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Toxic friend?
Feb 20, 2005
Hi everyone. I really don't know where to begin, but I've been feeling frustrated to the max lately and I don't know if I can take much more. I need some support/suggestions. It seems that I have such an easy time making great friends here on the boards, and yet the people in real life don't even come close to the people I meet here. I am generally a nice person and I respect others and treat them well. I have a few friends who can always count on me but lately I am very disappointed with these friendships.

It seems that everyone is taking me for granted and not respecting me at all. My "best friend" whom I know since college has always been extremely critical, but lately she's been worse than ever. She tells me it's my fault that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm "too nice" or she calls me a "pushover," or she says it's my attitude because I "look miserable." However, whenever I do find someone to go out with, she always criticizes him too, sometimes even without meeting the person! She always had one reason or another to call each one of my boyfriends "a loser." Basically, she makes me feel completely horrible pretty much each time I speak to her. I've known her for a long time and once I got so sick of her criticism that I stopped speaking to her for nearly two years. Then she resurfaced again and for a short while she was nice, but now it's back to her old personality. She makes me feel worthless and horrible with her blunt, critical remarks. I would gladly get out of this friendship again, but unfortunately we're in the same program in grad school and I have to see her pretty much every day and we have to do some group projects together. I am not sure how to handle this situation best.

Another problem is that, sadly, she is my closest friend at the moment. I had other friends but one of them got married and moved away, and has become so preoccupied with her husband and child that she rarely even returns my phonecalls now, and others, too, are in relationships and seem to be content just talking on the phone from time to time. I find myself becoming increasingly lonely, especially on weekends. Why do women have a tendency of dropping off the face of the earth once they're in a relationship?? I was so lonely and bored this weekend that I agreed to go out with my ex boyfriend. He was supposed to call me and we were supposed to go out tonight to dinner and perhaps to see a movie. Of course, the jerk didn't even bother to call, and when I called him, there was no answer. I am frustrated beyond belief!!! WHAT is it in me that invites such mistreatment?? I don't understand. When I make plans with someone, I keep them unless something major happens, and then I make sure to call and cancel and apologize. I am at my witt's end right now. I'm so hurt and angry. I can't help but thinking that I am completely insignificant and that nobody gives a s**t about me despite that I'm always respectful and a good friend. I sent a bunch of cute, friendly e-cards on Valentines day to my friends, just to show them I care and value them, and no one even bothered to say "Thank you." What am I doing wrong? How can I change? How can I be more respected and treated the way I treat others? I can't "break up" with most of my friends because then I'll be completely alone. But what should I do? :rolleyes:
Re: Toxic friend?
Feb 20, 2005
Hi Goody! Yes, she is the same friend. Good memory. I suppose she could be right that some of my sadness and past disappointments could be seen sometimes in my attitude, although I try my best to be in a good mood in public. But I suspect that no matter what, she would still criticize me. When I was with my fiance and happy, she was the same way. She would say bad things about him, or would say I had small breasts, or whatever. She likes to act as if she were always right. I think on some level she loves to see me miserable and without a boyfriend. She always had this weird competition going on with me because we were both very good students in college and I was the one with a serious boyfriend while she never had any. Deep down she is a very insecure person so she likes to make others, especially me, feel bad about themselves. But she hides it under the guise of being a "good friend" to me and calls the blunt critical remarks "being honest," and "for my own good." She says it's "tough love." Well, I've had enough of tough love in my life. In fact, that's all I EVER experienced, and I don't really appreciate it.

I don't know, Goody... I guess I am becoming more and more miserable. I cry all the time now. It's either I cry or I feel extremely angry because I just can't stand my life anymore. It's not the way it was supposed to be, and I had such great plans and such good intentions, and somehow they all turned out wrong. I am starting to feel like I am living in some unfriendly alternative universe. All my efforts are met with resistance and futility. Whoever I treat with kindness repays me with the opposite. I mean, that ex boyfriend I just mentioned, I used to treat him so well. I took care of him when he was sick, I went to pick him up at the hospital, and I was always there for him. He promised to marry me for years and never delivered. He still calls me sometimes and tells me he loves me and that he knows I am the one for him, and yet he can't even keep his word and keep the plans we had. I must be doing something wrong. Only I don't know how to change, Goody, and I desperately need to change because my life, as is, is unbearable to me.





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