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[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Anyway, sorry I got off track a little, but why I was asking about how much sould searching you've done about your ex and where it ran into the ditch, have you considered contacting your ex, maybe just one last time, to just lay it all on the table about what you did wrong, what you think you could do better, and what you needed from him, and how you still feel, and let the chips fall where they will? If I could rewind time 7 years, I think maybe I would have done this with my ex. Maybe it might not have been such a good idea with me, since he dumped me 3 times and obviously never really gave a crap about me, but if you think your ex ever really loved you, maybe it's something you might consider, just so you can say "I was honest, I laid it all on the line, and I have no regrets." Normally, I wouldn't suggest going back to an ex who has dumped you. But if you still feel this strongly about it, maybe it's worth examining one more time? Could you live with it if he looks at you and says "eh, no thanks." I don't know, what do you think?[/QUOTE]

Good Morning Nini, Goody, Ruth, and everyone :wave: This is another thread that's bound to accumulate 600 posts and get honorably closed one day. Because so many people can relate to the topic.

But anyway, I don't think contacting my ex is a good idea at this point. When we dated almost four years ago, he did sometimes act like a jerk and we fought a lot about stupid things. He has a mind that processes things with a speed of 300,000 km/sec, so sometimes he can be very self-righteous and not very patient with people who don't admit he's always right ;) . The last time he contacted me, I did try to discuss the reason for our breakup and I told him that we were both doing things that sabotaged our relationship, but they weren't bad enough in my opinion to not try again. I know it was partially my fault; I could have just ignored some things and let them go instead of getting into an argument over them. I could have been more easy-going to counterbalance his tendency to be a bit inflexible and controlling. So, he admitted that it was partially his responsibility, but also told me something that makes me believe he might have broken up with me even if things went perfectly smoothly. He admitted that he has issues about commitment (oh, is there ever anything new??!) and other issues that he has to come to terms with for himself. He is one of these people who overanalyze things to death in their mind and whose perfectionist ideas keep them paralyzed in fear of making the wrong move. I know he dated two girls after me and he said they were nice to him (as opposed to me, the b**ch---Ha!) and there was no fighting and that ours was the worst relationship. So I said "why aren't you with them then if they made you so happy and why are you always coming back to me, the person who drives you crazy?" And he couldn't really answer that question. Said that for some reason he couldn't develop feelings for them and something was just missing.

So you see, the guy just really doesn't know what he wants. He would say and do conflicting things. When we went out a few times the last time, he would hold my hand in public, kiss me, and call me sweet names, acting completely like a boyfriend. We would go to the movies together, dinner, drinks, or just hang out and watch a video--and we didn't fight at all. Then he would say we're not back together. I didn't want to torture myself in this rollercoaster so that's why I told him not to call. And he hasn't, in almost three months. I can't be the first one to call him now, my pride doesn't let me. He knows fully well that I want to be with him, so if he wanted to call, he would. If he finds someone else he'd rather be with--c'est la vie. I would hate that but at the same time, I only want to be with him if he freely chooses me over any other woman that's out there. I don't want it any other way so I'm not going to chase him. Maybe his 33rd birthday will make him grow up :rolleyes:
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Aaah, ok. I still think you didn't really "screw up" Nini. Try to see this as the way things were supposed to be. I mean, I can completely relate to that feeling of "if only I had done this differently or have said this or didn't say that..." but the only thing that leads to is a heavy feeling of guilt and hopelessness. So I prefer not to think about it. Also, I see my sister and some of my married friends having the same arguments about stupid things with their husbands that I had wiht my boyfriend, and yet they don't dwell on these petty little things and realize that no two people will always agree on everything, and they simply get over it. The next day everything is grea again. I understand breaking up over some major issues like disagreement on whether to have children or not, or cheating, or abuse, etc., but it sounds like in your relationship (and mine), there were no issues of monumental importance and whatever arguments happened were about insignificant things not worthy of breaking up over. So, in the end, I think you didn't really "blow it" or "screw up" and it was really just an excuse on the part of your ex. And the same with my ex, I think. I think the REAL issue was that he's just really terrified of being in a relationship that might actually go somewhere. You will laugh but most of his previous girlfriends were living abroad and only staying here for a few months on some job contract, and he knew they would be going back to their countries so there was very little chance of things turning serious, you know. I was the only one who lived locally and didn't have any plans to relocate to another continent anytime soon :D[/QUOTE]

Well, the main differences were moral and political differences on issues like abortion, homosexuality, and that typeof stuff. And as time went by, the chasm got wider and wider, and by the end, I got so frustrated that I said things I didn't even mean or really believe, just to play devil's advocate or to just end the disagreement or whatever. And I was such a control freak I became really nitpicky about things like whether he put his shoes on the bed and stuff like that. Now of course, all that seems so stupid and I just don't know why I couldn't just let it be and be more respectful to his ways and attitudes. That's why this is so hard for me. I don't feel like I just lost a boyfriend, oh well, easy come easy go. I feel like I lost my whole life. I lost my chance to have a home, to have a happy relationship, to love someone, to ever make love to a man, to have babies, a family, all my hopes and dreams, everything I ever wanted, I lost when I lost him. Now the TT elephant has the life I could have had if I hadn't been so stupid and just let things go. My silly anal retentiveness cost me my entire life. I'll probably never forgive myself for it.

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