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When broke up with my boyfriend of 2 yrs, it was on very good terms and we also continued to talk regularly (even more then once a day). And when i started dating someone new about a year and a half ago, I continued to be friends with the ex, but i was also [I]very [/I] aware of my current bf's feelings about it. i knew it annoyed him (ex and i have office jobs, so we chat on IM literally all day), but since [I]nothing [/I] shady was going on the with ex, i was almost hyper about keeping everything open to my boyfriend. even to the point when he would ask if i had talked to the ex that day, if he texted my cell phone i would say "oh yeah, it was pretty funny..." and hand him my cell to read the text messages himself. i'm sure he couldn't care less what random thing we were chatting about, but i figured it would put his mind at ease that i let him read all my texts & do all the snooping he wanted on my cell. i would hand it over and usually go do something else, so if he wanted to paw through my call log or voicemails or anything, have at it. when my ex was in town for the first time, the very first thing i did was take him to meet my boyfriend. that was just me being aware that if i were him (or YOU!!!) i would be annoyed!!
my point (however rambling...) is that if your boyfriend was having an honest friendship with his EX, he should be more then happy to be 100% open with you. I also do NOT think that you are overreacting! you don't need to throw a hissyfit at him, but i would say something like "i'm sorry if i seem paranoid, but can you blame me for being a little uncomfortable that you speak to her all the time?" If he says that he thinks you're crazy, you got problems. insensitive guys are hard to change.
Bottom line, his hiding their relationship could either be because they really are just friends and in his wierd-thinking guy-mind, he thinks you'll be less stressed about it if he just tells you they don't talk. Or option 2 is that he is "keeping his options open" and that you should have no patience for. :nono:
Hi,

Its good to know that you are so similar in your actions towards what has happened - not just me thats too much of a softy! In answer to your question 'what's happened between us' - we split up last week. And yes I am devastated. His ex was best friends with his sister. On a drunken night out for his ex's birthday she said to his sister that she was still in love with him until just a month ago (that's all through the 16 months me and him were together) and as he had rejected her throughout this time she wanted to hurt him the only way she knew possible, and so confessed that when me and him first got together she forced herself onto him and they slept together, 2 months into our relationship. I, like you, do not tolerate cheating AT ALL - and even though I barely knew him at the time, I cannot accept that he would do such a thing. I wouldn't so much as give my number out to someone a week into knowing someone else but I suppose i'm just old-fashioned or something.

Anyway, NOW he has said that he has cut all contact with her - but it's too late. He says that when he realised how important I was and that he was starting to fall for me he told her she had to back off and nothing has happened since. But they remained close friends as they have a past 'secret' from when they were together that means they have to talk with each other about it as nobody else knows about it ( i do know, and it is fair enough). But I still cannot understand why he would risk what we had together to stay friends with someone if every time they met up she tried her very very best to get him to go back out with her. Ex's are trouble. I've certainly learnt that one! But most of all, everyone knows ex's are a touchy subject - and if your bf has regular contact with her and hides this from you then I would definately suspect something. Yeh, it may be innocent and he may be hiding it from you because it is innocent and he wouldn't think you would believe that - but you should bring this fact up - and say that you already know things he thinks you don't know (such as how much they talk) and that you would appreciate knowing about what / how often, otherwise you will be inclined to think that its not innocent. If he has nothing to hide then he should have no problem with this.

You're probably like me in that if you bring something up (that you are completely entitled to) then you always feel guilty afterwards about asking and even turn the blame on yourself. Don't! you have to realise that you are being understanding about your situation and you have every right to want to know everything. Reading your story is really weird as it could easily have been me writing those exact same words about 8 months ago - I just hope that you manage to sort yours out before something happens. If you have any questions i'd love to be able to help as I wish smeone had given me advice at the time! ;)
Thanks Pinkmonkey,
your words do definitely give me insight into my situation...and yes, I feel like we are two pees in a pod :jester:

Well, after taking some of my mom's advice (doesn't happen often) I talked to HIS mom this weekend and she had some interesting things to say. I already know about his past when it comes to girls (how many he's been with, etc) and his mom really kind of comforted me a bit. She said that she asked him flat out what his feelings for his ex were and he said that "she means nothing to me"...and he is not one to lie to his mom. Believe me on that.....and I explained my concerns to her about him not listening to my feelings and she told me that his ex was a SUPER needy girlfriend and she was always depressed and needing cheering up, etc. my bf apparantely always felt like he needed to give her everything just to make her happy. She told me that there was a time when he probably would have waited forever for her when she moved away to school and that he was devastated that she started to date someone else, but then he got over it. Now, his mom is very honest and I knew wouldn't sugar coat things for me. She assured me that he is over her and that if they talk (she had no idea that they still talked) that it was harmless. She said that my bf was more concerned with losing ties to her family (apparantely they were cool) than he was about losing her.

