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Hi I guess I already know the answer to this question but advice would be great.
I think my partner is carrying on with the next door neighbour. Over the past 2 years we have constantly argued about the amount of time and what I would call personal conversations he has with my next door neighbour. It started out borrowing things from each other, then she would get my partner to help her with getting her lawn mower to start or a welding job etc etc, then one particular day I was in my laundry near the back door and over heard them having a conversation over the fence ( this is where most of there chats occur ) He was complaining about me and then the conversation moved on to nudity ie he was claiming that he walks around the back yard naked and likes to go to the nudist beach ( this is crap by the way ) then she went on to say how she walks around the back garden with only a jumper on and NOTHING else. Needless to say I walked out the back to put an end to this conversation. She skuttled off and I confronted him about the what I would call the provocative conversation. He claimed it wasnt and that I was over reacting.
Anyway this has been a long running argument between us, I have told him repeatedly to stay away, he says they are only friends.
Well the chit hit the fan the day after christmas, I was going through the phone book on his mobile phone to get a phone number and saw an entry saying Julie and then investigated further and saw he had rang her on Christmas afternoon. At this point I didnt realise it was the woman next door. I confronted him and said who is Julie and why is her number in your phone, he said it was a woman in the office at his work and he had the number for emergencies. Of course I didnt believe him. I said I was going to ring the number and find out who it was and he starting trying to grab the phone off of me. I ran outside and rang the number and a woman answered the phone, I said is that Julie and she said NO. I said dont lie, why is your phone number in my boyfriends phone and she said you will have to ask him. I then said do you work with him and she said YES ! It was at this point I realised it was the woman next door. I absolutely freaked and hung up and confronted my boyfriend demanding to know why he had her number in his phone and when he got it. He said she gave it to him on Christmas day and I kept demanding why he needed it when she lives next door ? I couldnt get a straight answer out of him so I went next door and confronted her. The first thing she said to me was that ALL MEN ARE SLEAZE BAGS , she also said that they hadnt slept together, then tried to tell me that she gave him the phone number so he could contact her son in law. I told her not to insult my intelligence, like why would he need to ring her to contact the son inlaw ( by the way the son inlaw is a 19 yr old kid he use to work with a long time ago and its not like he is great friends with the guy ) and the son in law doesnt live there. I told her not to insult my intelligence, this is where she turned cocky and said DONT INSULT MINE ! I walked off and told her to stay away and she just said YEAH YEAH with a real attitude.
Since that day my partner and I talked and he assured me that nothing is going on and that I am over reacting, still claiming they are only friends. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt ( I know totally naive and stupid ) but I did so as we have 2 babies together, a 15 month old daughter and an 8 week old son. Anyway this evening he was out the back playing with our daughter and I heard the side gate go so I went to the back door to make sure my daughter was ok and saw he coming back towards the gate , he had gone out the front to grab our garden hose. It was then that I realised she was also at the front of her house seeing off a male friend, my boyfriend didnt realise I was standing at the back door watching and I saw him give her a funny sort of a smile with a weird look on his face. I stood out on the back step and as he walking towards the gate he said to me she is with ANOTHER man. Now take into consideration he was half drunk, and I said what the hell do you mean by she is with ANOTHER man ? He also seemed annoyed which he emphatically DENIES ! I just dont know if I am being OVER sensitive to the whole situation or not ? Maybe I imagined it ? When I went on and on at him about the comment about she is with ANOTHER man, he said well I thought you would be happy about that and that is why he made that statement to me, but I just cant help but believe it was a slip of the tongue on his part, especially seeings he was drunk.
I just dont know what to think anymore, he is still ABSOLUTELY denying anything between them and INSISTS they havent slept together. Im not saying they have had sex, but I feel there is definately something going on. If it was all so innocent why did she lie to me when I first rang her ? Why didnt she say who it was ? Why did she acquire an attitude when I confronted her ? Man my head is just spinning right now :( I am honestly starting to think maybe I am a lunatic ? He is just 100% denying ANYTHING, still saying they are only FRIENDS. I also cant get it out of my head her comment that ALL MEN ARE SLEAZE BAGS . Was she trying to say HE IS A SLEAZE BAG ? But why would she give him her number ? By the way my hubby knows nothing about mobile phones and how to add entries to the phone book etc, so she would have put it in herself, which he says she did. When I was demanding to know why he rang the number on Christmas day ( supposedly the same day she gave him the number by the way ) he said to make sure it was her number. LIKE WHAT A THING TO SAY TO ME and why would he be that worried ? I cant help but feel the writing is on the wall, but its just so diffucult when he is totally denying EVERYTHING . I feel like I should go and talk to her again and try and get some truth from her, but Im just not sure I trust myself not to go totally ballistic.
So I guess what I am looking for is some honest outside advice from people that dont know us. I hope someone can tell me if they think I am over reacting or if my fears are true ?
God Lisa.. this situation doesn't sound good. I never been in a situation where I thought my DH has been cheating but my father cheated on my mother with her best friend at the time. She got suspicious of them and he was also on chat lines trying to get several other women on the go. I was a teenager at the time. When my mother had enough she confronted him about it and he absolutely DENIED it.. my mom also said something to her.. she also acted like nothing was going on.. well needless to say my parents are divorced.. my father who i cant stand btw.. throughout the years would continue to deny anything happened between them.. however just a couple months ago my sister asked him about it and although he didn't flat out say they had sex.. he made a comment about "not getting what he needed from my mother".. my sister knew right then the truth.. so moral of this story is that cheating men will lie.. even after a relationship is over. I can't say for sure that your DH is cheating but he definately is lying (or telling half truths) and something sure sounds like it is going on.. doesnt sound like completely innocent neighbourly conversations are going on..

