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[QUOTE=lovingyou]:( yes we were intimate during he weekend... I know it's my fault I let it happen! I know I should have said no to that but it was so hard to be next to him the whole weekend... we were behaving with each other as if we were still a couple.. he was behaving with me exactly the same when he was still my boyfriend! He was so affectionate with me.. holding my hands, hugging me, kissing me,... it was not any different! That's why now I am sad because there is silence between us! I am not sure it would be really benefitial for him to be "friends with benefits" with me because we are in a long-distance relationship so we don't get to see each other often! It's just worrying me if now he decided not to talk to me.. and to disappear? but he was telling me so many nice things this weekend.. and he was so kind and caring! I miss him so much![/QUOTE]

Lovingyou, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but I agree 100% with everything Nini has said in her last few posts. No one is trying to kill your hopes to be mean or anything, it's just that many people here have gone through similar experiences and want to share the lessons they've learned so that others can avoid some of their mistakes (that unfortunately resulted in their learning these lessons the hard way). Please try to take a step back and see this situation objectively, as if it was unfolding between two people you barely know rather than between you and a man you love very much. I think it's pretty clear that he's pulling away from you and not interested in the sort of relationship you seem to want with him. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change the way someone feels or make them want something they don't want on their own. No matter how much you love him, how hard you're willing to work to make him happy, and how much you want to be with him, there's really nothing you can do if he doesn't want the same things. I wish there were some tips and tricks we could share that would make this guy love you and be with you the way you want him to, but if we could do that, we wouldn't have much left to write about here! :) There's very little logic involved in love and emotions, which is why you can't convince or manipulate someone into feeling something that just isn't there. It's certainly not your fault that he's not willing or wanting to commit to a serious relationship with you--please don't beat yourself up for doing something wrong. It won't help to dwell on the past and blame yourself when really there's no one to blame; it's just unfortunate that you two want different things from each other right now. Just because he was acting loving and affectionate does not mean that he wants to be like that all the time with you--he made it pretty clear that all he wants for the time being was to spend a nice weekend with you. Both men and women are capable of being affectionate and physical with people they don't love, even if their actions suggest otherwise. This is why the best way to deal with a breakup is almost always to cut off all contact, at least until the person who is hurting most is able to heal and move on. If he isn't willing to give you what you want and need from him (and what you deserve from any man!), then my advice is to preserve your dignity and protect yourself from further hurt by respecting his desire for time and space alone.

He's made it clear that he's not at all sure if he wants to be in a serious relationship with you, and since there's nothing you can do to change his mind, the best thing to do is focus on yourself and what's best for your well-being. You can't count on him to come back and make everything okay...if that doesn't happen, you'll just be unhappily waiting and hoping forever! You deserve better, and besides, there's nothing more appealing than independence and confidence. If you can find the strength to let go of him, stop clinging to hope and accept that what happens ultimately is out of your hands, you can devote your energy to living your own life and pursuing your own interests. Trust me, your guy will find you a lot more appealing if you're living a full and contented life on your own than if you're moping around waiting for him and constantly bugging him--neediness and dependence are two of the unsexiest qualities ever! I don't mean to be too blunt or harsh here, but your current approach isn't getting you anywhere, just keeping you dwelling on your sadness and loneliness and preventing you from getting on with your independent life and interests. Try to keep busy and pursue your goals...the only person you can rely on completely is yourself, so why not use this time to get closer to being the kind of person, with the kind of life, that you've always wanted to be? That way you'll be better off and more fulfilled with your life no matter what happens with this guy...and he'll be a big idiot not to take notice of what a prize he'd be losing if he doesn't want you ;). I know it's hard, I'm going through a tough time myself having lost my best friend, roommate & constant companion, and someone I love deeply all in one person...nothing is ever guaranteed in love and all you can control is your actions and outlook. It's a lot more fun (not to mention attractive to other people) if you're active and optimistic rather than depressed and clingy. Good luck and take care--if you hang in there, the pain will lessen gradually over time.
[QUOTE=lovingyou]I was strong and I didn't send him a message or an email after yesterday's conversation that went so wrong! He has just sent me an email that says:

[B]hope u're ok today and work is going well! I'm sorry about yesterday, i told u
many times yesterday I'm sorry so u shouldnt have got so upset. I thought u
didnt want to reply to me so i was worried. BUt after u told me the reason, i
trusted u but u kept on doubting. But i tell u u shouldnt. I trust u! so dont
get so offended please.

Have a good day and sorry again![/B]

So I guess I was the guilty one! Do you think I should reply back? I feel afraid that if I don't.. he won't talk to me ever again or he will not send me another message ever again! :([/QUOTE]

Honey, I think the only thing you're guilty of is being in a relationship that is murky, undefined and one that keeps you in a constant state of confusion. Lovingyou, love doesn't look like this. Real love doesn't keep your stomach in knots and it doesnt' keep you in tears, wondering is he going to be there tomorrow, oh I said something wrong in my email, now he'll never talk to me again. That's not healthy, secure real love, it just isn't. Let me ask you something, what do you honestly think he'd say if you told him straight up "I still love you and when we slept together the other weekend, it felt like we're still a couple and I still want to be a couple with you. I don't understand why you say you don't want to be with me anymore, then continue to sleep with me. If you need space, fine, but it hurts me to be in love with you and want to be with you and not know how you feel about me." I think you know deep down he'd most likely say something like "well, if it hurts you that badly,maybe we shouldn't talk or see each other anymore. I care about you but the distance, I'm confused, I'm into my career, I need space, blah blah blah blah blah..." I thin kyou know that's what he'd say. Do you really want to keep up a relationship with someone you have to be on pins and needles around so much? You have a new job that you need to learn and focus on. Please Please Please [B]PLEASE[/B] don't blow it over this guy. What's at the bottom of all this drama and confusion and tension is the fact that you want to be his girlfriend, but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Yes? That's really what it all boils down to. As you know, my advice to you has been to just break off all contact with him and not worry about whether you'll ever hear from him again. But it seems you can't or won't take that advice, which I understand. I know the feelings can run so very deep, and sometimes these things just have to run their course. But he's made it so very clear that if you guys are going to stay in contact, then you must play by his rules. I DO NOT think you're to blame for the little email quarrel you had, but he wants you to think it was your fault, thereby taking the focus off the fact that he broke up with you, then turned around and slept with you without getting back together with you, knowing you still love him. In my book, that's a lousy, crappy, lowdown dirty rotten thing to do to a woman. I'll be blunt, I don't like this guy at all. I don't like what he's doing to you at all. I don't like all the confusion and pain he's put you in. BUT...having said that, if you insist on keeping contact with him, let's take baby steps. Before you touch the keyboard or the IM keypad or whatever to contact him again, I want you to chant to yourself twenty (20) times "He's not my boyfriend anymore, he broke up with me, he's just my friend." Say that to yourself 20 times and try to keep it in your head, and if you hear the word "why" pop into your head at any time during this, pinch yourself and get it out of your head. "WHY" is no longer in your vocabulary when it comes to him and his breaking up with you and his being with you but at the same time not being with you. Communicate with him just like you would communicate with any other man in the world who is NOT your boyfriend. Can you do that? In the meantime, have an awesome day at your new job, focus and learn and do well, kick butt and take names and be excellent and brilliant, and let me know what you think about what I've said to you. :angel:





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