It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

For those who donít know my situation, I just broke up with my BF/Fiance of 7.5 years and the most upsetting thing has happened. First let me say this might be hard to read Iím hyper emotional still and have a lot to say. I was looking at pictures of our vacation and friends on our computer and I happened to stumble across pictures of this girl who I absolutely hate, she is my BFís best friendís GF of 6 years. Well it turns out that my BF and her have been spending a lot of time talking to each other over the past few weeks about problems in our relationships and sheís always flirted with him he was pretty oblivious to it in the beginning only admitting to me once years ago that ďO.k I guess she does flirt a little but who cares, I donítĒ meaning that he could care less about her flirting. Well I have always been insecure about her acting that way towards him but I never confronted her because for two years the four of us lived together. Recently though I have found out that theyíve been talking a lot about us and before X-Mas they wenít shopping so he could help her get a poker table for her BF he blew me off to go with her we had plans to do our own shopping and then he calls me at the last minute and says she needs his help with the table but keep in mind that he blew me off one other time a few days prior to this but that time he didnít tell me he was going with her because I would have been upset he says. That alone ticked me off she didnít need him to help sheís just digging her claws into him because she knew we were having trouble and it was her way of getting in closer and closer. Heís too stupid to see what a vulture she is and that sheís manipulating him and I told him so. Well it was my last night in our apartment when I stumbled across these pictures of her sitting on my couch, I looked at the day and time they were taken and they were taken a week ago when he had the day off from work. I called him on his cell phone pretending to call about something innocent and then I said ď So does he (her BF) know she was over here on Monday?Ē He said what do you mean I said I saw the pictures on the f------ computer she was here on Monday when you had the day off, why the hell was she in here? He just started saying Jamie, Jamie its not what you think, I said yeah then why was she here, he said how about to talk about whatís going on with us, I have no one to talk to sheís the only one I can talk to about feelings I canít talk to my guy friends about that. I said you should have been talking to me. Was it just a coincidence that you both had the day off? He sayís that it is a coincidence and he took the day off to sign the new lease and she happened to have the day off too and he only knew she did because the night before he was over hanging out with her and her BF and she said she wasnít working Monday. He said why would I put those pictures on the computer if I were trying to hide something? I exploded I threw the phone and started smashing it on the floor screaming how could you do this to me you M----- F-----! And by then the phone was broke so he kept trying to call me back and I finally answered and he kept trying to explain but I wouldnít let him, Then all of a sudden he comes in the front door, he was 30 miles away or so he just left everything of his over where he was playing poker I guess I scared the crap out of him because Iíve never exploded like that before. He comes home and tells me that he was the one to call her and that he had her come over to talk for a while about us and then ended up taking her picture with his cell phone I said you shouldnít be taking her picture and he said well I have pictures of guys at work on here too but you wouldnít make a big deal out of that and I said yes because they arenít other women. He said he came home tonight because he was scared of what I was going to do and he wanted to be able to look me in the eye and tell me that there wasnít anything going on with them and there never has been they are only friends. He said heís getting real tired of being accused of something that isnít true. He said she was only over for about an hour like that was supposed to make me feel better. Now I will tell you that he is definitely not the kind of guy to go after some strange girl on the street heís never looked twice, heís always been really into me and Iíve had guy friends of his and ours even say so. Every time I would go out of town he would just mope around and look sad I was told. I know heís had opportunities and I never worried about that kind of thing I just worried about her spending time with him and him ending up liking her as much as she likes him. He told me that I should have been able to trust him no matter what even if the two of them were laying on the couch naked I should have trusted him. I do actually believe that nothing physical has ever happened but itís the mental part I canít get past. Trust and loyalty are two of his biggest attributes and itís hard to envision him putting those values into jeopardy but you never know. He still says he doesnít know if he has feelingís for her other than being friends, he said he never put any thought into it until I kept bringing it up to him and other people have asked him about it as well, He admits that they have an unusually close friendship but thatís all it is. He said they can talk to each other easily and sheís having issues in her relationship similar to ours and thatís what they talk about, her BF treats her like crap. I try to keep in mind that beforeĒusĒ he did have a bunch of friends that were girls and nothing more. I keep telling him that I canít believe that you donít know how you feel about someone and he keepís insisting that he heís confused because he never thought about it until people started mentioning it to him and that there is a lot going on now and he needs to figure things out. I think itís a cop out myself but he swears up and down that heís telling the truth. He said that right now sheís still in a relationship but said that if things were different who knows what could happen ďI just donít knowĒ is what he said. He said that he would never get involved with someone in a relationship and would never get involved with someone willing to drop a relationship for him. Sheís his best friends girlfriend, which is another reason he said he couldnít and wouldnít get involved with her right now. Iíve never had a reason to not trust him not ever, but now I know that anything is possible. I know our relationship ended because of us, we have drifted apart from each other its hard to admit that but I know its true still I canít get past my insecurity about her. He said the last time I went out of town in the beginning of Dec he started to imagine what it would be like to be alone and was re-evaluating our relationship. With many of our friendís relationships ending right now he said he couldnít help but to look at his own.
