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hey storm girl now youve done it now im going off on a tangent ;) let me be perfectly honest with you i wasnt the boyfriend i should have been in the past,, i didnt cheat or anything like that,,, i was 21 she was 19,, first serious,, first love,,, alof of people had told me stay away from her she is weird .etc.etc.... she is a very attractive girl and we ended up getting togethor,,, she did alot of things and acted alot of way's that she had no explanations for,, i got the {{accept me for me or dont talk to me,, and the first 2 years she did anything she could for me her world revolved around me ,,I went out with my friends alot etc.etc. didnt always bring her out,, had alot of friends that were girls,,,i was in love with this girl but to immateur to accept what ever was wrong with her which cause all the different thigns she did and the moodswings,,, so apon come a guy who is a major scumbag,, and a bartender ,, tells her everything she wants to hear and being the insecure neive person she falls for it ,, we get back to gethor and it hapens again with some other idiot,,, so then basically i confess my love explain she is the only person i se in my future etc etc. we get back togethor that brings us up to about 8 months ago,,,,, now she also went thru 6 colleges in the past made many horrible decisions etc.etc. so it was always hard for me to get close with her,,, because i was always thinking what kind of wife or mother could i possibly have here,,,,, so months ago i started doing alot of research and im coming to realize it is a disease running her life ,,,, i dont think she knows that ,,, i think she always just said this is me? when she gets stressed her body cannot handle it and she becomes a totally different person,, a immateur,, a selfish ,,, mind going a million miles an hour extremly hiper active ,, not knowing what is coming out of her mouth ,, it goes on and on,,,,i cannot stand how gullible she is when it comes to talking to other guys and what they are telling her,,,she was the most negative person around me,, and i talked to her yesterday and she was like you were always so negative around me im glad i dont have to deal with that anymore,,, Its like i cant win i did alot of things to try to help this girl,, but it came across the wrong way i more or less tried to teach her lessons but ti backfired,,,, so i am on a mission to talk to her im wrting a list of thigns i want her to explain to me ,, show her research i have ,, show her the posts in the bi-polar board,, im just afriad im going to have a hard time getting thru ,,, at the moment she is acting ,, manic which is a bipolar term and she thinks she is on top of the world ,,,becomes irresponsable etc.etc. this has happened everythime we had big break ups,,,It was just very hard for me to belive a person didnt always mean what they were doing or saying sometimes,, but we are made up of chemicals and if something in our body do not react right then the chemical is out of balance and thats where medication come's in to even things out,,,,,,,,,talking to her is going to be the hard part :dizzy: im going to do it very soon i think ?? I have alot of time invested and the times when she is "herself" she is the greatest person,,, but lately that seems to be far and few.......phewwwww im exausted :yawn:

NOW stormgirl..... i know the feeling you get everytime you talk to him,, i know how bad you want to talk to him in person and try to help him,,, but he is going to need to want the help,, otherwise its going to seem all that annoying to him even though he knows your giving your heart to him ,, he should be damn lucky to have a girl like you,, there arent many left in this wonderfull world it has become,,, i dont think he wants to lose you BUT its not fair for him to be inbetween either ,,
i do not know the whole situation ,,, BUT it seems he wants his space and the depression may be a big factor in this also? i dont know what you have said to him so far,, but maybe telling him you want to work on this togethor with him,, and if thats not what he wants,,, then tell him your going to accept that ,, then LEAVE HIM ALONE as hard as it may be dont call dont the lessa you talk to him after you have said what you wanted to get of your chest.. etc.etc. the ball is in his court and that that point let go as best a possible,,, doesnt mean he wont come back doesnt mean your going to lose him,, but you need to heal and talking to him isnt going to do that,, out of sight out of mind as best as possible,, the hurt will go away in time,,, HONESTLY thats my advice but when your in a situation its nice to hear what outsiders say but they dont know the whole situation ,,,its very easly to just tell someone something,, but they arent in our shoes,,,,,, someone once told me you have to do whats best for you !!
Stormgirl-
Wow thanks so much for your kind words...you brought tears to my eyes. You have helped me more than you know. In fact this whole board has. Yeah, these guys aren't relationship material..and thats whay I find them attractive because I don't want a relationship now or anytime soon. I'm just tired and have nothing left to give. So I guess yeah I am trying to fill a void...but I'm treading with caution so hopefully nothing bad happens and I definately have space and time for me. Hes a distraction and we both have just got out of relationships and have agreed to be friends only..but theres this attraction...oh I don't know..anyway...

