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Relationship Health Message Board


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Piranna...

Your conversation with him, might just come back to bite you in the butt. Let me explain. Instead of you just going with your gut as to what YOU think is right or wrong for you and your core values...you came on a forum and let others talk you into valuing their opinions more than your own. Don't be guilted in to betraying what you value as important....by anyone...even your boyfriend. You see, when it comes to drugs, the minute it turns from black and white...to grey...there will be problems.

Now before all of you pro-pot posters go all nuclear on me. I used to party all the time, and pot was by far one of my lessor offenses...as a matter of fact I met my husband by buying him a shot of JD....then we pretty much spent the next week getting drunk and high. But after 6 months of solid partying, we were both tired and decided to clean it up, make a go of our relationship, and just sticking to drinking for recreation. (AND...Just so you know...I didn't push him into it.)

After this mutal decision, we ended up getting married and having our first kid. But he obviously still had all of his old partying friends and had a few slip ups. At first he told me, because he felt all bad. But at some point, he stopped fessing up and feeling bad and I guess it became ok, to have trust in our relationship...except when it came to pot.

Fast forward, several years. My husband would drop off our kid at school every morning. Well at the time I worked at an auto repair shop and he had an appt to get his truck fixed. As per our arrangement, I picked up his truck to take it to my shop to get it fixed. As I was driving, I could here something rolling around in the ash tray and to my surprise when I opened up the ash tray...there was his metal pipe and it had pot in it.

Was I pissed, you bet I was...why, first of all.... because if you make a deal, then be honest and stick to it, don't slink around behind someone elses back. I'm not his momma, and don't appreciate having to act like it.

Secondly, I would have really liked it if everyone at work was talking about how the mechanic found pot in our truck...

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY...what do you think would have happened to our 5 year old son, if my husband had gotten pulled over by cops on the way to work with a loaded pipe in the car. I'm sure my husband would have gotten a ticket/maybe gone to jail...he can deal. But what would have happened to our child if Child Protective Services had to pick up him up and take him away...I can't even begin to imagine how tramatic that would have been at that age.

When I confronted him, he pulled the "big deal" crap, and how he would never get pulled over and that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. Well I will be the first to admit, yeah I was, because there is nothing more important than your kids and the day anyone would put getting high, over your own child's security, you have a serious problem.

I tried to watch to make sure that wouldn't happen again...and oh by the way, like I said, I wasn't his "mamma" and it was humiliating and pissed me off to have to play "Private Investigator" in our own house with my own husband, because I was just trying to protect our kids and make sure that they don't stumble across anything left out by accident.

It was about a year after the pipe in the car, that things rapidly went down hill. At my son's BDay party, we were responsible for picking up the friends and taking them to the pool. We took 2 cars, and when we got to the party, his breath reeked of pot. He had actually smoked pot in between when he left our house and picking up other peoples children and drove them in the car. When I asked about it, who do you think he thought was being unreasonable. And they say pot doesn't affect your judgment? Anyone of you who says "no it doesn't" ...newsflash....sorry but you are now offically a pot head.

I know that I had to pick up his pipe at least 5 times off the couch, because when he would come home from WORK, he would lay down on the couch and it would fall out of his pocket. Then he would get up and go outside, and leave it laying on the couch right out in the open. I guess they had "bring your pot to work day."

My husband had RLS so he sleeps in an upstairs bedroom right across the hall from our kids and I sleep downstairs in another bed because otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep, regardless...it was about six months after the Birthday Party incident, that I walked upstairs one night after everyone was in bed, to take some laundry up and there was the reeking scent of pot. He did have his door closed but I'm sorry, he had a five year old and a baby across the hall. Thank god, the kids were asleep.

Well the next day, I went upstairs to throw the crap away...but what I found was so much worse than just pot. Not only was the pipe sitting right out on the bedside table where anyone could see it, but so was aluminum foil with burn marks and the tube from a bic pen and some razor blades. Well if you guys can't figure it out.....he and his buds...those great friends...had all started smoking meth and I guess had been for around 6 months.

