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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Okay Elated, holiday buddies we are!!! Yes, everything that you are experiencing is EXACTLY the same for me. As I have said before, I just feel very alien in a world that seems to have forgotten about me and just keeps going, but it's all different. I KNOW, the world doesn't stop because little old Stormgirl is having a hard time, but it is just the most surreal experience, and something that I did not go through last time, and I can't really explain. Maybe it is because I am older now, I don't know. But yes, no one but my closest friends suspect anything because I am a master of covering it all up, and then I get home, take my mask off and retreat into my comfort zone where I unfortunately have little tolerance for anything or anyone. It's like I don't want anyone to talk to me, look at me, be nice to me, try to do things for me... because it's not him. Hmmmmmm, okay, time to fess up... yes I contacted him on Friday afternoon. I didn't say anything because I am so disappointed in myself. I actually sent him a message to say that I would give it one last shot and see if he wanted to meet up. He rang me and we spoke a little, and he said he was busy but I could come around Saturday night "if I wanted to". Obviously I didn't go. I was afraid. If I did go there and he acted indifferent, it would hurt too much and I couldn't bear that. You know, sometimes I think it actually helps that I contact him cause it reminds me that he is being very disrespectful and can not care about me very much. But still, I haven't learnt. And thank you for understanding that and not thinking that I am a weakling for doing this... I torture myself enough about it, let me assure you. It's hard cause his birthday is coming up next week to, and I don't want to just ignore it. I'm not that kind of person.

Yes time is a great healer. I wish I could fast forward the next few months and have us at a place that is happy. You know, you ask what my heart is telling me, but the reason for my descent to this level is, I believe, due partly to the fact that too many doubts have snuck into my head. At first, while I was hurting, I knew that he would come back eventually. I know that he loves me very much, although it doesn't show. I know that he is hurting probably as much as I am, which I don't understand. I know these things from being with him for 6 years. Yet, somehow, doubts have crept in and I am not sure what I feel to be true, and what is "wishful thinking" anymore. I am starting to doubt myself. Something tells me he will be back, but because of the doubts, I will not let myself believe it because I am afraid that I will be hurt even worse. But the longer he leaves it, the more I change about how I feel... and I am concerned that I will go all the way through this, come out on the other side, and then be a different person when/if he wants to reunite. And the longer he leaves it, the more I feel that I don't really want to be with a person that doesn't know if they want to be with me... or has to think about it for such a long time. So to answer your question Elated, I just don't know. If I had a strong feeling either way, I would be much better, but I am so confused that I am starting to doubt everything. I think that is one of the things that kicks us so hard in the gut, we are rolling along nicely thinking that we know what is going on and the way things are, and then someone comes and rips the carpet from underneath our feet. We don't just question our relationship, we also question ourselves, other people, and just generally the way things are. And that can be really disturbing, hence the feeling of alienation or being "stuck". The one thing that I do know for sure, and I may have to eat my words later mind you, but it's one thing that people keep asking me that I definately know the answer to. That is, there is no other girl. He is not going out seeing other girls, and at the moment doesn't seem to have any intention of meeting other girls. And I don't know how I know this, because I don't really have substantial proof, but it's something that I just know.

So now back to you... I saw your post under "depression". Yes, you probably are suffering from it at the moment. But we will beat this!!! Especially with the help of all our friends here, who have no obligation to care, but do (isn't life bizarre???). Do you know what has put you on this temporary set back? Did something trigger it? Cause you seemed to be doing so well, and I hope that by reading my depressing posts has not contributed in anyway. Maybe if we can figure out if there was a trigger of some kind, then we could perhaps avoid it in the future? I don't know, just thought it might help.

And to you, our dear eightball, for someone who has not experienced what we are going through, you are doing a wonderful job of support, even by just giving us a wake up call, or reality check when needed. When going through times like this, it is easy to have a warped view of reality, and want to live in your own little bubble. And you know, I hope that you NEVER have to know what it is truly like, cause you don't deserve it. I can't wait for that moment in time when we can all catch up here and not feel pain anymore, but see only happiness and positive thoughts. And then, my friend Elated, we will be the living examples of survivors who will help the many people who will be feeling as we do now, and be able to show that we came out bigger and better on the other side. :angel:

My thoughts are with you!!

PS. rd, where are you? What's the latest? I hope that it's only good news!!!





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