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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Hey, Red and Snails! :wave: Since Goody sorta has me locked up here in “voluntary” solitary confinement ;), it’s really great to have some visitors. :)

Stacy, I am really touched by you making the effort to seek me out to thank me. I’m very happy you found my posts helpful. For many months now, I’ve thought Patrick and you shared something very special and intense. The last time I saw your threads, things seemed to be progressing nicely again. I’m sorry the last few weeks have been so stressful for you but when you look back on it, you’ll realize that you two wouldn’t have grown this way if it weren’t for the stress. That’s easy for me to realize now because I’m experiencing the same thing in my situation.

Cindy, I wish your life was on a romantic upswing like Stacy’s is but I must say I greatly admire your determination to move forward and do the right things in spite of your hardships. That is the finest quality a person can have and you have loads. You have gained the respect of your coworkers by working with a pain in the asp. ;) I will remember your fine example in my weaker moments. Good luck and, crikey, I hope you soon find the man that will make snakes a distant memory for you.

Red and Snails, I feel very lucky to have two fine friends like you. Thanks for your support!

Goody, all wise keeper of the thread… here’s my update. Sunday, I came down with my first cold since last winter and its pretty bad. I think the cold is due to my disrupted sleep pattern, as you noticed in my 4am post. Still, I’ve worked on Job One most of the weekend. I’ve talked to several more people and got more ideas and a better picture of my situation. When I felt blah, I’ve cleaned up in my office or did other home front tasks. I’ve avoided procrastination easily so far but the cold has zapped my energy for the moment. I hope to rework my resume tomorrow. My Tuesday meeting with the banker was changed to Thursday. He will review the resume then.

Concerning the boards… For all practical purposes, I have confined myself to this thread since Thursday. I’m starting to feel very disconnected from the Relationship board already because I’m losing touch with people’s lives. It seems more like moving away rather than moving on. I’m missing friendships but my situation doesn’t allow otherwise. :( (BTW, I plan to use the Exercise & Fitness board soon to ask some questions. I don’t see a problem here because I’ve never replied on others’ threads on those types of boards.)

Let me catch up on your questions…
[I]I also need to know if Mrs. H has been requesting that you seek employment and for how long????[/I] She said she didn’t say much until she noticed that I was getting less and less done each day. That was around November 2004.

[b]Heartland’s plan:[/b]
[I]No viewing or posting on any other threads.[/I] Under normal conditions, I will not post on other threads unless I’m the thread originator.

[I]Posting will be limited to 2 hours daily on this thread only so long as it doesn’t interfere with other responsibilities, family life, or career.[/I] I plan to post no more than 14 hours weekly, which averages to no more than 2 hours daily. To produce posts like this, that means not posting daily.

[I]On downtime, you will spend time tending to responsibilities on the home front and make it your #1 priority of seeking gainful employment. (By physically leaving your house and submitting at least 3-4 applications/day) When you find that you are facing a weak moment you are to immediately journal your feelings and seek comfort in reading your bible or other self help book. Normally you would call a friend, if you can line up someone off line to serve in this capacity that would be even better. This person would serve as your support offline and would also be the one that you would be accountable to. (Friend, priest but [b]not[/b] Mrs. H) You must be willing to be completely honest with this person in order to be cured (addiction to Healthboards and work problems) Remember, the goal is to spend most of your time in the real world fulfilling your responsibilities to family, career, and daily activities in the household. [/I]
As you already know, my banker friend knows my situation. Other friends have been consulted about employment issues, too, so they know I’m seriously job hunting. Any weak moments can be vented through exercise, if need be, but there has been no sign of that yet.

That leaves the job hunt… After making the calls and meetings I’ve mentioned plus checking several regional employment databases and the newspapers, 3-4 applications daily for the better jobs within a 75 mile radius is unrealistic for more than a few days. (Please don’t “spin up” yet.) I am preparing applications now for jobs related to my skills and will check daily for more. I asked several friends, including the banker, what they would recommend to supplement those applications. They recommended making “cold calls”, that is, contacting targeted businesses to either meet with me or to put my resume on file. (They said this approach shows moxie and produces a synergy.) Local businesses will be contacted first and then the radius would expand. They said to expect a decent job to turn up within several months since they know that to be a common experience in this area. However, if I exhaust the targeted prospective employers in the region, then I should include lower paying jobs in my search. My wife agrees that this is a good approach for our situation. The banker will help me fine tuning this procedure to maximize my chances for success.