Your ex is being so immature and a coward. Oh he reminds me of my ex SO much. After he said he wanted a "break" he turned around and would call me too. I finally told him that if he wants a break then for him to take his damn break and not contact me. That went on for a week until I got weak and contacted him to see what the "status" was...he never gave me a direct answer. In fact to this day he never broke up with me. To this day we haven't seen each other since he decided to "take a break". Nothing was ever official..its like he just assumed I'd get the hint. If I hadn't invested over 2 years in a relationship, a long distance one, and wasn't 25 I guess I would have "got the hint", BUT I thought at this age maturity would kick in and proper closure would have happened. Thats the thing with your guy. How long are you going to let him play these games? When are you going to say "enough". And ignore any attempt he makes to contact you? It gets to a point, at least it did for me...that after the constant disrespect, the ignoring and avoiding from him I decided that I didn't even care about this stupid break I didn't want to be with someone who would ever treat me this way. I couldn't beleive how much he would hurt me, even when I told him that peeling the bandaid off one hair at a time isn't cool and it hurts me to the core..to this day I still don't have the answers. BUT I don't need them anymore because I decided that regardless of what happened and "why?" the bottom line is that I won't tolerate this kind of disrespect from anyone I choose to have in my life. Thats the last thing I wrote in my closure email I sent him and after 2 weeks and it still stands strong. You get to a point stormgirl, that you'll know what I'm saying. Its not easy and it hurts, but its much easier to move forward when they aren't playing these games or giving you a feeling of false hope. You know now that he has the upper hand and will continue to until you make a decision. Hes alot like my ex...hes forcing you to make the decision because hes too big of a coward to make a decision about this relationship himself. My ex hated making decisions and ultimately forced me to make one for him...I suppose thats why it ended so bad. Urghh..he makes me so angry. I now know that he wouldn't have made a good husband if he handled situations like this...could you imgaine what your man would put you through stormgirl? Urghhh..the nerve of him. Hang in there stormgirl. You are such a bright, understanding and compassionate person and don't let him take that from you. These men won't change us. I'm still the same girl, but stronger. I'll love again, but I'm not ready for it right now. I don't think I'm compromising my beliefs...I'm just having fun and dealing with all this the best I can. I definately am keeping my distance from my "good friend" in order to keep from any emotional attachment. Right now emotionally I've got to do this on my own.
Hey guys... To destiny79, well you may not think you are getting over this guy, but I can tell that you are making some progress at least. It will take a while before you stop wanting to contact him/see him, but you are at the point where you know you won't, no matter how much you want to. Why? Because you know it will be bad for you. So, now you're starting to look after number one, and that, my friend, is PROGRESS!!! Yaay!!! Maybe not a great step, but a step nevertheless. And I may have more memories and history with my man than you, but it doesn't hurt any less does it? When a heart breaks, it breaks. Hang in there girl and keep posting.

