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While it's admirable that your guy is so devoted to his family, I can definitely understand why this situation disturbs you. No matter how noble his actions, when it really comes down to it, your BF had several other priorities that take precedence over you. It's very strange that this guy's dad calls him so often, and unfortunately this suggests that he might have issues with independence, self-sufficiency, and maturity. If you're thinking about marriage, you need to consider a lot more than just whether or not you and your guy get along and love each other. It takes a lot more in the way of compatibility to provide a marriage with a fair chance at long-term success, and family tension and divided loyalties can pose very difficult obstacles.

Personally, I would have a hard time marrying a guy whose family hated me, and who seemed willing to drop everything with me to run to his codependent father whenever his father wanted him. I had a long-term serious relationship with a guy who was closer with his family than I would have liked, and it ended up being a dealbreaker. And this was a lot less extreme than what you've described--my ex was very close with his family and expected to prioritize numerous and everyday activities (not just important or special occasions) with his family above time with me and his friends. His parents liked me all right, but I think they would have preferred that he end up with someone much less opinionated, sharp, and ambitious. I'm sure he'll end up with a bland, not all that bright, housewife-type with no career goals and very traditional gender ideals--i.e., wives are meant to be submissive and subservient assistants to their husbands. Ultimately the family pressures weighing on my ex became too much of a source of tension, and I realized that he wasn't even close to the kind of guy with whom I wanted to spend my life.

So I ended things, and just as I was ready to move on and start dating again, I found the guy of my dreams. We are completely in sync when it comes to political, religious, and social ideals, our life goals and priorities, the importance of family vs. our connection to each other, our maturity levels, etc. I learned that these measures of compatibility, though not all that romantic and glamorous, play a bigger role in derermining the ultimate outcome of a relationship than love. After all, if everyone that ever loved somoene ended up with them, there'd be virtually no single people left. In reality, it takes a lot more than love and chemistry to make a relationship thrive over time. Basically, I think you deserve a lot more devotion and commitment than this guy is giving you currently. Whether he is claiming not to want to upset his parents as an excuse to avoid commitment or he really cares about not going against their wishes, neither option bodes well for the two of you. For a couple to have any chance of making it as husband and wife, there needs to be no doubt in either partner's mind that the other person is the most important thing in their life, and that the couple is 100% commited to being loyal to each other for the rest of their life.

Sorry if this came across as overly negative, and if you are determined to make this relationship work, I really hope it works out for you two. Regardless of which guy you end up with, you deserve to be treated like the most precious thing in his world and shouldn't settle for anything less than the best treatment you can imagine.
[QUOTE=Snails]While it's admirable that your guy is so devoted to his family, I can definitely understand why this situation disturbs you. No matter how noble his actions, when it really comes down to it, your BF had several other priorities that take precedence over you. It's very strange that this guy's dad calls him so often, and unfortunately this suggests that he might have issues with independence, self-sufficiency, and maturity. If you're thinking about marriage, you need to consider a lot more than just whether or not you and your guy get along and love each other. It takes a lot more in the way of compatibility to provide a marriage with a fair chance at long-term success, and family tension and divided loyalties can pose very difficult obstacles.

Personally, I would have a hard time marrying a guy whose family hated me, and who seemed willing to drop everything with me to run to his codependent father whenever his father wanted him. I had a long-term serious relationship with a guy who was closer with his family than I would have liked, and it ended up being a dealbreaker. And this was a lot less extreme than what you've described--my ex was very close with his family and expected to prioritize numerous and everyday activities (not just important or special occasions) with his family above time with me and his friends. His parents liked me all right, but I think they would have preferred that he end up with someone much less opinionated, sharp, and ambitious. I'm sure he'll end up with a bland, not all that bright, housewife-type with no career goals and very traditional gender ideals--i.e., wives are meant to be submissive and subservient assistants to their husbands. Ultimately the family pressures weighing on my ex became too much of a source of tension, and I realized that he wasn't even close to the kind of guy with whom I wanted to spend my life.

So I ended things, and just as I was ready to move on and start dating again, I found the guy of my dreams. We are completely in sync when it comes to political, religious, and social ideals, our life goals and priorities, the importance of family vs. our connection to each other, our maturity levels, etc. I learned that these measures of compatibility, though not all that romantic and glamorous, play a bigger role in derermining the ultimate outcome of a relationship than love. After all, if everyone that ever loved somoene ended up with them, there'd be virtually no single people left. In reality, it takes a lot more than love and chemistry to make a relationship thrive over time. Basically, I think you deserve a lot more devotion and commitment than this guy is giving you currently. Whether he is claiming not to want to upset his parents as an excuse to avoid commitment or he really cares about not going against their wishes, neither option bodes well for the two of you. For a couple to have any chance of making it as husband and wife, there needs to be no doubt in either partner's mind that the other person is the most important thing in their life, and that the couple is 100% commited to being loyal to each other for the rest of their life.

Sorry if this came across as overly negative, and if you are determined to make this relationship work, I really hope it works out for you two. Regardless of which guy you end up with, you deserve to be treated like the most precious thing in his world and shouldn't settle for anything less than the best treatment you can imagine.[/QUOTE]





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