woke up one morning with a big smile on his face and said, "Ah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn". I know...kind of silly, but it makes me smile at least. Even Homer knows what its like ;) .

[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Last night I HAD to get drunk in order to numb the pain. I know its not the best thing to do, but I felt like I had no other choice. I had exhausted every other possible outlet. I just couldn't take it anymore.[/quote]
I can definitely understand that, but this isnt an option for me. Im a recovering alcoholic and Ive been sober several years. She can break my heart and mess with my head, but theres no way in hell Im going to lose my sobriety over her.

[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]I'm scared because I don't remember ever being this depressed. I'm scared because I thought I have come so far through counseling and maturity and I feel like a scared little kid.[/quote]
Thanks, its good to know Im not alone. It is scary. On Thurs night, I was just wondering how long this could continue and if I could handle it if it did.
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]I know, I wish I could stop thinking about him. It almost feels like a form of obsession. I know its over, but I keep thinking how could he do this? I thought I knew him better. How can someone be so cold hearted?[/quote]
I think the exact same thing. I have started to wonder if Im obsessing over this. At least Im not doing anything directly to her though. Im not calling 100 times a day or sending her dozens of letters (or worse). Im obsessing in my head though. Ive lately started to realize I never really told her how much I liked her and I dont think this wouldve made a difference, but it still bugs me.
And yes, Im wondering how someone could be as cold hearted also. I gave her everything I had and she treated me like I didnt matter. She ended things with a message on my answering machine. How cold is that? She didnt even give me a chance to say goodbye. I thought I knew her too, but Im starting to wonder how well I really think I knew her. I knew she could be mean and uncaring, but never thought she would be that way with me.
I also gave it my 100%...maybe more even. And she completely just tossed me aside with just a message. I also treated her better than any man ever has (according to her) and it still didnt matter.
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Looking at other men make me sick to my stomach. The only people hitting on me are guys who just want one thing. So that makes me feel even more sick. The thought of living my life without him, literally is unbearable.[/quote]

I hear you on this one too. Ill see women at the gym that I find attractive, but the thought of getting physical with any of them or even getting involved with any of them immediately brings me back to the ex and it completely makes me feel like Im going to throw up.

[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]I've always heard that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I'm not so sure. I'm not handling this at all. Its only getting worse and just like you, my depression is just awful. I'm always on the verge of tears. I can just see one thing, one minor little thing happen and me completely loose it in front of the world.[/quote]
Ive heard that saying a lot too and Im also not sure I agree with it, but I guess the fact that were still around and able to talk about things says something. The tears thing is hard too. I almost started crying at dinner with a friend of mine the other night. That was hard. She noticed and Im not sure if she knew what to do really, but we both acted like it didnt happen.

[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]I'm not sure if or how to get through this. So I have no real advice to offer you, other than you're not alone even though you feel like NOBODY could be feeling as bad as you. Trust me, I am. All your posts describe me and what I'm going through.[/quote]
I know we can get through this, its going to be hard though and I really am not looking forward to feeling this way for however long it takes. I think the only thing we can do is wait and keep believing that one day it wont hurt as much. Ive been heartbroken before (not this bad though) and it feels like the pain will never stop, but it does. I just need to keep believing that.

Elated, which meds have you tried, Ive been on 3 and didnt have any really bad side effect or withdrawl...well I didnt like Paxil cause it made me not care about anything, but the others were ok. Im currently on Wellbutrin and its working ok...well it was until this week anyways.

Anyways, I just want to be through this and its not happening. Tonight was really hard. My friend told me about 3 women checking me out at the resturant and I wasnt even remotely interested.





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