To Elated, talk about heartbreak. You break my heart. I know that you are trying to be very brave, and your posts do not reflect how you are REALLY feeling inside. How? Cause I do it everyday. I say inspirational things and things that I know are true, but actually following them... HA!! I'm hopeless. But that's okay, cause we are allowed to feel like this. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. I look at how much my views have changed in the past few weeks, and that is progress for me. Sure, I have some more negative thoughts now, but I try to keep them to a minimum. It's frustrating though cause it's just not happening fast enough for me. I hate the way I feel. I want to be happy again, but I just haven't figured out how to yet. Seriously, it takes a very patient person to talk to me for about 30 minutes before they will get through to me and I will start talking to them. Before that, I just nod or "yes" or "no". And that's not me. I've decided I don't feel bad about sending him the card. Even if he doesn't read it, I feel like I have done the right thing by sending it. I'm not one to hold grudges, cause I think that if you hang on to hate, it really does hinder your progress in healing. The destructive behaviour. Well, the reason I haven't fallen into it is because I don't really have the motivation to go out. All my friends are married with kids etc, so I don't have anyone to drag me out. And actually, I prefer it that way. Maybe people don't think it's right, but it's right for me, and I have never been big on going out etc, so it doesn't bother me. I just don't feel like sharing anything with anyone at the moment, so the temptation is not even there anymore - NOT INTERESTED. Although it's not a good idea to get involved with a guy if you are going to get hurt, it does however, show that you are capable of having feelings for someone else. That's huge. It probably doesn't seem like it, but that is a big step. Try not to get too attached to this guy though, but even if you do get hurt again, remember that you've been at rock bottom and hopefully it will never get that bad again. You obviously feel like you need his company at this time, so go with it. As long as you keep the realistic thoughts there and don't get in too deep. Yes, I also worry that it will all come crashing down on me. And I worry, how will I ever meet someone in the future if I don't go out (but I don't care cause I'm not interested anyway)? There is no use worrying. Just take it day by day as you have been. And it will get easier. You keep saying that you haven't dealt with the ex head on, but in your own way you have. What's right for me, may not be right for you. You know the truth, you know the way things are, you have stopped contacting him because you know you will get hurt. That's dealing with it head on. The pain, of course, is going to linger. You fully know that too. So you sometimes want to avoid it and hide away from it for a while. Who wouldn't? The pain is unbearable. I should be getting back out there but I just don't want to. If I can't be with my man, then I just don't want to be with anyone. But it's different for me cause I'm still living at home and have people around me. You are living on your own, so perhaps you crave human contact a bit more than me (Yikes, I'm trying to hide from all the well meaners). I wish there was something I could say, or perhaps give you the answer that you are looking for. I think the best thing we can do at the moment is edge ourselves along, and take it all bit by bit. It may come crashing down on us one day, but we've been at rock bottom haven't we? And we've crawled our way out a little, and we can do it again. Everything you say to me makes perfect sense Elated. There is nothing you can tell me that would surprise me. We've been dumped in it together, and we'll make our way out together.

Now, what are you doing for Christmas? Are you spending it with family/friends? I hope so. I don't want you to be on your own. Oh, don't I go into big sister mode when you are feeling down!!!

Sorry if I have jumped from topic to topic and not made much sense here. I've been trying to type as fast as my head was working, but I don't think I've succeeded very well. And I've got a shocking headache. And I find that I never make much sense anymore anyway. :rolleyes:

So girls, I'm thinking of you both, and it's great to have friends like you who know the deal. I wish it was a much more pleasant deal, but at least we're in it together huh?
Stormgirl-
Your post literally brought tears to my eyes. You are such an awesome girl with a great heart. Man, did your guy make a big mistake. :rolleyes: So many people are selfish and you stormgirl are really so giving, understanding, and a true friend. It is funny how much you touch me through a computer screen. , my holiday buddy.

I know it is not happening fast enough..I think that is a problem with our generation. We live in a quick fix society. When we're hungry we go through a drive-through, when we are sick emotionally and physically we pop a pill, when we're bored with one television station we have hundreds of others to choose from. So unfortunatly when it comes to heartbreak we have to learn patience. Patience is not something we're used to practicing, especially when it hurts so bad and we just want to hurt to go away. I know you just want to close your eyes and wake up in a few months without the pain...me too. Remember I am a couple steps ahead of you and know all too well the feeling of not wanting to go out. I'm not a big go-outer either AND like you, most of my friends are married and/or have children. I'm not sure how I started to venture out...I guess I couldn't deal with the pain, resorting to hanging out with local college kids in my complex and people a couple years younger than me who are still single. Most of the time if I'm hanging out it is with the married ones, but they are people who care about me and that feels good. Thanks for not judging me about this "friends with benefits" guy. I haven't told many people in fear of their responses. It means alot that you understand. In fact, I feel much better about the situation as I got some good rest last night and have a clearer head about it all. You're right that I have developed feelings for someone other than my ex and that does give me hope. I no longer have the "I'll never feel this way again" thought. Of course, these feelings are different...but I'm able to find others attractive again without feeling sick. I'm able to think about another guy and I'm able to think about the idea of a future relationship wih some lucky guy oneday. It will come in time for you too. New years I'll probably spend with married couples. I need to meet more single people because I just can't relate that well to several of my friends. I'd love to meet a really cool girl to go out and party with and meet guys. Gosh, I sound 15 again. It kind of feels like it too. For Christmas I'll see my family and once again, my married friends.


I'm starting to realize things about the relationship that weren't so good. Even though I've had many relationships when we're in one for awhile we get accustomed to how things operate within the relationship. He had many wonderful qualities, but there are some things that he couldn't provide me with...emotionally. He had ADD so no wonder he wasn't always very attentive to me. We could never just lay in bed for hours...I know oneday that I can be happy with someone else. Nobody is perfect, but hanging out with this guy has shown me some qualities in a guy that I've missed but didn't realize it. And if I'm alone forvever thats okay too. I'm looking into a local paralegal program and there is a good chance I can get in. I wouldn't start for about 8 months but it will only be 1-2 years since I already have a Bachelor's degree.

