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Hi everyone,

I am new here! It's really inspiring to read the stories here and how everyone is trying to help each other! I came here to vent and to ask for help since I am really sad and confused!

My relationship ended about a week ago. We were together for about a year and three months. For the last 5 months the relationship became long-distance. My ex-boyfriend had a hard time dealing with the distance and even though he said he loved me so much he had a hard time dealing with the distance. We are 2 hours by plane and a train from each other. We visited each other 4 times during this time. Anyway, he kept being sad and unhappy about the distance and he then told me that he wants me to move closer so we can see each other often. We both work but it's our first proper jobs after graduation. He has explained to me that he is not sure how long he can keep going on like this with being so far away from each other and he said he is not sure he can wait a year or so.. when he told me that I got so upset and scared that I told him that it's over! I was so upset and I felt sad that he wouldn't wait for me. He said to me that he was only trying to be honest about how he felt and he was fighting for our relationship and kept asking me if I meant it that it's over.. I said yes but I knew I didn't want it! He started to cry! I realised how much it hurt him and I hugged him and told him that I didn't mean it.. and that i was upset that he would give up on me! I tried really hard to make him realise I didn't mean it and I said I was sorry. BUT he closed himself and he withdrawn himself emotionally from me. THis happened abotu a month ago when I was visiting him for a weekend in his place! it was our special weekend because we were celebrating our 1 year anniversary! After I left he was so distant with me it was hurting me! He was so cold and he said he wasn't sure he still loved me and that he is not sure about our future and so on... I decided to get on a train to save it and to show him I didn't mean it! Well, I guess it was a mistake! He was friendly and I think he tried to be nice and caring but he was not the same! He was so distant I couldn't bare it! We had a row and he ended the relationship! We had lots of fights before but mainly because he would always become so distant.. the thing is when he ended it at first he was so upset.. telling me it's over, it's over, i am fed wtih your attitude.. once we calmed down he told me that he wants to be free to see what else is out there! he said is not closing any door behind us but right now he doesn't want to be in a relatiosnhip. he said he wants to experience more before settling down.. he is 24 and I am 26. but the way he broke up with me doesn't feel final

he is still coming to see me next weekend for the Easter holiday! What would you advise how to be with him? Do you think I should hope for anything this weekend? My friends told me that they are surprised he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holidays with his family and friends... they say that he must still care so much for me.. In a way it's true that he works now so he doesn't get to see his family very often. I really appreciate he is spending the holiday with me. Why do you think he would still come even if he decided to break up with me? I always thought that if you break up with someone and you don't want to be with them anymore, you want to be far from them at least for now.. I know that we said he would still come here because he doesn't want me to spend the holiday on my own. I live abroad without my family and so he is maybe coming here because he would not like me to be alone.. that's very sweet of him but I am still wondering he would prefer spending the weekend with me knowing that it'll be probably sad and hard for us..

This is our conversation from last Friday:

He sent me an email on Friday:

i just want to ask u something? are u still sure u want me to come to see u next week? cos i 'm a bit worried for u, i dont know if it's good for u to see me now. i could understand if u prefer to stay alone without seeing me for a while to make u forget a bit and be less sad. Cos i know u re sad now and i m not sure if it can improve the situation if u see me. please tell me the truth
about what u really want? u know if u dont want me to come, it doesnt mean that we wont see later after a while anymore cos i can understand u may need a bit of time to forget and be less sad.Tell me please

have a good day

xxx


I said I would like him to come and whether he still wants? He replied:

yes i will come if u re ok with it! i'm just worried that u could suffer more if u see me, that's why i 'm asking u that. But yes what we said last week was true!
xxx

I said to him:

i don't think i will suffer if i see you. i'll be happy to see you. If it was true what we said last week why did you tell me to forget in your email? I thought you told me that you don't want to close the door behind us? I thought we decided that it was taking a break to see how we feel later? xxx

He replied:

i meant to forget about your sadness.I m not closing any door at all but i dont want u to think that we may be together again cos u may wait for me and it wouldnt be very fair for u cos i never said we will be together again for sure. U know i said that cos helen was in this kind of situation with paul, she
was like waiting for him for 2years and they are finally not together and they may never be together again. so she lost 2years. i dont want to do the same to u, it wouldnt be very fair for u. That's why i prefer to be clear by saying that i dont want to be back with u now and i cant promise u anything for the
future. xxx

I said:

I appreciate you are so concerned for me. I thought me and you had a different relationship to Helen's and the guy. So you prefer I don't wait and take it as a final break up and not taking a break as we said to each other? So you were just saying things like we can see 6 months later how we feel to make me feel better but you knew that it's over completely for you? Sorry about the questions. xxx

He replied:

of course it was different between us than with helen's situation cos we stayed more than one year together which is not cecile's case. but i didnt say that to make u feel better cos that's what i thought. but i never said we will be together again. i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and
that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together

xxx

What do you all think please?? He is being quite vague! Should I hope?
It sounds like this guy cares for you as a good friend, and is hesitant to make any final breaks that would cause you and him not to stay in contact as friends.

It does not appear that this guy wants to date you any more. He wants to be friends. He does not want to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

For a little while, it will probably feel awkward and be hard for you to just "hang out" with him and act casual. So, Easter may feel strange and sad because things will now be different.

Sometimes a 'best friends' relationship can come as a result of breaking up. But that usually takes time and BOTH people would have to want to maintain a friendship.

Maybe right now you can't commit to being good friends because you will be upset at his choice to end the dating part of your relationship - and that's okay. You can always take some time to have no contact, if you need to get yourself emotionally settled about the break-up.

It does sound like this guy wants to be friends.

Remember that being "just friends" with someone that you used to date can be difficult, but sometimes the rewards from having a terrific friendship is worth trying to make that happen.

I would honor his request to be friends only, and if you can handle being just friends, then spending Easter together would be nice. But since the break-up is so fresh, spending Easter together could be stressful and depressing. You need to decide what's best for YOU.
Thank you all! I greatly appreciate your support and your different views on the situation!! it also helps me to come and vent here instead of calling him! I am so sad because I cannot be his friend! I cannot be his friend because it would kill me if he told me he was seeing someone else :( I have strong feelings for him!

So you think he is telling me it's over? So why is he still coming to see me this weekend? I mean he has to travel all the way from his country so it's not out of convenience and he could have spent the Easter break with his family and friends since he doesn't get time off his work very often. He chose to spend the weekend with me knowing that it'll be probably sad and hard for us... I know that part of the reason is that he knows I am here on my own living abroad without my family and real friends.. but I still wonder why would he want to do that.. he has to spend 3 whole days with me..

I have not contacted him the whole weekend! I was strong! Of course I miss him and I still feel a lot for him but I decided not to call him. I received an email from him on Sunday evenig:

He said:

how are u? how was your weekend? As for me i came back home and i spent my weekend resting with my family, no party and no drink! i made sport on saturday, so today i feel quite good!

How was your interview on the phone? I hope u did well! u could have
let me know, couldnt u? or u prefer to keep that for yourself now?

good night

xxx

I didn't expect this email to be honest! I thought we would not be in contact until he comes this Friday as I said to you he is still coming to spend the Easter with me! Well, the reason why I didn't tell him about my interview because we are broken up so I wasn't just going to call him to tell him about it! He sounds a little annoyed don't you thik? Or was he teasing me? I am not really sure! Anyway, I waited till Monday morning and I replied trying to sound really upbeat and I said that I had a nice weekend. The interview went well and I am happy I can leave my current job and start a new one! I said to him that I didn't let him know earlier because I din't want to disturb him during the weekend but I said that it's nice of him to ask! I then said I have got to go, I have lots of things to do! Take care and have a nice first spring day! I tried to sound as happy as possible! he replied and said "Well done! I am happy for you!I am sure you will succeed!" I have been advised to act happy with him! But in a way i worry he might be thinking that Iam ok and I don't care..

What do you all think? I am quite confused!

I have been trying to be strong but I am suddenly feeling so sad :( I can't stop crying..If I tell him I don't want to be his friend what if I loose him for good! If you read his emails where he says : " i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together " he is saying that if we stop talking there would be not a chance for us.

I feel so bad! I feel like I lost him! I feel that my behaviour drove him away... I shouldn't have said to him it's over that weekend! I hurt him badly and he closed himself.. It's breaking my heart thinking that he was telling me he loves me so much and now he said he wants to see what else is out there... I can't take it!

I know that once you break up with someone you want to spend time away from them.. but it's not our case.. it's so strange that the break up doens't feel final.. I am so lost! and I worry to do the wrong thing

I still hope that this weekend could bring somethig! Am I being naive?
[COLOR=DarkOrchid]I think he is being unfair to you. :nono:

He is sending mixed signals to keep you at "arms length" so that if by "chance" he decides he does want to be with you, then you will be there for him....and if not then no sweat on his part cause he told you he didn't want to get back together.

He is playing mind games with you and personally I wouldn't even let him come for Easter. That is not a healthy choice for you. You said yourself that you can't be his friend (and it is very true), so now you need to act on it. You have to take it for what he is saying and bottom line is he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. :nono:

It is going to be hard for you, but the longer you keep in contact with him the longer it will take you to "get over him." You can't get over someone and be their friend, while you still intimatley love them.

Move on, and stop all contact with him. Do it for your own sake. You are worth it. Don't worry about what he thinks or feels, do what is best for you.

I'm not sure how old you are, but as you get older in life you will realize that worrying too much about how others feel or what they think, or how everything will affect them, will only hurt you. You have to start doing things for YOU. :angel: [/COLOR]
Good Morning lovingyou,

I honestly don't think that this guy is playing games with you.

I think he DOES care about you, and wants to try to be "just friends", but is not sure how to go about acting as "just friends" now.

Sometimes it's hard to break up with someone, even if you don't want to date them any more. So he probably feels awkward too.

I think you are also reading too much into everything right now, which is normal, but will make you sadder and drive you nuts.

Here's the bottom line: He wants to be friends with you. He is trying to be friendly in the only way he knows how - by continuing to reach out and make plans.

He does not want to date you. He probably doesn't realize that he is giving you mixed signals. He is probably trying his best to just try to be friends.

Instead of reading into every little thing, if you want to try to be friends with him too, you can definitely send e-mails and place calls to him. But it will feel strange to try to talk on a "friends only" level rather than keep talking about the break-up or other things that you might find upsetting right now.

If you feel that you can't be "just friends" right now, you should tell him that maybe you would like to resume a friendship with him ometime in the future when you are less sensitive to the break-up.

