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Hi

I feel for you because I know how you feel exactly. I'm so glad you posted your thoughts and the advice has been great. I won't go into my current situation now but things I have learnt from what I encountered hopefully may help you.

I too was in a similar situation last year where my boyfriend and his ex were still in regular contact, and at first it did not bother me either. Like you, I didn't want to appear too paranoid or 'clingy' so when a situation did occur where I thought it seemed a bit odd to be talking at that time / that much, I tended to keep my thoughts swimming around my head rather than to question it. When I did question it I was told, of course, that they were just friends and that I shouldn't worry about it because they split up for a reason (because they became more like friends!) and so they had no desire to get back together.

A few months later I accidentally saw a text message from her saying that she still loved him and would do anything to get back with him but she at least needs him in her life as a friend. it turns out that all of her texts were along these lines. I questioned why he would carry on talking to her, as surely it was like leading her on? He said there and then if I wanted him to stop talking to her he would. But being a softie I too thought that I don't want him to stop being friends with her if he doesn't want to, and that I would never make him give up a friendship for me or give him an unecessary ultimatum. I've since realised thats the biggest mistake i've learned from - I wish Id have given an ultimatum. I know you don't want to come across as over-the-top or possessive but if somebody loves you then they should be completely willing to give up such a relationship for you if it is interferring with your own relationship. It is not unreasonable to ask for this. You wouldn't continue a relationship with an ex if you thought if might jeopordise what you have with your boyfriend - so if he feels the same he shouldn't either.

I am not saying that you should definately give an ultimatum, but just make sure that he knows that their constant need to talk to each other is making you doubt your relationship with him, and that he is hurting you by keeping you out of the picture. If he feels for you like you do for him he will back off a bit - or at least let you in on some of the conversations. If he does bring the ultimatum thing up - go with it! You're more important than anyone else in your relationship and you should come first. I would try to find out somehow what their conversations are along the lines of - if they are innocent he should have no problem letting you in on them.

If he refuses to stop the constant contact then I would seriously think about whether he feels the same for you as you do for him. If this is the case then can you live with that?

Have you thought about the possibility that they may have made a pact 3 years ago to meet up and get back together when she returned? She may still be up for this, not realising that he has now moved on and is not interested now, but he may still feel obliged to 'comfort' her by keeping in contact. I was gutted when I found out that my boyfriend had kept in contact when he knew that she would do anything to try to get him back, but him being him, he felt obliged to keep her happy as he wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone. As wrong and risky as this may seem - my own mom then reminded me that when I split up with my very first boyfriend of 2 years I still talked to him reglarly on the phone for at least 6 months afterwards - not because I still liked him, but because I felt obliged to because I knew that if I cut all contact he wouldn't deal with it and he even threatened me with doing something stupid.

My point is that this may be the reason why - it may be a one-sided desire to talk on her part, but he feels obliged to go along with it. But I would definately question their relationship because if this is not the case then there is definately something strange going on.

Hope you manage to sort things out :)
Hi,
Thanks pinkmonkey for your thoughts. But, whatever happend with your boyfriend and his ex? Do they still talk and are you 2 still together?

I always want to know what is said in their conversations bit it is like pulling teeth to get any info. out of him. I hate snooping, but that is how I finally learned that they were talking all the time....I looked through his phone and at when/how long the conversations were. I wanted to know, but as soon as I found out it made me mad/frustrated/sad.

He says everyday that he loves me so much and would never do anything to hurt me...and I even told him that cheating was an automatic breakup in my book no matter how much I loved the person. He told me he would never do anything like that...I believe him. I know cheating is not the case!! The only thing is that he talks to her all the time and now doens't tell me about it. What I don't understand is that he used to tell me he talked to her or he would talk to her in front of me, and that made me feel comfortable with their friendship...because I could hear the conversation. But now, it is all secretive....why??? It is like talking to a brick wall when I approach him and he always defends her and their friendship..."get over it" he says, and I always wind up crying either silently or out loud. Is that why he hides it, as to not upset me now because he knows how I feel.

PINKMONKEY....as for the ultimatum thing......the 2 of us went on a vacation this summer, just the two of us...and on the plane ride home she called and left a message asking him to attend her birthday celebration with her family....(just him along with her family)..I thought it was strange and I layed it on the line that nothing about that made me happy...I even started getting really pissed off at him and he finally said, "maybe I just shouldn't talk to her, is that what you want"...and I became a softy, like you too and said, no I would never ask you to give a friendship up for me....and I went on that she was in his life a lot longer...keep in mind we had only been dating about 3 months so I didn't want to seem like some overbearing, jealous girl who would come off as wanting to rule his life, it was too soon to express all my fears to him.
But now I wish I had said, "fine, don't talk to her because that would make me happy".. so now I have to deal with this and he always tells me that they are not that good of friends, that they catch up once in a while, etc.....but it is all lies because I have seen his phone.....ARRG.. why can't he just open up to me....and tell me the truth???
:confused:





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