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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=SophiaM]I think it might be caused by hormones. I know some women, including two good friends of mine, who are like Snails. They move on very easily after the relationship is over and don't torture themselves with "why's" and "what ifs." I honestly envy these women. I would just LOVE to be this way. The funny part is also that men usually don't break their hearts, it's the women who break up first. I asked one of my friends how she's able to just move on to another guy so quickly and with no regrets, and she said that she just believes each person is unique, and she never ever thinks this is going to be her last chance of a relationship, or that this guy is the only one for her. She just isn't that picky with men and finds a lot of different types of men attractive, while I usually just get stuck on one individual for a very long time and think he's so special I'll never find anyone like him again. Oh, and one more interesting thing she said is that part of her falling in love with someone is how he treats her. When he treats her like a goddess, it turns her on, and she, in turn, starts liking him more. But as soon as the guy starts acting badly, or if she gets bored with him, she dumps him cold and never comes back! She has a very high self esteem, was adored by her parents as a child, and I think she's one of these rare women who just never put up with crap. In a way, she's my personal role model, though I am too soft to be able to act the same way.[/QUOTE]

Wow, Sophia, this post threw me for a loop! Thank you for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully and sharing your views. Now that I look at everything you said, it sounds just like me, but some of your insights are things I had never realized about myself before. I think, like everyone, I tend to be too hard on myself and focus on the negative without stopping give as much thought to what's good about me. Anyway, your comments were very interesting and enlightening to me personally--thanks again. I really wish I was as perceptive about people and able to understand them as thoroughly as you do.

I think two things you said are nearly always present in women who have lots of happy relationships and little experience with heartbreak, but are also qualities that other women can strive for to improve the quality of their relationships as well: a habit of liking a guy proportionately to how well he treats you and high self-esteem. Though very high self-esteem can turn some people off, I am very glad my parents adored me, much like you describe in regard to your friend, and made me think of myself as deserving only the best and being too good to settle for less. Self-esteem also seems to correlate with how much people respect you and how well they treat you--I've always thought that people somehow sense who will put up with bad behavior and make sure to behave around those who won't stand for it.

I also wonder about the hormonal connection to all this. Personally, I've never understood women's emotional responses, never felt touched or emotional about the same things as my friends and female relatives, never experienced PMS or fluctuating emotions in conjunction with my cycle, and unfortunately, never been very sensitive or perceptive. Pretty much I feel like I lack the bad parts of being a typical woman, but also lack the good parts, which are instead replaced by the bad qualities of a typical man :confused:. Sophia, while I am definitely happy to be one of those people who won't put up with any crap or bad treatment, please don't underestimate the wonderful qualities you have that women like the one you describe might lack. You along with many other more typically feminine woman have great traits--compassion, intuition, empathy, sensitivity, perceptiveness are just a few that come to mind--that I wish I possessed in more abundance. Being "soft" doesn't make you weak, it makes you a great, caring person and friend as well as a wonderful, loving partner for a man who deserves you.

Heartland, I also found your post extremely interesting. I hope things have gone back to normal with you and your wife. It sounds like you two have developed a making-up style that has kept your marriage going strong for a decade--I would hope any psychologist would be smart enough to recognize that rather than criticize you guys! Your post just made me wonder more about what role certain hormones play in the sort of behavior we've been discussing.

Suzznyc, I agree with Nini that not wanting a rebound relationship is a good thing for you, not something you should try to talk yourself into. It isn't fair to either person when someone throws themself into a new relationship just to avoid dealing with a breakup, and it doesn't work anyway. Just take your time and stick to whatever dating timeframe feels right to you. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about how long someone should take to get over a failed relationship, nor about how long you have to wait to start a new relationship before it's no longer a "rebound." To me, a rebound relationship is something you enter before you're fully over your ex, before you feel ready to start fresh and give the new person a clean slate, and before your heart is open to finding new love. If this takes a month, fine, for some people it may take years--each person should follow their individual instincts on this subject, in my opinion. It's not so much about the length as time as about where you are emotionally. But regardless, I don't think a new relationship has a fair chance if either person isn't completely over their ex. So please don't feel any pressure to rush into something new just to move on...just move on at your own pace and feel free to ignore any well-meaning advice that doesn't seem like the right thing for you.

Best wishes,
Stacy





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