It takes time to get over being hurt and missing him. When you feel less stressed about this break-up, you may find that you don't want to remain in contact with him - or you find friendship with him easier. And you won't try to read into every thing he says or does because it will become less impacting and less important.

Now is the time to take a moment to decide if being "just friends" is the best thing for you or not. If you feel you can't deal with it right now, that's okay, and just let him know. ANd if you feel that you want to try being "just friends", remember that it will take some time to adjust to this so have patience with him and with your own feelings.

Take care.
I had to come here to vent and to ask you for advice.. I spoke to a friend of mine and told him about my situation and he said that I was definitely suffocating my bf and was TOO needy and taking up too much of his time and attention. I was also way too emotional and even unpredictable, creating fights and crying and throwing tantrums until he finally felt forced and gave in to visit you in December even though it was inconvenient with his new job, dissertation, move etc. during that time.

that I was always threatening to him, either he sees me or else there's a fight...moving things into what I call a serious relationship but he thinks a selfish relationship where I only cared about my needs getting met and not giving him the space and time he needed to himself.

And during my visit to him while we were both taking a walk, and I was bugging him so he says he wished I hadn't come - again throwing a tantrum and instead of talking about why he felt that way, my response is to say I don't need him and I'll go!! He said I was so immature and I am the older one... On my previous trip when he is trying to talk to me about our relationship, I initiate a break up, hurting him deeply and making him cry, again like a childish, selfish, knee-jerk response that hurts him, confuses and bothers him, instead of like an adult talking out the situation. I make him to be this bad guy whenever he opens his mouth to complain that I am being needy, among other things...

He said surely he was surprised at how understanding I was in response to him saying that he would like space and be apart so that he can see other women and experience other relationships. How would I feel if I told him that I'd like to see other guys and he responded like that is absolutely fine with him? Being the sensitive person I describe him to be, he probably got upset that I was not troubled by this proposal.

He said that I send too many mixed signals that are extreme - from extreme neediness, to extreme indifference and hurtful actions like telling him I want to break up, then when I make him CRY and feel so hurt, say I didn't mean it! My friend said "Wow, I can't believe he has been putting up with this cra* for so long."

I feel gutted after talking to my friend! I feel like I must have been the worst girlfriend for him and I must have hurt him and I must have made the relationship so hard for him! I feel so sad and upset! It's my fault everything! I lost him! No wonder he wants to see other girls! He doesn't deserve me! I miss him and I love him! And now he is coming this weekend.. I can't even look into his eyes I feel so bad!

I guess I should forget my hope then :( I love him but I wasn't able to show him! It's the worst feeling ever when you love someone so much but you act as if you don't :( I feel so horrible about it all :(

PS I'll tell a little bit more about our relationship in the next thread so you know what is this all about.. I do appreciate your help! I really do! I am so desparate! I know that I still hope but that's because I feel like all my fault and I lost him because of my behaviour :( THANK you all for being there! It really helps to get different views on things because I am pretty lost

lovingyou
I met my b/f in January 2004 while we were both at the university. The relationship in general has been quite up and down. He already broke up with me once last summer. I can become really needy and dependant and he is quite an independant person and a guy so he needed a lot of space in our relationship, which I wasn't always able to give. He is 24 and I am 26. I think he wanted to take things slowly. I think there were times he felt pressured. He tried as much as he could to fulfill me but I was still pushing for more. When we broke up the first time we were still meeting each other but it was too hurtful for me because I was hoping he would change his mind. I decided after about a month or so to end it all with him. I walked out on him because it hurt too much! He was doing everything to win me back. I hesitated at first but he was making so many efforts I said yes. This was last year in September. We were doing much better but there were still times when he bacame distant since he had stress with his dissertation and with his job interviews and I wasn't able to give him the space because his distancing affected me a lot.

In October he had to go back to his country so our relationship became long-distance. he had to find a job and he couldn't find the job he was looking for in here. It's about 2 hours away by train and a plane. Things have not been always easy because of the distance but we were trying. With his new job he became quite busy so I felt neglected and we fought a lot over the phone. I needed him so much because I am here alone without my family and real friends. I was aware that my dependance on him is driving him away but somehow I couldn't stop myself! I missed him too much! He kept telling me to take it easy and not to worry that he is there and he loves me and is thining of me. It wasn't enough! I went to visit him in November and I met his family! We spent a really nice week in his country! It was hard to leave again! He then came to visit me in my country for New Year's Eve and met my family and my friends. My parents liked him so I was happy about that! However, before he came we fought a lot because I kept asking him if he is going to come to see me and he kept saying that had started his new job and he had lots of worries and stress with finding an accommodation for him! But I still pushed him for answers! Even my parents told me that I wasn't being fair on him! he came at the end even though he was hesitating to come! He was worried we would be fighting again. But we had a nice time and things were good again! I then started my new job hoping I'll get busier so I won't need his attention all the time so much! Well the job is quite boring and there is not a lot to do. After all he was there for me a lot and he was really protective of me! I felt loved so much! He tried his best I think! I was so happy! I started to go out more, do more sport and he was calling me more and was much more attentive to me! Things were great!! He kept saying that he is not happy with the distance and that he misses me too much and he would like us to be closer to each other. We talked about me moving closer to him so we could see each other more often.

I went to see him in his place in February for a weekend. He came to pick me from the airport, he was rushing from work to get me and he brought me the most beautiful flower! It was our first year anniversary! he had my photos near his bed and he was so happy to have me there with him! I came on Thursday and until about Saturday afternoon we had a great time! We had to wait one month and a half! However, on Saturday he was feeling tired and he was not in the best mood. He works quite long hours. However, i took it very personally and I thought he wasn't as happy as I was to see me. I expected this weekend to be the most wonderful because we didnt' see each other often! I was really disappointed that he became a little distant. We had a row that evening and it was quite bad. He told me that he can't be himself with me and that I take everything so personally and he felt really disappointed. the next day we made up but it was not the same. We started to talk about our situation and the distance. He said to me that he wants us to be closer that the distance is too hard for him! He said that something has to happen soon otherwise it's hard to continue like this. I took his comment as him giving up on me and I got upset and told him it's over! He was quite shocked and said why? I said because you are giving up on me. He said why do you think I have been waiting for you? I was only honest with you! He kept asking me if I was sure that it's over and I said yes but I didn't really mean it! I was just really upset and hurt! He was trying hard but when he saw me being so indifferent about it, he started to cry! When I saw that I felt bad and I hugged him and said I didnt mean it! He rejected me and he kept crying! I tried really hard to tell him that I overreacted becasue I was worried he wants to stop our relationship. Since then he had been really distant with me. He was not the same anymore. He changed. He had withdrawn himself emotionally from me completely! The situation got so bad that he even told me that he wasn't sure he still loved me. I felt really bad! I felt devastated! I decided to book a weekend to go and see him. This was a couple of weeks ago. He said to me that if I was coming to see him to bother him and to fight with him, I should stay at home but if I went to see him to have a good time I am welcome to see him. So I decided to go.

I wasn't really sure if I made the right decision but I wanted to show him that I loved him and I ddin't want to loose him! Some of my friends told me not to go that he needed space from me to feel better but I diddn't listen! He tried to be nice to me especially at the beginning but he was quite distant! There was this gap and this distance between us. On Saturday we had an argument becasue I kept saying to him that he is distant. He kept saying don't start again.. I couldn't control my emotions and I got quite upset. We then went for a walk but he said why did I come to see him to bother him again? I got so upset and told him that I'll go on my own that I dont need him and that he can do whatever he wants. He got upset and walked away. I called him after some time becasue I don't know his city and when we met he said "It's over"
!! He was so upset! He said Im fed up with your attitude and the way you make me feel! I am not happy and I want to end it! I was crushed! THat night we slept in different rooms. The next day he came to me and he tried to talk to me but I was so hurt! I kept crying! We then lied next to each otehr and he said he is sorry but he said he is not feeling good about his life at the moment and he can't give me what I need.

this is our open talk:

He said it wasn't easy for him as well as for me but he said it's best for both of us. At first I was really upset. I said to him he betrayed me and so on.. He was quite upset but then when we calmed down and he hugged me. I was crying so much. He said he wanted to be completely honest with me but he hasn't been feeling good about us for a while. he said he hasn't had enough experience in his life and he realised he needed to experience more. He said he knew I wanted more out of the relatioship and he said he is afraid of commitment. He said he knew I wanted to be more serious but he can't give me the stability now. he has just started his job after his studies and he said he is not really sure about his own life. that he is not happy with his own life so he can't love and he can't give me what I deserve. He said he is that kind of person, who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has and always looking for something else out there. It's horrible to think I made him feel like this... He said that he really likes me a lot but he wants to be sure I am the girl for him by seeing what else is out there. He said he might be making a mistake but he said even if we kept going he would be always tempted. He said he has never been unfaithful and he has never tried anything with another girl but he said now he wants to still experience what other girls are like. He said he only had 2 relationships in his life He says he is too young to be serious like I wish to be and he said he is aware that most of our problems were stemming from that.

I was so sad to hear that but I knew I can't force him and I said I understand he needs to experience more. I said that I actually agree with the idea of experiencing a lot before finding the one.. He was grateful for my understanding. I said I feel like I have damaged this relationship by being too needy and too demanding and I felt like I lost him. He said that it's true that he didn't feel free enough. he took me for a dinner and we talked really openly about everything. he kept asking me if he will loose me. We agreed not to break up completely where we cut all contacts. We agreed that we will "take a break". He said maybe we will be back together but now he wants to be on his own and have his freedom. He said that of course if I find someone else he will not be happy and he will probably regret his decision but he said he wants me to be happy! He said "maybe I will realised that being on my own is not a good idea and I will want to be with you again but it might be too late and that's the risk I am taking". He said he doesn't want to completely close the door behind us. This morning I was leaving he said he was sad. He said he still wants us to be in contact and he is still there for me.

Sorry about the length! I had to explain it all to you! My friend said he has made up all these excuses so I didn't become emotional again!
[COLOR=DarkOrchid]sweety :wave: first stop being so hard on yourself.

Often times it is far to hard to except the truth that someone you loved, doesn't feel the same way in return. In turn we try to put all the blame on ourselves as if it is going to make things different.

Even with all the history you have given, it still sounds me to that your ex doesn't want to be your boyfriend again. Whether he is making things up about "why" he doesn't want to be with you, doesn't matter. :nono:

The bottom line is, if he really truly LOVED YOU, with all HIS HEART AND SOUL, he wouldn't be telling you any of this and telling you that he doesn't want to be with you. You just don't do that wen you are in love.

