It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Re: Still trying
Nov 15, 2004
[QUOTE=CalistaClap]
Other times when we are getting along fine, i'm not irritated, he almost finds things to argue with me about.[/QUOTE]

This guy is ruled by his emotions, I'd guess it's displaced frustration because you won't move back in (??)

[QUOTE]
All I had time for in life was work and him. I said that I'm not letting him smuther me again, and it seems that he is fighting me on it. He appologized, and agreed with me that time with friends and family is important. But he seems to think that it should only happen on the week days and the week ends should be with him. [/QUOTE]

I'm glad your standing your ground, but it sure seems that things that are normally a 'given' in a relationship (like time w/family, friends..) you have to fight for :confused: and even then, he's still putting himself first -- which is the running theme through this entire post: it's all about HIM.....how upset, lonely, mad and extraordinarily insecure he is...and why are you doing this? why won't you just move back in and everything will be fine again? (I'm guessing this is his argument to you?)...Well, I'm glad you're not falling for it.

You have extraordinary patience, for sure! :) All couples go through growing pains, you either get stronger or you end....it just seems your the one who's doing the growing...and he's fighting it at every step. To me, he doesn't know the meaning of mature love. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants and expects you to accomodate his schedule. I know your working hard to change this, but do you think he's capable or willing for the long haul? Until he starts to think 'we' instead of 'me, first'...you may be spinning your wheels..

And your comment about wishing you wouldn't get annoyed w/his constant 'i love you's' and hugs....you are reacting normally....it's another example of his immaturity-- you asked him to prove his love to you....that doesn't mean *literally* by repetitively saying it :rolleyes: That would drive anyone batty!

I guess if you have to spell it out to him, you could say it has a lot more to do w/consideration and respect, see if that helps..
Just from my own experience w/in my marriage; although I'd love to think every quirk of mine (ingrained or temporary) is nothing less than completely endearing to my husband ;) ...part of a good 'fit' in a mature relationship is having that self awareness and reading the 'ques' and realizing when I'm doing or saying something that is getting really annoying to him...so I curb it or stop it altogether, and when the situation is reversed..he does the same.

I get the sense that you go along w/things for the sake of harmony...just don't start blaming yourself, or second guessing or going along w/too much...

Calista, I hope you find some resolution soon. You have to keep moving forward but that's impossible when you spend all your time re-fighting (is that word?) the SAME fight w/your boyfriend and tending to all his emotional outbursts.

I believe if you want to make any real progress, then you've got to take firm hand w/him...and no going back on your word. Let him know that you will not move back in with him, period! and there will be NO MORE discussion of it.... and unless he can get a handle on that AND his emotions, you're not going to come over, or deal w/him. I promise you, he'll stop the crying, when YOU get up and leave, hang up the phone..etc..when he starts in...and he knows you won't tolerate it anymore.

Sorry to sound so harsh, I guess you can tell how I feel about him :rolleyes: ...but I understand you want to be certain when you make your decision...good luck...your a smart girl...I don't think he has a clue how lucky he is.
Re: Still trying
Nov 16, 2004
[QUOTE=Kay33]This guy is ruled by his emotions, I'd guess it's displaced frustration because you won't move back in (??)

I'm glad your standing your ground, but it sure seems that things that are normally a 'given' in a relationship (like time w/family, friends..) you have to fight for :confused: and even then, he's still putting himself first -- which is the running theme through this entire post: it's all about HIM.....how upset, lonely, mad and extraordinarily insecure he is...and why are you doing this? why won't you just move back in and everything will be fine again? (I'm guessing this is his argument to you?)...Well, I'm glad you're not falling for it.

You have extraordinary patience, for sure! :) All couples go through growing pains, you either get stronger or you end....it just seems your the one who's doing the growing...and he's fighting it at every step. To me, he doesn't know the meaning of mature love. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants and expects you to accomodate his schedule. I know your working hard to change this, but do you think he's capable or willing for the long haul? Until he starts to think 'we' instead of 'me, first'...you may be spinning your wheels..