I'm not sure what the future holds and there are no guarantees, but now I having some hope. Hope that I'll find a guy to marry oneday. Hope that I'll get a career going and make enough to support myself and some. So if things don't work out with someone then I won't be financially stuck. I realize I have alot to offer. I think I'm attractive and I'm one of those women who sticks it out even through the tough times. Thats hard to find nowadays.

Stormgirl, you're just weeks behind me. As soon as you go weeks without contact you'll start feeling better. I promise. I didn't think I could ever feel this good again. I mean I have awful moments, but I can laugh sometimes now. I see life differently and try not to take things, including relationships too seriously. We can only count on 2 things in life: ourselves and God. Everything else we can loose in a heartbeat. This is one of those times, stormgirl. When we realize to not take things/people for granted. To REALLY enjoy the good times because bad times are ahead, people leave us, people die on us...we have to really understand this before we invest in something again. Thats what I'm working on. Hang in there! It will get better and I see so much progress in you. That advice you give to others you'll start taking. You have the logic you just have to apply it; which I notice you already are. Okay, chin up; WATCH OUT WORLD cause to wonderful ladies are emerging! :)
YAAY!!!! Happy 4 weeks Elated!!! I'm sooooo proud of you!!!

I know that it's best to cut off contact. And I have tried (probably not hard enough). But he keeps pulling me back. I think that once I ask for no contact, and ask him to take his phone out of my name (for financial reasons), then I will feel better and he will know that I am serious. As I told him yesterday, this is just ridiculous.

Sophia, I tried to be friends with my ex of 5 years too. I didn't find it too bad, but then he moved along distance away so it's not like I had to see him. It also took me a while to be able to do that, but I prefer it that way rather than harbouring any ill feelings. I think it only holds you back. We slowly lost contact over the years, but I still speak to his sister every now and then. Hey Elated, you think you were forgotten about... my first ex moved a new girl in the day after we broke up (which was 6 years ago now), got engaged after a few weeks (I had waited 5 years) and now has 3 children. Talk about fast work huh? Now THAT'S what I call forgetting all about someone!!! :jester:

Well guys, I feel marginally better now. Yes I did get some sleep Elated... thank goodness. rd, I'm still frustrated to hear that there is no new news from you? What the hell is wrong with these people?

My New Years resolution... if I bring in the New Year without him, I'll end it without him too.
hey storm girl ,, i had thaught from the very beginging and still do think you want to be with him,esp if he cuts his ***** out and grows up,, i never said anything of the such because its usually not said to much on this board,,, i dont think things are going to change staying the way they are,,, he is comfortable with the situation and already knows how deeply you feel about him,,I dont know the who story about his depression or whatnot,,, just wondering how often you guys talk and who calls who? i wouldnt call him anymore unless your calling him back and dont rush to it,,,,take his calls but not all of them if he calls you,,, when your on the phone get of first dont stay on long and the second the the conversation seems to get quiet get off the phone,,,,,,keeps yourself busy,,,but dont be getting busy with anyone else :nono: ;) not yet anyway,, i noticed he has a big problem with that dont give him a reason to wine and complain even though you are single and can do what or who you want,,,,,,distance yourself more and more,,, and at the same time trying to get over him hes goign to see the pattern changing and wondering what the hell is up,, just a suggestion but im telling you he needs a reality check its goign to take that for him to make a move i think??
BUT you do what you have to i dont know your situation or how things have been progressing,, but i do see how he can call you and things go good and then you dont hear from him for a while,he knows you want to talk to him he knows you will be there when he calls......