So then he helped me move the heavy stuff out on Sunday and anytime we were alone we would just stare at each other or he would grab me and hug me, the very last night we spent in our bed together he held my hand and had another on the dog. The goodbye was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, neither one of us wanted to let go of the other, he kept drying my tears with his sleeves. It was very hard for him to say goodbye to my Dad my Dad is the closest thing he has ever had to one, when my dad left the room he lost it and started crying. Heís a tough guy and to see him cry makes this even harder. So heís called me like 8 times since Sunday and its only Tuesday Heís been calling me at night to say goodnight and we do the same good night routine weíve been doing for years. He even called yesterday morning and this morning to see if I was o.k. and to make sure I made it to work all right today. He said that he hasnít cried since he was a little boy and that Iím the only one who has ever made him cry and Iíve seen him do quite a bit lately, I was very surprised because he has a way of shutting things off. He looks like crap heís not eating or sleeping the bags under his eyes are awful so I do know heís in a lot of pain too (GOOD!). I know its best for him to not call me anymore and Iím sure that will end soon but I donít want it to. He keeps saying that itís so quiet and so strange not having me and the dog around. I keep hoping that in time heíll come around and want me back once he seeís what its like without me but I know I have to let that go so I donít prolong the agony Iím already living with. Heís already said that he doesnít want to get back together again because its not going to work and that it will be just that much harder on us and the dog. When he called me last night he was doing dishes for the first time ever and honestly that kind of hurt because in a way thatís him starting to move on. I was doing o.k. Until this morning when I came to work then it all came flooding back to me. He still wants to be friends because he says Iím the best one heís ever had but I hurt so much. It will be hard to let someone go after all this time, especially when you still love one another.
Pcantona- Iím sorry I got angry Iím just not coping too well today. We broke up on 1/5/05 and I just moved out this weekend Iím still very raw. We were under the same roof for a while during our breakup that wasnít easy either sleeping in the same bed we even went grocery shopping. I think your right he considered us over but he never found the courage to tell me. I told him a month ago that I needed to know what he wanted to do break up or work on it and all I got was I donít know I donít know. Finally I pulled it out of him after a month of torture. This is why I was getting so nuts when he was with her and that he was lying to me about it. I mentioned to you that I was suspicious of her and there are a million reasons from all the years we were together to make me suspicious any girl would have felt the same, I have told a few others of some of what sheís done and they all agree sheís after him. I also mentioned that she bounces from guy to guy thatís because sheís on her own no family to take her in she needs to worry about her well being and I think my Ex would be that soft place for her to fall and live. We have pictures of all our friends but none of her alone with him in my apartment while I still lived there. Youíve got to understand that I came back from a business trip and he was different and cold he wouldnít tell me what was up then he goes out with her shopping and then to dinner with her. I didnít know what to think because Iíve always trusted him and now the fact that her BF doesnít know about all this I think is for a good reason, My Ex sayís itís so he doesnít get suspicious, why would he if they were friends? You know my Ex actually called me on Friday right after he left to play poker and asked me if Iíve mentioned any of this to her BF and I said no he said good we donít need him involved too, I said the only reason I havenít said anything to him is in the off chance that Iím misinterpreting this whole thing. He accused me of snooping when I found the pic than later said he wouldnít have put in there if he was hiding something? Yet all the other pics on his phone arenít in there, just that one? I understand we are done and I told him that if he does have feelings for her that he should just tell me now instead of leaving me wondering, yes it will hurt but I feel that I need to know. I donít think he cheated heís not that type of guy really he isnít but I've lost faith for the time being.. We didnt want to let each other go we just kept looking at each other and hugging and even 3 last little kisses. I miss him even though he keeps calling. I don't know how to get through this I have no friends. : (