After learning the above, I began to realize that if I had marketed my business with a similar strategy and with the same advice and support I’m getting now, my business might have been successful. After Sunday’s story of the stone being rolled away, I thought that I should at least consider the option of applying the above principles to self-employment. I told my wife and called the banker about this; both were skeptical (Frankly, the way I feel today, so am I. :rolleyes: ). However, they agreed to the following. In parallel with carrying out the job search plan, I have one week to prepare a self-employment proposal for them. (I had several ideas and if my cold clears up, I hope to refine them.) Both of them must agree that the self-employment plan is at least viable or it will be abandoned. The plan must include a crystal-clear outline of the business plan, remedies for all the problems with my last business, criteria for closing the business. As I said earlier, it sounded like a better idea yesterday when I felt inspired but this is a way of seeking closure for self-employment under the current circumstances.


[b]Goody’s plan:[/b]
[I]No viewing or posting on any other threads.[/I] Agreed.

[I]Posting will be limited to 2 hours daily on this thread only so long as it doesn’t interfere with other responsibilities, family life, or career.[/I] Agreed.

[I]On downtime, you will spend time tending to responsibilities on the home front and make it your #1 priority of seeking gainful employment. . . . . . Remember, the goal is to spend most of your time in the real world fulfilling your responsibilities to family, career, and daily activities in the household. [/I] Same as Heartland’s Plan. My wife and banker agree with me that to achieve 3-4 applications daily, the resulting job would most likely require a move. My wife wants me to try the “cold calls” plan before considering anything involving a move.


Goody, I promise to give this my best effort. I probably won’t have another long post until Friday.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz… Oh, what a pain a cold is… -Heartland


PS: I hope your back is feeling better after the meds. :angel:
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Hey, Red and Snails! :wave: Since Goody sorta has me locked up here in “voluntary” solitary confinement ;), it’s really great to have some visitors. [/QUOTE] Goody encourages visitation so long as it doesn't take your focus away from Job One. I already recruited Stacy to bring her smile and support and she acted promptly. I see this as an opportunity for all your cyberfriends to support you in your efforts and provide you with positive thinking as you work towards your goal. That way we can all celebrate your victory together.



[QUOTE=heartland]Goody, all wise keeper of the thread… here’s my update. Sunday, I came down with my first cold since last winter and its pretty bad. I think the cold is due to my disrupted sleep pattern, as you noticed in my 4am post. Still, I’ve worked on Job One most of the weekend. I’ve talked to several more people and got more ideas and a better picture of my situation. When I felt blah, I’ve cleaned up in my office or did other home front tasks. I’ve avoided procrastination easily so far but the cold has zapped my energy for the moment. I hope to rework my resume tomorrow. My Tuesday meeting with the banker was changed to Thursday. He will review the resume then.[/QUOTE] Sorry to hear about the cold. Unfortunately these things only run their course despite what we do. Glad to see that you have the procrastination under control....Mrs. H must be happy in regard to that. Goody's still interested on the banker's take on my involvement here. I must admit that I was pretty amused that you introduced me in a crisp professional manner. Was I Goody or Dorothy???? Hehehehehehehe :D :D
I know....it's serious business and so long as it's keeping you focused in seeking gainful employment...that's all that really matters, isn't it?????
So today is tackling the resume.....it's all in presentation, my friend and I am sure you have no problem in that area.

