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Relationship Health Message Board

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Having a hard time
Mar 17, 2005
Hi everyone,
I frequent a few of other healthboards (digestive, anxiety) and I just happened to come across this one. I wanted to tell my story and try to get some input from you sweet people. Warning: It will be long!! lol

Just about two months ago my boyfriend of over 4 years broke my heart. He had been acting strangely for several months (maybe 3-4) but every time I asked him what was wrong he said it was nothing. I told him that it worried me that he acted like that, as if something was bothering him about me, but he assured me that I never had to worry about him and that we were "set in stone."

Finally on New Years Eve he was especially weird and I wanted to know what was wrong! He finally admitted to me that something has been bothering him. He said that he felt like our relationship had turned into more of a friendship. He said he didn't want to tell me for those months because he had asked for advice from his friend and his dad and they both said it was normal to feel differently after being together for so long. So he decided that he would try to work it out within himself and not tell me because he knew that I would be upset. He was hoping that he would get over it and never have to bring it up. He said he finally told me because he just didn't feel like it was right to go on like we were, and it was eating him up inside. At that point he didn't want to break up, just wanted to let me know so we could try to figure things out.

Of course the days went on and I tried to act normal but it was impossible with that on my mind. So I asked him about it frequently because now it was eating ME up inside! I wanted to know if he was going to want a break. He continually said that he did NOT want a break, and never wanted to be apart from me. He said that if we did break up, that he thought we could be "best friends." During those few weeks he seemed adimant about not taking a break from each other, but that quickly changed. On January 20th we broke up, and he said that we needed a break so that I could start to move on. He thought that once I started moving on then we could do things as friends.

Just a few notes: he assures me that it was not about anyone else. He did start noticing other girls more, so that confirmed that he needed to tell me, because he had never had any interest in anyone else before. He said he is still very attracted to me, so it's not about that. He says I'll always be beatiful, he'll always love me "it's just different now," says he'd do anything for me, says no girl could ever be as perfect as me. NEVER BE AS PERFECT AS ME? So what is he looking for? He says no relationship could ever be better but he couldn't go on acting like he felt the same. He confuses me!

So at this point we talk on the phone maybe once a week. He calls me, I DO NOT call him because I was in a habbit before and I had to break that. He still calls me "hun," and still says he loves me every time we talk. I had a birthday two weeks ago and he sent me flowers, a balloon, and a card that said he hoped we would "be lifelong friends." I got upset of course, thinking that wasn't the best way to say "happy birthday." He said he wrote that because he wanted to see me but didn't think we were in that place yet where we could get together as friends.

I am still very close with his family, especially his mother. She is hoping that he will come to his senses. She is devistated by this so she told him not to bring girls around because she doesn't want to get attached like this again, only to be let down. See, everyone thought we would be married, including US. He was the one who actually talked about it a lot at first. Basically the plan was we would get married when we finished school (we're both 22 and going to graduate school). There was never a single doubt in my mind that we would always be together. We had the perfect relationship, and he is the nicest/kindest, sweetest, best man I know. I can't imagine any guy treating me better than him, or me loving any man more than I love him.

See, I told you this would be LONG! God bless you if you got through the whole thing!!

I don't really know what kind of insight I'm looking for here...I just wanted to share my story and hopefully hear some opinions or suggestions for how to deal with this. Even though it has been two months it is still a shock to me because I never once thought about us not being together. It is like the unimaginable has happened! Even my guy told me that he is the last person who ever thought this would happen.

It is hard for me to understand what is going thru his head. Everyone feels differently after spending so much time with each other. In my opinion there are plenty of nice people out there but you make a CHOICE and a committment to someone that you love, and can also be best friends with, and stick with them. If he still loves me and wants me as a best friend, and is attracted to me, thinks I am "perfect" then what more is there? What more is he looking for and why doesn't he understand that love like this doesn't come along every day?

Thank you all for listening, it feels good just to get it out!!
Any insight at all would be MUCH appreciated!!

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