As for confronting her again... I mean.. I think you have your answer.. why would she say they haven't slept together... they havent' slept together but else what have they done together??? I dont thinking confronting her again is going to help anything at this point.. you won't be borrowing any more sugar from her .. As far as her comment about men being sleazebags.. sometimes cheating men will make promises to leave their wives and kids.. take them on vacations...etc.. who knows what he is saying to her.. maybe she figured at that point too that he told you about her??? Her number in the cell phone was definately not for her son in law that doesn't live there.... stupid lies people come up with..

I would love to say its as simple as just leave him but I know that is the farthest thing from the truth.. I know you have been having several problems with him over the last couple months... Obviously you are not too happy about him possibly cheating.. but what if he fessed up and said yes he was and that they did have sex?? Would you want to stay and try to make it work or would you want to leave?? I think either way you have to examine your relationship and figure out is it worth saving or do you need to move on.. let me know what you are thinking....
Hi again well its 4.24 am here and I have been awake alllll night worried :(
Thanks so much for replying. Solcita he did actually promise to end the friendship and never speak to her again, this was 2 days ago. In them 2 days he was fantastic to me and the kids, he actually got up to my son twice and done all of my washing for me yesterday. It was later that afternoon when the other stuff happened with him going out the front etc. Just about everyone I have spoken to about this all agree with you guys that they havent had sex, but it was definately heading that way. Like you said, her saying we havent slept together, is her saying well something has happened , but no sex. She also said to me, well I wouldnt do that because he is with someone, and I immediately replied so you would if he wasnt with me, and she just scoffed at it. I just turned around and said to her WHAT KIND OF A WOMAN ARE YOU ? We have 2 f*****g babies together ! I guess I am getting so mad that he is trying to make out like I am some kind of fruitloop and its all in my head. I think this upsets me the most, when I know its not in my head ! I have had a feeling for a long time that I should be careful of this woman :o I honestly dont know what I would do if he did actually admit an attraction ? I guess he feels he cant admit anything to me for fear of me breaking up with him, but the way things are going we will anyway ! I just dont trust him AT ALL . Everytime I pop out I am worried they are hanging over the bloody fence again :( In answer to the question about oppurtunity, I pop out a few times on weekends, to go to the shops etc , but I normally leave one of the kids here, most of the time Adam, and that poor little thing is asleep, so Yeah I guess if they were really quick , something could happen. I do believe that he hasnt had sex with her, but I think this was just lack of oppurtunity. He is home all the time apart from work, which is in a factory enviroment that he clocks on and off, so no he couldnt do anything during the day. When I asked him why she felt the need to lie if it was all innocent, the azz said because she knows you are a frootloop, which hurt me even more. I said well why would she think that if YOU HADNT TOLD HER THAT and he said well she hears you yelling and screaming at me.
I just feel sick to my stomach right now. I feel I cant let this rest until he admits something to me and I think it will be a cold day in hell before he does that :( Thats why I thought about confronting her ! What do you think ?
Maybe this is a long shot, but some guys figure that as long as they aren't legally married they're still single.
And, of course some guys cheat no matter whether they are married or single but in a committed relationship.
Have you ever thought about moving out, getting child support and being "single" yourself until he wants to marry you? (If it's you that doesn't want to get married I apologize for the assumption!)
I hurt so much for you. I wish I could share some great cure all of everything involved in your shi*y sittuation, but I don't have those answers-the perfect ones.

