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I had such a bad night last night. I let something a guy friend said get to me really bad and just ended up crying all night long with a bottle of whiskey. Then of course I was stupid and talked to my ex he had called me earlier in the day to ask me to pay his car payment online for him and was calling me at night to see if I did it and I just broke down and ended up hanging up on him so he kept calling me back because he said he didn't want to hang up with me when I was crying.. That's nice he's feeling pity for me Yeah that's exactly what a girl needs is her ex feeling sorry for her. I told him forget it I'm fine I know your on your way out (to hang out with skanky ***** and her BF) I didn't say that though. And so he let me go and for the first time since I left the apt he didn't call me in the morning. I told him last night that it was nice seeing him the other night and that is why I was upset because those damn feelings are still there and I said that I could tell by your eyes and the way you were looking at me that you're still in a lot of pain too and he said Yeah I am but it's going to get easier, I said yeah that's what I keep hearing and he said me too I don't know if I believe it yet but I know I have to. I get the feeling when I talk to him that he's holding something back but I haven't a clue as to what it is. His mom think's he's regretting this but me being ever jaded now I think maybe its guilt he's holding on to and whether its because of me or her I'm not sure. I don't know, I hate not knowing what the real truth is and it's hard to except that I might not ever know. Maybe he is telling the truth and I can't accept it? He's told me that he keeps going out so that he can keep his mind off of things and not miss me so much. Don't you think that's running away? I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me and taking this time to think things through and clear my head so that I can wrap everything up internally and put it away but he keeps avoiding it by going out. I know maybe that's what's right for him and I shouldn't be worried about that but I still am. It makes me nuts knowing that he's still going to see her and her BF all the time because they're the only people he hangs out with on a normal basis. He tells me that he has a lot of confusion and things to think about? What could he be thinking about? Then when I was with him the other night after he pulls me onto his lap he tells me he's sorry? I said what are you sorry about? He said that things turned out this way and I said I'm sorry too this wasn't part of my plans I thought we were going to be married etc. etc. He said it wasn't part of his plans either.. I know we both had some intense feelings going through us I could see it, feel it and I could tell by the way he was looking at me, people don't look at each other that way unless there is something there still. So what is he so beat up over? Don't guys usually bounce out of this funk easier? I could tell by the way he was talking to me that he was being careful of what he says I know he's trying to not lead me in the wrong direction. I can tell he's trying hard to not mess with my head but its messed already. So I'm majorly confused one minute i do feel he's regretting this but then the next he's talking about not wanting a relationship and he's a single guy Blah Blah Blah. Then why get all affectionate with me when I'm around? Sex came up and I know we both wanted it but I know better than to go down that road, I don't want to be treated like a used pair of shoe's that only comes out when the other pair has dog crap on them.
Oh and to show how stupid [U]some[/U] men are and particularly this one he bought me a $200 gift certificate for Victorias Secret (underwear and lingerie) for Christmas when he knew damn well where this was going he said he got it for me because he knows I need that stuff? What the hell? Common sense has left the building you don't buy your girlfriend who your going to break up with underwear.Geez
Is this normal what I'm doing? I go from being o.k one minute to feeling like an after school special gone wrong the next. I feel like I should come with a warning label? like when I do meet someone I should run down all my bad attributes right away and have them sign and date it saying yes you warned me about all this.
Anyways it's nice to vent. I'm sorry I asked a million questions in this post I don't know how anyone could answer them all I guess I put it out there just so its off my chest. I'm at least 10lbs lighter now.Thanks-Jamie

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