I truly know how alone and desparate you are feeling I was there at one time, and it takes time to get over it. Please I beg you, try to seek counseling or therapy. You have got to stop trying to blame yourself.

I'll check back in w/you :)[/COLOR]
Hi everyone! I hope you all had a nice Easter holiday! :wave:

HE went back yesterday afternoon. It was a very nice weekend actually! It was hard at times but the strange thing was that HE was so caring, sweet and he behaved to me as if we are still together.. he was holding my hands, he was pretty affectionate with me!

When I met him on Friday evening it was a little strange between us. I guess we both didn't really know how to behave with each other because we were always used to being together as a couple and suddenly we were supposed to behave differently. It was quite amusing because he suddenly asked me where did I go on Thursday evening afer talking to him on msn. He was really curious. I said I had an arrangement.. and he asked what kind of arrangement.. and we started to tease each other.. I said to him 'why do you want to know?" and he said "tell me.. where did you go?" and I made up a story that I went to a party.. and he said "I see to meet your new boyfriend?" .. I said "well there was a guy who asked for my number".. it wasn't serious conversation. but it was quite amusing how curious he was! he then said "im sure you ended the conversation so suddenly because you wanted me to ask you where you went". I said "that's not true.. I really had to go"..

anyway, the next day we spent the day sightseeing! We were walking around, taking photos.. he was holding my hand and was hugging me.. it was really nice but at the same time it was hard of course! We then decided to go for a small lunch and he actually started to talk about us.. I said to him that it's nice of him he decided to spend the Easter break with me! he said he is happy to hear that! He asked me if I spoke to my parents and told them that we are broken up! I said yes. he said he spoke to his mum about it. I asked him what did he tell her and he said that it was because of the distance, that it's hard to have a relationship with someone who doesn't live in the same country and that i wanted to be more seriuos than he was ready. It was quite sad at that time.. I said to him that it's quite confusing because we are behaving as if we are still together and he said that he knows and that if I prefer being distant with each other he will respect it! Well, we talked a little bit more and he said to me that he is being honest with me that he thinks that it's not black and white. he said that he spoke to his flatmates about me and told them that he is still coming to see me for the Easter and appareantly they told him that he shouldn't and that once you break up with someone you shouldn't keep seeing each other and you should just break up! He said he was a little annoyed with them because he doesn't feel that way! he said that he would respect if I asked for no contact but he said that maybe we both will experience two other relationships and then we will realise that we still want to be together afterwards! he says that of course he will have to respect if I meet someone else. But he kept saying that of course he would not be happy if I decided to stop our contact and if I decided to find someone else but he said he would have to respect it! I said to him that I don't want to feel like I am here filling the gap before he meets someone new and then he will drop me and will not know me anymore! He said that he will not do that to me.. he said that he will want to hear from me and he will still want to contact me.. He said it will be a test for us!

Anyway, after that we decided to go for a walk and to lie down in a park. I received a text message from a friend of mine and he was asking who it was and whether it was "my new boyfriend"! i could feel he was a little afraid if I met someone else! In the evening we went to see a musical! It was great! We both really enjoyed it! Again he was holding me and hugging me! After that we had to run to catch a train to go back to my place! When we got on the train.. he was telling me how much he enjoyed the musical and how much he is bored with his job and basically he was telling me how he feels about his job and what he wants to do and so on.. it felt good because he was sharing his worries with me.

The next day we cooked together.. when we met we used to cook together.. we really enjoy it! it was really nice.. we had fun and it was enjoyable! then we went for a walk in my city. it's where we met so he was quite nostalgic.. we went to a fun fair and then for a dinner and then we hired a DVD and spent the evening watchig a movie.. it was quite a relaxing day! yesterday he had to leave. it was really hard actually! The thing was because it was a bank holiday he couldn't get any seat on a coach so he had to take a train. he had an open dated ticket for a coach which is valid for 3 motnhs. he gave me the ticket. I then told him that I can go with him to take him to the airport. he started to say that he thought it was too expensive for me to pay for that.. just to spend 2 more hours on the train with him... but I insisted that I would like to go with him ... I couldn't let go.. I started to worry that it's the last time we see each other and he said that he doesn't think so that I can come and visit him sometimes.. I was sad and I coudn't help crying and he hugged me! I said to him again that I would like to go with him to see him off at the airport and he got a little annoyed and he said that each time if i am sad like this when we are saying good bye that he shouldn't be so close wtih me and he should keep his distance with me because it's hard for me and he said he doesn't want to see me hurting and he said we are now as if we are still together and then he said I don't want you to get confused!.. I said to him that it's not fair what he has just said because we spent such a weekend together.. so then we said bye.

After a little while he sent me a text saying he was sorry about what happened at the train station and that we would not be able to sit next to each other because it's full and he then said "thanks for the weekend! it was nice!"

Anyway, yesterday night i was online and he signed in and he said I just wanted to let you know that I am back.. and he asked me if I was ok.. I said yes I am ok and I asked him if he was angry and he said "no, why would I be?" I said to him that I had a really nice weekend with him and that I don't regret it at all and that I am not suffering.. I don't want him to think that because he came here that it hurt me.. because it's not true and he said "I hope so".. I said that it was just hard to say bye.. and I said to him that I enjoyed the weekend and it meant a lot to me tha the came to see me..

guys what do you think? i guess the worst thing is that he behaved with me here as if we are a couple and he was actually really caring and sweet and then once he was leaving he became a little annoyed and distant.. how do I behave with him now?

PS Lena I am so sorry you had to go through this.. thanks a lot for sharing your sad story with me and with us..
I think you should behave with him the exact same way you behave with every other guy in the world who's NOT your boyfriend. He has told you point blank that he's no longer your boyfriend, that you are not together anymore, and he "doesn't want you to be confused." I think he's not ready to be totally alone, and I think you hit the nail on the head. He wants to be "friends" and have you there for security and emotional intimacy until he falls in love with another woman. Then of course, she won't be happy with him being so close to you, a woman he used to sleep with, so to keep her happy, he'll slowly break off contact with you. He swore he wouldn't, but how else can this play out? Like I said, what happened at the train station made it pretty clear he wants you understand that you guys are not together anymore. That's what he meant by not wanting you to be confused. If you keep this relationship going, and you have this secret agenda of privately hoping you'll get back together, you'll only end up hurt. Don't hang around him like a love-sick puppy, giving him a nice soft cushion to buffer him against his feelings of loss and loneliness, and wait to get hurt again. It's over. He's made that clear. If it weren't, he wouldn't have gotten upset and annoyed, he would have been begging for you to come back to him. You cried and got upset not because it's hard to say goodbye (you didn't cry every single time you guys said goodbye before, did you?) you cried because deep down in your gut you know you want it to be the same, but it isn't. You knew deep down that the weekend was a swan song, and that it will probably never be that way again between you guys. I really strongly encourage you to break off contact with this guy until and unless you are prepared to be just his friend, and are ok with seeing him be with another woman, knowing they are lovers, and being ok with it and being happy for them. Until you can do that, you're only going to get hurt again. The "just friends" thing when one person is still in love, is playing with fire. Trust me on this. You should just be honest with him. Tell him you still love him and don't want to see him with anyone else and don't want to be his girlfriend without actually being his girlfriend. Maybe in the future that might change, once you get over him, but for right now, if it's over, it needs to be OVER so you can heal and move on.
lovin you,

strange i didn't see myself responding to anyones thread other than to get my own answers but my situation is SO similar to yours. my threads are 'need advice' and 'friends with exes? ... please help!'. if you'd like to read my situation.

some things i didn't mention in my postings were that after we broke up it didn't seem like it was final either. we would keep seeing each other and it felt better to see him but then saying goodbye and after he left i would feel down and lonely. i know that he doesn't know what he wants and is goin to see if there is anyone else better suited for him. he had said that hopefully it would lead him back to me but he doesn't see it happening right now. but then on the flipside heís been curious on what I do in my time too. Asking if Iíve been going out and wants all types of details. Heís the only one that calls me now and asks me whats up, how i'm doin. I am very much like you I read into everything, over analyze and think constantly about him. and really donít know how not to be hopeful. He still wants to be close friends and says it will be a challenge for us too because we both have an attraction that is still strong. I feel a lot like you do. I want to continue to be friends because I couldnít bare to loose him. I donít want to show him all of my pain, cryin, or being clingy or needy cause I donít want to push him away but then I donít wanna be ok with it cause then heíll think that everything is cool and I donít need him. I'm like in the same boat you are asking the same questions. Thanks to those who responded to this thread its helped me too!.

Iíve given it a lot of thought and you should too. Ask yourself Do I want him- or- Do I need him? I found out that I need him. There is a big difference.
I know I need him! Its SO hard. I hope things work out for you!
[QUOTE=lovingyou] Is it possible for him to just have this great weekend with me and then go and think ok it was a great weekend! now it's time to be single again! Is it really possible? [/QUOTE]

I'm sorry to be so harsh or to sound blunt, but yes, it's actually pretty easy for men to do this. Once they decide they don't want to be with you anymore, they make up their minds and move on emotionally pretty fast. I felt the exact same way when my ex left me, and he wanted to stay friends. I think men's emotions are more hot/cold, on/off, black/white than ours are. When they've decided they're done, they're done, no matter how sweet and kind and attentive they may act. To them, it's still over.


