It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Ive been posting on this board for a long time. Some of you guys know me pretty well. I nearly got divorced last year, but my husband and I worked it all out and have recently moved out of state. Things had been really good for a long time now, and we have been doing better than ever. I have had a nagging feeling since the beginning of summer that something happened that I did not know about. By this point, he had moved back in, and was either working or with me, so this pertained to our separation. I asked him a few times if I was just crazy for feeling this way, and he said "yes"! :D

The nagging feeling got stronger and stronger, and finally I got my answer. I was online, literally sitting right next to him in the living room, when I noticed that he had left his email up on the computer. I poked around (I never do this, and was going to tell him I looked regardless of what I found) and found a few messages he sent some girl that were dated last February. He was basically telling this girl that he LOVED HER, was going back to his family for his children, how great she was, and he hoped she had a happy valentine's day.

I confronted him and at first he wouldnt admit it, even though I said i saw this! Then he was appalled that I found out. Utterly appalled and embarassed. From what he has told me, during our separation, he met a girl at work, and had an emotional relationship with her, mostly online. He completely denies having a sexual relationship with her, and I think I believe that. He isnt the kind of person to do that. Plus everything I read pointed towards no sex.

I asked him why and he said "I was so lonely and upset I was literally not myself, I was in a very bad place and trying to find a way to get through it". Well, so was I! I was insanely miserable, and had two daughters to hide it from, and I did NOT use some other man to get me through. At the time that this happened (the "cheating") we were trying to work things out.

Anyway, I am disappointed in him. He has always been such a wonderful person. I had great respect for him and his professional career, and his personal beliefs. I always felt that he was more morally astute than me. He is a very spiritual person-I am semi-atheist (lost), he has his degree, I have half of one, he had many friends in our community and they all think the world of him. We had candid discussions of cheating in the beginning of our marriage, and always said "no way, I would probably leave if you did that".

I am currently going through so many emotions. Sometimes I am numb, most of the times I am hurt, and sometimes I am angry. He told her he loved her. That is what kills me!!! I asked him if he had planned on leaving me for her, or had told her that, and he denies it. I asked him if he was meeting up with her, had taken our daughter around her, he says no. He claims that at the time he said he loved her, it was impulsive, and ultimately he realized he did not love her.

This really really hurts. I was going crazy trying to figure out why I felt suspicious of him. I was chastizing myself for being a suspicious, nosy, jealous wife for no reason, and all the time my feelings were correct! I wish he had told me. I did not want to find out like that. He let me think I was being an idiot, and all the while I was right.

I dont know how things will end up. He has been so wonderful since we got back together. Now he is embarassed and sorry, but I wonder if I can let this go. I dont want to be some angry housewife who spends her time punishing her husband for some horrible misdeed. I also want to trust him, completely. I cannot be with someone I dont trust. It would never work. I will NOT check up on him or spy on him, because if it comes down to that, I want out. I almost wish it had been a physical relationship instead. It hurts that while I was all alone, he was getting emotional support from another woman.

He claims that us moving was a fresh start, but I didnt even know about all this! I dont know if I can do this. I dont want to hurt like this. Ive never been cheated on EVER and he was the last person I would suspect of this type of behavior. He is such a great guy. No vices, spends his time with me and the kids, works hard--Im not making any rash decisions. I am going to get all my ducks in a row: look for a job, be more financially independent, in case this is a red flag of things to come. It cant hurt to be prepared. I did tell him this: at the time we decided not to divorce, had I known about this, I probably wouldnt have taken him back. But that was then, things are so much better now. Maybe its good I didnt know then. I would be divorced by now.

At this time, I am taking care of my end of things. I dont know how this will all pan out, but I am prepared for anything.
Just going by these posts, your husband appears to be putting forth a genuine effort in working on your marriage.

You've admitted that the past year has been very rough for both of you; I'm sure your spouse felt that to admit that he shared some confidences with another woman during your separation would have only added more fuel to the fire.

Emotional intimacy is hard sometimes, because usually by the time confidences are exchanged, feelings are involved on some level, and that means crossing boundaries even if a person doesn't mean to.

I don't condone developing an emotional, intimate bond as it pertains this to situation, but it happened.

BUT it appears that since you and your spouse made a commitment to re-establish your connection, he has not shared confidences with her, and has been very involved in making things work in his marriage.

Depending on the circumstance, although emotional intimacy can be inappropriate, sometimes there is a good that can come out of it, too. A person may realize his/her spouse's worth more, they have the ability to see a situation through someone else's eyes, they may realize that crossing boundaries in this manner isn't for them, they make the choice to not take things any farther.

My point being is that your husband, even after having the opportunity to develop something deeper with this other friendship, did not. Your husband is home.

Sometimes it takes something eye opening to realize where the meaning is in your life. Maybe this other friendship was his eye opener. You can't will another person to make their choices. It's apparent that your husband has made his choice, maybe despite, inspite, or because of the time he took to share confidences with someone else.

Your husband knows he has crossed a line, because he didn't tell you. But it also appears that your husband is where he wants to be.

Take care.
Ok, at this point (though my premenstraul self changeds moods about all this several times a day) I think he said it cause she wanted to hear it. I did say something along the lines of "geez, honey, did you really love that girl" and he looked like I asked him if he was in love with chewbacca or something. That was probably a better answer than his "no".

Before our problems, I know he loved me alot. I married him because he loved me in a way I had never seen before-I have never had reason to be insecure about him being into someone else. He only had eyes for me, and right now (and since we reconciled) it has been like that again. This guy would tell me Im beautiful every single day. He still does. I guess maybe that is why Im not worried about this in an insanely jealous kind of way. Then we had our baby, I lost my job, I had a miscarriage, his hours got crazy, his family had problems, MY family had problems, then the baby started getting sick...

We were having an insanely bad time for nearly a year, and then it just got to be too much. I blamed him for alot of it and he ended up feeling like he couldnt do anything to make me happy (and he probably couldnt with the way I was at that time). So he left. He figured I was probably on the verge of leaving him anyway. I guess maybe I would have left him eventually--something had to give!

Anyway, I do think this was all some stupid thing that he did, and I can only pray I am right in assuming this is not part of his character, but rather an impulsive act taking place under extreme circumstances. If I am wrong, Im sure I will see more of this in the future, and I will have no choice but to leave. I KNEW he did this. I just knew there was something that I didnt know. I didnt have any good reason to think it, I just knew. Woman's intuition is scary, huh? (all the guys can now cringe-yes we DO know things!). :eek:

At this point, Im open to anything. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt (he has earned this much) and will keep my eyes and ears open, just in case another red flag pops up. I dont want to be too hard and lose a truly great person in my life, but I dont want to be stupid and naive either, so Im choosing sort of a middle ground. He has told me that if I ask about it, he will answer my questions. I dont really know what to ask. I just wantthe whole darned thing, and I guess If he has told it to me, and Im not satisfied with the answer, because I suspect more, then that's a problem. I will say this: completely believe the no sex thing. Totally.

And jeff, please forgive me, but you were off on another planet when it came to deciphering my email statement. I literally had steam shooting out of my ears when I read what you were saying, because I have horrible pms!!!!! grrr, now if I could get the two year old to sleep, I may just not spontaneous combust today.

:mad: :eek:





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:40 PM.





© 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!