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[QUOTE=reddoorblack]I was thinking about you post that you wondered if he thought or cared about you at all. I also think the same thing. A friend told me the following. Don't know if it's true but sometimes it helps me to think of it in this way.

Also, don't assume he does not care about you any longer. He does. He's most likely not showing it because he doesn't want to give you the wrong idea. Please assume you are important to him, and that he still cares about you. Just not in the way you'd hoped.[/QUOTE]

Well, the bottom line is, it doesn't really matter how much he still thinks of me or cares for me. I still wasn't good enough for him to treat with just a little bit of honesty and dignity. As far as all the moving on and self worth stuff, like I've said before, I have no idea what that even means. I actually had a lot of self worth when I was a kid. I thought I really had something to offer the world. But years of getting beaten up, being told to shut up or being ridiculed or whatever sort of wore all that away. There's only so much of that a person can withstand before it starts to take its toll. Sometimes you don't even realize it's taking its toll. I'm at a point now where I think it's kind of stupid to work on my "self worth" whatever that means, when I'm the only person in the world who thinks I'm anything special. What's the point? If I lived on a desert island, then yeah, I could see working on my confidence and self worth or whatever, but how can I love myself when no one else does, or ever has? Only one man in the whole wide world, in 40 years of life, all the years of going to school with boys, and college with men, and working with them and going to clubs and meeting them, only one in the whole world even tried to love me, and found me so unloveable and undesireable I was the only woman he ever knew that he felt deserved to be verbally abused, lied to, used and thrown away like a piece of garbage. I guess you could say he was sort of my last straw. All the stuff I'm going through now, it's not all his fault, he was just the last straw. But how do you even begin to develop "self worth" when ever since I was a kid, the whole world has been telling me they would be so much happier if I would just go away? How can you feel good about yourself when you're not even sure you're supposed to be here on this planet? And as far as moving on, move on to what? I have no present, just an empty apartment and dinner in front of the tv and to bed alone, that's hardly anything to get excited about. I tried for years to get involved and to "move on" and get a life, volunteering, playing in clubs, trying to meet people, and I failed. And the future is soemthing I can't even force myself to believe in anymore. There's absolutely no reason to believe tomorrow is going to be any less worthless than today was, so how do you move on when the past is all you have? Memories of one tiny brief moment in my life when just for a second, it looked like someone else on this planet actually cared I was alive, and actually wanted to talk to me, hold my hand, kiss me, spend time with me. I'd love to take a chance on love again. I'm not afraid to try to love again. Show me a decent, mentally stable, sane man who isn't a total freak or a jerk who actually wants to love me and I'll jump to it. I do think that after much consideration, everyone's "self worth" is intrinsically connected to having someone who loves them, totally and unconditionally, whether it be a parent, guardian, friend, child, or spouse or whatever. Every single person in the world who has high self esteem had someone in their life who helped them think highly of themself by thinking highly of them. I really think we need each other much more than most people are comfortable admitting. I do have days that my wit comes out a little better than other days, but I just feel like I'm stuck in the muck so deep now, I simply can't get out by myself. I NEED for someone to show me I'm worth loving before I can love myself again. And you guys are telling me I have to love myself before anyone else can. So I guess that doesn't leave me in a very good place.

I actually have started a bit of a diet, well, just cutting out all the junk and sugar and fat and stuff, and stepping up my exercise, and have lost a few pounds in the past week, so maybe that's a start. We'll see if I can keep it up or if it makes any kind of a difference in the real quality of my life or not.





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