[QUOTE=lovingyou]It's so sad now and so hard because after he left I can't just call him or email him because I worry he might think I am after him but at the same time it's really strange that now after such a nice weekend we are not communicating??!!! I can't understand it! And I am not sure who should initiate the contact with whom? Maybe he thinks I am upset after what happened at the train station?? maybe he is afraid to contact me? But surely he wouldn't leave and disappear, would he??!!! He was so sweet and so caring when he was here with me?!!! I miss him so much! What should I do? I am desparate![/QUOTE]


It sort of sounds to me like you are trying to invent reasons to contact him. I think that's really the worst thing you could do right now. You sent him an email letting him know you're ok, not sad, you enjoyed the weekend, PLEASE I do beseech you, please leave it at that. Right now you're still the nice girl who he dated for a while but it just didn't work out, but she's still a cool girl that he likes to see as friends every now and again. You're only a few short emails and phone calls away from becoming the crazy ex psycho bi*** who couldn't accept the break up, who he'll never want to talk to again. Please, stay the nice girl. If he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you. If he doesn't want to talk to you, you can't MAKE him want to talk to you. And I have to say, I think it was pretty scummy of him to sleep with you then turn around and get frustrated with you for being sad at him saying "well hun, that was great, but remember, you're not my girlfriend anymore!" which is basically what he was saying when he didn't want you to cry at him leaving, etc. You need to heal, right now that's job one, and I don't think you can as long as you keep trying to keep him in your life. Somewhere down the road if you feel ok to just be his friend, then you can look him up and invite him and his new girl over for dinner. But now, you need to take care of you. I did the same thing you're doing now, and it's dangerous, believe me. It could break your heart, maybe for good. Don't let that happen. You need to get to healing now. Conduct yourself, your life, your heart, as though you have broken up, because even though he's still sweet, you have broken up, and he's made that clear. he may still want to sleep with you from time to time and hang out when he's feeling lonely, but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore.
[QUOTE=lovingyou]:( yes we were intimate during he weekend... I know it's my fault I let it happen! I know I should have said no to that but it was so hard to be next to him the whole weekend... we were behaving with each other as if we were still a couple.. he was behaving with me exactly the same when he was still my boyfriend! He was so affectionate with me.. holding my hands, hugging me, kissing me,... it was not any different! That's why now I am sad because there is silence between us! I am not sure it would be really benefitial for him to be "friends with benefits" with me because we are in a long-distance relationship so we don't get to see each other often! It's just worrying me if now he decided not to talk to me.. and to disappear? but he was telling me so many nice things this weekend.. and he was so kind and caring! I miss him so much![/QUOTE]

Lovingyou, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but I agree 100% with everything Nini has said in her last few posts. No one is trying to kill your hopes to be mean or anything, it's just that many people here have gone through similar experiences and want to share the lessons they've learned so that others can avoid some of their mistakes (that unfortunately resulted in their learning these lessons the hard way). Please try to take a step back and see this situation objectively, as if it was unfolding between two people you barely know rather than between you and a man you love very much. I think it's pretty clear that he's pulling away from you and not interested in the sort of relationship you seem to want with him. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change the way someone feels or make them want something they don't want on their own. No matter how much you love him, how hard you're willing to work to make him happy, and how much you want to be with him, there's really nothing you can do if he doesn't want the same things. I wish there were some tips and tricks we could share that would make this guy love you and be with you the way you want him to, but if we could do that, we wouldn't have much left to write about here! :) There's very little logic involved in love and emotions, which is why you can't convince or manipulate someone into feeling something that just isn't there. It's certainly not your fault that he's not willing or wanting to commit to a serious relationship with you--please don't beat yourself up for doing something wrong. It won't help to dwell on the past and blame yourself when really there's no one to blame; it's just unfortunate that you two want different things from each other right now. Just because he was acting loving and affectionate does not mean that he wants to be like that all the time with you--he made it pretty clear that all he wants for the time being was to spend a nice weekend with you. Both men and women are capable of being affectionate and physical with people they don't love, even if their actions suggest otherwise. This is why the best way to deal with a breakup is almost always to cut off all contact, at least until the person who is hurting most is able to heal and move on. If he isn't willing to give you what you want and need from him (and what you deserve from any man!), then my advice is to preserve your dignity and protect yourself from further hurt by respecting his desire for time and space alone.

He's made it clear that he's not at all sure if he wants to be in a serious relationship with you, and since there's nothing you can do to change his mind, the best thing to do is focus on yourself and what's best for your well-being. You can't count on him to come back and make everything okay...if that doesn't happen, you'll just be unhappily waiting and hoping forever! You deserve better, and besides, there's nothing more appealing than independence and confidence. If you can find the strength to let go of him, stop clinging to hope and accept that what happens ultimately is out of your hands, you can devote your energy to living your own life and pursuing your own interests. Trust me, your guy will find you a lot more appealing if you're living a full and contented life on your own than if you're moping around waiting for him and constantly bugging him--neediness and dependence are two of the unsexiest qualities ever! I don't mean to be too blunt or harsh here, but your current approach isn't getting you anywhere, just keeping you dwelling on your sadness and loneliness and preventing you from getting on with your independent life and interests. Try to keep busy and pursue your goals...the only person you can rely on completely is yourself, so why not use this time to get closer to being the kind of person, with the kind of life, that you've always wanted to be? That way you'll be better off and more fulfilled with your life no matter what happens with this guy...and he'll be a big idiot not to take notice of what a prize he'd be losing if he doesn't want you ;). I know it's hard, I'm going through a tough time myself having lost my best friend, roommate & constant companion, and someone I love deeply all in one person...nothing is ever guaranteed in love and all you can control is your actions and outlook. It's a lot more fun (not to mention attractive to other people) if you're active and optimistic rather than depressed and clingy. Good luck and take care--if you hang in there, the pain will lessen gradually over time.
If I were you, I would keep it short and simple. Tell him something like "Hi, I am sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to your email. The weekend was great, thanks. I have to run now, but thanks for thinking of me. Bye for now, ..." You want to make it sound like you are doing just fine, are busy and having fun. This way you are not being rude or mean to him...it just shows him that you are getting on with your life.
I recently broke up with my bf too, and I also have a hard time understanding how they can be one way one moment and so cold and distant the next. I think that once a guy makes his mind up about something, he usually sticks to it for a good period of time. About 3 days before we split up (I initiated it but only because it was obviously what he wanted) he was here with me, wanting to be intimate and sweet too. 3 days later he told me that "we don't have that relationship anymore" when I went to hold him. It is so hard, I know. In my case, my ex says he just wants some time and space, and he is supposedly going to call me once a week and work on our friendship and not have to do with anyone else, but I know not to believe it till I see it. You want to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst so you won't be quite as devastated if it does happen. I wrote my ex a nice letter the other day telling him that I understood his need for freedom right now, and that I was really happy for the good times we have had together, that I am always here for him no matter what happens in the future. That way I can be evasive and unavailable sometimes without worrying that he thinks I am mad at him or something. It is good for the guy to know that you are moving on, because no one wants to be with someone who is desperate to be with them, even if we are lol! Guys like sweet, loving girls, but they also like woman who stand up for themselves and represent a bit of a challenge. Believe me, I know this advice is sometimes hard to follow. Anyway, I wish you luck and hope it gets easier for you soon.
Thanks for your great support everyone!

Nini I did take your advice seriously! I am concentrating on my new job and I am trying to tell myself he is not my boyfriend anymore.. it's so hard though.. not to think of him that way! but I guess what helps that we are in a long-distance so we don't see each other. the thing is I feel like I cannot separate myself from him completely and walk away! I don't know! I know that he is also a nice guy and very sensitive too..and I know that now he is not being fair because he still contacts me and gets upset if I don't contact him straigh away.. but there are still so many things about him that are nice.. I don't know I guess I am still in love and it's still so fresh but at least i am trying to be strong here and I am not calling him 20 times a day asking him for another chance! I am happy that I am managing this well!

I have been taking my distance recently and I think I am much stronger than before, however, I feel I am kind of manipulated into the situation! It seems to me that it has affected him the fact that I haven't been there for him when he expected me to reply so that's why he said in his last email he was worried I didn't want to reply! I feel he is still attached or am I wrong? Anyway, I feel like I am slowly moving on myself but I feel like he won't really let me.. it's just that I signed online because I wanted to catch up with a friend of mine and he was there again! I haven't been on msn recently because of him but I feel it's not fair towards my friends.. so anyway, he said hi and he asked me about my day.. so I kept it brief and said it wasn't too bad and I said to him about my job.. and I asked him about his! Oh my gosh, he sounds really unhappy! He says it wasn't a good day as usually! when I asked why he said that he is not happy about his life! he said he is pissed off with everything and that he doesn't care about anything anymore! I didn't go into emotional speech because I tried to control myself! But what do you say to that? It sounds worrying in a way! I said to him that I received his email and I said thanks for that! and then I asked him about the Mongolian ex-housemate that he used to live with here and aout their weeeknd and he said that it was nice and that he enjoyed it.. I replied and said "so not everything is bad then" and he said "yes but that's not enough! having nice weeknds sometimes it's not enough for me to be happy" but then he said "but I won't complain because it's not good to complain.." I said to him that it's good to complain sometimes to get it out! He said (typical male) "I am fine! I am completely fine!" I said if it's something to do with his job or where he lives and he replied "please stop asking me questions.. it's not very pleasant! I said I am fine!" I said "I was just trying to be supportive" and he said "I don't need it! im not happy with my life and noone can change that!" I couldn't help myself and I asked him if it means he is also unhappy about me and he said "no. don't worry. please don't start again...." So I stopped asking questions and I said to him "i am here if you need to talk" and I decided to finish the conversation because I can see he is in the world of his mind! so I kept it all calm and said good night to him and he said good night back.

I am going to keep distance from him now! I won't go on msn for a while now and I won't send him emails! nothing! you know it's so hard! I am such a soft-hearted person in a way that I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't care that he is unhappy and to deal with it on his own now that he is not my boyfriend anymore! I just can't do it!! I was polite to him and I was trying to be understanding so he can't blame me for anything! I think if I didn't receive the apologetic email from him today I would not be there for him!

You probably all think Iam wrong because I am still there.. talking to him and so on... but I managed not to ask him about us and our relationship!
i had to come here to vent..

I spoke to him today on msn and at first we had quite a nice chat about anything.. but then we started to talk about us.. i said to him if he would like to meet each other again and he replied "why are you asking me that?" he then said "yes but I don't know when". I said the reason why I am asking because I miss him and he replied and said "I miss you a bit". he then said that I shouldn't worry too much about us.. that it was him who made the decision to stop so I shouldn't blame myself. i said to him that I miss the times we had and he replied "ok. what are you trying to do now? it's like you want me to change my mind". I said that i am just being honest to tell him i miss him because last time we had such a nice time. He said "I know but it won't change my mind". He said nothing has changed since last time.. he said "I don't want to be with you now and I don't know about the future". he then said "i can see you are still hoping we will get back together because because you are asking me that after 2 weeks since last time I saw you". I said no it's just that i miss you and he said "ok. but you need to get used to. what can I do? i wanted to stop so I am not going to see you every time you miss me". I asked him so should I move on? he said "for now yes.but i told you already". I said so should I forget about us and he said "us maybe yes, me I hope not". I said to him that when he came last time he sounded as if it's not a final break up and now he sounds so sure and he said "i said one day maybe we can be together again but not after 2 weeks. im talking about years!!". i said to him i cannot believe that he was telling me to forget about us and he said "what is different from last time? I said to you I don't want you back now already before! nothing has changed". I said to him that he is talking to me now as if everything is final and over and he said "I never said I am not going to be with you again. but not before years because i won't change my mind after 6 months" he then said "you sound surprised" and I said "yes because you were talking differently before and behaving with me differently when you came here! He said "it's not truth" but i feel it is! he then said "of course it's difficult for me to let you move on but that's the best for you" I said to him "so it's completely the end? So why did you say before it was a break?" He replied "i said it because it was hard for me to break up and I didn't want to close any door if I want to go back again". I said so now you closed them? He said "no". He then said to me that he can see I was still hoping and that he doesn't want to explain himself to me all the time..