I agree some women are manipulative and this one is by far the worst I've encountered. He asked me ithis morning if he should stop calling me and I said no. I was telling him that I'm doing fine I'm still hurting and I don't bounce back that quickly and he said that he hasn't either and that its still fresh for him, I've only been away from him for three days so far. I still have to get pictures and a few little things back from him before I can cut him off. I still have the cell phone that he's paying for I have to give that back once I have my own. Basically I can't cut him off yet and Yes I still don't want to even though I know its best. I think part of why he calls is because I was pretty crazed for a while and he may be worried that I would do something to myself which I WOULD NEVER DO. I just wish I could get some answers even though I am thinking the worst and think he's going to say that he likes her. I told him I want to know the truth and to not worry about hurting me I just need to know and he says that it seems like that's what I want to hear that he does like her. Of course that's the last thing I want to hear but if its the truth then so be it. Really though this guy is a tough one I've seen him go through a lot and he's never cried I truly believe that his tears were real. I am stuck on the coincedence theory too, I think its awfully coincedental that this was all happening at the same time and he just says that it is a coincedence and that when I was gone for business he started to think about us and what it would be like to be alone and then he started to talk to her about it. I really think she dug her claws into him during this time when he was confused about us and pulled him her way. He says that he didn't know for sure what he wanted to do about us until the very last minute I was pushing him for an answer. I couldn't keep living the way I was not knowing one day from the next what was going to happen, plus we only had a couple of days to figure out what to do about the lease renewal. Again this all seems to be pretty coincidental. Do you think I should address this with him or just let it be for now? I know what I want to do and that is ask him but I'm pretty high strung and impatient right now so of course that's what I want. I've tried to talk about the relationship that he has with her but I get pretty defensive thats something I have to work on but its because of the way SHE has acted all these years I just cant stand it. I know he has no interest in ever getting back together with me and I just have to accept it. It feels like time is standing still and the healing won't come. I know its only been a few days but I can't focus or think about anything else but him. I keep thinking that this isn't real and I'll wake up from this nightmare. I can't even listen to the radio its way too sad.
Jedoz, do not use the pictures or the cell phone as an excuse to keep him in your life.

Do not let him put the break up on did'nt know what to do about breaking up until you pushed for an answer the final time. You had a gut instinct that things were wrong, you deserved an answer---which, you have still not gotten. You may have to accept that you will never get it. Don't let the final answer keep you from moving on. In your heart, you know that this is about the girl, so let it go.

In fact, all the better if she and he get together at this point....if he is as emotionally impressionable as your posts seem to indicate...THIS would be the WORST possible time for them to get together. My ex got involved with another woman before he was totally over me and their relationship did'nt get off to a good start....her negatives were much more obvious in light of his guilt over me. They did'nt last. She may not get what she thinks she's going to get.

The best thing you could do to his big ego--and for yourself--is to give him that cell phone back. You are both using it as a crutch...he is calling you because he is feeling guilty, and you keep taking the calls, because you want him to feel guilty and you do not want to let him go just yet. Giving him the phone back shows your independence. As long as he is paying that bill, he still has the upperhand.

Besides, why would you want his pity--you want his honesty. If some guy said to me "I was afraid you would hurt yourself", I'd be insulted and say don't flatter yourself. Again, this calling you night and day is about HIS guilt. Notice how everyone keeps using the word guilt....a person does'nt have it unless they've DONE something to feel guilty ABOUT. Now he wants to make sure you are not going to drive off into a snow bank in your state because he does'nt want to be responsible for THAT. That's all these phonecalls are about, nothing more.

[B][B]If he is not calling because he wants to patch this relationship up[/B], [/B] [B]you have no reason to speak with him. [/B] Why would you still be giving him the satisfaction of talking to him while he invites a girl over to sit on his couch to talk and take pictures of her? Does that put it in perspective? Give him what he says he's "not sure he wants"--(this girl)---give them plenty of space and rope and they'll both hang themselves.