I don't know, in a way it was nice to hear that from his mom, but at the same time I still think that he has feelings there, and maybe he can fall in and out of love with many more but always hold a place in his heart for the love he once had....I probably am guilty of the same, I just don't still talk to them, you know?

I also got up the nerve to ask him last night about why he gets so defensive when I bring things up that are remotely connected with his ex. He apologized and said it was something he needed to work on and he would. I mean, we were having an innocent talk about jewlery (a specific kind) and I was like "yeah, I'm sure you've bought a few pieces in your day"...I was not trying to insinuate that he bought stuff for her (yes, I know he has) I was saying that guys buy jewelry for girls, that's a fact and I know my ex's have bought jewelry for their ex's, etc. I wasn't trying to push any buttons or anything....(I myself have never received jewelry from a guy, not even my bf now)...and I was hoping that he could see that maybe I would like something (pushing my luck girls I know, but I am a hopeless romantic...oh, am I ever)....but he just got all moody and told me that I was being stupid about bringing stuff up like that. Let's just say I said my peace and didn't talk the rest of night. Maybe he will get the message today when I don't call him.

I made the jewelry comment because, let me tell you, my gift for Xmas was the most unthoughtful gift I have ever received. It was the same thing I received for another occasion a few months back. No thought in this man's bones it seems sometimes. My mom laughed when she saw the gift because she knows how romantic I am and how thoughtful I am. She said, "oh honey, your boyfriend just doesn't get it huh....I can't believe he would buy you that".. Let's just say it was worse than receiving a vacuum cleaner on your birthday. Maybe I should just get the hint that he was romantic with his ex but isn't with me, and probably won't be. That hurts, and maybe it's telling me something, that I am not as special....but then why would he still want to be with me?

Any thoughts on that?
I'm glad that you have thought about this and have raised your issues with his mom, and that you are comforted by her answers. Again, reading your second paragraph it could have been me writing those exact words, so I hope I can help.

I too am very close to my ex(of a week ago)'s mom, and when issues first came up with my bf being close and remaining friends with his ex, she also comforted me. She, along with everbody else close to him always said that "she means nothing to him anymore" and that that was the reason they split up. I too still believe this to a certain extent, as I know if he did have feelings for her, how easy it would have been for him to go back to her at any point. She also told me that his ex was a super-needy gf and that she was always craving attention and needing cheering up, and my bf always felt like he needed to give her the attention otherwise she would get worse, and him being the kind of guy he is, would never intentionally upset anyone. This [I]may[/I] be the case in your situation, with stress on the '[I]may[/I]'.

If so then you MUST be wary. Since i dumped him i have found out the numerous things that she has done and said to him in an effort to try and win him back over the past 16 months, and especially in the beginning. Some of them are completely and utterly desperate and selfish and she would [B]constantly[/B] tell him all the time that he wanted to be with her. On top of this, at the beginning, I was also querying if he wanted to be with her instead of me, so between us I think we really messed his head up. He says that he felt like he was the only one who knew the truth, that he wanted me. But with all the influencing and mind games she was playing it was hard. from reading the posts on these boards there are so many people that are desperate to get their ex back or who are jealous of their ex's new relationship and want to ruin it. Your bf's ex may be up to this so you need to be extra wary of her. If this is the case (i dont know how you can know) then you really need to try and cut the contact with her as needy ex's are trouble and even if he has no feelings for her now, she may be dragging things up from the past that will bring back memories and change the way he feels.

Please remember that this is only one option of what may be happening - probably the best one for you if it is the case, as you can do something about it - but chances are it might not be. Then you should still be seriously considering why he is talking to her over a priority of talking to you everyday.

As for the romantic thing, don't let that become another issue that gets in the way. People are who they are, if they're romantic it's great but if they're not it doesn't mean that they don't care for you in their own way. I would ignore the jewellery thing as it will just get in the way of the real issue you need to sort out so just concentrate on that. Be a bit of a detective if you have to! And yeh, i too am stumped as to what could be worse than a vacuum!





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