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[QUOTE=StormGirl]Having a real bad day today. I just can't seem to function properly and I don't really want to be ANYWHERE. I think that you are right Elated that the depression has hit me a little (like a ton of bricks actually :D ). Sorry to let you down Elated, but at the moment I barely have the strength to type... I have been reading some other posts and would like to help, but I think... what help would I be when I can't get myself together? And would I be giving advice that I myself AM NOT taking? I hate myself when I'm like this, I hate being miserable and I want to kick my own ***!!! I try so hard to be strong all the time though that I guess I am allowed to let my guard down sometimes right? I am so bad today that I called his house, not to talk or ask questions etc, but just to hear his voice, cause for the last 6 years I have always turned to him. He spoke to me a little and I apologised for calling him, but just said that I needed to hear a friendly voice, but I didn't talk to him for long and said that I had to go. I shouldn't have called, I know... but I just feel so ummmmmm... blank today, and really sad.

Any news rd?

Elated, remind me again that it will get better please? :) Oh and by the way, I agree with eightball... you are doing great and a wonderful support for many others. :angel:[/QUOTE]



Stormgirl---Holding your hand :angel:

The set backs are hard. You think you have it together and that you are doing okay and then BAM! Then you start hating on yourself for letting yourself get this way. DO NOT HATE YOURSELF! You are like me and way too hard on yourself. You are grieving and it is a natural process and no amount of will power and strength can prevent you from going through the greiving process. He was an important part of your life for 6 years. You called him when you had a good day, a bad day, a funny day and now you feel completely lost. I hate the set backs as well. I'll not cry for a couple days and think I'm doing okay and then I got "weak" and tried to contact him and just was devastated all over again. You know you shouldn't contact him, but its like you just can't help it. You think somehow that if you call, he won't forget about you, or that he'll change his mind or maybe just hearing his voice will make you feel better. Then it doesn't and you hurt even more. I understand not wanting to be ANYWHERE. You go here and go there and even call him and nothing makes the pain stop and you feel impatient no matter who and what is around. Its like feeling home sick and going home and still not feeling any better.

If it makes you feel better I had a rough day yesterday too. Sunday night was really bad and then I was okay until last night. I feel empty and cried alot. I don't look at these times as failures I look at these times as one step closer to the day I'm over him. Beating yourself up about the setbacks will only make your healing process longer. I also lost the strength to type and took some time away from the boards.

I promise it gets better. Not magically over night, but it does get better. The setbacks are part of the process. Honestly I have a long way to go, BUT I am better than the first few weeks of the ordeal. I can eat now and sleep some. I think of him often, but not as intensely. I'm not crying at work anymore. So there is progress, slow, but thats only because I'm impatient. Prayer worked for me. It gave me alot of comfort when nothing else could. I'm not drinking as much, in fact I haven't drank more than a one beer in 4 days. So there you go, hope that it does get better. I feel different too. Stronger in a sense, like I'm still very weak about all this, BUT I feel change and strength within me. Like that eventually when I emerge I will be a new person and thats kind of exciting. Trust me, if I can get through this, so can you. I am a very emotional and sensitive person and that has alot to do with why this tore me up SO much. When I love, I love that person to the core. Some guy will be lucky to have me oneday because I don't just walk away from a relationship, regardless. You have a strong heart too and if you end up with this guy or not; the one who gets your heart is a lucky one. Everyone told me to try and be my own best friend. Thats the best advice. Last night I finally convinced myself to start cleaning my apt. after 5 weeks. I'm so good at helping others, yet when it comes to myself I don't take enough care of me. So I have this inner voice that tells me what to do, like what I would tell even you to do in this situation. I have the logic inside me its just hard to apply it to myself, especially when my emotions are all over the place. So accept that you will have setbacks, but that doesn't mean that you are weak, it means you are human. Accept that you will have really bad days, but you will have days that aren't so bad too. This is not easy and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Listen to Goody and eightball; they had some great advice for me and were really here for me when it all went down. Everyone here on healthboards rocks. This is all about you and what you need. If you can't post for awhile, then don't. If you lost energy to help others, fine. Be selfish right now because you need to be. I've told everyone in my life that this time is about me and what I want and if drama starts or anything, I'm out. You've got to take care of yourself. Together we'll get through this and laugh at this oneday. Someone once said on here to me that the spirit is amazing in the way it heals. I agree. It seems like such a blackness now. It feels like you'll feel this way forvever. The pain only seems to intensify, but in time we'll be better. I know this because I can have a good hour and even an okay day. Now I may feel really upset again, but just as a good hour passes, so does a bad one. I'm in a cycle, and its a slow process BUT it'll get better. I've gotten better even though it still hurts..I am at a better place with it all. There is no magic pill that takes away the pain. And you know what running from it does; only catches back up. Time and patience and no hating yourself. You're doing so good.
Yes rd, very childish isn't it? There are just no excuses for this behaviour. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a life size chess game. Plotting moves and motives. I just don't care and have no time for kids games.