I said to him ok don't worry i'll move on! now I know the truth and he said "like a month ago! nothing has changed" but i know that it has changed because he wasn't behaving to me like he was sure and he wanted things completely over! I guess I am facing the reality now! He has made his mind up! I feel like he has met someone else because I didn't sound so convinced when he came to visit me 2 weeks ago :( :( :(

The worst thing was at the end of our conversation I said to him I'll move on! I said I wish you well and he said "so you won't talk to me now anymore? I said " I will but not now". he asked "if not now when then?" he said "so you accepted to talk to me and to see me only because you thought it would change my mind and we would get back together? he said you only thought about you!" I was so shocked when he said that! He then said "you didn't listen to me and you didn't understand me at all". I said to him that it's harsh of him to say that I only think of me because i don't think it's true and that I am trying to understand him but I need time to think! and he said "ok i'll give you time! see you then!" and then we finished our conversation!

I cannot understand the sudden change in his behaviour! He is so convinced now! he sounds so sure! he sounds like he knows that he doesn't want me now anymore! he was so different when he came here 2 weeks ago :( :(

I guess i talked to him today because i wanted to have some kind of clarity of what is going on with us but im quite hurt that he was like this! what should I do now? what do you think about what he said to me? i know it's pretty much clear but I guess it's so painful to accept it all! im really hurt now!
Yeah, I'm sorry lovingyou, but I agree with Snails.

I see you are hurting, and understandably so. I'm sure if I were in your situation, I would be hurting, also.
Well, actually I am still hurting over an ex, so I can certainly understand that it is hard.

But it sounds like your ex is just being honest with you. And that is a good thing.
Actually, my ex still swears he loves me and wants to be with me... All along he is with someone else. :confused: :confused:

So would you prefer he lie to you, give you false hope to hold onto? Then find out later on that he never wanted to get back together? For as much as you are hurting right now, I feel very confident the hurt would be at least 10x's worse if he was leading you on about it all.

I know its hard, but could you try to just respect his honesty with you, even if it's just a little bit to start off with?
To me (and I'm a bit trusting) it seems maybe he felt you would get back together [I]in the future[/I]. But maybe now he is realizing that you are holding on tighter than he is, or tighter than he thought you would be, so he may just be viewing the situtation different now, seeing the effect it has on you.

I am sorry you are going thru all these feelings, it's not fun at all.
And honestly, I can't tell you about the future. I can't tell you how to get over it, move on, that you'll find someone else, because I just don't know about that myself. They say we'll all find love again. I don't know - maybe, maybe not. But if nothing else, I certainly hope you can find some peace of mind over this situation very soon!
Great advice, Nini--loving you would be very wise to learn from your hurtful experience rather than having to go through the same pain that you did in order to learn the same lesson the hard way. The longer you cling to hope of reconciliation, the longer you will continue to feel very sad and confused about t relationship and hold off on moving on and starting to heal. The sooner you can cut all ties with this guy (I agree that he's not handling this well, but I also think that LY is partially to blame for seeing what she wants to see instead of accepting that it's over as her ex keeps telling her), the better off you'll be and the better chance you'll have of healing fairly quickly and finding happiness again. Nini, I didn't mean to imply that time always heals all wounds...I know this isn't true, I just wanted to point out that while everyone feels like they'll never get over it and love again after a breakup, the vast majority of people do in fact move on and get past the pain of losing a loved one. That's one of the great things about these boards...people who have gone through a particular experience can share the lessons they've learned with those who are currently in the same kind of situation. It's really helped me to see that posters who thought they would never feel okay again after being dumped usually do manage to overcome the pain of that experience in time. However, I think anyone who has gone through a hurtful breakup will tell you that the longer you refuse to let go and accept that the relationship is really over, the more painful the healing process will be for you. Please take the advice offered here...people are only trying to help spare you the same mistakes and resulting unhappiness that they have suffered in the past.
[QUOTE=lovingyou]I forgot to add that he sent me an email this afternoon:

Yesterday I told him that I need time to move on and he sent me an email today:

I'm sorry about last time, i didnt mean to hurt u! of course i still like u and
i miss u! but as i already said, i want to experience other things and i cant
look backwards all the time, that's why it's good for both of us to move on. But
that doesnt mean that i want to completely forget u! not at all! and i d be
happy to see u again , that's for sure! but i dont know if it 's a good idea so
soon, if we want to forget a bit our relation... what do u think? and after this email we had the phone conversation and then the final chat online..

it's so hard to let go!![/QUOTE]

I know it's hard to let go, it can be really hard. But it's much harder in the long run to live your life hoping for something that will never happen.When you are strong enough to just be friends without any hope of being in a romantic relationship with him, then it will be fine to contact him again, but for now, you need to get over him and move on. And you won't as long as you keep talking to him, hoping to read in his words that he wants you back. :nono:
[QUOTE=lovingyou]It's been only a few days and I MISS HIM terribly! I actually feel sad and I think I am hurting even thought I try not to think about it all the time! but I think I was hoping that my decision will move him a little that he may send me a message but he hasn't! He has not said a single word since our last conversation! I know that realistically I should not expect anything from him because it was my decision to cut the contact completely but I cannot actually accept and imagine that we would not hear from each other! I am seriously doubting my decision!!! I lost someone who I love so much because I decided something that was against my will! It's crazy!! Do you think it would be a mistake to send me him a message? I am scared that if I don't and I will try to contact him later like in a month or so he will not respond to me anymore! It's so hard!! I feel that it was a mistake to close the door completely!! I still love him so much and I still miss him terribly! I miss his messages and his emails! They used to make me happy and now I decided not to be open to him anymore! I took away my happiness by my decision! I think it was wrong??!!! I am sad! I can't deal with the fact that he would not be longer a part of my life! He has been so so important for me and now I rejected him so much! I was stupid!![/QUOTE]

Hi Lovingyou, Julia gave you some excellent advice and I hope you are able to accept what she said. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that most of your posts suggest that you're avoiding seeing this situation as it really is. Unfortunately, it wasn't your choice to end this relationship or for your ex to move on; it was his decision, and there's nothing you can do to change someone's mind once they decide that they no longer want to be with you. I think you still need to move past the first stage of mourning this loss, denial--it sounds like you haven't really let yourself absorb the reality that he no longer wants to be involved in a relationship with you. I've been going through the same sort of thing lately and believe me, I know how hard it is to admit to yourself once and for all that it's over when you still love someone and want to be with them more than anything. But you can't force him to feel the same way, and refusing to accept this fact and believing that what happens with your ex is within your control is denial, a stage that will keep you from proceeding through the grieving process until you if you allow it to linger. Not to mention that the longer you hold out hope that he'll change his mind and come back, the longer denial will keep you stuck in a miserable sort of uncertainty and limbo. I was devestated when my ex left as well, but fortunately for me, the denial phase didn't last long because I forced myself to accept that the relationship was over as soon as that fact became clear. I really think not holding out false hopes of reconciliation after my ex voiced his feelings made my healing process shorter and easier overall. Denial, in my opinion, is the hardest stage of grief to move past, because it involves accepting a painful truth that you really, really don't want to acknowledge. But while it might seem easier and less painful to keep your hope alive that he'll come back, in reality it will just make your healing process more difficult and prolonged. It wasn't your choice to "close the door" on your relationship; therefore, it's not within your control to keep your relationship alive by staying in touch with him. You can talk to him, but that won't being you two back together, and generally I think it's a very bad idea to be friendly with someone who has left you until you are completely and truly over the breakup.

Men who aren't sure if they want to end a relationship don't break up with you--sad as that may be, it's really just that simple. If he was going to change his mind anytime soon, he wouldn't have ended things with you. He's made his choice; the next step for you is to accept his decision and get used to the idea that the relationship is over. Only then will you be able to move on with your life...and trust me, no matter how impossible it seems that you will get over this hurt and feel happy again, it will happen, but not until you move past denial and begin to mourn the loss of your relationship. I'm about a month past that stage and within the past week, I've noticed that I'm starting to be generally happy, confident, and optimistic again, rather than mostly sad, abandoned, and grief-stricken. You too will turn that corner and move forward with your life, but first you need to make a conscious effort to accept that the relationship is over and begin to heal. If you continue to hold out hope of reconciling and refuse to believe that it's really over, your chances of moving on, feeling better, and finding love and happiness again are much lower (and will take much longer). Please learn from the mistakes others here have made following breakups and don't allow yourself to get stuck and never get over this loss. You have your whole life ahead of you, and if this guy isn't smart enough to see what a great woman he had, he isn't the right guy for you. But somewhere there is a guy who will love you permanently and completely, and I know we'd all hate to see you too hungup on your ex to move on and meet the guy who's right for you in the long run. In my view, you should definitely not contact your ex--realize that while you may have decided to cut off communication, he's the one who ultimately made that decision by choosing not to be with you anymore. Please don't beat yourself up and feel stupid for anything you've done...you didn't have a choice about ending the relationship, and the sooner you admit to yourself that he rejected you rather than vice versa, the sooner you can begin to move on with your life and find a guy who really wants to be with you.

PS--Is there any particular reason you use exclamation points at the end of every sentence rather than periods? I've been curious about that for a while if you don't mind explaining...;)
I sent him an email this morning! I felt like I had to do it to get peace in mind! Here is what I wrote:

I would like to say to you that the reason why I decided to cut contact for now with each other is because I know that I need to respect your decision. I know that if I stay in contact with you I would not be able to respect it fully and I would be still asking you questions about us and I know that right now it's not something you need and want from me. When you said to me that I should move on and forget about us, I knew that the only way I can do it is not to stay in contact with you for some time. I honestly didn't mean that it's for good. I want you to know that it's extremely hard for me to do that because I miss you and you are still very special and important for me but I had to follow my mind this time and not my heart! It may have sounded to you on msn that it wasn't important to me but the truth is that it is very extremely important for me! I had to decide something that I am not exactly happy with but I knew I had to!

