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Hi Stormgirl,

I'm sure that he can love me again. He said that he loved me twice.. not just once.. first when we met.. then things went bad and he said he didn't love me anymore.. then he begged for me back.. and he loved me again.. and things went bad again.

We just got off the phone.. he didn't say "I want to break up". He did say things like "I probably want to break up", "things probably wont' work out" or "I DON'T KNOW if things are ever giong to improve", instead of "I know things are destined to faile". He also said he only really loved me before he knew me. I told him that I "break up with friends constantly", use people, am selfish, don't give to others and that I focus only on myself. But, I work part-time and have full-time school. If I don't only focus on myself now.. and focus on other people constantly.. I can only see failure for myself. I used to be very giving and attentive to other people but I just can't afford that luxury right now. He is right.. but he doesn't understand that it's temporary. I told him straight out that I do want to get married and that I want the same things he does and that I stopped talking to "Joe" because I dont' have the time to be friends with too many people if I want to still see my family and close friends.. it's not that I'm selfish and see no more"use" in being with him. He just picks on the smallest stupidest things about me. But, it's true.. I'm NOT a sweet nice girl like the other girls out there.. I'm very aggressive.. I do Karate and I punch walls at times out of aggression.. I do constanly put people down because I see faults in others more easily than positive things.

Now I'm wondering if I'm just letting him fool me into thinking I'm a bad person and he's totally destroying my self confidence or if these traits are genunely bad about me? I can't afford to be nice to everyone.. I have a real busy life. I think it's funny to (of course behind their back) to make fun of stupid small things abotu people. No one's perfect. But, I know what he wants.. the perfect sweet innocent girl.. he always says that that is what he wants and that I'm not it. I cannot be her. I'm very masculine (although very beautiful) and I'm feminine in the way that I wear make-up and love romance songs. But, I'm also very aggressive, competitive, critical and vengeful. I'm not the quiet girl who sits with her legs crossed sipping wine in the corner. I speak loudly and laugh at everything and I dance like CRAZY and I am very outgoing and blunt. I'm not what he wants.. or am I just trying to convince myself that this is our problem? Does the perfect girl like that really exist? I cannot be like that to attract a man.. I just can't be all girly and submissive. I have too much to talk about.. too many things to say that are not "politically correct" and it does make me hard to be around.. but I'm not that bad that I'm rude to people in their face. Why WHy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. This is the THIRD guy to break up with me bc of my personality. I bet you I am the problem.. why else would he break up with me so many times. I don't know if I need to mature and change.. or if I should just be happy with my "unique" personality.. but I don'ty want someone like me.. I want a nice shy quiet guy like my boyfriend. But, the type of man I want is attracted to me.. but then eventually sees the real me and gets turned off?? I have to change. I should send myself back for repairs lol. :jester: :confused:
[QUOTE=Alexandra789456] I told him that I "break up with friends constantly", use people, am selfish, don't give to others and that I focus only on myself. But, I work part-time and have full-time school. If I don't only focus on myself now.. and focus on other people constantly.. I can only see failure for myself. I used to be very giving and attentive to other people but I just can't afford that luxury right now. He is right.. but he doesn't understand that it's temporary. I told him straight out that I do want to get married and that I want the same things he does and that I stopped talking to "Joe" because I dont' have the time to be friends with too many people if I want to still see my family and close friends.. it's not that I'm selfish and see no more"use" in being with him. He just picks on the smallest stupidest things about me. But, it's true.. I'm NOT a sweet nice girl like the other girls out there.. I'm very aggressive.. I do Karate and I punch walls at times out of aggression.. I do constanly put people down because I see faults in others more easily than positive things.