Worrygirl...You offer great advice here and I hope Jedoz reads your post over at least 2 more times to see exactly what you are saying. It does make alot of sense, however, I think almost 8 years with someone is time enough to decide whether or not a relationship is marriage material. And when & if that time comes that he finally sees the is Jedoz going to feel in regards to picking up their relationship after being placed on the back burner??? I would advise her not to reside with the guy until a marriage proposal is made at the very least.....yes Jedoz, you need to take control of your life and allow him to take control of his. And don't lose any more sleep over this...he wanted it this way so go about life as best you can...keep your chin up and let him be the man and come crawling back to you and if he doesn't then clearly he just wasn't the man for you. Worrygirl is right....he is wrong to take advantage of your emotions by calling you....get rid of the phone and any connections to him. Let him learn to take care of himself so that when the time comes he can take care of you in the way you deserve to be taken care of. You're calling the shots now...have him pick up that phone ASAP and until he does don't answer it when he calls....let him see what it really is like not having you around each day to check in with etc. And remember....this is the way HE wanted LET HIM HAVE IT!!!.....Goody :angel:
One of our mutual friends has gotten himself a little involved and yesterday explained things to my Ex in "guy" terms and told him how stupid he's being through all of this and that the picture no matter how innocent it may have been was just stupid of him he was actually yelling at him. He believes my ex that nothing has ever happened but told him how bad it looks to me and my ex agreed that yes it does look bad but itís just not the case. And he even told him that your stupid if you don't think she's been after you all these years and that she does have a track record for moving in and dating friends of her exes. So when I did talk to my ex yesterday he told me that it looks more and more like her and her BF are going to break up and that possibly down the road in a year or two maybe he would go out with her but that's not an option he wants to or can explore right now. Holy S--- who would tell there ex that? I guess I should be glad that he's trying to be truthful but it does sting a bit. He (our friend) also told him to stop calling me and that were not truly broken up until we stop talking he wouldn't promise him that he wouldn't call and he never did call until this morning, he told me that he talked to our friend and understands a little better where I'm coming from and that yes he was being stupid at times and the honestly put the pictures on the computer because he wanted to dump them off from his phone to free up space and that he didn't even think about how it would make me feel even knowing how I felt about her and said look again there are tons of pictures of friends on there. He told him too that there isnít anything going on with her and that he would tell him and me if there was because whatís the point in hiding anything at this point and that he doesnít want me to go to her BF because I would be doing it out of anger and not because I have real proof. I do know that when he is around her that his friend is there for the most part and other people as well. I asked him why he keeps calling me if its because he truly is concerned or if its because he wants to know who I'm talking to about this and he said that he loves me and that he is concerned and so is everyone else. I guess people are calling him and asking about me so I told him to give them my number if they want to ask me myself. I do think we had some issues separate from her maybe not enough for a breakup at least from my side but I agree that maybe we aren't the best match for one another right now and I can live with that but I can't get through until I know that it wasn't her that initiated the break up. He said that I have caused him to doubt himself for the first time ever and that he never gave her much thought but now he has to look at it since it keeps coming up. Whatever? It hasnít even been a week since Iíve been away from him so I think I still have the right to be very upset and have my ups and downs but I agree with what everyone is telling me that we should stop talking and Iím now prepared for that, I actually felt a little relieved to not talk to him last night I was content. My friend pointed something out to me that Iíve just recently realized myself and that is I am a very strong, tough and stubborn person and that for whatever reason when it comes to my ex Iím extremely weak. Is it the love that does that? Iím usually very tough except with him. Why is that? And believe me Iíve lost a lot of faith in people recently and I know anything is possible but this guy my ex is so different from any other guy Iíve dated he really is loyal. The last think I said to him was that you have always been a loyal trusting person who I never thought lied to me ever but the way youíve been acting recently has made me think that you are because this is not like you at all and he said exactly Iíve never lied why would you think so now and I said well because this isnít a normal situation your breaking up with my why would I trust you at this point. Heís starting to see what an idiot heís been and now its so obvious just how different men and women are we just donít think the same way. My gut really tells me that nothing happened between them but it also tells me that something could and might even though that is not what caused the breakup it was just an added extra and maybe I am trying to blame someone else for this. I guess time will tell and he tells me that if something does happen he will tell me.. How noble of him right? Thank you all so much again for taking the time to listen its amazing how much better it feels to have someone listen, besides all my friends here at healthboards hes the only other person I've been able to talk to because he knows the story I guess you could say. Good news! I'm going out this weekend with my friend and his GF and we are going to party with some of his friends and he's going to introduce me to this guy who lives a few miles away from me.. not as boyfriend material but just someone new to know. I'm excited I really am for the first time in weeks.