My aim is not to forget you or loose contact with you for good! It's not at all!! It's to become stronger about the situation because I still have strong feelings for you. I will not change my email address and I would like to see you again! I just need time to get over the hurt from the break up and to feel stronger on my own without you! You asked me to promise to you that we will meet again! I would like to say that I promise to you that we will because I would like to see you again but because you were the one who decided to stop I knew that at the end of the day it depends on you if you want to see me again that's why I said to you that I hope that we will! But if you want me to promise to you that we will and if it must depend on me then I promise we will and I promise that I will not cut the contact for good! I am sorry if I made you feel bad on msn but that was not my intention and also I don't think badly about you! I am just trying really hard to understand you and to follow your decision!! I am trying to respect your decision by respecting my decision. Could you also promise me that you will meet me again and talk to me after some time? Please forgive me for my decision!

Take care!

This is what he wrote back:

I do understand completely what and why u are doing this! That's why i'm not
going to insist to make u change your mind. I respect u a lot and i like u a
lot too. That's why i want to respect that. It's very hard to know i will not
hear from u and not see u for a while, specially when i dont know how long this
cut will last but i will do it. I feel very strange to know i wont see u for a
while and i feel sad. Because just before your decision even if we were not
together any more, i knew we would stay in touch and in a way i felt u were
still next to me and it was reassuring for me because i had the feeling i could
rely on u and come back if i wanted. I know it was a selfish feeling but don't
reproach me it because i did that because of my feelings for u. Now when i feel
u keeping your distant, i feel bad and realise i will not be able to rely on u
and i will definitely loose u. But everything is because of me , it is my
decision and i should be accountable for it. I had to consider your position
and not only put myself in a confortable situation. So yes i accept your
decision and i will respect it because i know u're taking the right decision no
matter how hard it is for me.
I just want u to know u were my best and u will stay in my mind and heart for a
while!
Finally i want to say that of course i want to see u again. I promise it and
i'm the most sincere ! i 'm not going to let u get rid of me so easily . I
already miss u so much...
But i just want u to know that whenever u need or want, i will be still here
for u and i don't want u to hesitate to contact me because i will be so happy
to hear from u and help u! My best wish is to see u again and to know u happy!
so u can always rely on me.
When u feel stronger, i want u to contact me! until then i will disappear and
be waiting for ur email or ur call. I will also strive to find my way in this
strange jungle that is life...
i like u so much!
millions of kisses! Take care!

It's so sad!!! I feel so sad but I know in my heart that we both care so much and it's so hard to let go for both of us!! I feel that I have made the right decision now! But I still feel like I wish I could hope that maybe in the future we could find the way to each other! I love him! He was being really honest with me in his email! I really appreciate it! I was scared that he would blame me but he hasn't! He has been really good about it! I miss him! Oh my God I miss him so much!! It's so hard to move on! But now at least I can do it peacefully with no guilt feelings or feeling bad about my decision! Do you think it could happen in the future for us?

I REALLY APPRECIATE the support you all have given me since I came on this message board! It's been really empowering and it gave me so much strength! THANK YOU so much!!! Without you I am sure I would still be making mistakes! I guess I find it hard to interpret my own situation and to know how to deal with it! Thank you all!! I need your help to be able to move on!! You can't imagine how much it means to me your support! It's so hard for me because now I am slowly realising that it's over but you are right I have a hard time to accept it! It feels strange! It feels like it can't be over completely!

LY
[QUOTE=lovingyou]This is so so hard! I haven't talked to him since that phone call he made on Saturday morning.. but I must say I struggle with not contacting him every single day! As soon as I come back from work I check my email account and nothing He seems to be sticking to his word that he won't be the one contacting me first because it was my decision not to hear from each other but I find it so hard not to hear from him and not to speak to him! I miss him terribly and I wish I could just call him and talk to him! Also why did he ask me to promise him that we will see each other again and he also made a promise we will but in his last email he said that we shouldn't meet in may as we had discussed when he made the phone call! I wish I could see him! I cannot actually believe he gave up on me! :( It hurts! I miss talking to him! I don't know whether I should call him? I am so tempted...[/QUOTE]

I went through the exact same thing you're going through now. AFter my ex dumped me, I knew I still loved him and didn't really want to do the "just friends" thing, but it was either that or lose him altogether. I did the friends thing for a while, then realized I just couldn't handle still loving him and being around him, knowing he didn't love me anymore. So I called him and told him I wanted to break off contact. He just said "oh, I'm sorry you feel that way." I went through all the craziness you feel now, so a few days later I called him back saying I missed him as a friend and let's see where it goes. He thought I was totally nuts. He said his reaction to my voice mail was "oh, god, what now?" So we became friends again, then we got back together again, then he dumped me again, I went through all this same craziness again, then we got back together again for about another year, then he finally dumped me for good. He still wanted to be friends, but fortunately I had learned my lesson. He married someone else, and I'm convinced he would have married her even if I had been under his nose like a little lovesick puppy waiting for him to love me. I just would have had to sit by and watch it.

Your situation could turn out differently than mine, but I really think the odds are against it. Men tend to make up their minds pretty quickly and they move on much faster than women, generally speaking. It doesn't matter if you keep in contact with him or not. He has told you he doesn't love you enough to continue in a relationship with you. That should be all you need to hear. But you're like I was. I keep hoping you'll learn from my mistakes and have some self respect and do whatever you have to in order to forget this guy. He has moved on. He doesn't want you anymore, and most likely never will again. I wish I had had someone telling me how erratic I was being. But like I said, perhaps it's something everyone has to learn for themselves. I just don't want you to do this to yourself for too much longer. I believe there is a point of no return. Once you reach it, you'll never come back. Then it's too late to move on, and believe me, that's a nightmare you do not want to find yourself in. I know it's hard, but I still recommend doing your best to move on as fast as you can. Go out with friends, get them to set you up, date around, even if you have to force yourself to enjoy the company of other men.
[QUOTE=here4support][COLOR=DarkOrchid]Nini is giving very good advice! :wave:

Also in response to your last post Lovingyou- you stated you have the fear that if you don't break the NC and go back to contacting him that it will just be easier for him to forget you...

bottom line here is, he is not the one having problems just being friends. You are. So it isn't going to matter if you are talking to him or not. For him it is easy....no matter what he says to you. It is easy. He is manipulative. You need to do what is going to be right for you in the long run, and personally I think not contacting him is a good step in the right direction.

Did you read my post on "For those of you trying to forget your Ex" I suggest you take a minute and read it. You may have to find it on the second page or something cause it is dropping on the boards. It has very helpful information there.

Take care :bouncing: [/COLOR][/QUOTE]

Thanks H4S! Your advice has been right on as well. Especially the part about him being fine with being just friends. Lovingyou, H4S is right. You're the one having trouble moving on, not him. Like I said before, keeping in contact with him and being right under his nose will not make him love you if he doesn't. And he's told you pretty clearly that although he cares for you, he does NOT love you anymore. I hate to see you going through all this awful stuff. I know how hard it is, I really do. I went through it too, and to a degree, am still going through it, and probably will till I die. I don't want to see you end up the same way. The longer you wait to let him go and get over him, the harder it will be. Let me ask you a question: suppose this time next year, you have broken down and contacted him and he still just wants to be friends, and still does NOT want to be your boyfriend. A whole year of your life gone and this guy you're waiting for still doesn't want you. Let's say you contact him, and he stays friends with you, and then falls in love with another woman and gets engaged to her. How long will you continue to wait for him to love you again? How long are you willing to give it?
[QUOTE=lovingyou]Thanks everyone for the encouragement... and the support!

I have been trying to be really strong about it but I am feeling so down! Every morning I get up I have tears in my eyes! Every evening I go to bed I think of him, I miss him and I wish I could talk to him! I blocked him on msn but he is signed on every day! I wonder whether he is waiting for me to sign on?

I am so weak! I feel like I can't move on! I still hope and I still feel like it can't be true.. there was such a strong connection between us! Especially now after I had a chat with his flatmate I feel like I should call him or at least email him.. I feel like I want to talk to him once more time before I can finally know that there is no chance whatsoever... I love him! I have never had anyone so deep in my heart like him! It hurts so much every day! I have to work every day and I hate that I have to put on such a false happy face! Inside I am in pain!! I feel like I cannot accept that he would end it! He has asked about me his flatmate so I guess he must be missing me and wondering what is going on too???

I am scared that the no contact will only push him away and will make him not want me anymore! I am scared that he will think that I am no interested and I don't care if I don't talk to him again! I want to contact him so badly!!! But I am so scared that it will go wrong that I will say the wrong thing... but at the same time I want to tell him how I feel to see how he feels? Especially after the chat with his flatmate I feel like I should? I am so weak! I thought I could but I can't do it without him! :([/QUOTE]

LY, you are getting such great advice here that I think we're a bit confused why you keep posing the same questions we've already answered over and over. I guess it just takes longer for things you don't want to hear to sink in when you're going through such a tough time. I'm really sorry that this whole situation is causing you so much pain, especially since I'm also going through a recent breakup. But the way you're thinking right now, clinging to hope and desperately trying to glimpse signs that this is all a mistake, is just prolonging your suffering and making the situation much harder on you than it has to be. Your feelings of confusion, sadness, and frustration will continue until you fully accept your ex's decision...it doesn't seem to have hit you yet that he's the one that wants to break up, that he's the one that doesn't want to be with you, and not vice-versa. Yes, you told him you couldn't talk to him for awhile because it's too painful, but that doesn't mean it was your choice or your decision to cut off contact. You really don't have another option if you want to have any peace of mind unless of course he changes his mind about breaking up. But you have already talked to him several times and made your feelings clear; he obviously knows you'd still like to be his girlfriend, but over and over he has repeated his desire to be single and no longer in a relationship with you. That was his choice, and there's nothing you can do to change it--refusing to accept the reality of the situation may seem to blunt your pain right now, but ultimately your denial will cause you more pain in the long run than if you accept that the relationship is over as of now and begin moving on with your life without him.

