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Hi,

I'm new to this board, and I really would like ANY input, thoughts or ideas. I don't know what to do or how to handle my mother anymore. I'm 29 and I am scared to start a family because I'm afraid of turning out just like her. I don't even know how to classify her - bipolar, schizophrenic, personality, what?

Since I was a kid, she has been emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive towards me. She has never been able to go more than a few days without getting angry about something. If she has been nice for a day or two, look out, I knew it was coming. Unfortunately I'm an only child, and since my dad was out of town most of my childhood, there was no one to bear witness to or take the brunt of her hatefulness. She told me mean and hurtful things, would lock me in my bedroom without a lamp knowing that I was afraid of the dark, and lots of times just treat me (punish me) as if I were an adult, so I never understood what I ever did wrong. In hindsight, I think she just was annoyed by me.

My next door neighbor started becoming attached to my mom over the years, and they soon became best friends. My mom would take her out to lunch, take her shopping, everything she should have been doing with me. There were many days when she just felt "tired" and didn't even want to leave the house, and the neighbor would constantly be over.

Growing up, she started using drugs, and even though I was constantly grounded for one thing or another, she would let me off the hook if I got drugs for her. Being in high school, this was kind of cool, having as mom that was "in". But it wasn't so cool after I started coming home to my high school classmates that I wasn't even really friends with getting high with my mom. At my senior prom, she got mad at me for whatever reason and sent home my friend who had come over to do my hair (she never went shopping with me or did any "girlie" stuff, so sending her home was a big blow to me on that day, I needed the help). When I came out to ask her how I looked, she told me I looked like a f-ing **** and not to bother coming home.

I wound up moving out at 17 because of her drug use. She was using crystal meth, fighting with my father (who had no idea), and was paranoid about everything and everyone. She tore apart his in-home office once, suspecting him of high felonies and unfaithfulness. Moving out was not my choice. I would come home at night and she would tell me to leave because she was "busy", or "working things out" with my dad. I felt so bad for the friend whose apartment I kept sleeping at that I finally started paying her rent.

I finally tried to do an intervention for her, by telling my father, going to intervention classes, etc. It went poorly, and she not only rubbed her hate for me over doing it in my face for months, but I finally couldn't take it anymore and didn't talk to her (which meant I couldn't talk to my dad either) for 2 years. I was 18. She once even went out to dinner with me and my dad at a restaurant nearby where I informed my dad of her drug use. She got so mad that she stood up and walked home. She claimed that on the way home she was raped. To this day, I still don't believe her. I told her to call me when she got professional help. She never did.

I lived out of state for 1 year, and in that time she never once came to see me, claiming she was "so busy" (although she hasn't worked in years), but managed to take 4 trips to go see her favorite singer around the country. (She has a tendency to become obsessed with things - she gets to liking one thing and then "latches on").

Fast forward to present day. She's still the same, only worse. Everything is about her. You can't make any joke or comment without her thinking it's some ploy to insult her. She seems to hate everyone, and always has a very accusatory tone in her voice ("Ooooohkay, whatever you say ..."). She now claims to be an agoraphobic, but has taken trips to her favorite vacation spot. I spent 6 days in the hospital very seriously ill, but she did not come to see me due to her "illness". We can talk for hours when she decides to be in a good mood, then she'll suddenly get in a bad mood (or maybe mad at me - who knows), and not talk to me for months. She has essentially cut off all contact with the outside world, she doesn't leave the house, she won't check her email and she won't answer the phone.

The most recent contact I've had with her, my fiance and I were invited for Christmas. I tried to ask if we could invite my grandmother (who I did not know she had decided to be mad at), and she called me up and uninvited me. I was so upset that I couldn't breathe. After the dust settled, my dad tried to fix things, and for the first time in her life she apologized to me, inviting me over for New Year's. I accepted, and we had an OK time. As I was leaving, I told my dad I loved him (I think my mistake was I didn't tell her first), and she got upset and went inside. I hadn't talked to her since, until my wedding day last week (of course she wasn't there). I had just talked to my dad on the phone, and he asked me to hang on, I think his intention was to get my mom on the phone and surprise me. In the background I heard her yelling. He got back on the phone, and I asked him if I coud talk to my mom, and he told me she was asleep. About 5 minutes after we hung up, my mom called. She sounded irritated, telling me that my dad woke her up to tell her that I was getting married in 1/2 hour. I tried to brush off her tone, and tried to "include" her in the wedding process by asking her opinion on some jewelry that I described to her. That seemed to change her mood a little. However she kept telling me that it wasn't too late to change my mind if I didn't want to get married. I laughed it off, jokingly asking what she was trying to do, and she got all pissy telling me that after 30 years I should know when she was joking. We said our goodbyes and she wished me luck, and I haven't talked with her since.

Thanks for letting me vent, I'm sorry this was so long. I'm at my wit's end. I almost don't want to have kids because I'm terrified of any learned behavior that I might have gotten from her. I would love to tell her off, but I know it would just come down on my dad. Family gatherings are impossible because of her, and I miss my dad very much. I love him and would love to write her out of my life, but that means I'll have to write off my dad, too. My husband says to forget about her, that we have our own family now, but for some reason I still get so angry and upset with her. Why? If I could just figure out what is wrong with her, I might be better able to understand it - does anyone have any ideas? Also, what should I do about her? Please, any opinions, comments, or even questions are welcome, I'm really desperate at this point.

Thanks in advance!
[QUOTE=americandancer]MIpigpen, is there a pill she could have taken that would have helped? What kind of pill, an anti-depressant or an anti-psychotic? I am not nearly anything such as this mom, but I fear my daughter growing up feeling the same way about me. We fuss a lot and I have said horrible things in the past, mainly out of stress and frustration. Not an excuse, but I am so scared she will feel the same way. If there were a pill to help, I'd take it,no questions asked!

Have you ever told her you were wrong? Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist...if only for a few times so you could get an objective view?
My mother needs to always be right and I think that is due to her parents. I also see that she needs so much love and attention and means to help. Still, she has become worse over the past few months. She is jealous, selfish, critical and never listens to my ideas. Latest...huge...example:

She helped me buy some things for a vacation home. I told her I would pay for her tickets and car rental and hotel if she could help. My health, my husbands health and our marriage is not good. I gave her a very limited $ to spend. she did it her way and on everything I said "no" to, she did double. She charged me for candybars, tolls, books and other crap that no corporation would ever allow. She even forgot to cancel hotel rooms and ended up with an extra 300 dollar bill.

My husband went thru the roof! She lived high on the hog when it was our $. I am so hurt...angry...and still have no really answer as to why??!!

A pill??? Not sure...I don't think so. She's not depressed, she's not bipolar, she's not even "moody". That is almost worse. I think she is just "all about her". If challanged, she attacks. I can't...she's my mom.

a mediator would be great....my mom is so far gone, it will never work..you however, seem willing to reach out.

Remember, you are human. I admit that everyday and it makes me a better mom.

Oops...stole this post!





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