Well Elated, he sent me another message yesterday to ask if I had bought a car yet. I answered, and he ignored me. I was fuming. I noticed the only time he messages me is when he is on a break at work and probably has no one better to communicate with. So I lined him up and called him yesterday. I asked why he keeps sending messages when he clearly has no intention of speaking to me and keeps ignoring me anyway. He said fine, I won't message you any more like a little cry baby, and hung up. Well this just revved me up even more, so I called back and said don't be childish, but if you want to speak to me, either call me or come to see me... but don't keep sending me silly messages every now and then to see if I will respond because it's hurting me more and now it's just starting to annoy me. I tried to speak about what happened, but now he denies that he ever said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. That he was just trying to get his life together, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He tried the I only love you if you haven't been with another guy routine, and I told him to not turn things around onto me - and that his answer was not good enough. I didn't want this to happen. He did it, and there is nothing anyone can say to possibly make this my fault. I asked him what the hell it is that he wants, and he wouldn't answer. I am just so sick of all of this. I am tired of trying to second guess what someone is thinking. All he is doing is thinking of himself and trying to punish me (what for I have NO IDEA). This is not the life that I want to live. This site has made me a different person, and I am now in a different place in my life. I know what it is that I want, how I deserve to be treated, and what love is really about. I know that I love him, but he doesn't seem to be showing the same thing. And Eightball convinced me that I had put in way too much effort already, and now I know that's the truth. The more he acts like this, the more I don't want to waste my energy anymore, especially when I have got to this point in the healing process. I hit rock bottom and have dragged myself out to a certain degree. And it was hard, damn hard. Does he realise this, and how he made me feel? Does he even care?

Elated, you seem to think that it's a bad thing if you get involved with other guys. If they are not good relationship material, then yes, tread warily. But if you see even a bit of potential, why not go for it. There are no rules in the amount of time that you need. As long as both parties know what's going on, and you take it slowly. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you are just craving that feeling of comfort, then I would advise against it. Learn to be happy in your own skin without anyone else. Otherwise you are just temporarily filling a void, and you are worth much more. I have read some of your other posts, and I just want to say to you, please do not change from the wonderful person that you are because of this experience. Don't let him take away from you all the love and special qualities that you have to give. That way, he wins. Don't give up on true love and all of your beliefs just because of one person who, let's face it, is nothing more than a coward. Think of it more as a learning experience for next time. I know, you've probably given the true love thing a few shots (like me)... but don't let him take away your hope that it is really out there waiting for you. You just have to be patient... :angel:

Well that was my vent for today. Elated, thank you for your kind words. Don't ever forget though that without people like you, I wouldn't be where I am today. And I am a much better person. I used to think that I was a freak because of how I thought love should be, but now I know that I am not. People like you have been invaluable to me in encouraging me to stay strong, or just simply understanding when I was being silly. There's still a ways to go for the both of us, but aren't you proud at how far you've come and all that you've learnt in the process? There is nothing better than being able to talk to someone who just "gets" you. I'm glad that we have been able to help each other in this tough time. It makes me think that at least something good has come out of all this. Keep your chin up Elated, you're doing alot better than you think... ;)
Hello! I had a nice time at the party, laughing and whatnot, but there was an underlying sadness the whole time. I felt like a third wheel cause there were all couples there (most with kids) and then, well just me. And then well meaning people kept asking all night "where's your partner?". Thankfully my brother in law and sister would chime in for me and just say that it's a touchy subject and we shouldn't talk about it - he's just not here. When I woke up this morning, when all the drinking and laughing was done, it was like... okay, back to reality. My sister didn't talk much about it to me, but my brother in law did when I went to the shops with him. He is about 34 now, and told me that he had gone through that phase as well. He said that it is the classic behaviour for someone who is seeing someone else. I said I didn't think so, and he asked if it was only wishful thinking. It makes me wonder though. Now all day I have been analysing all of the signs etc to see if any of it makes sense. I think that I would be more devastated if that was the case. I know that I have been wrong before, but I just don't have that gut instinct that it is the truth. I don't know. I know that it shouldn't matter anyway, but I guess I still live in hope a little. And to top it all off, I get home and there is a card from my friend who got married last year telling me how happy she was and that she is expecting a baby. Oh, I am so happy for her, but it makes me feel sorry for myself even more!!! :D

