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Ok, enough about my life's drama for a bit, I need some advise about one of my friends.

She is 26 years old, and her b/f is 30. They have been together about a year.

First let me give you some history on her. She has had 1 other serious b/f of 8 years. He was a jerk who cheated on her ALL the time, but she doesn't know that, or won't admit it anyway. They split up about 2-3 years ago, and now she is with this one. She has low self esteem. But she has alot going for her. She comes from money, and her family just built her cottages to run (a business), and is building her a place to live where the cottages are. They bought her an SUV.

Now some history on him. He is 30. Has a 10 year old child by a woman he wasn't married to but had a relationship with until he beat her. Then he contacted Herpes (which my friend knew about when she met him). Then he met another girl (may have been the one he got herpes from) who he beat up on a regular basis. He has been up for assult charges on at least 2 g/f's that I know of. Over the spring he went to the city and for some unkown reason beat his cab driver and was put on house arrest, and just got off. He is a fisherman who can't keep a job because he ends up either not showing up or mouthing off.

He lives with her. He pays for NOTHING! She just moved out of her apartment and into her new place. He had beat holes in all of the walls, and when the landlord said something to them about paying for it, he completely mouthed off to him. He has completely taken over her vehicle and pretty much rim-racked it. She now drives one of her father's trucks. He has cheated on her who knows how many times. She knows. He is always being caught at his ex's house by her or her family (the one before my friend), and once picked up a hitch hiker and slept with her. My friend found out because he was bregging about it somewhere and someone told her.

He has now started using drugs. He has always been into the "gateway" drugs, and she accepted that, but now is on Extacy, Cocaine, etc. alot as well.

One time he was leaving in her vehicle and she wanted to come with. He said no I"m going to ____'s house (his ex before her), to do some cocaine. So she said well I'll come with you and wait it the car. (?????????????)
So she did. And he didn't come out. She had to call one of her friends to come and pick her up. (IT WAS HER VEHICLE).

Last Christmas when they were only together about a month she tried to impress him and went out and bought a high defination tv for him that was about $2000.00. She put it on her visa and is still paying for it. He had it about a month, they got in a fight, so he sold it to his grand parents for $200 so her could buy drugs.

THe last straw for us as friends is that she came the other day with bruises on her jaw. She pointed them out right away and said that her dog gave her a bruise. We were suspisious and asked her mother what she thought the bruises were from and her she had told her mother that when putting her rabbits back in the cage it bruised her.

We've sat her down and tried talking to her but it does no good. She swears he isn't beating her. She sees us as attacking her and juddging her. We are not trying to do that in the least. We are concerned, and it's very hard when she tells us these stories and then just laughs at them. She says she's with him because he needs help and everyone else in his life has just left him and she will not. She wants to be there for him. He obviously doesn't want to be helped. He makes no attempt to seek treatment or cousnelling.

We live in a small town. I think that she is throwing her life away. Who is going to want to go with her now, knowing that she has been with a guy with Herpes for the past year? I think she thinks that too.

As friends, we are left feeling helpless......anyone have any advise?
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]

Its hard to watch your friend go down this path, but theres not much you can do if shes not willing to listen. .[/QUOTE]


Elated is right here.... As a freind there is so much that you can do. Help her out the best possible way yout can but she will make her decision and see where life takes her from there. This is a terrible position for her to be in but maybe she see different than most do but only time will tell. You get an A for being a caring friend though.
[QUOTE=CalistaClap We are just waiting for when her b/f starts beating up her new place that her family just built for her. I know it will happen.[/QUOTE]



wow :eek:

Well hopefully she will come to her senses then and move away from that but sometimes people dont like to hear what other have to say and you have to just sit back and wait for them to learn it the hard way. Its all about expierence and some people do change but most people that are abusive dont unless they went through alot to change. Look at LittleLostSouls thread and you'll know what I mean. I do wish her the best and thank for being a caring friend to her. :angel:
[QUOTE=healthseeker]
You know Calista, I have read a ton of your posts and have posted on a lot of the same ones as you. I always notice your clear, sound advice and find myself agreeing with you on so many topics. I am so sorry that this behaviour is so close to home for you - it must be very painful and frustrating for you to watch. You need a break from this - that kind of stress knocks you down quickly! :yawn: Keep us posted...

Jan :wave:[/QUOTE]

Thanks Jan.

It is very hard to see a friend going through this. She and I both work alot so it's not something that I am faced with all that much, but I still know that it is going on.

It's hard thinking that I am going to have to be someone who adds more stress to her very stressed out life now to try to help her. I"m not sure if I can do that.

I have a feeling if I (and our other close friends) say something to that extent that it may drive her away from us. She is a stubborn girl. She also has a group of friends (well cousins) that we know (we used to be quite good friends when we were in high school), but do not "hang out with" so to speak because they too are into the drug scene and don't have anything nice to say about anyone else except themselves. I have a feeling that she may take our tough love the wrong way and be pushed into hanging out with the wrong crowd more often then she would if we didn't.

She has said that she enjoys hanging out with them because she feels that they do not judge her for being with her b/f like we do. Of course they don't, they are all too high on the drug of the day. These cousins of hers were the ones who introduced and incouraged them to get together (knowing his history of drugs and abuse and diseases.) Of course when my friend is not around they are the first ones to talk about her behind her back for being with him.

Anyways it is a tough situation to be in. I am going to discuss this with my groups of friends to see what they have to say about this option.

Wouldn't it be so nice if you could just show people their life from someone else's eyes? :eek:
You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your friends' lovers.

With that in mind, there is really nothing you can do about this situation in terms of making her "see the light" or "get out", etc.

People will usually do what they want or are compelled to do, even with well meaning suggestions repeatedly put right in front of them.

The only thing you can do is make a decision on how to handle/react to this situation when the topic is brought up, and continue to make positive suggestions as a way to possibly point her in a different direction.

Sometimes it's even healthy to tell her that you are going to take a step back from participating in these types of conversations because no matter how the conversations go, her behaviors about this relationship haven't changed, so no problem solving is really being done. It's not about being non-supportive, it's about controlling the level of frustration you feel when trying to "talk some sense" into her and her needing to find a more appropriate (professional) outlet to discuss her situation - a little emotional independence on her part from you may inspire her to problem-solve herself a little more. It's easy to vent, but harder to change. And change has got to come from her.

Believe it or not, your friend is getting something out of this relationship, and the way she is being treated and allowing herself to be stepped on. Until she makes a decision to figure out that part of her, she will probably continue to gravitate to this or end up in similiar situations.

Bottom line - If your friend isn't doing anything about her situation, there's nothing else you can do to back her except lend an ear and offer supportive suggestions, or talk to her about curtailing her conversations to you on this issue.

It's difficult no matter how you proceed - it's hard to watch someone you care about go through something so needless.





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