It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=SophiaM]Aaah, ok. I still think you didn't really "screw up" Nini. Try to see this as the way things were supposed to be. I mean, I can completely relate to that feeling of "if only I had done this differently or have said this or didn't say that..." but the only thing that leads to is a heavy feeling of guilt and hopelessness. So I prefer not to think about it. Also, I see my sister and some of my married friends having the same arguments about stupid things with their husbands that I had wiht my boyfriend, and yet they don't dwell on these petty little things and realize that no two people will always agree on everything, and they simply get over it. The next day everything is grea again. I understand breaking up over some major issues like disagreement on whether to have children or not, or cheating, or abuse, etc., but it sounds like in your relationship (and mine), there were no issues of monumental importance and whatever arguments happened were about insignificant things not worthy of breaking up over. So, in the end, I think you didn't really "blow it" or "screw up" and it was really just an excuse on the part of your ex. And the same with my ex, I think. I think the REAL issue was that he's just really terrified of being in a relationship that might actually go somewhere. You will laugh but most of his previous girlfriends were living abroad and only staying here for a few months on some job contract, and he knew they would be going back to their countries so there was very little chance of things turning serious, you know. I was the only one who lived locally and didn't have any plans to relocate to another continent anytime soon :D[/QUOTE]

Well, the main differences were moral and political differences on issues like abortion, homosexuality, and that typeof stuff. And as time went by, the chasm got wider and wider, and by the end, I got so frustrated that I said things I didn't even mean or really believe, just to play devil's advocate or to just end the disagreement or whatever. And I was such a control freak I became really nitpicky about things like whether he put his shoes on the bed and stuff like that. Now of course, all that seems so stupid and I just don't know why I couldn't just let it be and be more respectful to his ways and attitudes. That's why this is so hard for me. I don't feel like I just lost a boyfriend, oh well, easy come easy go. I feel like I lost my whole life. I lost my chance to have a home, to have a happy relationship, to love someone, to ever make love to a man, to have babies, a family, all my hopes and dreams, everything I ever wanted, I lost when I lost him. Now the TT elephant has the life I could have had if I hadn't been so stupid and just let things go. My silly anal retentiveness cost me my entire life. I'll probably never forgive myself for it.
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Well, the main differences were moral and political differences on issues like abortion, homosexuality, and that typeof stuff. And as time went by, the chasm got wider and wider, and by the end, I got so frustrated that I said things I didn't even mean or really believe, just to play devil's advocate or to just end the disagreement or whatever. And I was such a control freak I became really nitpicky about things like whether he put his shoes on the bed and stuff like that. Now of course, all that seems so stupid and I just don't know why I couldn't just let it be and be more respectful to his ways and attitudes. That's why this is so hard for me. I don't feel like I just lost a boyfriend, oh well, easy come easy go. I feel like I lost my whole life. I lost my chance to have a home, to have a happy relationship, to love someone, to ever make love to a man, to have babies, a family, all my hopes and dreams, everything I ever wanted, I lost when I lost him. Now the TT elephant has the life I could have had if I hadn't been so stupid and just let things go. My silly anal retentiveness cost me my entire life. I'll probably never forgive myself for it.[/QUOTE]

Hi Nini, I apologize in advance if I'm way off base here or overstepping my bounds, but it occurs to me having followed your posts for quite some time now that part of your trouble moving past your ex may be related to how you seem to view what happened in two very different ways. Sometimes it sounds like your relationship with your ex was doomed from the start, like when you write that you think he never really cared, just didn't want to be alone, if he was able to leave you behind and move on so easily. But then other times it comes across as a relationship that did have the potential for long-term success if only you had acted differently, knowing then what you know now. But in reality, only one of these portrayals can be accurate (or at least, one is more accurate than the other). From what you've said about his ridiculously stubborn, extreme beliefs (which seem like an excuse to pick fights with you and an excuse why you and he wouldn't be compatible in the long run), his immature and unfair treatment of you, his going back and forth on issues like whether he loved you and wanted to be together in the long term, his trying to end the relationship several times before he finally broke it off for good,, etc., it seems like the first scenario is more accurate. Of course I have no way of knowing this for sure, because I only have your posts to go by and just have to guess at what he was thinking.

