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I sincerely don't want to take over this thread, but I did want to quickly respond to some of the posts to me. Thanks for all the support and kind words, but one thing you don't know is that my situation is unique. The truth is I'm just not like other people. I don't know why, I'm just not, so the normal rules don't apply to me. I just don't make friends, never have been able to make really good friends. People just don't take to me, never have, ever since I was a very little girl and first started going to school. Even the person I considered to be my one real best friend since I was 12, well I've posted about her before so I won't detail, but she was fair weather, ran off when someone more fun came along, etc. and then finally took a powder soon after my ex left.

I'll be the first to admit I should have dumped my ex shortly into the relationship. I allowed him to waste my time and hurt me when I knew I should have just left. But I wanted so badly to have some sort of life, I put all my eggs in that basket. And what hurts so much is not just that he married someone else instead of me, but that he married a woman so opposite of what he said he wanted, which makes me draw the conclusion that everything he said to me was a lie and a manipulation. I gave him my heart, body and soul trust and he didn't even respect it enough to be honest with me or even treat me like a human being. I was just a warm hunk of meat to him. And I was the only woman in his life he had ever dated that he treated this way, so it's not like it was a pattern with him, so I can't say "well, that's just who he is." That's a bigger deal than just one guy I dated married someone else. And it's not that I'm unable or unwilling to trust again. If I met someone I was attracted to who was attracted to me, I'd be glad to take the lessons I've learned and apply them to another chance. It simply hasn't happened. I know it's hard for you guys to conceive of someone going all through high school and college without even a date, and only dated one guy my whole life, but that's what happened. Sure, I've met lots of guys I'd have loved to have dated, even asked one out, through a friend (immature, I know, but hey, I was only 13 at the time!) and tried my best to flirt with others and let them know I liked them. I even gave one a big chocolate Hershey's kiss for secret santa exchange. Nothin'.

I never really bought into the whole self-fulfilling prophecy, either. When we first broke up, I bought new make up, colored my hair, lost some weight, and hit the clubs at least twice a week. Open mikes, karaoke, dance clubs, etc. I set out bound and determined to meet someone really great, and I was sure I would. The problem was, since I had lost my friend, I had to go alone, or with my brother. People, especially guys, are put off by a woman sitting there alone. simply because she's alone, they assume something's wrong with her. and with my brother, they assume he's my boyfriend or husband, so they stay away. I met some acquaintances, regulars I sat with and talked with, but it never went any further than that. I've even given my number out to several people, but not one ever called me.

And regarding spending a life alone, and there being worse things, I don't know. I guess you have to truly live your life alone, I mean ALONE, no phone contact, no personal contact, with anyone, all day, everyday, to really understand what it's like, but if I had the choice of say, being able bodied and alone like I am, or being in a wheelchair or living on the street without enought to eat but having someone in my life who loves me, it wouldn't be a slam dunk choice. Don't ever take for granted how valuable it is to have someone in your life who loves you. I can see why it looks like wallowing in self pity and misery to you guys, but wallowing in misery and just having to finally accept an awful truth are different, even if they look very similar.

I don't have a crystal ball, I don't know for sure I'll always be alone, I'm just going by my track record. But I've tried hard enough to satisfy myself that it's not something I can create for myself. I met my ex, the only love I've ever known in my life, when I wasn't even trying, or even looking for it. I know if it's meant to be, it will happen that way again. If it's not in the card for me, then it's not. But I just can't hope for it anymore. It hurts too much.

I guess that's it. Back to your regularly scheduled thread! :D





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