It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=lovingyou]It's been only a few days and I MISS HIM terribly! I actually feel sad and I think I am hurting even thought I try not to think about it all the time! but I think I was hoping that my decision will move him a little that he may send me a message but he hasn't! He has not said a single word since our last conversation! I know that realistically I should not expect anything from him because it was my decision to cut the contact completely but I cannot actually accept and imagine that we would not hear from each other! I am seriously doubting my decision!!! I lost someone who I love so much because I decided something that was against my will! It's crazy!! Do you think it would be a mistake to send me him a message? I am scared that if I don't and I will try to contact him later like in a month or so he will not respond to me anymore! It's so hard!! I feel that it was a mistake to close the door completely!! I still love him so much and I still miss him terribly! I miss his messages and his emails! They used to make me happy and now I decided not to be open to him anymore! I took away my happiness by my decision! I think it was wrong??!!! I am sad! I can't deal with the fact that he would not be longer a part of my life! He has been so so important for me and now I rejected him so much! I was stupid!![/QUOTE]

Hi Lovingyou, Julia gave you some excellent advice and I hope you are able to accept what she said. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that most of your posts suggest that you're avoiding seeing this situation as it really is. Unfortunately, it wasn't your choice to end this relationship or for your ex to move on; it was his decision, and there's nothing you can do to change someone's mind once they decide that they no longer want to be with you. I think you still need to move past the first stage of mourning this loss, denial--it sounds like you haven't really let yourself absorb the reality that he no longer wants to be involved in a relationship with you. I've been going through the same sort of thing lately and believe me, I know how hard it is to admit to yourself once and for all that it's over when you still love someone and want to be with them more than anything. But you can't force him to feel the same way, and refusing to accept this fact and believing that what happens with your ex is within your control is denial, a stage that will keep you from proceeding through the grieving process until you if you allow it to linger. Not to mention that the longer you hold out hope that he'll change his mind and come back, the longer denial will keep you stuck in a miserable sort of uncertainty and limbo. I was devestated when my ex left as well, but fortunately for me, the denial phase didn't last long because I forced myself to accept that the relationship was over as soon as that fact became clear. I really think not holding out false hopes of reconciliation after my ex voiced his feelings made my healing process shorter and easier overall. Denial, in my opinion, is the hardest stage of grief to move past, because it involves accepting a painful truth that you really, really don't want to acknowledge. But while it might seem easier and less painful to keep your hope alive that he'll come back, in reality it will just make your healing process more difficult and prolonged. It wasn't your choice to "close the door" on your relationship; therefore, it's not within your control to keep your relationship alive by staying in touch with him. You can talk to him, but that won't being you two back together, and generally I think it's a very bad idea to be friendly with someone who has left you until you are completely and truly over the breakup.

Men who aren't sure if they want to end a relationship don't break up with you--sad as that may be, it's really just that simple. If he was going to change his mind anytime soon, he wouldn't have ended things with you. He's made his choice; the next step for you is to accept his decision and get used to the idea that the relationship is over. Only then will you be able to move on with your life...and trust me, no matter how impossible it seems that you will get over this hurt and feel happy again, it will happen, but not until you move past denial and begin to mourn the loss of your relationship. I'm about a month past that stage and within the past week, I've noticed that I'm starting to be generally happy, confident, and optimistic again, rather than mostly sad, abandoned, and grief-stricken. You too will turn that corner and move forward with your life, but first you need to make a conscious effort to accept that the relationship is over and begin to heal. If you continue to hold out hope of reconciling and refuse to believe that it's really over, your chances of moving on, feeling better, and finding love and happiness again are much lower (and will take much longer). Please learn from the mistakes others here have made following breakups and don't allow yourself to get stuck and never get over this loss. You have your whole life ahead of you, and if this guy isn't smart enough to see what a great woman he had, he isn't the right guy for you. But somewhere there is a guy who will love you permanently and completely, and I know we'd all hate to see you too hungup on your ex to move on and meet the guy who's right for you in the long run. In my view, you should definitely not contact your ex--realize that while you may have decided to cut off communication, he's the one who ultimately made that decision by choosing not to be with you anymore. Please don't beat yourself up and feel stupid for anything you've done...you didn't have a choice about ending the relationship, and the sooner you admit to yourself that he rejected you rather than vice versa, the sooner you can begin to move on with your life and find a guy who really wants to be with you.

