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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

Re: Rejection
Jan 18, 2005
Hi Elated and RedDoorBLack,
I am crying reading your posts too. It is comforting, however, to know that I am not alone in this. My doctor put me on remeron the other day to help me, but I only took it for three nights to help me sleep. I decided I don't want to take a chance with my health even if this does hurt like hell. You guys are further ahead of me, I have only been apart from my bf (I don't think of him as my ex) for going on two weeks. His parents and I talk a lot, and sometimes they tell me they think he misses me already and that gives me hope, and other times they say things like "we will still be at your graduation" etc. which make me feel awful. My birthday is coming up next week, and there is a huge part of me that is sure he will still come and see me, even though I haven't had any contact with him at all. I don't know if this is wrong or not, but I am planning on calling him before then to ask him if he will sit down and talk with me for a couple of hours on my birthday, just to talk about some stuff. About a month ago, he wanted to take a break and he said that he thought we needed some time apart to realize how much we both meant to each other but that he couldn't imagine not being with me. Because we broke up after a big fight and he was really upset with me (and me with him), I am hoping that some time and space apart will have helped him realize how much I mean to him too. I know it is not the same though when you know that you can just walk back to that person at anytime. Right before our fight, I had made him a cake and given him a card for his birthday, made sure he made his wish etc and I am hoping he will remember that and at least tolerate me for a couple of hours on mine. I know this time apart has made me realize how much I miss him, even for all of his faults and frusturating behaviour. I started counselling and even did an anger management course so I don't get so mad at him again, anything I could do to show him that I want to make a positive change. I know he has to change too, if things are to ever work out, and I am really hoping he will. He has a lot of stress in his life right now, and I am afraid he has just decided to cut me out, but I also know that there is a part of him that loves me a lot. So right now I am kind of scared more than anything, waiting to see what will happen. I don't know how I will handle it if he says it really is over. I am so scared I will just fall to pieces. The idea of never holding him or talking to him again kills me. Also, I am moving to another country in three months and I can't bear the thought of leaving things this way.
Re: Rejection
Jan 26, 2005
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Hi, Lisa :wave:

So many of the stories on this board involve people who remain for years in relationships that everyone else recognizes as broken. They break because one or both partners canít or wonít adjust to the other's needs. I firmly believe that a partner canít change their SO significantly through love or any other means. People gravitate to being what they want to be, not what their partner wants them to be. As I see it, we must select a partner we can accept as they are and vice versa. After 30+ years of marriage, the only change Iíve made for my wife is that I put the toilet seat lid down when I finish. She can accept that. ;)

Personally, I experienced dating from the opposite extreme of most here. Instead of spending several years in a relationship before moving on to another, I dated lots of girls. Typically, weíd date only once or twice because I couldnít find a girl who felt right for me. After a while, I really didnít believe there was someone out there for me. That change in attitude made me accept that I could be alone for life and that I better become comfortable with being independent. At that point, I began developing self-esteem and got used to the idea that I didnít need a relationship to be happy. Others sensed that change, too. I think that when someone develops that attitude, the old saying ďyou meet the right person when you least expect itĒ comes into play. At least, it did for me. Within months, I found Miss Right. After the first date, I was excited but skeptical. Things got better with each date. Within four months, I knew I wanted to marry her. When we met each otherís families and everyone liked each other, it was the icing on the wedding cake. :)

I believe it is better to be very picky before entering a relationship rather than expecting to be very tolerant. Yes, we all have issues because no one is perfect. Since we canít really change a partner, we will have to live with those issues and become comfortable with them... or move on.

Will this philosophy work for everyone? No, nothing works for everyone but it worked for a lot of people I know. Ultimately, we all must find what suits our personality. Based on what EG has written, I think it will work for her.[/QUOTE]

Elated, I'm so happy to hear how much progress you're making and more impressed every day by your strength and resiliance. I hope things continue to look up for you, job wise and personally, and that you soon feel consistent peace and contentment. I also hope it's okay to use your thread to chime in and second Heartland's recent comments, because I really couldn't agree more, and I think his points are very important and relevant to this thread (and this board in general).