Please remember that it's completely normal to feel lonely, sad, and just plain miserable after a breakup. You are not any different from anyone else who goes through a similar ordeal in that regard...it doesn't mean you're weak just because you're hurting, but it also doesn't mean that you are meant to be with your ex or that everything will eventually work out between you guys. As Nini said, whether or not you choose to see it, your ex is selfish, manipulative, and knows just how to mess with your emotions in order to keep you hanging on to the tiniest shred of hope in case he does change his mind or wants a booty call. I know that you probably feel like no one can possibly understand how much you hurt, miss him, and love him, but in actuality, these feelings are quite common following just about every breakup. It's normal to mourn the loss of someone you love, but in order to begin the grieving process and move toward healing, you first need to admit to yourself that despite your best efforts, the relationship is over for good. The longer you hold out hopes to the contrary, the longer you will delay the healing process that you need to experience in order to move on, and the more difficult, painful, and prolonged that process will eventually be for you.
I would hate to see you spend years moping around just because of one guy who quite frankly doesn't seem nearly as interested or concerned with you. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you; all you can control is how you respond. Since your ex is only thinking of himself and his own selfish interests, you need to be similarly self-focused and from now on do only what is best for you. Is it better for you to be left in this miserable limbo indefinitely, or is it better to accept that he has moved on and that you need to do the same? I think the latter option is much better for you in the long run and will give you a much better chance of being happy and even finding love again before too long.

Again, I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time, but it will get easier in time if you take steps toward moving on with your life. If not, I fear that you will have a much tougher time getting past this painful ordeal...I strongly suggest that you don't call him, no matter how much you want to talk to him. He's not going to take you back or change his mind, and since that's what you'd be hoping for, talking to him will only make you sadder and more disappointed. However, maybe you need to do that to finally get it through your head that the relationship is over...but you're probably not going to find anyone to encourage you to keep contact going with your ex, because we all know how much additional pain that can cause following a breakup. Nini is right about the last paragraph of your post--he doesn't want you now, and unfortunately nothing you can do will change that. He's made his decision, and it's out of your control--as much as you would clearly like to change his mind through taking some action, it's just not going to happen. He already knows that you're still interested in being with him and that you still want to talk to him...but he hasn't chosen to act on that information and get back together with you. Quite frankly, I think you deserve a lot better: you deserve a guy who never doubts whether he wants to be with you, and I wouldn't suggest taking your ex back even if he did change his mind. No one who loves you the way you should be loved would cause you this much pain. I hope you do find a way to start moving on soon and that things get easier for you...in the meantime, hang in there and please avoid contacting your ex, for your own sake.
It was the hardest thing to do but I diddn't contact him for the whole 2 weeks. It was so so hard and I thought ok this is it! he will move on, meet somebody else and won't talk to me again! Well, today was the first time we talked again on msn! He admitted that he misses me and that he has been thinking a lot about me while I wasn't talking to him! he said that he realised that I am a good girl with really good qualities and that he is aware that it's hard to find a person like this nowadays! He said that he has been thinking a lot about us and our situation and that he discovered that we never really took time to get to know each other! I do agree with this because when we met, we jumped straight into a relationship and were intimate with each other pretty fast, which I regretted but it was too late to go back! He said that I am so much worth for him that he would like focus on me as a person! He said that he would like to get to know me and slowly build a foundation for our relationship. We both agreed that a relationship cannot possibly work without having a good and solid basement and foundation! I think this was lacking in our relationship and so we both agreed that it caused a lot of problems. We were both on different levels and so he said that his aim is to get to know me more deeply and grow together so we can be both on the same level and the relationship can feel natural to him. I think he felt under pressure from me but that's because I thought he was on the same level as me! He admitted that he made some really big mistakes and that he would like to correct them. I actually couldn't understand what went wrong but I think that today we both agreed and found the fundamental issue in our relationship! We did not take things slowly enough especially at the beginning.. the problem is that we are not living in the same country. But we agreed that it's worth to try even if the situation is not easy due to the distance. He also said that he would like to spend some time with me to do things, to explore things, to experience things together! I also would liek to do that! He said he wants to put aside his male physical instinct for now. He said that he would like to spend some time together without sleeping with each other because it's important for us to feel good together without necessarily being intimate so we can base our relationship on different values. He said that he realised that I am so much more worth and that he wants to do this with me!

I spoke to my parents and they both sounded happy for me but my dad said that he should be coming to me and making more efforts now.. We arranged that he will call me tonight but I have just received a text from him asking me if he could call me tomorrow that he hasn't got much time and that he is sorry and he said thanks and have a good night! I haven't replied because I don't have a credit but also I feel like I don't want him to take me for granted again! To be completely honest, I feel a little upset that he sent the text..I will wait till tomorrow but I am not sure whether to tell him that it upset me and that he needs to make more of an effort if he wants to really try what he says and to win my heart back! We still haven't discussed when are we going to meet and where.. but I hope that he will make his way to me!

What do you think about it?
No Lovingyou, you didn't stuff up. He's simply angry because you are not going along with his manipulative games. The reason he is angry for the questions is because he wanted to be intimate with you when he saw you, but without any strings, without you getting attached, and without him having to invest anything to you. It's quite simple. But he's now realised that he may not be able to use you for sex without you becoming involved with him again. He doesn't want that... CLEARLY. He just wants sex, and then be able to walk away and not give you another thought until perhaps he wants something from you again.

LovingYou, I can't tell you how sick this guy makes me.. his manipulative games and the fact that he is blatantly playing you for a fool. What makes me sadder though is that you play the game right into his hands. Stop worrying about what HE feels or what HE thinks is right; think about yourself and how YOU feel, how this non existant relationship makes YOU feel, and what YOU should do in the best interests for you moving on. I'm sorry, but he has no intention of being with you, being committed to you, and probably never will.

You say he needs to get to know you again. HA! Even if you did rush into things in the beginning of a relationship, by spending time together, or talking etc, that's how you can learn about each other. If he has to break up with you to know if he wants to be with you then he obviously didn't think very much of the relationship, or value it in anyway. It's just too hard to erase the love that was there and go back to the start. You don't need to break up to do it. If he is so easily able to "lower" his love for you, chances are that it probably was not really there to begin with, or that he fell out of love with you already. What other reason is there that he can "lower" his love so easily when you are struggling so hard? He's simply keeping you around as a convenience... or so that you don't find someone before he does. And if he finds someone else, do you really believe he will contact you again? No, he won't.

LovingYou, in your own best interests there is only one solution for you. Grab hold of your remaining dignity and self esteem, tell him to find someone else to use, and walk away with your head high. Otherwise you will be caught in this vicious cycle over and over again until he finally stops it all when he finds someone else to manipulate. It's nothing to do with you, it's just the person that he is. There may be no explanation, but the world is full of people that don't always have the best intentions and will step on people's feelings to get what they want without having to invest anything. Accept that he is one of these people. Accept that someone who loves or has loved you, or even wants to see if he can love you again, DOES NOT act like this. He would not treat you like this. He just wants to use you until he has no further need for you. It's heartbreaking I know, but the sooner you realise the sooner you can start to pull away and start to heal your heart.

Please, look out for your own best interests... this guy clearly is not going to.
[QUOTE=lovingyou]
Why was he telling me that he would like us to focus on me as a person, that I am a girl with good qualities and that I am so much worth it and that he would like to take things slowly and spend more time to get to know each other because we made that mistake when we started seeing each other... he said that if he wanted to be with me again that he needed to do that and we both agreed that a good relationship needs a good foundation and good freindship! I do understand that I spoilt it last time because I started to cry and I had all these questions about "us" and that pushed him away because he said he needed to work on what he wants and to be sure... he wanted us to be good friends at first and take things slowly so we can grow together (so he said) and now he does not even talk to me anymore. he does not communicate with me. [/QUOTE]

I think he was telling you these sweet things because he wanted the relationship to continue on the way it was on Easter weekend. No strings, no responsibilities, he liked the idea of being able to come in for a weekend, have sex with you, kiss you goodbye and then go back to his life. He wanted it to stay that way. Please quite beating yourself up. You did NOT push him away. All you did was make it clear to him that you love him and you want more than to be his part-time weekend piece of a$$. You have every right to want more for yourself, to want more out of the relationship. The problem is, he doesn't want to give you anymore than that. THAT'S where his discomfot comes from. He knows you want more from him than he is willing to give. He does not love you, but he knows you love him, and that's why he's uncomfortable. All this growing together and being friends crap is just his way of saying "I don't think I love you, but I like having you around to have sex with when I'm bored or lonely or horny, so can't we just keep it casual so I can have you to sleep with when I feel like it?" Ummm.. NOT!


[QUOTE=lovingyou]
He told me last time that we can't talk to each other if we are not on the same level.. I am trying hard to be on the same level but I am finding it still hard! I was still crying this morning missing him even though I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks!

You all are telling me to move on and not to contact him! I think it's the best for me but I still don't understand why is my friend telling me who also knows him very well that I could send him an email that maybe he is waiting for that?? [/QUOTE]


No, you are not on the same level. But it is NOT your job to "lower your love" so you can be on the same level. That's NOT how love works!!! It's ok that you love him. You shouldn't have to hide it or cover it up or apologize for the fact that you love him. He just doesn't love you back. And there's nothing you can do about that. I'm sorry, I know it hurts like no other hurt, believe me, I've been there. But he's made his choice. I think your friend probably does NOT understand the situation very well. I think it would be a very bad idea for you to send him an email and to keep contact with him. As long as you continue to try to keep this relationship going, you're going to be miserable. I really hope someday soon you'll be able to see that. You won't stop crying and hurting and being sad until you let go of him and this relationship, accept the fact that he just wasn't the one for you, and move on with your life without him. (((HUGS))) Hang in there. :angel:
I know you have strong feelings for this guy, LY, but it's seriously time to think with your head, not your heart. I knew this guy was bad news before, I've never made any secret about how much I do NOT like this guy, but NOW, after his latest antics, I can't understand why you are even thinking about keeping him in your life. Let's review.

He drives you crazy, so you break up with him. You change your mind and ask him to take you back, so he does, then he breaks up with you, but says "you have so many qualities so worth to me" so he says let's keep in touch. He visits you Easter weekend, is all lovey dovey, has sex with you, then just before he leaves, he says "now remember, we're not boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, so don't cry or I'll have to never see you again if it's going to hurt you." Then he blows you off, saying he doesn't mind talking to you but you ruin it with all your "questions" about your relationship and you have to "lower your love", until he wants a place to sleep and a warm body to hump on while he's in your area, so he calls you, and you say "no, it's too soon, I still have feelings for you and am not ready to do the "just friends" thing" so he gets mad, blows you off the whole weekend, so you block him on the internet thing to keep yourself from talking to him and from keeping tabs on him in an attempt to get on with your life. He notices, contacts you and calls you filthy names and says mean, nasty things to you for blocking him. You say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I think it's for the best. Bye." So he says "Oh, I'm so sorry, I guess you hate me now, I don't want you to hate me, I want to stay in your life, I want to be friends!!! Please talk to me!!"