PS--Is there any particular reason you use exclamation points at the end of every sentence rather than periods? I've been curious about that for a while if you don't mind explaining...;)
[QUOTE=lovingyou]Thanks everyone for the encouragement... and the support!

I have been trying to be really strong about it but I am feeling so down! Every morning I get up I have tears in my eyes! Every evening I go to bed I think of him, I miss him and I wish I could talk to him! I blocked him on msn but he is signed on every day! I wonder whether he is waiting for me to sign on?

I am so weak! I feel like I can't move on! I still hope and I still feel like it can't be true.. there was such a strong connection between us! Especially now after I had a chat with his flatmate I feel like I should call him or at least email him.. I feel like I want to talk to him once more time before I can finally know that there is no chance whatsoever... I love him! I have never had anyone so deep in my heart like him! It hurts so much every day! I have to work every day and I hate that I have to put on such a false happy face! Inside I am in pain!! I feel like I cannot accept that he would end it! He has asked about me his flatmate so I guess he must be missing me and wondering what is going on too???

I am scared that the no contact will only push him away and will make him not want me anymore! I am scared that he will think that I am no interested and I don't care if I don't talk to him again! I want to contact him so badly!!! But I am so scared that it will go wrong that I will say the wrong thing... but at the same time I want to tell him how I feel to see how he feels? Especially after the chat with his flatmate I feel like I should? I am so weak! I thought I could but I can't do it without him! :([/QUOTE]

LY, you are getting such great advice here that I think we're a bit confused why you keep posing the same questions we've already answered over and over. I guess it just takes longer for things you don't want to hear to sink in when you're going through such a tough time. I'm really sorry that this whole situation is causing you so much pain, especially since I'm also going through a recent breakup. But the way you're thinking right now, clinging to hope and desperately trying to glimpse signs that this is all a mistake, is just prolonging your suffering and making the situation much harder on you than it has to be. Your feelings of confusion, sadness, and frustration will continue until you fully accept your ex's decision...it doesn't seem to have hit you yet that he's the one that wants to break up, that he's the one that doesn't want to be with you, and not vice-versa. Yes, you told him you couldn't talk to him for awhile because it's too painful, but that doesn't mean it was your choice or your decision to cut off contact. You really don't have another option if you want to have any peace of mind unless of course he changes his mind about breaking up. But you have already talked to him several times and made your feelings clear; he obviously knows you'd still like to be his girlfriend, but over and over he has repeated his desire to be single and no longer in a relationship with you. That was his choice, and there's nothing you can do to change it--refusing to accept the reality of the situation may seem to blunt your pain right now, but ultimately your denial will cause you more pain in the long run than if you accept that the relationship is over as of now and begin moving on with your life without him.

Please remember that it's completely normal to feel lonely, sad, and just plain miserable after a breakup. You are not any different from anyone else who goes through a similar ordeal in that regard...it doesn't mean you're weak just because you're hurting, but it also doesn't mean that you are meant to be with your ex or that everything will eventually work out between you guys. As Nini said, whether or not you choose to see it, your ex is selfish, manipulative, and knows just how to mess with your emotions in order to keep you hanging on to the tiniest shred of hope in case he does change his mind or wants a booty call. I know that you probably feel like no one can possibly understand how much you hurt, miss him, and love him, but in actuality, these feelings are quite common following just about every breakup. It's normal to mourn the loss of someone you love, but in order to begin the grieving process and move toward healing, you first need to admit to yourself that despite your best efforts, the relationship is over for good. The longer you hold out hopes to the contrary, the longer you will delay the healing process that you need to experience in order to move on, and the more difficult, painful, and prolonged that process will eventually be for you.
I would hate to see you spend years moping around just because of one guy who quite frankly doesn't seem nearly as interested or concerned with you. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you; all you can control is how you respond. Since your ex is only thinking of himself and his own selfish interests, you need to be similarly self-focused and from now on do only what is best for you. Is it better for you to be left in this miserable limbo indefinitely, or is it better to accept that he has moved on and that you need to do the same? I think the latter option is much better for you in the long run and will give you a much better chance of being happy and even finding love again before too long.

