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I fess up.
Jan 12, 2005
Okay, for all of you who know my story, well I fess up. After 6 weeks with absolutely no contact with my ex I decided yesterday to call him. Of course he didn't answer so I left a message. And of course he didn't call back. :rolleyes:

I thought that maybe at the time (months ago) he didn't want to talk to me because emotions were high and I was obviously upset and I knew that even if we did talk the conversation would have taken a bad turn at some point. But now after some time I am able to seperate the relationship I had with him and the fact that hes another human being who I spent over 2 years with day in day out. So I thought I'd give it a try. I don't want to be good friends or even talk more than once/twice a year, but whats wrong with a "hey how are you?"..."hows your family?"...something, anything would be nice. In 10 years of dating I have never been disrespected so much. Even guys I dated for a month still spoke to me. I never did anything bad to him, trust me I wracked my brain last night trying to figure out just why on earth would someone act like this? How on earth could someone be THIS cold for no reason? How did I let myself fall in love with someone who is beyond even caring for someone?

Okay, the relationship didn't work. I've got that. I understand that. I've prayed and soul searched and KNOW that we just weren't meant to be. In fact, it was a blessing and I knew this from the first day of the break up. I knew that us breaking up was the best thing because we came to a crossroad in the relationship and something had to change so it did. I don't even hate him for leaving me because how can you hate someone because they had a change of heart? At least he didn't drag this on for another 2 years or into a marriage with me. So I have forgiven him for that. I do hate him for not even caring if I exist on this earth. Even if he has a girlfriend, good, hope hes happy, really. I don't want anyone to be with someone they just aren't happy with, and if he found that somewhere else then I do wish him the best. Hell, I have been enjoying my single life and finding qualities in men that he didn't have.

I just don't understand why he won't even speak to me? A 10 minute conversation, anything, something. I deserve that and some. Why does he treat me like I did something awful to him? If anyone has a right to ignore someone it is me. I'm so much better than that. I hate to let one guy change my perspective on love. Like I posted earlier; I have NEVER dated someone, guys even for a few weeks, guys who didn't care for me like he did, that would EVER do this. And this was over 2 years. My mom says I should learn from this and be able to "spot" another guy like my ex early on. Really? So when a guy takes you looking at rings and talks about buying a house I'm supposed to run now? Run for the freaking hills because within a matter of time he'll just leave. Not just leave me, abandon me. Never speak to me again. Like I was nothing to him. NOTHING.

I really am sad for him. I never knew another human could be so cold hearted. I don't want him back. I don't want to even talk about the relationship. I just missed him, my friend. Is that so bad? I wanted to hear about his job. His family. What hes been doing. I wanted to tell him about my life. About how much God has came into my life. Life is too short. What if I died tomorrow? What if he died tomorrow? And we can't even have one mature conversation? We have to act like we never met. Like we don't exist to one another? Hes a teacher, how on earth can someone that goes into the teaching field be so uncaring?

I don't want to hold anger as I know that only hurts me. But how do I not feel angry about this? How do I just accept that never, ever will I see or speak to him again? For the rest of my life...I'll never have the answers. I have accepted that I may never know what happened to the relationship...but my God how did I let someone like him into my life? Someone who I'm dead to. Someone who has completely made me re-think ever trusting to love again. Just because a relationship does not last, does not mean you never speak again. I just don't understand how he can walk around on this earth and not be ate up with guilt for doing me like this? You just don't date someone that long, that serious, and never talk again. This is absolute crap. Oh, I am so angry and hurt. I guess I have no other option but to make him dead to me too.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope you all aren't disappointed in me calling him. I just thought that over time now we could be adults and acknowledge one another every once in a while. I must have been nothing to him...and thats hard to swallow. So from this day forward he has forced me to make him nothing to me. Hes now officially dead to me. The end.





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