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Relationship Health Message Board


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You absolutely MUST go to a party. And a party where you are guaranteed that there will be single guys, not just couples. I know you feel horrible right now, but believe me, if you happened to meet a guy who is not only more attractive but also less depressed, less confused, and a LOT more interested in spending time with you than your ex was--it would make you feel 100 times better! Also, don't believe everything you hear about so called "rebounds." a couple of my friends married the guy they met on a "rebound " (I hate that word anyway. how about "upgrade"? much better, no?). The worst thing is to sit home alone and mope. If you don't know any single people, try some major online dating site. What have you got to lose? Ladivapr met her new boyfriend this way just recently. At least you'll go out on some dates and won't be moping around thinking about this depressed individual. I'm serious.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]You absolutely MUST go to a party. And a party where you are guaranteed that there will be single guys, not just couples. I know you feel horrible right now, but believe me, if you happened to meet a guy who is not only more attractive but also less depressed, less confused, and a LOT more interested in spending time with you than your ex was--it would make you feel 100 times better! Also, don't believe everything you hear about so called "rebounds." a couple of my friends married the guy they met on a "rebound " (I hate that word anyway. how about "upgrade"? much better, no?). The worst thing is to sit home alone and mope. If you don't know any single people, try some major online dating site. What have you got to lose? Ladivapr met her new boyfriend this way just recently. At least you'll go out on some dates and won't be moping around thinking about this depressed individual. I'm serious.[/QUOTE]


Oh, trust me, I agree :) I have already met 2 guys that catch my interest and they aren't relationship material which is great because I can't handle one of those of awhile anyway. One is a DJ the other a Bartender and it is nice to go out have fun with them and be flattered at the same time. It will be awhile before I find a guy I want a relationship with. My ex had alot of great qualities so the next guy for me will have to have the same qualities and some. So, its kind of nice hanging out with some fun guys and not having to worry about a relationship. Still makes me miss my ex, but thats expected.
Hey guys... To destiny79, well you may not think you are getting over this guy, but I can tell that you are making some progress at least. It will take a while before you stop wanting to contact him/see him, but you are at the point where you know you won't, no matter how much you want to. Why? Because you know it will be bad for you. So, now you're starting to look after number one, and that, my friend, is PROGRESS!!! Yaay!!! Maybe not a great step, but a step nevertheless. And I may have more memories and history with my man than you, but it doesn't hurt any less does it? When a heart breaks, it breaks. Hang in there girl and keep posting.

To Elated, talk about heartbreak. You break my heart. I know that you are trying to be very brave, and your posts do not reflect how you are REALLY feeling inside. How? Cause I do it everyday. I say inspirational things and things that I know are true, but actually following them... HA!! I'm hopeless. But that's okay, cause we are allowed to feel like this. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. I look at how much my views have changed in the past few weeks, and that is progress for me. Sure, I have some more negative thoughts now, but I try to keep them to a minimum. It's frustrating though cause it's just not happening fast enough for me. I hate the way I feel. I want to be happy again, but I just haven't figured out how to yet. Seriously, it takes a very patient person to talk to me for about 30 minutes before they will get through to me and I will start talking to them. Before that, I just nod or "yes" or "no". And that's not me. I've decided I don't feel bad about sending him the card. Even if he doesn't read it, I feel like I have done the right thing by sending it. I'm not one to hold grudges, cause I think that if you hang on to hate, it really does hinder your progress in healing. The destructive behaviour. Well, the reason I haven't fallen into it is because I don't really have the motivation to go out. All my friends are married with kids etc, so I don't have anyone to drag me out. And actually, I prefer it that way. Maybe people don't think it's right, but it's right for me, and I have never been big on going out etc, so it doesn't bother me. I just don't feel like sharing anything with anyone at the moment, so the temptation is not even there anymore - NOT INTERESTED. Although it's not a good idea to get involved with a guy if you are going to get hurt, it does however, show that you are capable of having feelings for someone else. That's huge. It probably doesn't seem like it, but that is a big step. Try not to get too attached to this guy though, but even if you do get hurt again, remember that you've been at rock bottom and hopefully it will never get that bad again. You obviously feel like you need his company at this time, so go with it. As long as you keep the realistic thoughts there and don't get in too deep. Yes, I also worry that it will all come crashing down on me. And I worry, how will I ever meet someone in the future if I don't go out (but I don't care cause I'm not interested anyway)? There is no use worrying. Just take it day by day as you have been. And it will get easier. You keep saying that you haven't dealt with the ex head on, but in your own way you have. What's right for me, may not be right for you. You know the truth, you know the way things are, you have stopped contacting him because you know you will get hurt. That's dealing with it head on. The pain, of course, is going to linger. You fully know that too. So you sometimes want to avoid it and hide away from it for a while. Who wouldn't? The pain is unbearable. I should be getting back out there but I just don't want to. If I can't be with my man, then I just don't want to be with anyone. But it's different for me cause I'm still living at home and have people around me. You are living on your own, so perhaps you crave human contact a bit more than me (Yikes, I'm trying to hide from all the well meaners). I wish there was something I could say, or perhaps give you the answer that you are looking for. I think the best thing we can do at the moment is edge ourselves along, and take it all bit by bit. It may come crashing down on us one day, but we've been at rock bottom haven't we? And we've crawled our way out a little, and we can do it again. Everything you say to me makes perfect sense Elated. There is nothing you can tell me that would surprise me. We've been dumped in it together, and we'll make our way out together.

Now, what are you doing for Christmas? Are you spending it with family/friends? I hope so. I don't want you to be on your own. Oh, don't I go into big sister mode when you are feeling down!!!

