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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

where to start. This may be long, so please bear with me.
I met my husband when I was 24 through a friend. We instantly bonded and after the night we met haven't been really apart since. We kinda knew that we were with the one we were going to marry. I dated A LOT and was tired of all the guys who partied too much and were going no where. He didn't date much at all. We had a great courtship, pretty romantic and what not. We decided we'd probably get married about three months into dating. He gave me a ring that his grandmother left him to give to his future wife as an engagement. Things went well for some time, then problems started. WE view so many things differently. I like to look my best, where he doesn't care. WE got into a huge fight when he wanted to wear a jersey to my grandmother's house for Xmas and I wanted him to wear a nicer shirt. Petty stuff like that. We met in June 2001. Things got bad early that winter. My sexual drive went way down, we were fighting. I wasn't getting any affection from him and so on. In March I believe, I gave the ring back. He was living with me and my mom at the time-his mom had moved to CA and before we met he was supposed to go with her and his step dad. But, he stayed with me knowing we'd end up in CA later. Anyway, I broke it off to be sure we should be together. The day he left for CA he cried. He told me not to turn around and go to the house until he was down the road out of sight-he couldn't handle seeing my back turned to him. Something happened then. We talked every day and decided we did love eachother and wanted to get married. I moved to CA and we had to live with his mom and step dad in a tiny three bed apt. I was unhappy with work, living arrangements, and no friends. We became unhappy much of the time too. We fought a lot and our fights were always the same-I took things personally, he wasn't romantic, I had low self esteem, he was a bit on the controlling side, I had a temper, he had a temper and so on. Things I guess I always thought would get better. What do you expect though? we are both scorpios three days apart in age. In December of 2002, I had to give him an ultimatum. He was having second thoughts about our wedding that was in six months. I gave him til the end of December to make a decision. He did and we got married June 21, 2003. We had many fights during this time. usually money or him making me upset.
After the wedding, we moved out of his mom's. I was missing my old work, he hated his job, neither of us really loved CA. So, we moved to las vegas. Things were hard. Our families had to pay for our move and support us a while. This being just after helping for our wedding. We fought a lot again. Then, I finally got the job I loved. Hubby was having problems at work and was fired. BUT, the same day hired into a salary with a company car. LIfe got much easier. But of course it does! We took four vacations-(not all long ones), paid stuff down, made a couple of friends. Then, my back problems came back (had surgery 2002-he was wonderful). I was on disability from July til now. So, July 2004. He has a hard time understanding how his 27 year old wife can be in so much pain. And he can't fix me so he was "mean" or not understanding. Well, things were pretty good really-we still fought about money-he and I think differently about money. Things that I want or are important may be stupid to him or a waste of money. And he'll tell me that. I liked to go out and dance, he hates clubs. We became a boring husband and wife who never did anything. No friends (the one we had moved and when he broke up with his girl she took off). OUr close ones were hundreds of miles away.
SO, things were going good. December 15 I had a major back surgery. THEN, we were closing on a condo. The day we closed, he got fired. Goodbye money, goodbye car, goodbye condo. I gained 10 pounds (quit smoking), all we do is fight. I wish I could get into it more, but it is such a blurr. You know? We just got done talking. IT came down to if we can't either fix the problem or learn to deal with or accept it then we are for all intents and purposes done. I have low self esteem-he has anger issues-and so on. WE fight enough now that I dislike him! I wonder why I let him treat me the way he doesbut really, is he treating me bad or is it just me? I cried and cried tonight b/c it feels like it is all me-like I am not getting the marriage I FELT I deserved! How do I change that? OR, am I just with him b/c I wanted to prove everyone wrong? Am I afraid to say it's over or we need to seperate b/c of failure, or do I truly love him that much? I really don't know anymore. It is like my judgement is clouded somehow. All I know is there are things I feel I should get from him I don't, he knows what they are but says he is the way he is and won't change. And, I have known that since the day we met. We are so much alike in many ways, but SO different and it is our differences that make me question our marriage. At times, I feel like I have a brother, and not a husband. Atleast he is not a drunk and doesn't hurt me. I don't know-am I hanging on to not FAIL? How do I work through this to come to a real decision? Any help would be great-I am scared, upset and lost. I just don't know. My best bud asked me-"do you want to live the rest of your life without him? " I couldn't honestly answer.I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth. Am I with him also b/c he accepts my little stupid quirks? Jeeze-I am so confused. WE can't afford counseling right now, but he is willing to go. We didn't ever want to say the D word, but what can you do? I wanted so to be one of the ones to make it, happily, you know? I just wanted to do something for once I was successful at. I think I am digging a hole right now. So sorry.
Only you and your husband can say for sure whether you should be together, but I will say that it takes a lot more than love to make a successful marriage. It also requires compatible attitudes about money, similar values and goals, mutual respect, open and honest communication, healthy methods of settling disagreements, etc. It's very hard to sustain a successful relationship when one partner has low self-esteem (was that the case before you met your husband?) and the other is excessively controlling. My sense is that you guys fell under the spell of immediate chemistry and got married too quickly, without taking the time to figure out if you were compatible as well as in love, and if you two could create a lasting and fulfilling bond.

Anyway, I would suggest marriage counseling, or at least individual counseling for each of you. There definitely seem to be enough significant problems in your marriage that you would benefit from professional help. Remember that a healthy, satisfying relationship does not include so much uncertainty and so many drastic up and downs during which you seriously question whether or not you guys are a good match. Like you, I also suffer from terrible chronic pain, and I would seriously question whether I should be with my fiance if he ever acted mean or less than understanding about what I'm going through. You deserve to live your life with a partner who you can't live without, not just someone who doesn't drink or abuse you. You can find someone else to love who will not only accept your quirks, but love and support you unconditionally no matter what is going on in your life. I'm not saying that you should get divorced or anything, but from what you've said, I think you have many legitimate complaints about your marriage that need to be addressed and resolved. Don't think this is all in your head; you shouldn't be feeling so much confusion and pain from your marriage. Your partner is supposed to make your life more content and stable, not the other way around. Please be proactive about trying to resolve your issues--I would hate to see you stuck in a marriage filled with so much turmoil and fighting.

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