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My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 2 years at the end of this month. We lived together for a few months last year, then he left to give his marriage one last shot. It was over between us. To make a long story short, things got messy. But, he eventually left her for good 1 year ago this month. We have been together since. His divorce was final in August.

He and I both drank too much...he is an alcoholic...and I was well on my way to becoming an alcoholic. He also got violent when drunk and there have been several arrests and that caused resentments. I resented being abused; he resented getting arrested.

The ex-wife absolutely hates me and I can understand that. She blames me for everything. Although I admit that I deserve some of the blame, she fails to recognize that I did not put a gun to his head and force him to be with me. Both he, AND she have some responsibility to bear for the end of their marriage as well. She doesn't see it that way and over the past months would continuoulsy call up at all hours, drunk, and tell him over and over again how it was all my fault, I don't love him, I ruined his life, I'm the reason he was arrested, his family hates, me, etc. I mean, one time he got drunk, rammed the back of my car with his while I was driving. A police detective witnessed it and he was arrested for assualt. This was his action, but, she blames me. He finally admits that hurting me was wrong, and, he was responsible for it. But, she, I guess because of the booze and an unwillingness to look at her role in things can only find cause to blame me for everything. BTW, she has had a boyfriend for several months now, but still sees fit to try and keep control over her ex-husband.

We have both been going to AA mtgs. and I also go to Al-Anon mtgs. He and I were sober for over 100 days. At the beginning of his sobriety, which wasn't too far before his divorce was final, he said he needed to pull away from me a little to concentrate on his sobriety. I understood that because after going to the meetings, that's what I've learned he needed to do. But, being a woman, I sensed something else was going on. He wasn't reading his AA big book or literature, he did not have a sponsor, he didn't call AA people between meetings, etc. I did a little snooping and found out that since his divorce, he has been speaking to his ex alot. In 1 month, he called her over 79 times. He said he just needed someone to talk to. I said fine, if you feel that there are things you need to talk about to someone other than me, if you are concentrating on your sobriety, you should be talking with people in the program, not another drunk!

After confronting him and discussing it further, he said that what I suggested had made sense, and he said he wouldn't call her again. I would ask him periodically if he has talked to her and he would always say no. Well, the next phone bill was ready for viewing and he called her over 94 times. I was hurt and angry. I confronted him about his lies and deception, and admit, I was NOT nice about it at all. I was brutal and said many cruel things which, although I was justified to be hurt and angry, shouldn't have verbally attacked him in the way that I did. I did later apologize for it, but it seems as though he can't forgive me.

So, here is a man, trying to concentrate on his sobriety, talking to his ex, who still drinks alot, and everyday hearing things over and over again about how bad I am for him. Unless you have a strong sense of yourself and your beliefs, and in his new sobriety, eventually he began to believe everything she said about me and treated me like the low-life she has said that I am. He says I don't love him, never loved him and never will love him. (This was a word-for-word message that she left him that I heard).

He had a slip, went back to drinking for 9 days. During that time, he slept at her place for 2 nights...she gave him money...he spent it on booze. They went out to lunch, they both drank, and she paid their lunch and bar tab. I go to AA mtgs. with him and support his recovery, she give supports his booze. I don't know if she knows that he used the money to buy booze, but she certainly was aware of supporting his booze habit when she paid for the bar tab!

When he stopped drinking again, he said that he understands how much he hurts me and he is willing to do anything to keep us together. He will be honest and not deceive me anymore, and WILL NOT TALK TO HER AGAIN.

Sunday we had a fight about bills. I walked out and cooled off for a few hours. He locked his keys in the apt. and I guessed got angry that I wouldn't come and rescue him. I since found out that after that, he began talking to her, yet again!!!

I told him that every couple has problems and disagreements. And, everytime you talk to her, you begin to pull away from me again. It's like she holds the strings and each time she moves one, he obeys! He parrots her thoughts and feelings! I said if she is in your life, influencing you, then, it directly influences our relationship. By her being in your life, she is therefore in mine....she is still drinking, certainly NOT objective when it comes to me, and therefore is detrimental to our relationship.

He now wants to leave and get his own place. He says that "I" interfere with his sobriety!!!! I wrote him a long letter explaining my feelings, telling him that we are on the same path in the AA/Al-Anon recovery. We are both taking inventory of our mistakes, learning to correct them, and if we follow these steps, we will be better individuals and we will relate better as a couple. I also included things we can work on together...better communication skills, time-out when discussions get a little heated, etc. But, you need to give it more than just 9 days of sobriety! In other words, I felt he never gave me or us a fair chance with sobriety!

He says he still loves me, but wants his own place and he made this decision on Sunday. I asked are you absolutely sure that you want us to end, and you get your own place. He said yes. I said that you understand that when it's over, it's over. He said yes. I said I'm still willing to work on it if he was willing. He said he's not willing.

Well then, ok! I have no choice but to accept that. I tried everything that was within my power but if he's not willing, we have no chance. So, I asked him to bring boxes home so that he could begin packing up his stuff. He told me not to tell him what to do!

He wants to be in his new place, when he finds one by Dec. 1. I said fine, I will stay in this apartment, which I told him. What I didn't tell him is that I called the landlord to have his name removed from the lease, and am requesting that the locks be changed.

He called me later (yesterday) acting like nothing had changed between us. He came home and put his arms around me and wanted a hug. Before I knew it he was hugging me. I said that I can't do this. He asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee, I said no thank you. He asked if I wanted to go with him to an AA meeting. I said that I would drive myself thank you. We only have 1 bed and I don't have a problem with him sleeping next to me, but he starts touching my hair, my face, (nothing sexual, just very tenderly) more lovingly than he ever did before. I told him that he can't do this anymore. He said he knows, but it's hard for him not too. He is acting as if we are still together. He is wondering what is wrong with me. Why am I so distant? Gee...I wonder!

I told him that since he's moving out and ending our relationship, that we have to stop acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. And, that when he moves out he can't call me or contact me. He needs to do what he thinks is best for him and I have to accept that, but I need to also move on and do what's best for me. And that means, no that I can heal! He can't have his cake and eat it too!

He said that this morning, I 'forced him' into the decision of moving out when I asked him what we were doing about December's rent....the landlord needed to know for sure by the 15th. [I]Note that I said earlier that he told me that he had already decided on Sunday that he was movning out.[/I] So yet again, he makes a decision and holds me responsible for it.

We went to the AA mtg. separately. Afterwards we had a good talk about the program and the many positive changes in ourselves as a result. It was the best talk we had in a long time. He said I was funny, and animated again when I was talking about different things.

He also said that if we didn't fight so much, that he wouldn't be moving out. What this says to me is, "why can't you accept that I'm going to lie to you"...."why do you hold me responsible for my behavior"...."why can't you overlook or ignore the bad things I say and do to you"? I asked him, what would you do if I did those things to you. He said I would leave. DUH!!!

This morning before he left he said that he wants to talk about why he's leaving the apartment and the fact that it [I]has nothing to do with wanting to leave me.[/I]

I'm so confused. First he says he's leaving me because I interfere with his sobriety, then he says if we didn't fight so much he wouldn't leave, then he says that by leaving, it has nothing to do with wanting to leave me.

HELP!!!! I'm getting so confused! Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks, Gianna

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