[QUOTE=heartland]Concerning the boards… For all practical purposes, I have confined myself to this thread since Thursday. I’m starting to feel very disconnected from the Relationship board already because I’m losing touch with people’s lives. It seems more like moving away rather than moving on. I’m missing friendships but my situation doesn’t allow otherwise. (BTW, I plan to use the Exercise & Fitness board soon to ask some questions. I don’t see a problem here because I’ve never replied on others’ threads on those types of boards.)[/QUOTE] I understand how difficult this is for you to stay confined to this thread....but I think you know how important that is in terms of your ultimate success. Once Job One is acheived this can all be reevaluated but for now I must say that I am proud that you are adhering to our agreement. I promise to update you to any big developments and I see no problem with utilizing the Exercise & Fitness board so long as you don't use it as a means of procrastination or substitute it as a new habit. Remember...it was you that made mention of your fear fo finding something else to replace your postings, so I'm just going by that ;) I'm proud of the fact that you came to this understanding on our own and that I am not in the position of having to control but rather trust you in this area.

[B]Let me catch up on your questions…
[I]I also need to know if Mrs. H has been requesting that you seek employment and for how long????[/I] She said she didn’t say much until she noticed that I was getting less and less done each day. That was around November 2004.[/B] Funny how that seems to be around the time of my marriage thread. At times I can't help but almost feel a little responsible for some of your habit forming posts.....but I am glad that I can make up for it now in the sense of getting you back on track.

[b]Heartland’s plan:[/b] seems to be pretty much the same as Goody's from what I can see in terms of minimal posting and limited to this thread. I can be flexible in terms of your use of the exercise board as I have already agreed to. So basically I see no differences in our plans and am glad to see that you basically agree. Except the following.....

[B]That leaves the job hunt… After making the calls and meetings I’ve mentioned plus checking several regional employment databases and the newspapers, 3-4 applications daily for the better jobs within a 75 mile radius is unrealistic for more than a few days. (Please don’t “spin up” yet.) I am preparing applications now for jobs related to my skills and will check daily for more. I asked several friends, including the banker, what they would recommend to supplement those applications. They recommended making “cold calls”, that is, contacting targeted businesses to either meet with me or to put my resume on file. (They said this approach shows moxie and produces a synergy.) Local businesses will be contacted first and then the radius would expand. They said to expect a decent job to turn up within several months since they know that to be a common experience in this area. However, if I exhaust the targeted prospective employers in the region, then I should include lower paying jobs in my search. My wife agrees that this is a good approach for our situation. The banker will help me fine tuning this procedure to maximize my chances for success.[/B] Heartland..what I want to see is aggressive action on our part until you land a job. I am also interested in what deadline you are giving yourself in terms of taking on a job or a few jobs that may be less pay and for which you may see yourself as being "overqualified" for but will bring home a paycheck. A stepping stone until something better works out to your benefit. I want to make sure that you are not lining yourself up to continue to be in your state just because your "dream" job hasn't come along. Remember...that is why this thread originally served it's purpose in showing you that this thinking had to change. Goody just wants to make sure that we are not reverting back to past behaviors and thinkings.

[B]After learning the above, I began to realize that if I had marketed my business with a similar strategy and with the same advice and support I’m getting now, my business might have been successful. After Sunday’s story of the stone being rolled away, I thought that I should at least consider the option of applying the above principles to self-employment. I told my wife and called the banker about this; both were skeptical (Frankly, the way I feel today, so am I. :rolleyes: ). However, they agreed to the following. In parallel with carrying out the job search plan, I have one week to prepare a self-employment proposal for them. (I had several ideas and if my cold clears up, I hope to refine them.) Both of them must agree that the self-employment plan is at least viable or it will be abandoned. The plan must include a crystal-clear outline of the business plan, remedies for all the problems with my last business, criteria for closing the business. As I said earlier, it sounded like a better idea yesterday when I felt inspired but this is a way of seeking closure for self-employment under the current circumstances.[/B] After reading the first few lines of this part of your post everything in Goody's mind was yelling "NO, NO, NO" :nono: Do not go there, my friend, it'll only lead to this plan's failure as well as this threads.


[B][b]Goody’s plan:[/b]
[I]No viewing or posting on any other threads.[/I] Agreed.

[I]Posting will be limited to 2 hours daily on this thread only so long as it doesn’t interfere with other responsibilities, family life, or career.[/I] Agreed.