Sorry if I have jumped from topic to topic and not made much sense here. I've been trying to type as fast as my head was working, but I don't think I've succeeded very well. And I've got a shocking headache. And I find that I never make much sense anymore anyway. :rolleyes:

So girls, I'm thinking of you both, and it's great to have friends like you who know the deal. I wish it was a much more pleasant deal, but at least we're in it together huh?
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Stormgirl-
Your post literally brought tears to my eyes. You are such an awesome girl with a great heart. Man, did your guy make a big mistake. :rolleyes: So many people are selfish and you stormgirl are really so giving, understanding, and a true friend. It is funny how much you touch me through a computer screen. , my holiday buddy.[/QUOTE]

Hey Elated, you have no idea how much I feel the same. I always get a little teary when I read your posts. I guess it's overwhelming that someone can care so much.

You know, you've raised a good point. We sit around and feel bad because of the things we are missing about them. But what about the things we aren't missing about them? I think the thing that I miss least is the worrying and pressure of trying to maintain a relationship all by myself. I wish I had of had the luxury of being able to sit back and just go with things while someone else put in all the hard yards. I guess sometimes we forget the not so good things and concentrate way too much on the good things. We need to concentrate on the not so goods, so we can stop selling ourselves short.

I am so proud to see you feeling inspired again Elated. I know some of it may be show, but it's good to at least hear that you are thinking about those things... and looking to the future. I'd never judge you Elated. When I broke up from my first long term boyfriend I did the same thing. And you know, at the time it was the right thing for me. Now, I just feel safe in my own little world and don't want to let anyone in. There are other reasons that I know I shouldn't feel, but I do. Firstly, you know how he said he still loved me unless I'd given him reason to? Well I guess that stills plays on my mind a little. I shouldn't care how he would feel, but I do. And it helps me to feel guilt free. I suppose I'm still hoping a little. Obviously I am not really interested either. I just think that if this relationship didn't work out, I don't want to be in one for a while, or any semblance of one. And... are you ready for this one... I haven't bothered doing my bikini line for some time (I am very pedantic about my bikini line), so there's NO WAY I'm gonna let anyone anywhere near me!!! :jester: HAHAHAHA!!! See I told you we all cope in different ways!!!

I've come to the conclusion that I don't care if I am alone. I really do, but I try to convince myself that it's okay if I am. I suppose it helps us hey? It just annoys me that all my friends are married/kids etc and most don't even appreciate it. And here's me, for the past 11 years trying to accomplish what they have and... well, here I am talking about it. This isn't how I had imagined my life would be, but it's now time to take stock and try to change the things that I do have control over. It's disappointing that I grew up thinking my life would be a certain way, and the dream fell apart one day. But watching you be brave Elated, I know that I can do it too.

I have to admit that I nearly called/messaged him last night. I didn't, but it's the closest I've been in some time to doing it. I don't know why... I guess I still have the fantasy that he will wake up one day and realise what a mistake he's made in the way he has treated me and charge up to find me and beg me to give him another chance. HA, talk about watching too many movies. I guess we can all dream can't we? Maybe it's with Christmas coming. I haven't had a Christmas without a boyfriend for the last 11 years, but seeing that I'm almost 27, I think I'm a big girl now and can handle it. I actually don't even mind being on my own, it's just that I don't want to be here without him. Anyway... enough!!!

Elated, I hear what your saying about nothing being certain. But again, I have to tell you not to let the bitterness of what has happened affect you. Yes you may be a little wary next time, but don't go into something always thinking that the bad will come. It may not. And your ability to keep giving and loving when you feel that all is lost, well that's what makes you so special. Don't ever lose that. It's what makes us good people. And if nothing else goes right, at least we can look inside ourselves and be happy and proud with the good people that we are. Not everyone can do that. The people who have hurt us will one day look inside and feel empty and unsatisfied. We never will because we haven't hurt anyone, and have always been giving and loving, even when our chips were down... we still fought on.

I am really so proud of you Elated. Your inspiration may not be a reality yet, but the intention to make the most of your future and march on is there, just brewing and will grow stronger everyday. You are a truly beautiful person, and God will not overlook that. :angel:


PS. rd, where you at? How are things rolling along for you? Give us an update?
Goody-
Thank you SO much for your reply. I do think that no matter what I could have done in my past relationship, it just wasn't meant to be. I do agree that maybe he just wasn't the right one for me. I have gave up alot of my controlling/obsessive thoughts weeks/months ago because I had to. I trust in God and in life that there was a reason for this. What I'm worried about is that I think deep down I knew it wasn't right, but I stayed anyway. Often I get too attached to men too quick and as I'm here single almost 26 I see that what I have been doing doesn't work. Normally a guy is more interested in me first than I am in him. Overtime I get attached and of course it never works out. Even with this "friend" of mine. If he was interested in a relationship, I'd probably have one with him even though I know that in the long run we aren't compatible. Make sense? I need to figure out what it is I want from a guy. I'm not even sure who I am anymore and its a scary feeling. I feel comfort when you said that people are always changing, etc. Maybe thats it...I'm just changing..maybe I haven't lost myself, I'm just changing and it feels really uneasy right now. I just have this gut feeling that things will never work out for me. I have this feeling that I'm so messed up in the head that I won't have a lasting relationship, ever. That I fall in love for all the wrong reasons.

So, I have let go of my ex. I am learning that I can't control everything and am trying to let life happen naturally. In the meantime of all this I feel that I need to make changes and choices, yet I have no idea what they are. If I just did what made me happy in the moment then in the long run I'd be in some serious trouble...so I am trying to figure out if I do what makes me happy for the moment or do what is best in the long run...and to find that will power.





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