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Thanks Gianna,

It does sound like your in the same boat. It makes me feel so yucky I don't want to go to certain public events with him. Lately I feel like I'm not in love with him anymore and disgusted by his flirting. I am also sick of being accused of it whenever I bring it up. This is so very high schoolish! I'm 41 years old!

I hope there is a solution to this because its ruining our relationship.

Best of luck,
Larrk :confused:
Thanks for the feedback ((All))!

your right...It really does come down to what I find acceptable or unacceptable. I find his flirting unacceptable so I guess I am going to have to walk away from this relationship.

I didn't mention this before but a year ago we had a spat and within two weeks he was taking out another woman in AA. He appologised and came back to me but she told me he had been flirting with her even before we had our spat and told her we were over with when we were not. The other woman and I had to sit down and talk to figure out what was going on? He was stringing her along in case it did not work out with me. She went back out drinking over the ordeal. It hurt us both.

Here is the letter I sent back to him. I Paraphrased my replies in bracketts.

Subj: Whatever! If nothing changes then nothing changes!
Date: 11/16/2004 2:46:16 PM Eastern Standard Time
From:

you keep mentioning that i always flirt, and again since when does talking to someone constitute flirting .

[[Flirting is defined as : To behave amorously with another, to show casual interest with the idea to come close to. ]]

Like yourself (yes there are times you do have to look at you) I should be able to talk to anybody i want.Just because i talk to somebody does not mean that i want them. if that were the case with everybody then you wouldwant everyman that you talk to at meetings which is who you mostly talk to any way.The same ho;ds true with who you give rides to except for claire you only give rides to men. Your car has always had men in it.

[[What men in it? Artie, Murray? Peter? and what was the reason? Did they need a ride to or home from a meeting because they don't drive? That is 12th step work. One is 84, one is mentally Ill, and one is not the least bit attractive!!!]]

but thats ok because your special you can ask me to not talk to women but you can talk to all the men you want and dont start with trying to put the blame on you stuff. Because God help you if you do look at yourself and then look at what you ask me to do, Why is it different for you. AGAIN LET ANYBODY COME UP TO ME WITH THEIR ACUSATIONS.ABOUT ME FLIRTING. OFCOURSE THEY WONT BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO F------- CLUE TO WHAT IM SAYING OR WHAT IM NOT SAYING.

[[They may not go up to you but they come up to me. They can all see it. As I can. Annie says your a big flirt and she's my roomate! ]]

SEEMS YOU PERCIEVE THAT I WANT EVERY ONE OTHER THAN YOU. HELL I HAVE A HARD ENOUGH TIME TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF SOMEONE ELSE.AND FOR THE THOUSANDS TIME YOU ARE WHAT I DESIRE.

[[Men cherish what they desire. They treat their women with respect. Flirting right in front of me is not showing me any respect. It kills my desire...]]

AND WHY MY PARTS DONT WORK ALL THE TIME I FRUSTRATES THE HELL OUT OF ME.BUT LATELY YOU HAVEN'T WANTED ME ANYWAY.YOU HAVE SPURNED MY ADVANCES AND TALKED YOUR WAY OUT OF MAKING LOVE TO WITH ME.

[[The great sex life we had was based on how we both felt about eachother, the love we have. I am not good at loving someone that makes me feel inadequate or disrespected. It gets in the way of my love and puts a dark cloud over my desire. ]]

YOU ALWAYS DID SAY YOU HAD TO BREAK UP WITH SOME ONE FIRST.BUT TO GO FROM HAVING GREAT SEX WITH YOU TO NONE . WHATS UP WITH THAT?

[[I'm feeling dirty and shamed and embarrassed by your actions. Your lack of respect for me in front of my peers has killed my libido.]]

NOT THAT SEX IS THE ONLY THING WE HAVE GOING FOR US. IN THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO BOUNCE THINGS OFF OF EACH OTHER AND TRIED TO KEEP WHAT WE DO HAVE .IF YOU WANTED TO BREAK UP YOU DIDNT HAVE TO USE TALKING TO SOMEONE AS AN EXCUSE. THE REAL ISSUSE IS YOU FEEL THAT CINDY IS AFTER WHAT YOU HAVE!!!!!

[[Mike, Cindy is after everyman she can get. If she can break up a relationship to get the man it makes her even feel more powerful. All men in AA know that!]]

I CANT TELL YOU ABOUT THAT ALL AS I KNOW IS THAT IF SOME ONE SAYS HI TO ME I AM GOING TO SAY HI BACK AND ENGAGE IN A SMALL INNOCENT
CONVERSATION. AND FOR YOU TO THINK THAT I WOULD WANT THAT WOMEN IS VERY DISHEARTING.