I know it's a bit cliched to say that you should love yourself before you can have a healthy, lasting relationship, and that it's often been noted here in the past. But I do think it's critical that you are at least comfortable with who you are--that you come to terms with and accept yourself for who you are-- before you can be a good partner to anyone else. In response to Lisa's question, I do believe that it is possible to form a relationship in which neither partner is held back by issues, but only if each person feels secure in their skin and is okay with being alone. You really shouldn't need the other person to help you grow into yourself or face reality--as Heartland said earlier, such relationships are almost always too fragile to survive all the obstacles we face during the course of our lives. The best relationships start when both people come into the partnership feeling content with themselves because, as Heartland said, you really can't change anyone nor provide them with confidence, happiness, or security when they don't feel this way on their own.

Maybe I see things so similarly to Heartland because our dating experiences were so similar. Like him, I found my life partner at a time when I had just emerged from feeling kind of lost, just bouncing from guy to guy. I had only very recently realized that that I actually liked being independent, that I was fine on my own, and that I really liked who I was, regardless of who I was dating. Shortly before this (after a series of long-term, stable, relatively healthy relationships that I left behind because I didn't see a future in any of them), I had started dating a guy who I valued very much as a friend and companion, but for whom I didn't have romantic or passionate feelings. This was the last straw for me in that I started looking hard at myself and not liking what I saw--I had never wanted to be that girl who would settle for a tepid relationship just to avoid being single! That was exactly what I had always vowed not to become. I grew more and more unhappy and frustrated with myself for being in that sham of a relationship and being unfair to this guy, but it had been a very long time since I'd been on my own and I wasn't quite ready to face it. I finally broke it off with my mostly platonic BF in the middle of a destructive period of drifting around, partying too much, having too many flings, and feeling pretty disgusted with myself.

After I became single again, I was still pretty down on myself but also felt relieved that I was on my own and starting to become a stronger, more independent person. At that point I came to the exact same conclusion as Heartland--I was going to take my time, enjoy being on my own, and be EXTREMELY picky before getting involved with another guy. I didn't want to have another relationship in the foreseeable future unless it was with an absolutely perfect man. This was the first time that I had ever been mature and independent enough to be ready and receptive to finding the love of my life, and ironically, just like the cliche says, that was exactly when I found him. Our roommates were dating, and I was going over to my guy's apartment to meet him and my roommate's new BF--he leaned over their balcony to smile and say hi, and I just knew that I loved him and always would. He really did come along at the exact point that I had stopped looking, just when I had realized I was okay on my own.

We couldn't stop talking and touching the whole night, and told each other soon after that we had both known then that we would spend our lives together. Within two weeks we were living together and completely inseperable, head over heels in love. It's coming up on three years and we fall in love more and more passionately every day--neither of has ever had any doubt that we're soulmates and meant to spend our lives together. Every day I feel amazingly blessed and thankful that we were both contently independent when we met, because that gave us a foundation that allowed us to withstand numerous challenging obstacles, each of which strengthened our bond and brought us closer.

Everyone we know marvels that we've made it through all this closer than ever, but until now I've kept it to myself that I know I wouldn't have been mature enough to make it work if we'd met a month earlier. I'm not religious, but I do think the universe brings people together when the time is right and doesn't burden people with more than they can handle. That's out of our control--all we can do is try to find the inner peace and strength so that we can be equipped to make the relationship last a lifetime when we do find our ideal partner. Sorry for such a long post, but I just wanted to reiterate that what Heartland said is not only possible, but true. While it may not happen for everyone, I hope the right person comes along soon for all the wonderful posters here who are ready to settle down--I don't know anyone who deserves a happy partnership more than you guys!
Best wishes,

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