Again, I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time, but it will get easier in time if you take steps toward moving on with your life. If not, I fear that you will have a much tougher time getting past this painful ordeal...I strongly suggest that you don't call him, no matter how much you want to talk to him. He's not going to take you back or change his mind, and since that's what you'd be hoping for, talking to him will only make you sadder and more disappointed. However, maybe you need to do that to finally get it through your head that the relationship is over...but you're probably not going to find anyone to encourage you to keep contact going with your ex, because we all know how much additional pain that can cause following a breakup. Nini is right about the last paragraph of your post--he doesn't want you now, and unfortunately nothing you can do will change that. He's made his decision, and it's out of your control--as much as you would clearly like to change his mind through taking some action, it's just not going to happen. He already knows that you're still interested in being with him and that you still want to talk to him...but he hasn't chosen to act on that information and get back together with you. Quite frankly, I think you deserve a lot better: you deserve a guy who never doubts whether he wants to be with you, and I wouldn't suggest taking your ex back even if he did change his mind. No one who loves you the way you should be loved would cause you this much pain. I hope you do find a way to start moving on soon and that things get easier for you...in the meantime, hang in there and please avoid contacting your ex, for your own sake.
[QUOTE=lovingyou]
Why was he telling me that he would like us to focus on me as a person, that I am a girl with good qualities and that I am so much worth it and that he would like to take things slowly and spend more time to get to know each other because we made that mistake when we started seeing each other... he said that if he wanted to be with me again that he needed to do that and we both agreed that a good relationship needs a good foundation and good freindship! I do understand that I spoilt it last time because I started to cry and I had all these questions about "us" and that pushed him away because he said he needed to work on what he wants and to be sure... he wanted us to be good friends at first and take things slowly so we can grow together (so he said) and now he does not even talk to me anymore. he does not communicate with me. [/QUOTE]

I think he was telling you these sweet things because he wanted the relationship to continue on the way it was on Easter weekend. No strings, no responsibilities, he liked the idea of being able to come in for a weekend, have sex with you, kiss you goodbye and then go back to his life. He wanted it to stay that way. Please quite beating yourself up. You did NOT push him away. All you did was make it clear to him that you love him and you want more than to be his part-time weekend piece of a$$. You have every right to want more for yourself, to want more out of the relationship. The problem is, he doesn't want to give you anymore than that. THAT'S where his discomfot comes from. He knows you want more from him than he is willing to give. He does not love you, but he knows you love him, and that's why he's uncomfortable. All this growing together and being friends crap is just his way of saying "I don't think I love you, but I like having you around to have sex with when I'm bored or lonely or horny, so can't we just keep it casual so I can have you to sleep with when I feel like it?" Ummm.. NOT!


[QUOTE=lovingyou]
He told me last time that we can't talk to each other if we are not on the same level.. I am trying hard to be on the same level but I am finding it still hard! I was still crying this morning missing him even though I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks!

You all are telling me to move on and not to contact him! I think it's the best for me but I still don't understand why is my friend telling me who also knows him very well that I could send him an email that maybe he is waiting for that?? [/QUOTE]


No, you are not on the same level. But it is NOT your job to "lower your love" so you can be on the same level. That's NOT how love works!!! It's ok that you love him. You shouldn't have to hide it or cover it up or apologize for the fact that you love him. He just doesn't love you back. And there's nothing you can do about that. I'm sorry, I know it hurts like no other hurt, believe me, I've been there. But he's made his choice. I think your friend probably does NOT understand the situation very well. I think it would be a very bad idea for you to send him an email and to keep contact with him. As long as you continue to try to keep this relationship going, you're going to be miserable. I really hope someday soon you'll be able to see that. You won't stop crying and hurting and being sad until you let go of him and this relationship, accept the fact that he just wasn't the one for you, and move on with your life without him. (((HUGS))) Hang in there. :angel:
Hello everyone,

thanks so much for your replies! I am so weak ! I gave in...

I answered his phone call finally after he sent me a long long email explaining that he is sorry and that he is hurting and can't sleep and can't concentrate on his work and tha the has realised how much he had hurt me before...anyway, he said he realised things and so on.

