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[QUOTE=GirlHarley]
It’s almost as if I’m ‘waiting” for him to slip up to do it – does that make any sense? :eek:[/QUOTE]

It makes perfect sense. You have been through hell and back with this guy. Yes, you love him...but no you don't trust him. You are probably afraid to let go and give him your all, even now when things are good because deep down you are afraid that things are too good and at sometime he may go back to his old ways. Which, since he is an alcoholic could just happen.

Maybe if you keep in mind that, yes, things could go back the way the were, but try and enjoy the good times you two have together now. You have every right to be angry, frustrated, and confused right now. I think anyone who has been through what you have would be feeling the same way.

This is a little off topic, but I relate because a man I was with 4 years had cheated on me. Cheating is different than drinking, but the betrayal and lying is the same. After I found out he wanted to work things out. He treated me like a queen for months and months. He loved me. Adored me and never could say he was sorry enough. I tried, Girlharley to get past the anger and resentment. He treated me better than any other guy, yet in the back of my head I was "waiting" for him to slip up and do it again. I was always looking for "signs", as I'm sure you are really keeping your eyes open as to if he smells, acts, or drinks any alcohol. In my situation, I tried for months to get past it. No matter how much time I gave it, I couldn't. The occurance of the event changed us. We couldn't go back to the place before he cheated. Just as you probably can't seem to figure out why you mentally can't go back to the time with him before all the drinking started. He wants things to be the way they were. Unfortunately, after something like this, it changes the dynamic of the relationship. Now maybe you two can move forward from here and make a stronger, different relationship...but this isn't something you can just put a band-aid over, "all is forgotten" and be blissfully in love.

Don't expect so much from yourself. Don't expect that you will be madly in love with him right now. It just doesn't happen like that. Be patient with yourself and don't beat yourself up about having these doubts about him. You need to take care of you. Take care of your anxiety and panic attacks. Get yourself in a mental place that seems peaceful. I just think it is important that you get to feeling better before you put effort into the relationship. It all takes time. Right now you are trying to heal from everything he put you through. In time, you'll figure out if the two of you can move past this, or if you just can't get over the lying and betraying. Either way, regardless if he remains your boyfriend or not...you have to be happy and be feeling okay.

Hope this helps. Keep posting.





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