Geeze...let's talk about what an excellent idea that is for a 35 year old man with a family, to do...especially when our kids are sleeping 15 feet away. We are not talking a 20 year old kid. He put our whole family at risk, by having the crap and by hanging out at his friends house , which BTW had at the time become a known drug house. (So much so, that a month after this happened, his "friend's" house was raided and many of them were arrested and charged for meth possession/sales. Wouldn't that be an easy one to explain to our sons who idolize their dad? Or to our parents? Our grandparents? Our small rural community?)

It was wrong on so many levels, I can't even discribe to you what it was like. I was shaking when I realized what he had become. I started searching his room and the garage where he hung out and found 15 razor blades that were black with crap. I found weed, several new pipes, a whole tray that he used for separating his weed. And...I took a lot of photos that day, so there would be no mistake if it came down to going to court....someone had to put the interests of the kids first.

When he got home that night, I took him upstairs and handed him that crap. I told him that I had overlooked the pot even though it was against by better judgment...but this wouldn't be overlooked. I told him that he needed to take a day or two and figure out what in the hell he wanted from his life and where we fit in. I told him that if you stay, then you are done. No more pot, definately no more junk and he was going to get the hell away from the people who associated themselves with this way of life. If he chose the drugs, then we were done. He lost it...which was the first appropriate thing he had done for some time. He cried uncontrolably the whole next day, so bad that he had to leave work and come home.

But honestly, I couldn't even look at him. Up until then we had a great sex life, when I did some research into meth that morning, I found that it's common for people to hit this crap before sex to make sex "better". So I even doubted how honest our sex life was. That was hard. For the first time in our relationship, I not only had to question whether it was him or the drugs that I had made love to, and worse....if he had cheated on me. (Which thankfully I know now that he did not.)

When you are married or in a relationship and are not honest in your relationship, what in the hell is the point? I didn't get it. But when he told me that he was done and that he wanted to stay....I set the terms. I told him no more pot, no more lying about pot or any drugs for that matter. He had to find new friends, that he was done with the scum that had gotten him into that life. I hated it, but I did check on him. I looked though his car and through his garage...because I was not going to put my family at risk....

I am very happy to say, that we made it....and it's been 5 years. He is now the man that I always knew he could be. He got a job that he loves, moved up the ladder quite a bit, takes classes at night and in his free time, he either spends with us or with his new friends.

I wish that we had never had to go through all of this. But I really believed him when we first promised to each other that we were done with drugs and that part of our life. We should have had a better understanding ,because even though he promised, I guess he didn't see using drugs as hurting anyone. Having lived though it....I completely disagree, because with the drug use, came the lying and putting our family at risk...and that hurts.

Let me end with this, if drug use is your lifestyle then by all means....that's your decision, but don't lie and pretend that it's not...just to hold on to a relationship. And don't try to put a spin on things by making it appear that it's something it's not, just to escape trouble or blame. For instance:..."Oh you are just jealous because Im out having fun with friends." (Completely lame, Drugs are not a requirement of having fun with friends. But playing the guilt card is pretty standard for those who actually get caught in any kind of lie.) Whatever you build during that relationship will be based upon lies and distrust. One of the worst feelings I had during the whole ordeal, is that I was forced to dig through his things to make sure that he wasn't using. Humiliation does not foster love.

As for you girl....You need to trust your gut and go with YOUR values...not the values you read here or like I said earlier...even your boyfriends values. I mean really, one of the posters suggested that you really need to go get high with him to know where you stand on drugs??? I agree that marriage requires comprimise, but hopefully not a comprimise in values.

If you are serious about spending your life with this man, then you better decide now if drugs are a deal breaker and let him know where you stand and [B]mean[/B] it. I am not saying leave him, but don't mince words and remember, that this could impact future children as well. It's better to get honest with yourselves now, than to wait until you have everything to loose and your kids end up living the divorced american dream.

Shutter.





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