But anyway, my point here is that by viewing what happened in such drastically different and mutually exclusive ways, you may be doing yourself a great disservice. By thinking that you did find your soulmate and unfortunately blew your one chance at happiness and long-term partnership, you're beating yourself up and putting all the blame for the failure of that relationship on your own shoulders. And by thinking that he never really cared and that the relationship wouldn't have lasted no matter what you did because he just wasn't into it, you're also beating yourself up by assuming that there was something about you (that wasn't true of the elephant or any of his other girlfriends) that turned him off and drove him away. From everything you've said, it doesn't sound like either scenario is entirely accurate, but that's not really my point here. I just think that by simultaneously believing both versions of what happened, you're trapping yourself in an unhappy, guilty cycle. It's almost like you're being twice as hard on yourself by thinking both explanations are accurate, while if you believed in only one of these explanations, you might have an easier time accepting what happened and therefore taking an important step toward moving on. But as it is, if you simultaneously believe that you blew your one chance at happiness and that he was never interested enough for things to have worked out no matter what you did, you're trapping yourself into seeing the situation as both tragic and hopeless. Honestly, I don't think you blew your one chance at happiness, because I don't think your ex is capable of happiness. While you assume he's living happily ever after with the elephant, it sounds to me like he's a very confused and miserable person, and I highly doubt that magically changed after he left you. Real soulmates and truly committed life partners would never say "I love you" and then take it back or try to break up numerous times with their partner--anyone who could behave this way, in my view anyway, doesn't have what it takes to form the kind of lifelong loving bond that you hold up (quite rightly) as ideal, one that couples like the Cashes were lucky enough to find.

Anyway, like I said, I'm sorry if I'm completely wrong here. It just seems that as long as you continue to believe both versions of what happened, you'll always blame and punish yourself for the relationship ending. But in reality, I don't think there's anything you could have done to make things work out differently--HE'S the one who messed up a chance at real happiness. None of the actions you describe--nagging, criticizing, insecurity, etc.--are dealbreakers; many, many people act the same way and still manage to sustain generally happy, successful relationships. If anything, you were way too good for him--it just doesn't sound like there was anything you could have done to make him see what an idiot he was being. Now instead of being with a woman who truly loves and accepts him, he's with a mean controlling woman who yells at him and constantly bosses him around. I doubt he's much happier than you as you assume...in fact, for all you know, he could be envying you for being single and free rather than trapped in a marriage with a tyrant.

Well, I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but it may help you to reassess your interpretations of what went wrong with your ex and realize that it was not your fault, that you didn't screw it up, and that he was far from your (or any woman's) only shot at lasting love and happiness. At least that's my assessment of it, but I think anyone who has followed your story would agree that what happened was not only not your fault, but also out of your control. That seems to be the conclusion EG has reached, which seems to have helped her move past her ex and find the freedom and contentment she so deserves. I hope that you, Sophia, Lisa, and everyone else who's in the same boat makes the same peace with the past as EG has, as that seems to be the only way to move on and truly open yourself up to other possibilities for love and partnership with the kind of guy you deserve, not a guy who was never good enough for you and never treated you as well as he should have.
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Goody, thanks for the positive advice and mentioning the book, but at the risk of sounding like the downer Nini we've all come to know and be frustrated with, there's simply no possible way I would or could ever "choose" to be happy with being a 40 year old virgin. I can't just ignore the way my body aches and to know I'm going to grow old and the polyps in my uterus are just going to get larger and larger and then surgeries and old age and I'll never know one of the greatest, if not the greatest, pleasure and joy a human can get to experience: Making love with someone they love. These last 7 years of therapy, prozac, chasing hobbies and changing careers and moving and everything else I've done just shows me I need a hand to hold in order to be happy. I have to accept the fact I'll most likely never have one. Which means, I'll probably never be happy. Trying to con myself into trying to believe otherwise just leaves me angry and frustrated. I know it's really hard for people who are married and who have found a mate, or at least who have had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend in their life, it's impossible for you to understand where I'm coming from, but trust me. This is just how my life was supposed to play out. I had my shot, it came at the wrong time or I was too stupid or whatever, but I blew it. That's all there is to say about that. But chin up y'all. I'm the exception, not the rule, so Lisa and Sophia and all you other wonderful singletons, keep at it. I know you all will find your princes.[/QUOTE]


I wonder if you can guess what song just popped on my radio station???? How about....."And She Will Be Loved".....and since Goody is all about signs that is a sure one, my 40 year old polyp infested virginal friend :eek: Of course I will post some of the words but not after I give you my usual Goody lecture :eek: And why should your 40th birthday leave you exempt from that!!!

At the risk of going a bit over the edge....my best friend has had the wonderful opportunity to read this thread and she asked me if I was prepared to be posting here for the next 20-30 years??? I thought about it for one millasecond and said yes of course but I couldn't help imagining you & Oprah eating pureed Gourmet foods together in the same room :D :D

OUCH....yes I guess I fit into the married, having a mate and at least more than one boyfriend category of not understanding where you're at :nono: Sorry.....Nini, but the times I received the most help and got out of my [B]darkest moments[/B] in my life weren't with the help of somebody who was exactly in Goody's two shoes but from people who genuinely cared. They chose to understand because they cared and saw me as somebody who was worth caring for. And I am hoping that you will see that as well.

I knew how difficult this day was going to be for you and I am still here with ((((HUGS))))) and hope and faith to tell you that it's going to be okay. and another song just came on that I think is more appropriate..."White Flag".... and so I post it in honor of your 40th........

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I believe in you and always will

I love you, my friend......Goody :wave:





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:59 PM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!