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[QUOTE=cuddlyy]my bf has a best mate and has been since primary school, and iv never agreed with his view on things, he never seems to make the effort to speak to me comin up with the excuse he thought i was scared of him but now iv made it clear im not he STILL says hardly anything to me.But gettin to the point, i think he is a very bad influence on my boyfriend, i remember my bf got a new phone and he warned me that there wer photos of naked women on there, me being annoyed looked at them and my bf deleted them before my eyes,tellin me his mate sent them to his phone whilst they wer hanging out and he just wanted to test out his phone in recieiving images >:( his mate is always talkin about porn and other women and recently, my bf let me use his pc and i came across past links he had looked at in the past week, and i found porn links, but all women and lesbian images, i became very upset and insulted so i confronted my bf and he denyed searchin porn but his mate sent him the links and he only clicked on them cos he wanted to see how funny they wer,he told me he doesnt need that sort of material and hugged me, but i forgot to mention about the lesbian links, which wer looked at on a different date, and now im upset even more and i dont know what to do, should i let him know my feelings about his mate? confront him again but about the lesbian links this time? please help[/QUOTE]

Hi Cuddly,
I am really sorry that you're dealing with such a frustrating situation, not to mention an incredibly rude, insecure, Neanderthal! Unfortunately, there are many things about men that you can't change--their friends and family are at top of that list--and to be honest, if there are more than a few minor things that you want to change about your boyfriend, perhaps you may wantto reevaluate whether or not you're better off with him or without him. Anyone who's ever tried to change him or herself knows that most people don't have an easy time trying (and many don't even want to try). So realistically, you really have to accept a guy "as is" and as a package deal, along with his family, friends, job, exes, and sexual history/preferences. Of course you don't have to (nor want to!!) know every detail about these issues. Still, if his friend and his porn are his biggest faults in your eyes, I would make an effort to balance those in your mind against his good qualities, but ultimately only your instincts will tell you whether you can stay happily in love with a this man. It's really a matter of personal preference in terms of just how much you can and want to accept--but no one's perfect, and unforunately, you may have a lot of trouble finding a man who never looks at porn.

Since you can't change other people's behavior and urges, the only thing you can do is change your reaction. Instead of allowing yourself to feel upset and insulted about it, realize that it is incredibly common, that men consider it meaningless and wouldn't understand why you feel insulted, because it has nothing to do with you. It's just a means to physical gratification--men are not analyzing, critiquing, worrying about, and pondering the negative implications of porn when they use it to masturbate. Would you want your man to be insulted if you read a romance novel, fantasized about a celebrity while masturbating, or rented a movie starring your favorite sexy actor?? I would hope not, because none of this stuff really has anything to do with your partner. The same is essentially true of porn, though you have the right to at least tell your boyfriend that he must respect your feelings and hide it well. I hope that doesn't seem too analytical or cold, because I would not be happy at all to discover my partner looking at porn rather than me. However, while a sizable majority of men do look at porn at least once in awhile, there are also devoted, respectful, and loving men out there who are happy to look only at their girlfriends (I've found a few, and I loved them lots!)

I agree with Nini that you first need to decide how big a deal porn is to you personally. To me it seems like 99% of women who bring that subject up here make all sorts of unfounded assumptions about both porn and themselves when they realize their significant other looks at it. But to guys, there is no emotional component involved in masturbating to porn. The girls are fake, visually appealing, invitingly submissive, anonymous, available, and disposable--after they have enjoyed themselves, men just turn the page. I'm not saying that's a good thing or anything, but everyone needs a form of sexual release. A women often assumes that if her partner looks at porn, then one (or usually more) of these inaccurate statements is true:

1) He's less than satisfied with their sex life
2) He thinks the women in porn are sexier than she is
3) He compares her unfavorably to the women in porn
4) He chooses to look at porn stars, therefore they reflect his "ideal woman" and since she doesn't look like the porn girls, her man must only be "settling" for her.
5) He doesn't love her or desire her as much as he should
6) His watching porn has made him adopt unrealistic expectations for what a woman's body should look like, how she should act during sex, how much a woman should be willing to experiment, and how skillful female lovers should be.
7) She's not enough for him, if only she was _______, maybe then she'd be all that he needed to be aroused and sexually satisfied.
8) He's something along the lines of disgusting/deviant/perverted/misogynistic/sexist/disrespectful toward women
9) If he needs and wants to look at porn, then she must not stimulate and satisfy him sexually.

I really think that many women make porn into a much bigger deal--more threatening, significant, revealing, and disturbing--than it actually is. Unfortunately for women who don't approve of porn, the vast majority of men at least sometimes rely on porn as an essential component of masturbation. Of course, I can totally understand where this reaction comes's hurtful and sickening to think of a man you love masturbating while looking at (and imagining being with!) another woman. But men don't attach nearly as much importance to porn--to them, it's just a way of kick-starting a natural, mechanical body function that brings him pleasure, reduces his stress and tension and relaxes him. It's not all that different from a man being jealous of a woman's vibrator or the fact that she masturbates.

Personally, I am not crazy about the idea of my partner leering and fantasizing about another woman, but there's a big difference between him looking at pictures (or the actual naked body :eek:) of a real life woman he knows versus looking at porn. Men realize that porn stars are supposed to be unrealistic and appeal to men's fantasies; they understand that porn is just pictures/film/words and not intended to be compared to real women and sex. For men, much like women, masturbation is a pleasurable, safe, healthy, and free way to forget about everything for awhile and release frustration in the process. While I'd ideally like a man who would never want or need to look at porn, I wholeheartedly support my partner pleasuring himself whenever he feels the urge and it's appropriate, so long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life. Believe me, if you are an understanding, non-judgemental, creative, and open-minded lover, your man (as long as he's generally happily in the relationship) would never turn down sex with a woman he adores and loves to please in favor of masturbation. While masturbation may be quite enjoyable, reliable, and quick, it's just a simple, predictable physical release. But being with a partner adds an interesting and intense new layer of uncertainty, without which some of the most exciting and enjoyable reactions to touching aren't possible.

I can certainly understand your frustration and uncertainty, and I hope that you have been able to come up with. You're in a tough situation because while someone you love is involved with an activity you find offensive and insulting, you also love him very much and (I'd imagine) you're reluctant to end the relationship over this. Considering that he didn't hurt, lie, cheat, or abuse you in any way, I'm inclined to agree that it might not be a wise decision to leave him over this. But only you can know for sure--you are the only one here who knows what your relationship is like each day, whether he gives you the love, care, and affection that you deserve, and just how much your boyfriend's porn habit and loser friend bothers you and negatively impacts your relationship. Sorry for such a long post...but I hope that one way or another, everything turns out for the best with you and your BF. Take care and good luck! :)

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