However, I had this happen once. When my mom-yes my mom-shared the idea with me I thought I could never do it and it seemed silly and hated HER so much I only wanted to kick her....I did try it and it worked, turned out after I got him back I couldn't stand him. Yeah a little game playing, but what it really did is help me control my anger, understand the situation and also see relationships with open eyes, every angle and understand what I really want out of the realationship. Plus, I did feel better when I became a little bit of a nicer person!

Having her right next door has to be the worst. How angry, hurt, and pretty much in rage when you see her prancing around. I'd want to "bring it on bit**ch", but I don't think that would help. WOMEN are strange-we know it. We look at other women just as much as guys, we know how we think, we are competative and vindictive and petty and can't let catty issues go-ever! I our guy says :that waitress was nice...we may say "yeah, nice mustache she had too".

After things cool down a little, could you casualy make amends? Deflect it from the issue at hand and make some lame excuse about holiday stress, broken nails, back pain, no sleep..whatever and give her the impression there is no battle, it is not you against her. Maybe even try to (without obvious blame) confide in her that you guys are having a tough time and it's hard to keep a brave face and dedication in front of you little childen, who most likely know tension exsists. Confide things are stressful, but don't blame or suggest it is an affair? Throw in a compliment "hey, your a women, were the smarter sex...I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. roll of the eyes, dismissive wave and on to a few nothing improtant comments. Quick talk-it's no big deal. Few days later-ask her for help (gee, your so smart and helpful) if you can't think of anything, make up a story-hey-while you were out a guy named bill jenkins stoped and asked if you were selling a used moutian bike. I didn't give him your number, but he said he would stop back. You may be thinking NO WAY will I talk to her and NO WAY will I pretend she is not a tart and nothing but trash. I don't blame you. If you want to try this on..

Let me be blunt: can you take "her" away from "him"? I did this with college boyfriend and his "study partner". Months of anger, hurt, diggin thru his things, catty and mean and confertaions with her. I was frantic and a mess.
Then, one day I ran into her and kind of said hello and then broght up BF, but with a fake, "did you leve your unbrealla over?" I thought he mentioned it is yours, so I just put it in his bag so he could give it to you. Then I complained about his mildy woman to woman. Then changed subjects and slid in a few compliments-played dumb-asked her innocent girly questons so she could brag and talk about herself. I hated it. Three weeks later she and I talked more than my BF. She'd come to study BF and I'd show up and we'd chat and it would turn into chic stuff. Nice and friendly. Went out a few times-left BF at home-oh, and even talked nice about her to him-but with a negative note: I feel so sorry for her that she is flunking math 101, I wish I could help her-but I'm just too busy. Poor thing.