[I]On downtime, you will spend time tending to responsibilities on the home front and make it your #1 priority of seeking gainful employment. . . . . . Remember, the goal is to spend most of your time in the real world fulfilling your responsibilities to family, career, and daily activities in the household. [/I] Same as Heartland’s Plan. My wife and banker agree with me that to achieve 3-4 applications daily, the resulting job would most likely require a move. My wife wants me to try the “cold calls” plan before considering anything involving a move.[/B] Goody is okay with this modification, however, this week I need for you to come up with a deadline as to when you will entertain a stepping stone employment if your efforts don't land you an ideal/dream job that you want. That is #1 objective this week. Truthfully, Heartland....I think you should be working some type of job immediately on a part-time basis just to be out there bringing in a paycheck until something you want more pans out. Just enough hours to show Mrs. H that you are serious and which will allow you the time to still focus on looking for Job One. What are your thoughts on this?????



[QUOTE=heartland]PS: I hope your back is feeling better after the meds. :angel:[/QUOTE] Last night was miserable...I have never felt as much pain as I am in now. If the meds don't help by Thursday...my doctor wants to do a MRI to see what's up. I haven't had to take a percocet in so long but I finally did this morning and it's sleepiness effects are starting to kick in right about now.....so I am going to try to get some of the sleep I lack from last night. Will check back here in a little while........Goody :angel:
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, explaining my situation on this thread to him (you must have a bit of a sadistic streak in you ) felt very awkward for me so I had to practice keeping a straight face… like this happens everyday. :rolleyes: Here on out, I suspect he and I will mostly practice “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” If he mentions the board or you, I’ll report it here to satisfy your morbid sense of curiosity.[/QUOTE] Hehehehehehehehe :D :D You mustn't make me laugh.....at least not today when it hurts to do so. Heartland....you get an A+ just for sharing my username :eek: Sometimes when we have to do something difficult in our lives....a good sense of humor is necessary and I have a feeling that this is just going to have to be one of those times.

[B]You trust me in this area? I don’t believe for a second that you aren’t checking my daily posting history here. Hence, I’m in solitary confinement. [/B] I'm not that bad, my friend :nono: For the most part I keep my computer on most of the day checking in once in a while so please don't think I'm here to babysit you. I'd have to start charging you for that if you need that much monitoring.

[B]Goody, here I see a strong parallel to your marriage thread. To this day, I think I provided that thread a plan providing the best incentives to fix your situation. Tom and you decided to change the plan to make it “practical”. That really bothered me but there was nothing I could do about it but support your decision the best I could and hope for the best. Apparently, you two instinctively knew which parts of the plan were essential and you utilized them to succeed.

Now the tables are turned. I have to decide how to best proceed with my situation after you carefully led me past the point of no return. Trust me when I say that I’ve gotten my wife and the banker too involved in the job search for me to stop now. Since I can’t tell you on a public forum all the details that I can tell them, you’ll have to be patient like I was back on the marriage thread.[/B] I'm trying, my friend, but you must remember that patience is not one of my strongest attributes ;) Remember how much I wanted my marriage to be fixed....perhaps it was even a motivating factor????? May be for you as well.

[B]As uncomfortable as it will be for me to do, I will printout your concerns throughout this process and present them directly to my wife and the banker; your input will be a valuable part of the process. For each decision, I will consider the best of what my wife, the banker and you offer. I promise that I will make the smartest (not the easiest) decisions possible for the good of my wife and me and promptly report as much as possible here. Should I sense any procrastination on my part, I will interpret that as a need to promptly seek advice from my support groups. I certain hope you can trust me to do all this. By Friday, I’ll report about Thursday’s meeting with the banker and my wife’s thoughts.[/B] This is a great plan, Heartland, less of a chance of you sliding through the cracks or reverting back to your procrastinating ways. You seem to have covered all bases and done as I did in my marriage thread of making sure that any revisions Tom & I may have made were made in terms of success.


