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Don't know if you've been following my threads, but tell me if i'm being unreasonable... and be honest.

On Easter Sunday, my daughter is making her First Communion. The following day, my ex is moving my son and daughter down to Florida (I live in Indy).
After the communion, the ex is having a lunch celebration for my daughter. The ex's extended family will be their as well a mine. My GF is so mad because I expect her to go as well. She keeps saying, "I'm not going to put on a happy face and kiss the ___. I won't even be in the same room with her or her parents, etc. I mean, pi$$ed off that I even have the audacity to ask her to attend.
Today we got in a huge argument about it. She doesn't understand why we can't have a seperate party for her and thinks i'm "once again" catering to my ex. She is so insecure about my ex, it's really is ridiculous. I told her that I expect her there to show her respects to my daughter, and have explained over and over to her that I don't want to do it either... but it's for my daughter... no one else. She doesn't get it. Just a month ago we had a party for her son at a local "party center" and his dad was there. I go out of my way to talk to him and be cordial and have tried to explain that that's no different than i'm asking of her. She disagrees wholeheartedly.
So, for most of the day, I was getting the silent treatment. I finally asked her if she still wanted to do this. She said, "Not if I have to spend my Easter with that __ and her family". I said don't come. She finally says, "I don't think I want to do this anymore." She just stomped out of the house and, of course, i'm here with my kids and her son. She said when she gets back, she'll start packing. You know, right now I don't even care. I'm about wore out myself. I tried to use her uncle's funeral as an example telling her that your mom was there, so was you dad(they hate each other). I said, "sometimes events are going to happen which is going to force me to co-exist with ex's". She's unreasonable. Really, I cannot reason with her about this... so, she's leaving.
I'm almost a bit relieved, although it really hasn't even sunk in yet. I'm sure i'll be back often for support once reality sets in. But right now, I want her on the "3 day plan". They need to be out in 3 days. She is soooo damn selfish. I've given her a lot!!! Really... when I realistically look at this relationship, I don't know what i'm getting out of it except for companionship and incredible sex. Other than that, i'm the only one giving in the relationship.
Do you think she's got a point? Am I wrong for expecting her to attend? I think we should be mature enough to attend a lunch dedicated to my daughter the day before she moves away from me. What are your thoughts?
Well, even if your ex wife has actively tried to interfere with this relationship, that's still no reason for her to call your ex the C word in front of your ex's kids. She is still their mother, and it affects them hearing daddy's new lady friend calling their mom bad names. I wouldn't say she's being selfish so much as just very immature and very insecure, but it has the same affect. If it were me, no matter how big a bi*** your ex had been to me, I'd swallow my pride and attend the lunch as your SO, welcoming your daughter into my circle of love as someone who loves this little girl's daddy, and anyone who didn't like it could pi$$ off. Perhaps she's just not strong enough to do that. It's not an easy thing. It's a shame, but if she's not willing to extend a little effort, then perhaps she'd be better off with someone who doesn't have an ex and children from a previous marriage. She obviously can't deal with it very well. In any event, with your daughter is where you should be on Easter Sunday before she leaves to go live in another state. Good for you for knowing that. Maybe a second little celebration later that evening at home with just you, the kids and your new SO would have been nice as an extra little intimate family thing, but not to appease your SO.
I have NOT followed any other posts of Ed's, so I am only to give interim advice and opinion right now...

Keeping in mind that we are only hearing one side of the story... it seems that Ed has got his head on straight and that his girlfriend is the one who is the MOST insecure in this relationship. She's "acting out" and seeking all the attention. The party for his daughter is an event where she will NOT be the main attraction -- and it brings home the fact that Ed had a life before her and that he COULD have a life AFTER her if he so chooses. This exacerbates her insecurities. By getting angry and using his ex as an excuse for her own behavior, she is transferring the blame because she is unwilling to accept her own flaws which are much more obvious to her than she is letting on.

Ed is being logical about all this -- he's looking out for his daughter and cannot understand why ONE DAY devoted to the kid is so hard for his girlfriend to manage. And truthfully, he's right about that. An adult should NEVER be selfish like this at the expense of a child's happiness.

FOR NOW -- RIGHT NOW, Ed needs to let this slide, provided the girlfriend keeps her word and attends the event and is polite to the other guests. Ed needs to do this for the sake of his daughter and keeping the peace within his family and extended family, and this includes his girlfriend.

Nothing will be gained by arguing the topic right now. It's just a couple weeks away. Hopefully his girlfriend will keep her word, act grown-up about it, and end her selfish behavior immediately.

If she does not, Ed should gently remind her that this is for his little girl -- and that his little girl is very important to him. He should tell his girlfriend that it will make both him and his daughter extremely happy to see everyone they love getting along, even if it is just for one day, and even if everyone isn't really friends -- it will just be nice to have a very pleasant day that his daughter can treasure in her memory. This point should be stressed sweetly but firmly -- this day will become a memory for his daughter -- NO ONE should screw that up.

I think his girlfriend will see the logic in that. She might also be reminded that after this day is over, the daughter will be gone and the ex will be gone and she will be the one to return home with Ed. She will certainly sacrifice a few hours of her time when she realizes that this is ALL it is -- a few hours of her time.

AFTER THAT, if issues that are of similar nature arise, THEN Ed needs to sit down with this gal and have some detailed discussions as to where the relationship is headed. Ed needs to think this through on his own, too. Perhaps with the ex out of the picture things will change for the better. Perhaps not. What's important is to keep things on an even keel at this moment so that his daughter can enjoy her day with Dad and the rest of her family. The relationship can be debated AFTER this is all over. Ed can use the next couple weeks to ponder a few things and come up with some questions of his own -- but he should not allow his girlfriend's selfish behavior to ruin the upcoming holiday.

If she back-peddles and start whining again, he should remind her as discussed above that this day is for the kid. If she refuses to accept that and vows to make everyone miserable, she should NOT attend the family function. Ed can deal with her after it is over and when his child is not involved anymore. If she refuses to attend -- Ed will get a really good glimpse into her true personality. If she does attend and acts like a mature adult -- Ed can give her the credit she deserves and they can continue to work on their relationship.

Ed is doing the right thing for his daughter and should continue in this fashion, putting aside his own personal and emotional issues with regard to his girlfriend and his ex so that his kid can have a happy holiday. He's got plenty of time AFTER to put himself first. For now, it's about the kid. After Easter, it's all about Ed.





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