Now I'm wondering if I'm just letting him fool me into thinking I'm a bad person and he's totally destroying my self confidence or if these traits are genunely bad about me? I can't afford to be nice to everyone.. I have a real busy life. I think it's funny to (of course behind their back) to make fun of stupid small things abotu people. No one's perfect. But, I know what he wants.. the perfect sweet innocent girl.. he always says that that is what he wants and that I'm not it. I cannot be her. I'm very masculine (although very beautiful) and I'm feminine in the way that I wear make-up and love romance songs. But, I'm also very aggressive, competitive, critical and vengeful. I'm not the quiet girl who sits with her legs crossed sipping wine in the corner. I speak loudly and laugh at everything and I dance like CRAZY and I am very outgoing and blunt. I'm not what he wants.. or am I just trying to convince myself that this is our problem? Does the perfect girl like that really exist? I cannot be like that to attract a man.. I just can't be all girly and submissive. I have too much to talk about.. too many things to say that are not "politically correct" and it does make me hard to be around.. but I'm not that bad that I'm rude to people in their face. Why WHy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. This is the THIRD guy to break up with me bc of my personality. I bet you I am the problem.. why else would he break up with me so many times. I don't know if I need to mature and change.. or if I should just be happy with my "unique" personality.. but I don'ty want someone like me.. I want a nice shy quiet guy like my boyfriend. But, the type of man I want is attracted to me.. but then eventually sees the real me and gets turned off?? I have to change. I should send myself back for repairs lol. :jester: :confused:[/QUOTE]

Hi Alex,

This is a very interesting and revealing post. It shocked me how much you sound like me in many ways. I am not girly at all either, very aggressive and quick to dislike people. I never wanted to be that girl who needed everyone to like her and always had to be nice to everyone. I just don't like and respect that many people, and I've never been willing to waste my time caring what anyone thought. I think way too many people, especially girls, let their desire to please others interfere with being themselves and living their lives exactly like they want to. In my opinion, none of the traits you describe are "bad" or anything, although it's best to limit being mean to someone's face. But you don't owe anyone anything--it's YOUR life and therefore your right to live it on your terms, to make your own rules and determine your own priorities. I really admire your determination not to give up on things easily, and I think your chances of succeeding will increase if you always remember to be true to yourself.

I was surprised that you said three guys had dumped you because of your personality. I have trouble seeing that, because guys have always loved this about me. I usually don't get along with girls because we have little in common and few similar interest, but I've always had great guy friends and many guys pursuing me (I think because they like my aggressiveness and very strong opinions, though I'm sure that wouldn't be enough if I was unattractive). Anyway, I don't think it's your personality that's the problem, instead, it sounds like you (at least in the case above) tend to describe yourself unflatteringly, emphasizing the less desirable aspects of your personality, and don't give yourself enough credit for your good qualities when talking about yourself. I also think part of the problem is when you subvert your true personality by occasionally acting like a "sappy boring obsessive girl." It doesn't sound like the real you to say things like "I'll cancel the date and be pathetic for you"--remember, you want to present yourself in the most appealing possible way to get him interested again. What I'm getting at is I think you have the wrong idea of what he wants--don't try to act more nice and sweet than you really are, because he liked your true personality initially.

Every guy has different preferences, but if he's drawn to you, he probably doesn't want a girly, demure girl, and anyway, that would be pretending to be something you're not, which is never attractive. Instead, why not be the best possible you--focusing on the good rather than saying anything negative about yourself. I don't think that too many guys (no guy I'd want, anyway!) thinks "the perfect girl" is submissive and sappy sweet. Girls with strong personalities are much more interesting and fun--I totally disagree with the part in your post where you say your personality is the problem. Like Stormgirl said, you are who you are, and just because you've had past relationships fail doesn't mean it's because of your personality. Everyone has failed relationships--it's much more likely that you just haven't come across the right match for you yet. Don't think you have to change just because you've been dumped in the past--that's being ridiculously hard on yourself. Being fake is the biggest turn off ever--don't do it!! Just try to be the best possible version of your true self.