[[I don't have a problem with you saying hi to women in AA at all. It is the flirting part I don't like. The body language, the being in their space, getting animated. That is noticable. You don't flirt with unattractive women or with other men??? ]]

NO ITS MORE THAN THAT IM REALLY PISSED OFF.THEY DONT MAKE BODY CONDOMS THEN OFCOURSE YOU NEVER GO OFF IN YOUR HEAD ABOUT STUFF...... WE BOTH HAVE JEALOUSY ISSUSES.

[[I don't have jealousy issues unless you make them for me and all my friends to see and then they laugh at me not you. I'm the one that pays. ]]

YOU CAN COME UP AND LISTEN TO ANY CONVERSATION I HAVE WITH ANY WOMEN YOU WILL FIND NOTHIG INAPPROPRIATE AT ALL.

[[I have way too much class to butt in and babysit you while your flirting. ]]

YOU MENTION THAT YOU DONT FEEL SPECIAL WHEN WE ARE AT HOME I MAKE YOU COFFEE AND THINGS TO EAT WHEN EVER POSSIBLE AT MEETINGS

[[When did I ever say that? ]]

I WILL GET YOU YOUR COFFEE NOT CONCERNING MYSELF WITH THE RUMORS THAT YOU HAVE ME ***** WHIPPED. aND WHEN YOU WERE AT THE CHURCH FAIR YOU DIDNT HAVE TO WANT FOR ANYTHING THE ONLYTHING I DIDNT DO FOR YOU WAS GO TO THE BATHROOM AND PUT YOUR TICKETS IN THE BOXES.OR MAYBE YOU DONT NOTICE THOSE THINGS.I KNOW THAT OTHER PEOPLE DO BECAUSE I WAS EVEN COMPLEMENTED ON IT.........

[[Mike I do appreciate the nice things you do for me at home or at the church fair. That is not the issue though. The issue is how you act at meetings when I am with you. How come you don't show the same respect towards me at meetings that you do at home and church???]]

HOW MUCH OF THIS .. HAS TO DO WITH ME OR IS THIS ALL ABOUT YOU.....I HAVE NO PROBLEM ACCEPTING BLAME WHEN THINGS ARE MY FAULT..BUT I WILL BE DAMNED THAT JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DONT LIKE WHO IM TALKING TO AND THEY PERCIEVE THAT BECAUSE IM TALKING TO A CERTAIN PERSON OF LOW CHARACTER I MUST BE UP TO NO GOOD

[[As I tell my son Ryan, "Show me your friends and I 'll tell you what you are".]]

NOT THAT IM HIM ...BUT WHEN JESUS TALKED AND BE FRIENDED MARY MAGDALIN (THE *****) DID THIS MEAN THAT HE WANTED HER FOR SEX.....

[[No! He befriended her to pull her up and forgive her her past digressions. That is not even close to what you do. Jesus was good in every way!]]

AND WHY IS IT WHEN YOU TALK TO MEN ITS OK BUT IF I TALK TO WOMEN ITS NOT ..

[[That is because I talk to men in AA it is as peers. I don't flirt with them in any way. You flirt with the attractive AA women. I don't flirt with attractive AA men or men at all.]]

IT SEMS IT IS YOUR "THOUGHTS" AND "WORDS" THAT GO INTO THE GUTTER NOT MINE. RUMORS HAS IT THAT IT IS YOUR DEEDS TO .. bUT THOSE ARE ONLY RUMORS SO WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE THEM.

[[Mike I have never heard any rumours that I'm a flirt in AA BUT only a woman of dignity. I help a lot of people and try to be kind to all. If you want to believe that I'm a cheat go right ahead. I think you don't believe them because you know they are (not true). Ask any man in AA about me and see what they say.

My problem with you is the "lack of respect" you show me in (AA meetings), not at home and not at church. It has me feeling dirty and ashamed and I don't feel sexy or like having sex with a man that can't put my feelings first.

So we are back to square one again. You think your doing nothing wrong and I guess I'm not worth it, for you to try and curb the flirting to make me happy. Sounds like you have made up your mind.

I was hoping you could step up but I guess not : ( ]]



Re: Demanding repect
There are some men, who for whatEVER reason, are charmers.
They flirt, they tease, they flatter.
Some women can deal with their guy being like this, and some can't.
It sounds like Larrk is self-aware enough to know that she doesn't want this in a relationship.
More power to her.
:angel:





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