I had such a bad night last night. I let something a guy friend said get to me really bad and just ended up crying all night long with a bottle of whiskey. Then of course I was stupid and talked to my ex he had called me earlier in the day to ask me to pay his car payment online for him and was calling me at night to see if I did it and I just broke down and ended up hanging up on him so he kept calling me back because he said he didn't want to hang up with me when I was crying.. That's nice he's feeling pity for me Yeah that's exactly what a girl needs is her ex feeling sorry for her. I told him forget it I'm fine I know your on your way out (to hang out with skanky ***** and her BF) I didn't say that though. And so he let me go and for the first time since I left the apt he didn't call me in the morning. I told him last night that it was nice seeing him the other night and that is why I was upset because those damn feelings are still there and I said that I could tell by your eyes and the way you were looking at me that you're still in a lot of pain too and he said Yeah I am but it's going to get easier, I said yeah that's what I keep hearing and he said me too I don't know if I believe it yet but I know I have to. I get the feeling when I talk to him that he's holding something back but I haven't a clue as to what it is. His mom think's he's regretting this but me being ever jaded now I think maybe its guilt he's holding on to and whether its because of me or her I'm not sure. I don't know, I hate not knowing what the real truth is and it's hard to except that I might not ever know. Maybe he is telling the truth and I can't accept it? He's told me that he keeps going out so that he can keep his mind off of things and not miss me so much. Don't you think that's running away? I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me and taking this time to think things through and clear my head so that I can wrap everything up internally and put it away but he keeps avoiding it by going out. I know maybe that's what's right for him and I shouldn't be worried about that but I still am. It makes me nuts knowing that he's still going to see her and her BF all the time because they're the only people he hangs out with on a normal basis. He tells me that he has a lot of confusion and things to think about? What could he be thinking about? Then when I was with him the other night after he pulls me onto his lap he tells me he's sorry? I said what are you sorry about? He said that things turned out this way and I said I'm sorry too this wasn't part of my plans I thought we were going to be married etc. etc. He said it wasn't part of his plans either.. I know we both had some intense feelings going through us I could see it, feel it and I could tell by the way he was looking at me, people don't look at each other that way unless there is something there still. So what is he so beat up over? Don't guys usually bounce out of this funk easier? I could tell by the way he was talking to me that he was being careful of what he says I know he's trying to not lead me in the wrong direction. I can tell he's trying hard to not mess with my head but its messed already. So I'm majorly confused one minute i do feel he's regretting this but then the next he's talking about not wanting a relationship and he's a single guy Blah Blah Blah. Then why get all affectionate with me when I'm around? Sex came up and I know we both wanted it but I know better than to go down that road, I don't want to be treated like a used pair of shoe's that only comes out when the other pair has dog crap on them.
Oh and to show how stupid [U]some[/U] men are and particularly this one he bought me a $200 gift certificate for Victorias Secret (underwear and lingerie) for Christmas when he knew damn well where this was going he said he got it for me because he knows I need that stuff? What the hell? Common sense has left the building you don't buy your girlfriend who your going to break up with underwear.Geez
Is this normal what I'm doing? I go from being o.k one minute to feeling like an after school special gone wrong the next. I feel like I should come with a warning label? like when I do meet someone I should run down all my bad attributes right away and have them sign and date it saying yes you warned me about all this.
Anyways it's nice to vent. I'm sorry I asked a million questions in this post I don't know how anyone could answer them all I guess I put it out there just so its off my chest. I'm at least 10lbs lighter now.Thanks-Jamie

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:53 PM.

© 2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!