About a week of this and when your BF tires to be sly and lean over to talk to her, walk out and share in all that fun!! Bring up something you and she talked about that he is not included in. Even better, if he's naked walk up to talk to her, roll your eyes at him "ya know, can't you ever take the time to put some clothes on or something??" Turn to her.."ug, what can I do to cure him of this???!"

You will always have excuses to go over, call, join them, interupt. She may end up talking to you better. OR, she may feel she's getting one over on you.

If it would work, you can stop the effort after their little game is over and I bet they would not be buds.

Then you would just have to work on HIM-and I have no idea on what to do!
Hi everyone and thanks so much for the suport , you dont know what it means to me to be able to have the advice of women..You see I pretty much have left what few women friends I had behind. I guess if Im honest it was because of him :( I just dont know how much more of this situation I can handle, but yes your right hilary I am pretty strong. I have become quite good at burying my head in the sand and just NOT thinking about things to get through the day for my babies . I think in my heart I know that this cant go on forever, but Im sure you are all aware how rough it is having a new baby and also how tiring. I just dont know if I could cope on my own right now. He doesnt give me much help at all, buts it better than NO help. My mother lives over an hour away so isnt really on hand to help and my sister is having her own marital problems and has a 20 month old daughter, so the last thing she needs is my problems on top of it. I have been asking myself over and over do I still love him and I just dont know the answer to that :confused: It just seems like the last 2 years have been one stressfull situation after another. I feel like we dont even really know each other anymore. Maybe I pushed him into this so called friendship with the b**ch next door ? I understand that I havent been there as much for him, but far out, I have been pretty much pregnant for the last 2 years and looking after babies with little help from him, and on top of that being harrassed by his father :o Which by the way I put an end to as he made inappropriate remarks to my baby daughter. I told Jules this afternoon that I will end this situation if I dont start getting some relief from all the stress. He has promised me yet again that nothing has happened between them and that he will not have anything to do with her. Thankfully she is actually leaving to go on a working holiday around the country in about a month, so she wont be in my face anymore. I think deep down I know that unless there is some radical changes that we wont last :( But my main priority right now is just trying to look after my babies.
Anyway I must go and try and get some sleep, I only got 1 hour last night :(
Speak again soon and thanks so much for the support. :angel:
Hi Hilary , sorry if it came across that I was directing the post at you. I know you werent having a go at me :) It was a few people that mentioned about having the children with him. I honestly dont remember if it was me that posted about the money issue. He has had a problem in the past ie he is the one that goes out to work so its HIS money. But I have made it abundantly clear to him and more so since being pregnant with and having Adam that whilst he is under my roof and I am doing everything a wife would and taking care of HIS children that its not just HIS money. So yeah I may have made a post about that a long time ago. I also contribute to the household income, not as much as him of course, but probably half. I also pay the rent here out of my money. I pretty much control the finances as he can be quite irresponsible with money and we just cant afford for him to be irresponsible when we have 2 babies to look after. But in saying that he goes without NOTHING. He gets a good chunk of his wages every week and anything he asks me to get for him he gets. The more I think about it I think I did have a post about this issue. There has been that many I forget sometimes :confused: If my memory serves me right I think I was told that because we arent married that it is his money. Im not sure what the laws are in other parts of the world, but over here in Australia you only have to be living with somebody for 6 or 12 months ( not sure which one ) to have the same legal rights as if you were married. So really its not worth the paper its written on in some ways. Marriage that is ! Of course from an emotional level it means everything. It means that that person loves you and wants to commit to you and we all want someone that is prepared to do that. But legally I have just the same rights as if I was married to him. If we were to break up I am entitled to 50 % of assets and also child support. But the assets side of things doesnt really come into play as a lot of the assets in my home I already had before I was with him and what we have accumulated since being together ( almost 4 years ) we are both entitled to half each. Anyway Im probably getting way off subject here LOL Sorry if you thought I was being rude or something, I guess I directed my post more at you because I totally agreed with what you were saying to me and I thought you were really nice :)

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