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Heartland, As you requested i am responding to your post so as to explain where my nerve had been hit....BIG time :D I hope it helps clarify things and puts us back on our path that we seem to be stumbling down lately ;) ....

[B]Goody, to paraphrase something youíve said several times, sometimes God puts someone in our lives, even a stranger, to show that He is always here for us. I donít know where you got that verse from but Iíve come to realize that you sincerely believe that. However, until your last post, I couldnít relate to it like you do.[/B]

As I responded to you yesterday this paraphrase is a Goody phrase that I used to describe how I feel when at a particular moment in my life I feel I crossed pathes with somebody that was a reflection of God's love to me. I just know it in the way in which my life was touched by a particular person. My best friend (MBF) and you have been my longest standing friends who have acted in this capacity. When I met (MBF) it wasn't a particular instance that I can identify that started this phenomenon that I describe. It happened moreso once she moved away but like you said she has always played a major role in my life. With you....I can pinpoint [B]exactly[/B] when it happened in my marriage thread....and carries into the present. MBF and I met in college, we worked our first job together and then got married a year apart. It wasn't until I guess we lived apart that we discovered how metaphysical things were. With you I guess I saw it sooner because of the cyberness involved :angel: And throughout my life there have been people who have served short term in this capacity even complete strangers...hope that makes sense

[B]Iím guessing that Your Best Friend (YBF) served as His proxy as you struggled to break your emotional bonds with your abusive fiancť. YBF must have said things to you that ordinary friends would never think of and you realized she was a most special friend. As such, Iím sure you owe her a huge emotional debt although she thinks nothing of it.[/B] Heartland this is where I sorta lost you....when I went through the emotional abuse I was emotionally cut off from all support systems to the point that when anyone called I was rushed off the phone, couldn't make certain social was that bad. Unless you've been there it's hard to explain...I over a period of time was put in the situation of choosing between him or the rest of the world. While speaking with MBF last night I actually had to have her remind me of that was as if I were completely brainwashed is how I would describe that time in my life. And alot of it is a blur...I guess I've buried it because it was so painful a time. What got me through that I can remember is my Godmother paying a visit to me. She sat down with me & boldly told me that she loved me and as my Godmother had to tell me that I was making a big mistake by remaining with this guy. All along my family and friends were telling me to leave him, MBF said things but remained silent for the most part which sometimes spoke even louder than words. But I protected him and what I gave to that relationship, which was entire soul. It wasn't until everyone was gone and silent that I heard what I needed to hear. My friend did tell me the first day she met him that she didn't like him but I didn't listen. I honestly didn't see her as being someone I owe an emotional debt for this particular time in my life I guess because she has seved as my spiritual friend always.

[B]Moving forward roughly twenty years, your marriage experienced its darkest hour. Somehow you must have seen me as your second proxy of Him (dťjŗ vu) because you replied to Stacy, ďhe's definitely one in a million and someone I shall be eternally grateful for no matter how things turn out for Tom & I. He's Dorothy's tinmanÖĒ. I was very confused by that comment until now because I never heard of such proxies in ordinary peopleís lives until you mentioned it.[/B]Yes, Heartland I do see you in the same way in my life as I see MBF. That is in the sense that you were placed here to intervene during one of the toughest times in my life.....but it became more defined as we travelled these boards and your always seeming to be there in my time of need. The posts that came even before you knew I was in pain offered me comfort at just the right moment....emulating the type of comfort and love that God gives. That is how I define you and MBF so differently than others. And yet I once again do not feel you are owed an emotional debt.....that's not how I see things that are God given. I am eternally grateful and don't think there is a way that something like you did for me can ever be's something held deep within connected with the inner core of my being....touching that deep place where God hid our self love.....if you can make any sense of it.

[B]Last night, your post hit a nerve with laser-guided precision and revealed His hand. Overnight I saw that you must be His proxy for me. Before that, I assumed that your role was to simply kick-start me into action regarding a career. While Iíve gotten farther than before, Iíve hit a few snags, like before, that Iíll explain later. At the moment, the pieces arenít falling together so fear and confusion are back. Only He knows what I must do and Iím sure Iíll discover His plan through you.[/B] This is where I may have had the first emotion building up in me. A few nights prior to my post I had been speaking to MBF about how special you have become to me....I explained that you were the type of friend like her who God had blessed me with here on the boards and she told me that she could see why. During that conversation she shared with me how she would be interested in knowing your employment history and why you considered your wife a saint. I told her that I couldn't just come right out with those questions even though the same had crossed my mind and I told her in time I may be able to but it would have to be the right time. I posted my article a few days later and saw it as a good opportunity. You see, Heartland, up to this point everything I shared here with you was only from me, never manipulated in anyway coming from the heart. But when your reaction came I wasn't able to deal with it.....I felt all of a sudden guilty because I guess I saw it as not naturally unfolding being that it was suggested by MBF. Does this make any sense to you???? I mean I honestly saw this thread and our friendship as being born of divine intervention and all of a sudden I felt as if things were taking a turn and I didn't want it based on any sort of deceit, manipulation or distrust. I saw our friendship as deserving so much more than that. So the emotions started running high. :confused: (I need to post this in two parts since it is too long)

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