I am so proud of you on your achievement of 3 weeks with no contact Elated. It hasn't even been a week for me yet :rolleyes: . And to hear that you have come out a little of your bad run of days is great news. I'm glad that you relate to my feelings of "how did I get here". It really is bizaare. I too thought that I had it all figured out, but I guess it makes you realise that nothing is really a certainty. My family are reacting the same. But my mum goes through phases of asking me questions, and then nothing for a while. I know that she means well. I don't think she knows how to handle it though. I think my dad was her first serious boyfriend and they married after about 6 months, so she probably doesn't relate to how it feels. The one thing that no one has asked me though is whether it is over or not. It's like they just expect that it's a phase and eventually we will get together. Or maybe no one wants to upset me. I have been a bit crabby with everyone at home so I wouldn't blame them.

So all I can say is that I am still in my bad run of days. Hopefully I'll pull out of it soon like you Elated. I haven't tried to contact him for a while, and I know that it will be better for me, but I always find the first couple of weeks the hardest. At least you made it through that tough period. I find myself trying to pull out of thoughts of him too if I start for too long. Even if I try and read a book I get distracted of thinking of him and realise I've read a couple of pages and don't know what the hell went on!! So I've been watching movies to try and take my mind off it. The worst thing though is when something reminds me of him, and it is seriously like someone has kicked me with huge force in the stomach. And my heart sinks. I know that you know what I mean Elated...

Thanks for listening as always! Elated, hope your good days start to get longer and longer!!! It really is like watching a little butterfly emerge!!! I can't wait for the day when you come here and tell me that you have met the guy of your dreams... even if I'm still wallowing I will be ecstatic for you!!! ;)

PS. I bought some of those books that you were talking about before to try and pull myself out of it ("He's just not that into you" and various other inspirational books... hope they help!!)
Hey guys... To destiny79, well you may not think you are getting over this guy, but I can tell that you are making some progress at least. It will take a while before you stop wanting to contact him/see him, but you are at the point where you know you won't, no matter how much you want to. Why? Because you know it will be bad for you. So, now you're starting to look after number one, and that, my friend, is PROGRESS!!! Yaay!!! Maybe not a great step, but a step nevertheless. And I may have more memories and history with my man than you, but it doesn't hurt any less does it? When a heart breaks, it breaks. Hang in there girl and keep posting.

To Elated, talk about heartbreak. You break my heart. I know that you are trying to be very brave, and your posts do not reflect how you are REALLY feeling inside. How? Cause I do it everyday. I say inspirational things and things that I know are true, but actually following them... HA!! I'm hopeless. But that's okay, cause we are allowed to feel like this. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. I look at how much my views have changed in the past few weeks, and that is progress for me. Sure, I have some more negative thoughts now, but I try to keep them to a minimum. It's frustrating though cause it's just not happening fast enough for me. I hate the way I feel. I want to be happy again, but I just haven't figured out how to yet. Seriously, it takes a very patient person to talk to me for about 30 minutes before they will get through to me and I will start talking to them. Before that, I just nod or "yes" or "no". And that's not me. I've decided I don't feel bad about sending him the card. Even if he doesn't read it, I feel like I have done the right thing by sending it. I'm not one to hold grudges, cause I think that if you hang on to hate, it really does hinder your progress in healing. The destructive behaviour. Well, the reason I haven't fallen into it is because I don't really have the motivation to go out. All my friends are married with kids etc, so I don't have anyone to drag me out. And actually, I prefer it that way. Maybe people don't think it's right, but it's right for me, and I have never been big on going out etc, so it doesn't bother me. I just don't feel like sharing anything with anyone at the moment, so the temptation is not even there anymore - NOT INTERESTED. Although it's not a good idea to get involved with a guy if you are going to get hurt, it does however, show that you are capable of having feelings for someone else. That's huge. It probably doesn't seem like it, but that is a big step. Try not to get too attached to this guy though, but even if you do get hurt again, remember that you've been at rock bottom and hopefully it will never get that bad again. You obviously feel like you need his company at this time, so go with it. As long as you keep the realistic thoughts there and don't get in too deep. Yes, I also worry that it will all come crashing down on me. And I worry, how will I ever meet someone in the future if I don't go out (but I don't care cause I'm not interested anyway)? There is no use worrying. Just take it day by day as you have been. And it will get easier. You keep saying that you haven't dealt with the ex head on, but in your own way you have. What's right for me, may not be right for you. You know the truth, you know the way things are, you have stopped contacting him because you know you will get hurt. That's dealing with it head on. The pain, of course, is going to linger. You fully know that too. So you sometimes want to avoid it and hide away from it for a while. Who wouldn't? The pain is unbearable. I should be getting back out there but I just don't want to. If I can't be with my man, then I just don't want to be with anyone. But it's different for me cause I'm still living at home and have people around me. You are living on your own, so perhaps you crave human contact a bit more than me (Yikes, I'm trying to hide from all the well meaners). I wish there was something I could say, or perhaps give you the answer that you are looking for. I think the best thing we can do at the moment is edge ourselves along, and take it all bit by bit. It may come crashing down on us one day, but we've been at rock bottom haven't we? And we've crawled our way out a little, and we can do it again. Everything you say to me makes perfect sense Elated. There is nothing you can tell me that would surprise me. We've been dumped in it together, and we'll make our way out together.