So I answered but I was very cold with him. He was so happy but he asked me how could I do this to him. I said to him if he wants to blame, I will not talk to him. He said he was sorry. He asked me if he could call me in the evening. So he did and we had a nice conversation and then he said to me that he thinks that we should take things slowly and we shouldn't put pressure on each other. We kept emailing each other and he explained himself that he thinks that if we just jump straight back into the relationship that it would be wrong and he does not want to hurt me again... He said that we should take our time.. we shouldn't rush into anything. I agreed with him but I also told him that I do not want to feel unimportant and taken for granted.

Anyway, in his last email he sent he said this

As i said in my previous email and i'm happy u have the same opinion on it, I dont want to rush with us in order to avoid problems later. We went through too many problems and i really dont want to have to live that again. I think for u it's the same. I like u a lot but at the same time i spent with u not very great moments and i'd like to forget these moments. WHat i mean with going slowly, is to keep the door open to give us the chance to be together again and see if both we feel like it again. The things between us should come by themselves without any pressure on us. If we feel good together and want to get closer to each other we will do it but if we dont feel it, we won't do it. It must come from both of us because we feel good together. Going slowly is going step by step to see how we feel and each time seeing if we want to go further. It works for both of us. If it's too quick for one of us, we slow down. We need to know if it can work between us because too many times we had to fight and now none of us want to do that again: too much pain has already affected us. If it's to live again the arguments we had together i think it's not worthy , but if it's to live our good moments we could have together , it is worthy and in this case i can tell u, i'd be sure i want to be with u and i wont have any other hesitations with u. But too many times we had to face doubts. I want to start from scratch with u again because i'm not confident in
us. I didnt say you're not worthy (that's why i'm striving to find solutions)
but i dont feel sure after what we had to face together. Going slowly then
means that we should give us the time to be sure about us without any
pressure. And if we cant be sure and see it doesnt work, at least we tryed
because we both thought it's worthy. Sometimes people try for what they want even if at the end they realise it doesnt work because it's not exactly what they want or just because they cant succeed.

About your second point, i never said i want to see u sometimes to have fun and that's it. I know u're not this kind of girl who can accept that and as i respect u, i dont want to do that to u. If we finally decide to be together again, i will not be unfaithful to u and have fun when u're not here. It's a matter of respect! If we decide to be together, we should be enough for each other and we shouldnt need to see somewhere else. But that's a big problem i think for us that i'm mentionning here. I 'm quite worried about the distance. When we were still together, i didnt see u enough times, i wasnt satisfied by the fact that we only met once every month or 2months. That's also a reason why i wanted to see something else because i physically needed it. I dont know how we could manage to see more if we decide to be together and i'm quite worried about that. Because spending evenings on the phone or on *** dont satisfy me and i think u neither. i need real contacts. This problem is also a
problem which makes me unsure about us.

Anyway, he called me after because he wanted to talk about the email and what I thought. I told him that there is nothing I can do about the distance. He said that he is not satisfied with the distance and that we should try to find a solution. When Iasked him when we can meet he said to me that it's going to be difficult for him to meet me before August since in July he has to leave for the USA to work for a month. I got a bit upset and he said I was too demanding. Anyway, the next day he emailed me at work and said that he was sad because each time we had the opportunity to talk I was cold and distant with him. I called him yesterday to tell him that it's not meant to be and he was tired after a night out and I thought he didn't sound that happy... Anyway, the conversation went wrong and he said again that he is not satisfied with me and that he never sees me and that we always have to discuss "us" and that we always end up arguing.. I said to him "ok if you are not satisfied with me, I will not call you again then. you don't sound happy anyway" and he got upset and said "why do you always have to make such an extreme conclusion!?? Why can't you take it easy? Why do you complicate things so much! That's the reason why I am not with you anymore!" I said to him "but if you want me to be here for you only when you feel like having a chat it's not fair and you are not meeting any of my needs". He said "and you are meeting any of my needs? You are always upset with me and you never appreciate my efforts! I have been trying so hard to find a solution for us! Show me one guy who would be happy with this situation" I said to him "ok if you are not happy I am leaving" And he said "I am leaving too because my efforts are useless for you" I said to him "ok then good bye" and I put the phone down on him!

I haven' heard from him. This happened yesterday. I am feeling down. Maybe I made a mistake again!! I should have just taken the things slowly I know!! What should I do?





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:42 PM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!