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Practically alone
Feb 17, 2005
I have a longterm boyfriend. When we first got together, which was in our teens, I basically dropped my friends. I was not into the same things they were, and we were increasingly growing apart. I have never been into the things that my peers are. I despise the taste of alcohol, I don't like to talk negatively about people, and other things that i would consider "dumb." Rather than tell you what doesn't interest me, I will tell you what does. In my spare time, I'd much rather do something active than meet at someone's house, drink, and stare at each other waiting to be entertained. I'd rather go bowling, hiking, dancing, or if I am feeling low-key, watch a movie, go shopping, etc.

I have no friends. I have more acquaitances than I can possibly count, but I have no true friends. It's like the people that I know are being polite, and i am being polite to them. No one ever wants to hang out, or if they do, it's something I'm not interested in doing. Or, if someone does seem to want to be my friend, they seem overbearing and bothersome to me. I am a female, and have never really had any male friends. A lot of girls would rather sit around and get sexied up and try to figure out how to score a guy, or so it seems, and I am not talented enough when it comes to physical things(sports) to present a fun time/challenging time to guy. The only people that seem interested in hanging out are females, and the ones that do get to me. For instance, a girl I live with is frequently trying to get me to do stuff with her, like workout. I like to work out alone. ADditionally, she wanted me to change my schedule so we could work out together. A lot of times, these girls are just looking for someone that they can talk to about THEMSELVES and THEMSELVES ONLY. I am a great listener, and yet, they never seem to care what i have to say about my life.

I am by no means a hermit. I am student and I have outside activities, including a job. Nor am I shy or keep to myself. Don't think I am overly confident or cocky or arrogant because that is clearly not me, i dont think anyone has ever thought that about me.

I don't want to go out all the time, but I would like to have somewhat of a social life. I like to have options!

I feel like there is no one in the world that i can relate to. My boyfriend and I have some very distinct and dramatic differences. I am not completely happy with the way he treats me, nor with the way I treat him. I need to vent a little. For valentine's day, he didn't do anything. We made love that day, but that isn't out of the ordinary. We are both students, pressed for time and energy and money, so I understood. However, i'd be lying to say i wasn't a little disappointed. all over the university people were selling stuff, so i thought maybe he would get me a flower. i even saved my orange juice carton to use as a vase. i suppose i set myself up for disappointment.

as of late, i feel like he thinks he is in love with me, but i don't think he really is. i think i am just here, now, and as close to his "ideal" as he has been able to meet. i feel like i am a habit that is much easier to keep than to break.

i feel like no one on this planet really even cares about my existence. No one admires me, no one pursues me. "When it comes down to it, we all just want to be loved." I don't feel loved. I feel rejected in some ways. People aren't interested in being my close friend, my boyfriend is too busy, and how do i feel about myself? I don't hate myself, i think i'm pretty great. it's just that nobody else seems to think so, which results in one wondering about his/her existence and self-concept...

comment, please!

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