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Thanks again everyone for the replies. I'm so glad I found this place. I think the support and advice here is going to be invaluable for me through this hard, long road to recovery. Just babbling my feelings helps so much.

Firstly to Ruth - i think i must have come across as very judgmental in describing Caroline...in truth I was just trying to illustrate how for a very long time Chris was not attracted to her in the slightest and she seemed the very opposite of me. I'm not suggesting that made either of us better than the other, just that Chris seemed to run straight for the opposite of me. She is the only other that has obviously wanted him for ages. So its very doubtful that, if not her, he would be with anyone else right now. I don't think he really would have bothered looking either. Caroline was just an easy, obvious choice.
The other thing is that her heartlessness and deceitfullness lately has made her seem very ugly to me, completely aside to anything superficial like her looks. I feel stupid for confiding in such a back-stabbing person, and even more stupid for taking her calculated advice which in the long run, made our relationship more rocky. Its clear now that she took note of all the troubles I confided in her and twisted them in order to get Chris for herself, and assure him the same things wouldn't happen with her. And Chris believes her lies. I feel so used and betrayed. When I confronted her about it she lied to me constantly, denying everything, until she [i]finally[/i] cracked and blurted out that she knew it would affect me and everyone around us and my working environment, but she didn't give a ****. Both she and Chris have been so selfishly motivated and are so overjoyed in their brand new relationship. And here's me, alone and depressed, branded as a liar and blamed for many things I didn't do.

Its partially true that I'm just grieving over the death of the relationship, but I was doing so in the weeks after we broke up, before I found out about HER. That new dose of information is whats been tearing me up inside lately. So its actually a lot to do with her too, as much as I'd like it not to be. I just can't get the horrible images of her out of my head, and all the deceit. Its driving me crazy.

Snails and Sophia M - you're words struck so true with me and were very encouraging. Perhaps its true that I wouldn't have been happy long-term with a spineless man anyway with such a different agenda to myself, and I [i]DO[/i] feel a little pity for him that he's after a predictable relationship of no passion...it must be as Snails said, a fear of the vulnerability that comes with intense love. He always felt that way with me...vulnerable and scared. But in love. And for a time, it was so beautiful - I felt just as he did. I know that there's probably better out there for me, but right now I just can't fathom that... I still miss him so much :( So so much, despite his cold actions. I wish he'd just given us more of a chance.

Lisa 24...you have a point about him finally fronting up with his reasons for breaking up. I suppose thats a good thing, and I feel for you in you're position, it must be difficult. Chris still tells me he cares about me, and wants me to be happy (like he considered that when he did what he did!) Its just that with him, the story can change as quickly as his mind does. And his mind will change depending on who he's talking to at the time. He broke up with me first because of his family, a week later it was 'trust issues', a week after that it was 'the relationship was too sexual', and finally 'it was too intense and full-on for me. I want something more sedate and stable.' Many of these were things I wouldn't have been able to change anyway, as he just seems to draw his own conclusions of me despite what I do.

Its so sad because in so many ways, we WERE perfect for eachother. Our sense of humour, interests, thoughts, sexual compatibility, all complimented eachother beautifully. The differences we did have balanced eachother out. We'd be able to talk endlessly, had thousands of in-jokes with eachother, would know what the other was thinking without saying a thing. We would train together, teach together, see movies together...SO much of our lives were entwined..now I feel that half of me is missing and my love of karate has all but vanished, which is terrible. I dont know what to do with myself and feel so alone at night in my cold bed. Yet the few differences we DID have just turned into mammoth ones that killed us, it seems. He just gave up. I just wish we could have worked them through and worst of all, I can't help but kick myself for not trying to do some things different, even though it wasn't really my fault. I just feel like I'll never find someone right for me again.

I'm such a mess.
[QUOTE=~Tyger~]Snails and Sophia M - you're words struck so true with me and were very encouraging. Perhaps its true that I wouldn't have been happy long-term with a spineless man anyway with such a different agenda to myself, and I [i]DO[/i] feel a little pity for him that he's after a predictable relationship of no passion...it must be as Snails said, a fear of the vulnerability that comes with intense love. He always felt that way with me...vulnerable and scared. But in love. And for a time, it was so beautiful - I felt just as he did. I know that there's probably better out there for me, but right now I just can't fathom that... I still miss him so much :( So so much, despite his cold actions. I wish he'd just given us more of a chance.

