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Relationship Health Message Board


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Well, M1, I may tell you some things you may not want to hear, but I'm not scolding you or slapping your wrists, only to make you aware that actions have consequences, and what you do can affect other people's lives, not just yours.

First, you said a couple of times that you don't even like this girl you've been seeing, but you're too scared to be alone to leave her. I fell in love once with a man who was fairly new to town and was lonely and met me and thought I was cute and fun. He never loved me, or even cared about me, but he failed to be honest with me and he kept me around and wasted two years of my life to keep from dealing with being lonely and on his own. When he was finally ready to deal with being alone and going out and concentrating on finding a woman he could love, he left me. 7 years later, I still cry myself to sleep every night and my heart still hurts so much I can barely breathe sometimes. I don't hear you taking this girl's feelings into consideration at all. What if she's falling in love with you, and here you are knowing you don't want to be with her but are just using her to keep from having to deal with feelings of loneliness that we all have to struggle with in our lives? Even if she's a real party girl and yolu think she wouldn't be fazed at all by you letting her go because you never cared for her, she's still a fellow human being who deserves honesty and respect. Your life and character isn't measured just by how well you obtain the things you want in life, but also how you treat other people along the way.

We all get lonely and we all want someone to share our lives with, but it takes time. It doesnt happen overnight, and before you have a wife, you are going to have to have a girlfriend. Probably at least a few before you find the right one. It can be hard on a heart, but it's all part of the process of finding love.

As far as your stepbrother, life often doesnt' seem fair. People oftentimes get things in life they don't really seem to deserve or appreciate. But if he's a jerk to his girlfriend, she only takes it because she probably has low self esteem, which isn't healthy. Sooner or later, she'll get sick of being treated badly. When it comes to love, one of the best things you can do is "keep your side of the street clean" so to speak. By that, I mean being the best you that you can be. Staying away from drugs and excessive drinking, paying your bills on time and being responsible are big steps in the right direction, but the other part of that is building confidence in yourself, feeling comfortable in your own skin and feeling good about who and what you are, where you are in life, and what you have to offer, and being secure. And also being able to deal with being alone. If you can be alone and be ok, and love like you're not afraid to be alone, then you will have the strong sence of self that women will find attractive and you will have more of yourself to bring to a relationship. It's one of God's cruel little jokes on the human race: we are never as unattractive to other people as when we are the most needy and desperate for company and companionship.

From the way you describe your feelings with your girl and her friends sounds like you may be dealing with some type of social anxiety. Feeling jittery, nervous, uneasy, sweaty, and tongue-tied in social situations will only make it more difficult to meet your soul mate. Even when you meet the girl of your dreams, a nice quiet homebody like you, you're still going to have to deal with her friends and family. What if her best friend hates you for no reason? What if she's really close to her mom and her mom is really talkative and outgoing? You shouldn't want to use a relationship to cocoon yourself and hide away from the rest of the world. Relationships aren't meant to be shelters from the world. They are a way of becoming our best selves by sharing and compromising with this person, and the two of you sharing what you have with the rest of the world. Perhaps this anxiety is something you should consider looking into dealing with.

I hope you don't feel I came down on you too hard, just some things I've learned through hard-won experience. Good luck to you. :wave:





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