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Relationship Health Message Board


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i dont do much with my life...at all and i feel so unattractive witht his fact,my boyfriend has loads of friends,when hes online he has zillions of people contacting him,and im there feeling so alone like i dont hav a friend in the world and im totally shy and the only person i hav talkin to me is the person i started the conversation with.,and altho i try n make an effort with his mates,i get this awkward silence cos theyv not bothered to start a conversation with me either why shud i always start? and i feel so unhappy,he has all these people that like him and i have noone that lieks me,i feel boring,unlikeable and very unpopular when hes not with me hes out with his mates apart from work and he has a laugh everytime,and when he asks what iv been up to i cant say much so i seem very undesierable and its making me very very down.could i be very unattractive cos i am very inward and find it hard to make friends and speak?! he has so many friends and comfort with them i doubt if i wasnt ther he wud easily forget about it please help!
[QUOTE=cuddlyy]i dont do much with my life...at all and i feel so unattractive witht his fact,my boyfriend has loads of friends,when hes online he has zillions of people contacting him,and im there feeling so alone like i dont hav a friend in the world and im totally shy and the only person i hav talkin to me is the person i started the conversation with.,and altho i try n make an effort with his mates,i get this awkward silence cos theyv not bothered to start a conversation with me either why shud i always start? and i feel so unhappy,he has all these people that like him and i have noone that lieks me,i feel boring,unlikeable and very unpopular when hes not with me hes out with his mates apart from work and he has a laugh everytime,and when he asks what iv been up to i cant say much so i seem very undesierable and its making me very very down.could i be very unattractive cos i am very inward and find it hard to make friends and speak?! he has so many friends and comfort with them i doubt if i wasnt ther he wud easily forget about it please help![/QUOTE]

Cuddly, I had a similar experience. I dated a guy who had many friends, none of whom seemed to like me very much, or who seemed to want to talk to me or whatever. Unfortunately, I feel this is one of the things that led to our break-up. BUT...that does NOT mean the same has to happen to you!! I think part of the reason why his friends didn't really respond to me is because they probably knew all the things he said about me when I was not around, they knew he wasn't that into me, so why should they invest their time in me if they knew I wasn't going to be around long? But if you're naturally very shy and introverted, it could be your fellow's friends just dont' know what to say to you. My suggestion is that you embrace the fact that you can't live your whole life through your boyfriend. He should enhance and enrich your life, but he should not be your whole life. The best way to start building a life of your own is to work on your self esteem. You may even want to consider professional help with this, perhaps a therapist well-versed in cognative behavioral therapy. This will help change your thinking patterns, and help you get out of the negative, "I'm such a loser, no wonder no one wants to talk to me" mindset and help you think more positive thoughts, which will help you be better able to create more positive results. At the time, I didn't see that my attitude was contributing to the situation. I wanted so much for my ex's friends to accept me and like me, that I forgot to make an effort to reach out them and befriend them. Looking back, I can see how closed off I was to them. No, most of them weren't the type of people I would have chosen to hang around with, but I now see how I could have been warmer, friendlier, less judgmental, and more open and giving. Strange as it sounds, there's a song that really helped to open my eyes, too late, but it opened my eyes nonetheless. It's called Happy Girl by Martina McBride, and some of the lyrics are:
I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside
Feeling so left out

Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile
And my lighted fuse

Now every time I start to feel like that
I roll my heart out like a welcome mat

Learn how to roll your heart out just like a welcome mat. I think this starts with feeling comfortable in your own skin. If you're not comfortable with you, no one else will be. Next time you're out with your fellow and his buddies, give yourself an assignment. Have at least a 5 minute conversation with at least 3 different people associated with your boyfriend. Make a list beforehand of conversation starters and memorize it before you go. Things like the latest movies, the weather, work, or things more specific to your crowd of people, like the club you all went to last week, or something else you may have in common simply by virtue of going to the same places and knowing the same people. Strive to get to a point where you're able to forget about yourself and concentrate on what the other person in saying, on making them comfortable and really plugging into what they're talking about and connecting with them on their level.

I'd also suggest getting more involved with your own life. You say you feel bad that you basically have nothing to contribute to the relationship as far as what you have to offer as a person. Well change that! After all, you're the only one who can. Take a class (dancing, cooking, self-defense, foreign language, or whatever you've always been curious about or wanted to know more about) go the the library and check out some books that look interesting. Check with the information desk to see if there are any interesting discussion groups that meet there. If you like crafts, go to your local hobby store (Hobbie Lobbie and Michael's are great) and see if they have knitting, crotcheting or other craft classes where you can meet intersting people who share your interests. Do you have a dog? Enroll him/her in an obedience class at your local Petco or PetSmart. Explore yourself, find out what you love, what you have a passion for, what makes you tick, and then feed it. This is a great way to make yourself more interesting because really, the most interesting people are just people who are living their lives to the fullest and who are doing their best to reach their full potential. When your guy is having a boy's night out, instead of sitting at home moping, use that time to make a date with yourself and unleash all the fabulosity that makes you special and unique! Good luck to you.





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