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Stormgirl-
Hey Hon. I know, I'd like to fast forward too. I went to buy Christmas cards yesterday and I sat there and looked at them and couldn't do it. I felt like it was the middle of May and I'm looking at Christmas cards. This year, I just don't have it and you know what? Thats okay. Last night was hard, and I still have friends and family ask if hes contacted me. They seem to have a harder time dealing with it than me. They just can't beleive that he just cut me out of his life and even though I told them to quit asking me they seem to forget and bring it up. I got so angry at my Mom last night about it that I think shes got the point that she doesn't need to ask me anymore. I know everyone cares, but its so hard when people say "I can't beleive this" and I think yeah.."me either". I was really depressed last night and to top it off my distraction guy and me decided to just be friends, nothing more because we're both in the same situation and we feel like we maybe getting in over our heads. So here I am forced to face this all head on again...running never works and altough I know this I sometimes can't bear the way I feel when I face it head on and have to escape it.

As for you. I agree with the others that a gift maybe over the top. He really doesn't deserve a gift. A happy Birthday message or card is what I think you should do, but this is your decision. How you should handle tomorrow? Well, if you decide to go over there you have got to convince yourself that you two are not together. That he may very well act the same way hes been acting and it will only hurt you more. Brace yourself for the worst so that way you can handle it if it kills you and you will be pleasantly surprised IF things go better than expected. I honestly think you are using this "Birthday gift" as a way to see him. I don't blame you because I probably would have done the same thing. You think of it as an excuse because afterall you're just coming over to give him a birthday present. But you know that deep down theres more to it. You want to see what happens. You're reaching for the hot stove again, thinking maybe this time it won't burn. :rolleyes: We're here for you if you get burned again okay? Tomorrow is going to be an eye opener. I'm not sure how it will go, but I do have a feeling that tomorrow even if he doesn't provide you answers that you will get answers from your heart once you see how he reacts to you being there. I'm worried about you, so brace yourself.

The dreams..yes I have them. So vivid. Some I remember and some fade quickly. When I wake from them, it is awful. It hits you like a ton of bricks. Some are very emotional. Some are so real that they stick with me all day. The only thing again, is time. In time I think you'll dream of him less and less. The biggest factor is that things are still in limbo with the two of you. Thats the WORST part. Not knowing either way. Trying to accept the situatoin for what it is. Trying to come to grips with the possibility that you may have to put an end to this limbo by making a hard decision. As painful as it is to accept that "wow, maybe this really is over and I'm walking away"...it can be releiving after the emotional limbo turmoil you once suffered. I still hope that things end for you differently than they ended for me. I had the false hope for awhile..now honestly I think I'm 99.9% sure its over and once I have accpeted that then the healing began. I mean things happen in life and you never really know...but I had to surrender to it and everything. I just couldn't take the "what if he comes back" anymore. Once I accepted that he probably isn't coming back and that even if he did I'm not sure I could handle even hearing his voice I felt a little better. I don't think every car I hear is him pulling up. I don't think everytime I check my e-mail maybe he sent me one. I don't think "its him" everytime the phone rings. I have my moments, but its better. I'm glad now that hes not contacting me because I couldn't handle it. He hurt me SO bad that talking to him or seeing him would only take me back to sqaure one. I'm actually thinking that mayve thats why he was such an a** and cut me out of his life, because now I'm not so sure I could have handled it any other way. If he was in my life right now I'd still be on the emotional rollar coaster. So as bad as things went down, it probably is for the best...because I know how much worse I would feel if he was in my life.

Please, brace yourself for tomorrow. I think its going to be an important day for you whether it goes bad or good. Let us know what happens.
Yes rd, very childish isn't it? There are just no excuses for this behaviour. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a life size chess game. Plotting moves and motives. I just don't care and have no time for kids games.

Well Elated, he sent me another message yesterday to ask if I had bought a car yet. I answered, and he ignored me. I was fuming. I noticed the only time he messages me is when he is on a break at work and probably has no one better to communicate with. So I lined him up and called him yesterday. I asked why he keeps sending messages when he clearly has no intention of speaking to me and keeps ignoring me anyway. He said fine, I won't message you any more like a little cry baby, and hung up. Well this just revved me up even more, so I called back and said don't be childish, but if you want to speak to me, either call me or come to see me... but don't keep sending me silly messages every now and then to see if I will respond because it's hurting me more and now it's just starting to annoy me. I tried to speak about what happened, but now he denies that he ever said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. That he was just trying to get his life together, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He tried the I only love you if you haven't been with another guy routine, and I told him to not turn things around onto me - and that his answer was not good enough. I didn't want this to happen. He did it, and there is nothing anyone can say to possibly make this my fault. I asked him what the hell it is that he wants, and he wouldn't answer. I am just so sick of all of this. I am tired of trying to second guess what someone is thinking. All he is doing is thinking of himself and trying to punish me (what for I have NO IDEA). This is not the life that I want to live. This site has made me a different person, and I am now in a different place in my life. I know what it is that I want, how I deserve to be treated, and what love is really about. I know that I love him, but he doesn't seem to be showing the same thing. And Eightball convinced me that I had put in way too much effort already, and now I know that's the truth. The more he acts like this, the more I don't want to waste my energy anymore, especially when I have got to this point in the healing process. I hit rock bottom and have dragged myself out to a certain degree. And it was hard, damn hard. Does he realise this, and how he made me feel? Does he even care?

Elated, you seem to think that it's a bad thing if you get involved with other guys. If they are not good relationship material, then yes, tread warily. But if you see even a bit of potential, why not go for it. There are no rules in the amount of time that you need. As long as both parties know what's going on, and you take it slowly. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you are just craving that feeling of comfort, then I would advise against it. Learn to be happy in your own skin without anyone else. Otherwise you are just temporarily filling a void, and you are worth much more. I have read some of your other posts, and I just want to say to you, please do not change from the wonderful person that you are because of this experience. Don't let him take away from you all the love and special qualities that you have to give. That way, he wins. Don't give up on true love and all of your beliefs just because of one person who, let's face it, is nothing more than a coward. Think of it more as a learning experience for next time. I know, you've probably given the true love thing a few shots (like me)... but don't let him take away your hope that it is really out there waiting for you. You just have to be patient... :angel:

Well that was my vent for today. Elated, thank you for your kind words. Don't ever forget though that without people like you, I wouldn't be where I am today. And I am a much better person. I used to think that I was a freak because of how I thought love should be, but now I know that I am not. People like you have been invaluable to me in encouraging me to stay strong, or just simply understanding when I was being silly. There's still a ways to go for the both of us, but aren't you proud at how far you've come and all that you've learnt in the process? There is nothing better than being able to talk to someone who just "gets" you. I'm glad that we have been able to help each other in this tough time. It makes me think that at least something good has come out of all this. Keep your chin up Elated, you're doing alot better than you think... ;)





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