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[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Goody, thanks for the positive advice and mentioning the book, but at the risk of sounding like the downer Nini we've all come to know and be frustrated with, there's simply no possible way I would or could ever "choose" to be happy with being a 40 year old virgin. I can't just ignore the way my body aches and to know I'm going to grow old and the polyps in my uterus are just going to get larger and larger and then surgeries and old age and I'll never know one of the greatest, if not the greatest, pleasure and joy a human can get to experience: Making love with someone they love. These last 7 years of therapy, prozac, chasing hobbies and changing careers and moving and everything else I've done just shows me I need a hand to hold in order to be happy. I have to accept the fact I'll most likely never have one. Which means, I'll probably never be happy. Trying to con myself into trying to believe otherwise just leaves me angry and frustrated. I know it's really hard for people who are married and who have found a mate, or at least who have had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend in their life, it's impossible for you to understand where I'm coming from, but trust me. This is just how my life was supposed to play out. I had my shot, it came at the wrong time or I was too stupid or whatever, but I blew it. That's all there is to say about that. But chin up y'all. I'm the exception, not the rule, so Lisa and Sophia and all you other wonderful singletons, keep at it. I know you all will find your princes.[/QUOTE]


I wonder if you can guess what song just popped on my radio station???? How about....."And She Will Be Loved".....and since Goody is all about signs that is a sure one, my 40 year old polyp infested virginal friend :eek: Of course I will post some of the words but not after I give you my usual Goody lecture :eek: And why should your 40th birthday leave you exempt from that!!!

At the risk of going a bit over the edge....my best friend has had the wonderful opportunity to read this thread and she asked me if I was prepared to be posting here for the next 20-30 years??? I thought about it for one millasecond and said yes of course but I couldn't help imagining you & Oprah eating pureed Gourmet foods together in the same room :D :D

OUCH....yes I guess I fit into the married, having a mate and at least more than one boyfriend category of not understanding where you're at :nono: Sorry.....Nini, but the times I received the most help and got out of my [B]darkest moments[/B] in my life weren't with the help of somebody who was exactly in Goody's two shoes but from people who genuinely cared. They chose to understand because they cared and saw me as somebody who was worth caring for. And I am hoping that you will see that as well.

I knew how difficult this day was going to be for you and I am still here with ((((HUGS))))) and hope and faith to tell you that it's going to be okay. and another song just came on that I think is more appropriate..."White Flag".... and so I post it in honor of your 40th........

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I believe in you and always will

I love you, my friend......Goody :wave:
[QUOTE=GirlHarley]WAIT....I thought it was just this one guy that taught you this, and it wasn't your whole life span - How many years did you date?

Actually, how long did you date before you became Boyfriend/Girlfriend item?[/QUOTE]


Oh, sorry if I confused you GH! Well, no, really, I was always the kid in class that got beat up and picked on and stuff, so self esteem and trust in my own capabilities and feeling good in my own skin has always been a challenge for me. I went through college, and did some much needed growing up, but still now real good with people, being comfortable around them, etc. I had oh, about 8 years of the real world under my belt, and got a lot stronger than I was in college. I had gotten to a point really where I was almost ok with being alone and the probability of always being alone when I met the ex. I wasn't sure about him, but decided to take a plunge. I really wasn't sure I was going to get really emotionally involved, but it just turned out that way. The more I got to know him, the more we seemed to have in common, and then, the more we didn't have in common. And I guess I made the mistake of putting him in the position of being the guy who's going to give me all the love I never had all these years, make up for everything, and make everything wonderful from here on out. it's not like he's the only one in the world who ever lied to me or hurt me, I was just counting on him to be the one person I could trust, who wouldn't hurt me, who wouldn't be ok with disappointing me, etc. He sort of represented a turn around in my life. For the first time since I was 12, I had friends, people to hang out with, I had somewhere to go every weekend, I danced, I laughed, I felt alive. I think it was a combination of him leaving and losing all of his friends and that life, then my best friend disappearing on me so soon afterward that just, was like the straw that broke the camel's back, if you will. It's like, something inside just broke, I can't even say what, but I just don't feel "right" anymore. I shake and get tongue tied when I didn't use to, I cry all the time when I didn't use to, I feel powerless and overwhelmed when I used to feel like "ok, this situation stinks but I can handle it, it'll be ok, I can make something good come of this", just, something I can't really describe, I just haven't been "right" since. I mean, my life has rarely been what I would call "great," never dated, didn't go to prom, my brother got sick, spent my 18th birthday visiting him in the loony bin, never really had any of that Norman Rockwell stuff that Americans think of when they think of a happy childhood and adolescence, but I always just had a feeling that no matter how bad it is now, I can still make it come out ok. I just don't have that feeling anymore.





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