[B]I have decided to abandon the idea of self-employment for now but I did gain closure in the process. By analyzing some of my problems with the business, I realized that the fixes couldn’t be implemented quickly, thus the idea is impractical now[/B] I must be honest in saying that I am not in the least bit disappointed with this decision, in fact it is a wise one.

[B]I’m not good with comfort words so the best I have is something I think Bill Clinton said, “I feel your pain.” My aches will remind me of my dear friend, who apparently is in drug heaven. :angel: Keep us informed of your condition. I hope K has called a truce with you until it’s a fair fight again. Take care[/B] I am much more comfortable and can finally walk again without tears rolling down my face. The percocet wiped me out today and I wil probably only take it at bedtime to help me through the night. Thanks for your concern. K. actually called to check on me today and so far so good on the battleground. At least she knows when to put down her sword :D

Please don't think you are missing much on the RB....Nini is Nini with her ups & downs and everything is status quo. You're doing a terrific job here and Goody is proud of you as I am sure Mr. H is as well. Dorothy is here if you should need, my courageous lion.

One more day on the yellow brick road & getting closer to Kansas....Dorothy :wave:

PS (UPDATE): Tomorrow is Nini's 40th Birthday....I was considering letting you out for a while to celebrate....but I need the okay from Mrs. H. See what she thinks and let me know. I have a feeling Nini is going to need all her friends to help her through the day.....her 40th has been the milestone she has been dreading :eek: Will we make it through the day????
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]As I was ripping up the floor sheeting last night, I thought about this more and changed my opinion. :D I remember my best friend in college. When we became roommates in the house, we weren’t quite as easy-going toward each other. When he and I moved out of the house to live off campus, it became a bit more stressful. So I now think that when any two people start living together 24/7 and share most things, we instinctively monitor that everything is shared fairly. In a marriage, that includes emotions. All this monitoring can make us petty. However, it's interesting that when one leaves for a few days, we switch into “miss you” mode and most disagreements are forgotten… temporarily.[/QUOTE] Come to think of it you may be right. MBF & I dormed together but had different roommates in college. We did great under those circumstances and when we graduated we worked in NYC. Started out in a Nurse's Annex with what I would describe as individual jail cells. :D She got a 3 bedroom apartment with 2 other nurses.....I got a small extended studio in a separate location. She left her gorgeous 3 bedroom to room with me sharing a one bedroom with a bath & no kitchen. I went through a broken engagement shortly after & from what she shares with me I was rather depressed and she moved back home to Long Island....I remained for another 6 months and then did the same moving closer to my family. Funny.....you just gave me something to talk about with MBF. Our living experience of setting up the place together & all...you know I draw a mental block....I think we both broke up with our BF's & that is why we moved in together.....but our broken hearts really didn't make for a good experience I guess. We only lasted about 6 months or so....after that she and I always lived separately and ended up meeting our prospective husbands until she relocated out of state. Her son & K. are only a year apart....and we spent their first few years as toddlers visiting each other alot....until she moved and now we try to see each other at least once a year. I miss her living closeby.....I think I may have taken that for granted. We've been talking about getting together for a getaway vacation....in fact we just spoke about seriously looking into this just before I left for Cancun. Anyway.....what you say is so true....I think it does have to do with being with someone 24/7 vs. not, when it comes down to the sunshine & wind theory and how it pertains to friendships & marriage.

[QUOTE=heartlandguy]My wife told me last night she couldn’t believe how much had to be repaired, replaced or modified before installation begins. Last night I removed the particleboard layer of flooring and today I will fix holes in the subflooring because the shower drain and “commode” flange must be relocated slightly. As I mentioned before, the commode will be one of the last things to install since it will be centered in whatever space is left. Well, time to get back to work…[/QUOTE] Wow....this pet project sounds like a bigger job than expected but it does seem that you are getting quite a bit done. I guess so long as you can tack on to the existing drainage piping you shouldn't have a major problem and that before you get to laying the flooring you will have to somewhat have the shower & commode layed out. Remember....I am lacking in the crafsman gene :D :D Either way I know the commode is in great hands. Hehehehehehe :jester: ....Goody





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