Now, what are you doing for Christmas? Are you spending it with family/friends? I hope so. I don't want you to be on your own. Oh, don't I go into big sister mode when you are feeling down!!!

Sorry if I have jumped from topic to topic and not made much sense here. I've been trying to type as fast as my head was working, but I don't think I've succeeded very well. And I've got a shocking headache. And I find that I never make much sense anymore anyway. :rolleyes:

So girls, I'm thinking of you both, and it's great to have friends like you who know the deal. I wish it was a much more pleasant deal, but at least we're in it together huh?
Yes you're right rd, I have always wanted him back. We've been together for a long time, and it's not easy to just walk away, especially if you don't know what happened. I have to admit, most of the actual calling was done by me. He just sends messages, which I hate. I try to do the right thing, but he is soooo frustrating. But there is not a chance that I am just going to get on with things like nothing happened... if he wants to be with me, then I at least deserve an apology for all he's put me through, and for him to take responsibility for his actions and admit he was wrong. Rd, as much as I don't want to say it, I don't have much hope left anymore. I've put everything on the line time and time again, and he's thrown it back in my face every time. How can we begin to patch anything up when he just won't say ANYTHING at all? And when I asked why he can't even answer me, he just says "I don't know". Don't get me wrong, I can read the signs. I'm not stupid. But it's just so hard to accept and let go. Especially when some of the things he says gives me hope. I do love him alot, always have, but he's killing that love slowly but surely. I am just tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of being sad, confused, frustrated. I'm sick of it all. All the advice you've given me is very good rd, and I have tried time and time again, but he doesn't seem to care... He knows that our 6 yr relationship is on the line, and is in no hurry to save it. But I am going to try your advice again and stop contact (counter at day 1 AGAIN... this is ridiculous). That way, if nothing happens, well at least I know. If it does, then it does. I'll give it my best shot anyway. Actually, the day after New Years, if I haven't heard from him, I am going to ask him to take his phone out of my name and I will send back anything of his I have. Do you think? You know, I don't think anyone realises how much I just want to scream right now.

Anyway rd, back to you. Hmmmm, she is conveniently going to be in Florida huh? Interesting! Anyone WOULD think that she's trying to keep an eye on you, or at least be close to you. How do you feel about this? And how are you handling it all? I know it's frustrating, but hang in there. Maybe you'll feel better after the talk. Make sure you ask her where she sees all this going... you can't just be "friends" forever.. you've said yourself she couldn't handle it, and there's no point you putting your life on hold to make her happy if she isn't looking for a relationship with you. UGH, why can't people just say what they want? What is the reason behind her crying etc? Is it an outside problem, or do you think it is related to the 2 of you? I think her and my bf would be a good match. They'd drive each other insane, instead of lumping it on us more normal individuals!!! hehehe!!! Can you imagine the communication... no one would ever say anything... they would just sit around being grumpy/moody/sad/unhappy all the time.

My stomach problems are kicking in again what with all this stress. And I'm not looking forward to going back to work next week. I wish it would all just go away. I haven't had a really bad day for a while now, but I can feel the tide turning...





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