as for me nothing changes ive realized i think she is depressed but doesnt show it,, like crying and stuff only through grumpiness and whatnot,, she is acting tuff but i believe she wants to be with me,,, she calls more than when we were a couple,, there are alot of things that shouldnt be for only being friends ,, but there has been no physical stuff,, i dont know how much i can take its annoying me im going to have this talk when i come back from miami,,,its funny tot hough,, she is going to be in florida the same dates as me and wantd to visit for like to days but i told her there wasnt going to be any room left for her to stay,, interesting it seems as though she is trying to keep an eye on me
Stormgirl-
Well you have had some progress in the past days with him, but really no answers to anything still. :rolleyes: "The I don't feel well"...man, I think we were dating the same guy. I'm not sure why you are blaming yourself for sending him that text message? He really has no reason to get mad at you because you said you don't like how hes treating you. I think it just made him feel guilty because he knows hes doing you wrong and he didn't like that guilty feeling. Hes running from himself, not you, make sense? It really comes down to what YOU want. Its obvious that hes not "certain" with any answer he gives you. And this uncertainty has been going on for months. You mention that when he gets mad he doesn't talk to you for days and that although you have no problem talking about problems, he does. Think long term (which on New Years it sounds like you were)...do you want to marry someone that can't communicate? Do you want to feel like this everytime something goes wrong? Do you ever want to know where you stand with him? I don't think that things will go back to "normal" regardless of how this all pans out. It can't be the same that it was because things have happened in the meantime. Now eventually it could be even better than before, but you can't strive for what the two of you HAD. Because its exactly that..you had that. Its in the past. You can only move on from here and develop a different kind of relationship with him or live life without him. I hate this for you. I know that your mind must be racing. Its like an obsession after awhile. It consumes you and drains every bit out of you. You have to figure this out: If he wanted you back how would you really feel? Could you look past the things hes done? Can you accept that when problems occur he'll probably shut you out? What do you REALLY want? Do you even know what you want? What kind of man will you be happy with and is he that man?
I think if you start focusing on these questions then you may have a better idea of exactly what to do with this situation and at least feel like you have a little control over it. I'm struggling with these questions right now too.

Its New Years and I feel awful. After some thinking about my "friends with benefits" situation and my past relationships I think I have some real problems. I think I'm codependent. I'm so consumed with being with someone that I don't even think I know myself anymore. I don't think I've ever known myself. Like with my ex, I quit smoking, stayed away from any recreational use and really felt like I had my life on track. But maybe I was living through him. Things I said I would never do again when I was with him I'm doing again. I thought I quit those things for me, but I didn't. I quit for him because as soon as he left I'm back to my old ways. I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I always fall in love too quick and then try to change the person to what I really want. I don't ever feel like I have a choice when I fall in love. I usually fall in love with someone I didn't want to get attached to. Someone who isn't husband material. Well, my ex could have been husband material, but something was always missing. I see that now. I'm always attracted to the bad guys. I'm almost 26 and I am so lost right now. I'm anxious and not sleeping. I spend a great deal alone to find myself, but thats not working. I don't think I've ever really loved myself. People ask me what I like and don't like and very few things I can come up with. I think for years I've always focused on relationships, rather than myself. Now I'm here at this point completely empty and confused. I'm torn between two worlds of being a party girl who doesn't care and does what makes her happy for the moment and then the girl who needs to quit bad behaviors because I know I should...I'm like 2 opposites. Its scary. I just feel really different lately. I think my head is really messed up. I may start a thread on this. I thought I had it together. I thought I knew what I wanted...but I don't. I think for years I lost out on really getting to know me. I compromise my values and beliefs when around certain people. I'm just weak. I think thats why relationships, including my last one didn't work. He was the only one I dated that I could see as a good husband, but we lacked a connection. I'm scared that if I never figure all this out then I'll never find real love. I don't think any man will want to marry me. I'm great to date...but long term people don't want that with me. Thats my experience and that makes me feel so low. Like something is wrong with me. I have no problem meeting people, but when it comes to being right for that person I never am. People have been right for me, but it hurts when I'm not right for them. I don't even know what type of guy I want. I know what I'm attracted to which is the bad boys, and then if I date a nice guy they normally don't connect with me either. OH MY GOD!! See what I mean? I'm just messed up and am done ranting. I feel hopeless and that it'll be like this for the rest of my life. I'm not going to find the "one" when I don't even know what I want. How do I figure that out? How do I find the true me? Or was there never a "me" and I've lived through other people so much that I'll never find "me" because I never existed? Sorry to rant..just letting you know where I'm at mentally. Not a good place. I've never felt like this before. I'm depressed, but theres more to it. Something just isn't right with me and I don't want to live like this. I'm not one that will have the right guy and a nice house...I've never been part of the norm so why on earth did I think I could ever have a "normal life". I'm not normal.

So what a way to bring in the New Year huh? Stormgirl I wish things were easier for you. Oneday all this you are going through will make sense. Hang in there! I'm here for you!





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