Lisa 24...you have a point about him finally fronting up with his reasons for breaking up. I suppose thats a good thing, and I feel for you in you're position, it must be difficult. Chris still tells me he cares about me, and wants me to be happy (like he considered that when he did what he did!) Its just that with him, the story can change as quickly as his mind does. And his mind will change depending on who he's talking to at the time. He broke up with me first because of his family, a week later it was 'trust issues', a week after that it was 'the relationship was too sexual', and finally 'it was too intense and full-on for me. I want something more sedate and stable.' Many of these were things I wouldn't have been able to change anyway, as he just seems to draw his own conclusions of me despite what I do.

Its so sad because in so many ways, we WERE perfect for eachother. Our sense of humour, interests, thoughts, sexual compatibility, all complimented eachother beautifully. The differences we did have balanced eachother out. We'd be able to talk endlessly, had thousands of in-jokes with eachother, would know what the other was thinking without saying a thing. We would train together, teach together, see movies together...SO much of our lives were entwined..now I feel that half of me is missing and my love of karate has all but vanished, which is terrible. I dont know what to do with myself and feel so alone at night in my cold bed. Yet the few differences we DID have just turned into mammoth ones that killed us, it seems. He just gave up. I just wish we could have worked them through and worst of all, I can't help but kick myself for not trying to do some things different, even though it wasn't really my fault. I just feel like I'll never find someone right for me again.

I'm such a mess.[/QUOTE]

Ruth, I couldn't agree more about female friends. I've had several "best" girl friends over the years--usually just one at a time, as I really don't have much in common with other girls and have always had closer friendships with guys. Each and every time, they ended up stabbing me in the back, usually over a guy. They would either make up lies about me and try to get my BF to break up with me (either because they wanted him or were just jealous that I had a BF and they didn't), flat out hit on my guy and then tell me about it and how they wished he would have wanted to be with them instead of me, or spread numerous, vicious rumors and lies about me and other guys to try and sabotage my relationships. My friend and college roommate of three years was in love with my current sweetie Patrick--the love of my life--before I ever met him, though he barely knew she existed and couldn't be less interested. She ran into him and his roommate in a bar and hooked up right away with his roommate, in order to (as I later found out), use him to get to Patrick and "trade up." When Patrick and I met, it was love at first sight and our chemistry was obvious to everyone. My roommate wouldn't speak to me for days afterward, and (as I later found out), Patrick's roommate was also furious because he was hoping to "trade up" as well, dumping my roommate in hopes of getting together with me. So our roommates went on this campaign to tear us apart and spent weeks telling me and Patrick dozens of horrible lies about each other. When that didn't work, my roommate tried to seduce Patrick several times, told him I was sleeping with lots of other guys, that I was evil and had told her I was plotting to make him fall for me and then break his heart, etc. She finally resorted to begging Patrick to stay away from me because I "always had a boyfriend" while she never had (until she hooked up with Patrick's roommate), and that it would crush her if she didn't get to be the "only one with a boyfriend." In other words, her happiness was dependent on my being alone and deprived of happiness with a guy I obviously adored--little did she know her boyfriend was forbidding Patrick to be with me because he wanted to dump her for me anyway! Anyway, that was the last straw. I still have a few girl friends, but I will never really trust a girl again now that every single one of my so-called best friends has tried to ruin my life.

Tyger, my heart really aches for you. How awful that not only are you suffering the hurt and loneliness of losing someone you loved very much, but that you're also feeling angry and betrayed by someone you thought you could trust! That girl is a snake and I just know she'll get what she deserves before long--as they say, karma is a you-know-what :p. I can't imagine how mad and sick you must be feeling, imagining them happy together while you, who is a better person by far than both of them combined, are left alone in pain. If it helps, you most definitely deserve better than this guy, and fortunately, you have many years left to find him. While you guys were compatible, as you said, in many ways, I'd bet anything that there is a guy out there who is perfect for you in EVERY way, with whom you won't have to settle or compromise whatsoever. Remember, every serious love affair feels like "the right one" while you're in it, with no outside perspective or frame of reference. I've felt that way with almost all of my exes, that is, it started coming to an end and I realized all the reasons it wouldn't have worked in the long run. It's just like how everyone thinks their first love is the love of their life, because they have nothing at all to compare it to. But the real love of your life would be willing to do anything to make things work, would never give up on you, would never put anyone, even his mom, before you, and would never hurt you like Chris has. Trust me, he's out there somewhere, and I think you'll know who he is when you meet him (probably when you're least expecting it!) It seems like Chris was just too scared and spineless to be with you because deep down he knew you were too good for him. Not to mention, can you imagine spending your life with a mother-in-law that spiteful and horrible? I know it's hard now to be alone, surrounded by so many memories, but you will make it through this and end up better off, just as so many other great women here have with the help of this board. Hang in there and take advantage of their wisdom and experience--you will get through this!!





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