And your comment about wishing you wouldn't get annoyed w/his constant 'i love you's' and hugs....you are reacting normally....it's another example of his immaturity-- you asked him to prove his love to you....that doesn't mean *literally* by repetitively saying it :rolleyes: That would drive anyone batty!

I guess if you have to spell it out to him, you could say it has a lot more to do w/consideration and respect, see if that helps..
Just from my own experience w/in my marriage; although I'd love to think every quirk of mine (ingrained or temporary) is nothing less than completely endearing to my husband ;) ...part of a good 'fit' in a mature relationship is having that self awareness and reading the 'ques' and realizing when I'm doing or saying something that is getting really annoying to him...so I curb it or stop it altogether, and when the situation is reversed..he does the same.

I get the sense that you go along w/things for the sake of harmony...just don't start blaming yourself, or second guessing or going along w/too much...

Calista, I hope you find some resolution soon. You have to keep moving forward but that's impossible when you spend all your time re-fighting (is that word?) the SAME fight w/your boyfriend and tending to all his emotional outbursts.

I believe if you want to make any real progress, then you've got to take firm hand w/him...and no going back on your word. Let him know that you will not move back in with him, period! and there will be NO MORE discussion of it.... and unless he can get a handle on that AND his emotions, you're not going to come over, or deal w/him. I promise you, he'll stop the crying, when YOU get up and leave, hang up the phone..etc..when he starts in...and he knows you won't tolerate it anymore.

Sorry to sound so harsh, I guess you can tell how I feel about him :rolleyes: ...but I understand you want to be certain when you make your decision...good luck...your a smart girl...I don't think he has a clue how lucky he is.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for that post Kay. I've told him many times that I will not move back in and that is something I tend to stick with. I am not happy there. I lived there for a year and a half and wasn't happy so I don't expect that I can ever live there and be happy when my whole life is 45 mins away.

I've been trying and trying to explain to him that I need to do these things in order to be happy. He tells me at that time that he understands, but the problem arises when he feels that he is loosing time with me, so he argues with me about it.

Another example of me getting irritated happened this morning. I, like usual worked all day, and he had work to do until into the evening. Our phone lines on my road had been out because we had a big strom, so he called me at work, and I told him that if I could when I got home I would call him, and if not he could leave a msg on my cell. My cell was dead because we also had no power, but I would be able to get a little life out of another battery I had. I went with my friend lastnight and didn't get home till about 10:45, I checked my cell msg's and he had left 5! He said the SAME thing on all 5. "hi hun, i am on my way to the cottage, i wish i could talk to you, love you bye". Every msg said the same thing, only worded differently. I didn't call him when I got home because it was late and his grandparents are down to the cottage and I didn't want to wake them up. He called 7:00 this morning as I was quickly getting ready for work, obviously the phone lines had been repaired.

He asked me 100 questions. Where were you last night, who was there, what did you do, what time did you get home, why didn't you call, did you check your msg's, I thought you didn't have phone service, when did it get fixed, etc etc etc.

I was by no means raising my voice, but I do admit that I was getting a bit of an annoyed tone in it. Then he asked why I was getting defensive, started telling me to calm down (calm down? I wasn't upset). He said that he is still scared and that no wonder he asks all these questions because I always get so defensive when I answer him. It's annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then he started crying, and I told him that I didn't have time to fight with him on the phone, I had just got out of the shower and had about 10 mins left before I had to leave. We hung up, then he called me at work to appologize. He said that he is scared blah blah blah, and he is sorry for getting cranky. Asked me if it was ok, and I just agreed (because I knew it would be another hour long fight...and i'm at work!), and said that I couldn't talk about this stuff here, that I would talk to him when I get home tonight.

This is the perfect example of WHY I AM GETTING IRRITATED!

It is such a simple thing....I went with my friend. End of story.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:23 PM.





© 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!