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[QUOTE=Bella535]This has been an issue since I'm with him: He comes from a not so clean house and I come from one where there couldnt be a speck on the floor. This is causing a problem because he doesnt understand my need to keep the house clean! He's always putting his stuff all over and just being messey. It drives me up the wall and I tell him to put his things away and he ends up calling me "bossy" and sometimes he tells me "your not my mother!" first of all that is extremely hurtful and it doesnt solve anything. I've told him a few times that I'm not his cleaning lady and sometimes I even tell him "If it makes me happy why cant you do it for me" but it doesnt help.....I think he just doesnt care about me or my needs.[/QUOTE]

I know how frustrating that is but unfortunately, you will never change him. My husband is also messy and I am (was) a neat freak. I'm the one who had to change. My husband does the same thing as yours. If I ask him to put something away more than once.........well forget it. He's not going to do it until he's good and ready (if ever). I really do think it's common for a man to feel defensive when asked more than once to do something. Most see it as nagging.
I used to come home from work angry every day. His shoes were in the middle of the floor for me to trip over, keys, papers, trash, nut, bolts, nail clippers, and anything else in his pockets would be on the computer desk, kitchen table, coffee table, or wherever he was standing when he emptied his pockets. His dirty clothes would be on the livingroom floor as well as the bedroom floor, on the bed, on the dresser, and on the bathroom floor. I tried asking, begging, pleading, and finally, putting a box under the computer desk and throwing everything in it for him to put away at his leisure. All that did was make him defensive and angry.
He grew up in a home where his mother did everything. He and his brothers and father never lifted a finger to pick up after themselves. We have been married now for 13 years and he's still messy, although I've noticed that without even asking, he puts his shoes near a piece of furniture instead of the middle of the floor now. He's gotten better about picking up his clothes and he automatically puts his papers and stuff in only one spot. I think the difference is, I'm not angry anymore. I finally realized I had two choices - Be angry all the time, or accept him as he is and pick up his stuff. I've learned not to be so picky anymore but I still like a clean house. I don't want to be ashamed when company comes over. So I will put his shoes away, pick up his clothes, and put his papers and other goodies in a junk drawer where he knows he can find them. And I do it without resentment.
I don't think your husband's messiness has anything to do with whether he cares about you or your needs, just as your neatness has nothing to do with caring about his needs. It's just part of the different personalities of you and your SO. Since you can't change him, you may need to change your attitude about his messiness. I realize that this is probably not what you want to hear, but you could become very angry and resentful of him for this minor fault and forget about all his good qualities if you focus too much on this.
Everyone wants to be accepted just as they are and our men are no exception. To many men, a neat house is pretty low on the priority list. Making a good living, or maybe having great friends may be higher on the list. If you find out what makes your husband happy and support him, I guarantee he will make more of an effort for you even if it's not quite the effort you hoped for. He will at least try. He probably wants very much to please you but may feel your expectations are too high. He wants to feel like he's your hero, not your bad child. If you let him read this, I bet he will agree. Good luck and God bless. ;)
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My home is not a place, it is people.
-Lois McMaster Bujold-





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