Have I got that all right? This guy has no idea what he wants, he doesnt' know how to treat a lady, he is not the least bit concerned with your feelings and your welfare and what's best for you. He is erratic, and I agree, he is harrassing you now. So tell me again why you're confused about whether to stay friends and keep him in your life??? This is a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned.

I don't want to judge you, LY. I've been there. I know what it's like to be so hopelessly in love with someone who just isn't very good for us, but at the time, you just don't care, you'd rather be with him and let him destroy your life than feel the unbearable pain and loneliness of not being with him. I know how hard it is. I don't know what else I can say to you. As an objective observer, I can see that this man will make you utterly miserable as long as you allow him to. He enjoys keeping you in a constant state of confusion and instability, not knowing where you stand with him, he's enjoying keeping you on a string and playing with you like you were a yo-yo. If you love yourself at all, you'll stop letting him. But I know sometimes it can be so easy to love somoene else more than you love yourself. It can be easier to just let yourself crash against him and let him destroy you just to have him near you and just to not be lonely anymore, but in the long run, it can really hurt you, and the hurt he is inflicting now can take the rest of your life to mend, if you ever do. I wish you would love yourself enough to say "I'm done playing these games, this guy doens't love me, doesn't want me, he just likes playing games with me, and I'm better than that" and never contact him again. I'd love to see you put the blame where it belongs, on him. If he had cared about you at all, he would have understood that you loved him and he would have either respected your choice not to contact him until you were over the relationship without putting a guilt trip on you (I'm going to miss you, you're so special, I'm sorry you don't want to talk to me anymore, but I'l respect it blah blah blah) he didn't respect it, he used it as an opportunity to play with you. He wanted you around but on his terms, didn't want to talk about commitment, or his feelings for you or the future at all, got mad at you whenever you brought up the question of "will we be together again? Do you still love me?" And if he had given a crap about you, he NEVER would have been as nasty as he was to you for trying to move on with your life.

This is such an unhealthy situation on so many levels, LY, I just pray you can see that, and that soon you will love yourself enough to save yourself and kick him to the curb and move on while you still can, before he robs you of any more of your self esteem and confidence and self-security. Please think hard about it, LY.
Thank you all for your responses.. you know I really do read the replies from you all! I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if I couldn't come here and vent to you guys! When I compare myself to 6 months ago how I was chasing him and I wouldn't do anything then sitting at home waiting for a message? Now I feel much much stronger! It's just really hard because I loved him with all my heart! I am 26 and I think I have loved him the most... and now it's hard to get rid off the real love feelings inside me! It's hard when he really tells you so many things and is convincing you and unfortunately I trust a lot and I purely and innocently believe what he tells me.. I guess that's what makes i harder! Also I don't have the heart to tell him to **** off or whatever.. I think I am like my dad because he has let my mum treat him badly a lot of times.. I have tried to be stronger even for the sake of my dad and try to learn not to let anyone treat me badly but it's hard when you are kind of pure, innocent and honest and then you meet people and you don't know that they might not be like that.. but because you always so honest and pure to them, you don't even realise that he would do something like that...Of course I am not stupid and I know that he has been treating me badly a lot of times and that's why now I don't let myself go so far with him but it's true that I have a hard time with this one because I truly loved him and I gave this relationship a lot of energy and time and trust! But I have to say I am proud of myself at least a little because since yesterday when I sent him that email I haven't contacted him once. I wanted to send him an email today but I resisted and I thought NO! Tonight I met a very good friend of mine I haven't seen for a long time and I tried to concentrate on myself.. I refused to sit in my room being upset.. I have just come home and there is an email from him! I am not really sure how to react to it or whether he expects any kind of reaction from me?

Hi E.,
I am not irritated with you, of course not! Yes i wanted to give us a chance and to take things slowly but I cannot see any improvements between us so far since we talk to each other again. We are still not able to enjoy talking together without fighting, arguing or being aggressive and not nice to each other. It is not like i could imagine. We are not starting again and try again, we are more worried and concerned by talking about the past, about what is behind us than about something nice. It is not leading us anywhere like that and it is not enjoyable.

I'm not pushing you away at all, but we are not going closer to each other
neither. I think we both stay at the same point. When i propose to meet in
august, instead of being upset that we cant meet before and seeing in it a lackof enthousiasm from me, you could just have been motivated by this proposition.But you were upset. I dont think it is a way of going slowly...

good night xxx


What do you think he is saying? And what does it mean? I think I have a trouble to know sometimes.. What would you respond back to him?
[QUOTE=lovingyou]Thank you all for your responses.. you know I really do read the replies from you all! I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if I couldn't come here and vent to you guys! When I compare myself to 6 months ago how I was chasing him and I wouldn't do anything then sitting at home waiting for a message? Now I feel much much stronger! It's just really hard because I loved him with all my heart! I am 26 and I think I have loved him the most... and now it's hard to get rid off the real love feelings inside me! It's hard when he really tells you so many things and is convincing you and unfortunately I trust a lot and I purely and innocently believe what he tells me.. I guess that's what makes i harder! Also I don't have the heart to tell him to **** off or whatever.. I think I am like my dad because he has let my mum treat him badly a lot of times.. I have tried to be stronger even for the sake of my dad and try to learn not to let anyone treat me badly but it's hard when you are kind of pure, innocent and honest and then you meet people and you don't know that they might not be like that.. but because you always so honest and pure to them, you don't even realise that he would do something like that...Of course I am not stupid and I know that he has been treating me badly a lot of times and that's why now I don't let myself go so far with him but it's true that I have a hard time with this one because I truly loved him and I gave this relationship a lot of energy and time and trust! But I have to say I am proud of myself at least a little because since yesterday when I sent him that email I haven't contacted him once. I wanted to send him an email today but I resisted and I thought NO! Tonight I met a very good friend of mine I haven't seen for a long time and I tried to concentrate on myself.. I refused to sit in my room being upset.. I have just come home and there is an email from him! I am not really sure how to react to it or whether he expects any kind of reaction from me?

Hi E.,
I am not irritated with you, of course not! Yes i wanted to give us a chance and to take things slowly but I cannot see any improvements between us so far since we talk to each other again. We are still not able to enjoy talking together without fighting, arguing or being aggressive and not nice to each other. It is not like i could imagine. We are not starting again and try again, we are more worried and concerned by talking about the past, about what is behind us than about something nice. It is not leading us anywhere like that and it is not enjoyable.

I'm not pushing you away at all, but we are not going closer to each other
neither. I think we both stay at the same point. When i propose to meet in
august, instead of being upset that we cant meet before and seeing in it a lackof enthousiasm from me, you could just have been motivated by this proposition.But you were upset. I dont think it is a way of going slowly...

good night xxx


What do you think he is saying? And what does it mean? I think I have a trouble to know sometimes.. What would you respond back to him?[/QUOTE]


OKAY JUST DONT LISTEN TO HIM NO MORE GO OUT DISTRACT YOURSELF DO SOMETHING GO TO BARS, MEET PEOPLE GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS IS NOT LIKE IF YOU ARE GOING TO BUMP INTO HIM SO YOU WONT THINK ABOUT HIM, STOP WRITTING ABOUT HIM.. YOU REALLY NEED TO LET GO WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO HURT YOURSELF AND ITS ALREADY BEING 6 MONTHS HALF OF THE TIME THAT YOU WERE IN THAT RELATIONSHIP DONT YOU THINK THAT IS TIME TO FORGET ABOUT HIM AND SAY "NEXT" I DO .. AND I AM SURE OF OF THE OTHER PEOPLE THINK THE SAME WAY :o
[QUOTE=lovingyou]Well, to be honest with you at the moment I am not sure what my intentions are?? I am torn! One part of me is saying that he has put me through enough pain and I want to forget about him and move on and hopefully I will be able to do that! On the other hand, I really wanted to do what he suggested to take things slowly and to start again?? But I obvioulsy messed it up! I don't really know what his last email to me means? He sent it last night but I haven't responded as I don't really know whether he expects any reply or he told me that he is leaving for good? I mean when I read the email it seems like he has made up his mind now that we are not able to enjoy together... so i guess I am not doing anything as I am afraid of his reaction? Of course I am thinking of him a lot but I see myself being much stronger about this.. I just don't know what he meant when he said in the email that we are both staying in the same position :confused:

I am just not sure what to do next or what to expect next or whether to expect nothing from him anymore? Do you think the email sounds like a final one?? I am really not sure??[/QUOTE]

Lovingyou, if you re-read my last two posts to you, I told you what I think he is saying in that last email. Actually, I don't think he's ending things. I think he wanted you to do exactly what you're doing. He intended for the email to freak you out and worry you and make you think "Oh God, have I lost him for good now?? How can I fix it?? How can I make him want me again??" I'd say you've already given him exactly what he wanted in response to his email. But I think the first thing you have to do is figure out what you want from him. And then you have to look at the situation logically and objectively and honestly and figure out if you are ever really going to get what you want out of him. Personally, I don't think so. When a man really loves you, he doesn't have to think about it that hard. My ex put me through a lot of the same stuff. I spent a lot of time worrying about what I was doing wrong and could I fix it, and was I good enough for him, and etc. For two whole years he kept me on pins and needles, insecure and weepy, wondering how I could be so inadequate. He left me anyway, and then within just a few months of dating her, he moved in with the exact kind of woman he said he never wanted. The kind of woman I tried so hard not to be like in so many ways. He ended up marrying her. I know now that there probably wasn't anything I could have done to make him stay. He just didn't want me. He did the same thing your guy is doing, make me hope just enough to keep me there to use until he was done using me all up. Take it from one of those pathetic, pitiable women Envy was talking about a few posts back: if you hang around and wait and wait for him to finally decide he's done using you, you might not ever recover from it. It will change who you are, and how you see and feel about yourself. If you're smart, you won't let that happen. I say forget about whether or not he WANTS you to respond to his email. You still care way too much about what he wants and what will please him! Search your mind and do what's best for YOU for once. Tell him have a nice time, good luck, and you'll see him in August. Then like I said before, spend June and July building a life you can be proud of, with or without him. If he really loves you, by August, he'll be begging you to come back to him, and he'll be willing to do whatever it takes to make YOU Happy. If he doesn't, if he's still luke warm, "let's take it slow, you're still too clingy, lower your love," then you must be prepared to face the fact that he's simply not the one for you. Just because we love someone doesn't mean they have to love us back. The longer you put off accepting that, the longer it will take for your heart and spirit to heal. Pleast listen to me. Take care of yourself, because this guy certainly isn't.





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