Also, you do not have to end up with a guy just like you...most relationships are better when each partner compliments--not mirrors--the other. No one wants someone just like them; it's better to find someone who balances you out, someone whose weaknesses are your strengths and vice versa. Don't despair...I love nice, quiet, shy, smart guys too, and they've been consistently drawn to my aggressive personality. In fact, I met the guy of my dreams one night when I was totally devestated because my football team lost in the playoffs (I'm an obsessed football fanatic). I got really wasted and out of control, arguing with everyone and being quite obnoxious. He still fell in love with me that night, and every day since we've fallen in love a little more :) . Don't change who you are, or some guy who's dream girl is just like you might not realize it!
[QUOTE=Alexandra789456]Hi,

I'm 27, my ld boyfriend is 29 and we have been in a long distance relationship for over 3 years. There are 3 issues that I'm concerned about:

1- How often to visit?
Our schedules are busy.. but he isn't poor.. and he has his weekends free. I asked him to fly to see me every 3rd or 4th weekend.. and he said that it's not worth it just for a weekend and that it has to be for at least 4 days. But, I know people who are in the exact same situation who see each other on the weekends despite the short time as seeing each other, even if just for a day, is worth it. So.... we see each other every FOUR MONTHS!!!

2- So.. we see each other so sparsely.. and yet we don't even make up for it on the phone. He literally wants to talk on the phone for 10 mins a day. And, it's always me initiating the topics. Otherwise, he's silent. He never says I miss you, I love you, I can't wait to see you...

3- PRESENTS. Yes, he pays for every single restaurant, hotel, activity we do.. but come Valentine's day or Xmas or even my bday.. not one card or present!! In the 1st year he'd give me presents but then once he started to pay for everything he stopped giving me presents. I guess he thinks that he pays for so much already it is a present in a way.. but he could afford the extra $50 for a small something for me?!?!

We were in love during the first year.. but it all went downhill after a huge fight although we stayed together.. he said at that point that he didn't love me. I've been trying to get him to love me but he just can't .. and it's getting worse and worse and worse.. are these 3 things bad signs and should I just expect the worst? And, if I were crazy enough to try to make it work.. should I just put up with these things indefinitely? Or, should I try somehow to get through to him that it's wrong. I tried to break up with him.. but he called me on my bluff.. so I don't think that's a good way to get through to him.

HELP!!!!!! I'm losing him :(
Thanks :p[/QUOTE]

OMGOSH! Your situation sounds to much like my ex. It hurt so bad that he wouldn't come see me. I usually ran, spent, and sacrificed and went to see him on my own. When we were together there was no continuous quality time. It gradually became time where it was us and his friends. I wanted to do stuff just him and I, he had the balls to say it isn't as fun that way. :eek: HE hated the phone. Most of the time he wasn't listening when I was talking on the phone to him. It hurts so bad. He wouldn't talk or he wouldn't share at all. Towards the end, he gave me looks or ask if i would pay for mine before we went somewhere. He became controlling. He could go anywhere he pleased. I had to stay home. A voice in the background became a huge deal ?was that a guy? who was that? He stopped saying he missed me. He said we should stop holding hands cause it was to immmature after we had been doing it for 3 yrs. I was liek huh???:confused: He stopped making me feel beautiful. He stopped being involved and interested in my life. He starting being an a$$. Losing him was the best THING EVER! An incredible guy dropped in my life in the nick of time before I lost my complete indentify and self-respect. Oh and the presents thing. He ended up handing me gifts in the store bag unwrapped with price tag still on it and said, "this is your bday and Vday present all in one" :rolleyes: I missed out on so many life opporunities. I didn't go to parties, outings with friends, didn't do all i wanted while i went on a trip overseas, missed concerts, abandoned family and friends. Wasted 5 years of my life. 4 that were long distance. Turned out he cheated and went to clubs and flirted like crazy. He was still in love with his ex. He works on airplanes and make great money, but nothing like money can compare to the huge heart i have now in my bf. Girl I know, let him go! :nono:





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