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[QUOTE=lovingyou]
I cannot understand the sudden change in his behaviour! He is so convinced now! he sounds so sure! he sounds like he knows that he doesn't want me now anymore! he was so different when he came here 2 weeks ago :( :(
![/QUOTE]

LY, I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly, I really do feel for you. I do agree with Snails, though. His words haven't changed from when he first broke up with you. The thing that confused you was the weekend you spent together. He was different in his behavior then because he wanted to get laid, but his words were the same. You just weren't listening to them then. this guy may be honest now, but it wasn't honest of him to sleep with you when he knew that you still loved him. Personally, I still really don't like this jerk at all. He has handled this situation very poorly in my opinion. The to turn it around on you and make you feel bad for wanting to cut off contact with him and calling you selfish and only thinking of yourself has me seeing [COLOR=Red]RED[/COLOR] I think it's pretty crappy of him to not see how he's hurting you and how you obviously still feel too strongly for him to be just friends now. He should be doing everything possible to make this easier for you, and instead he's only thinking of himself. But at least you know the truth now. As much as it hurts, there's no denying it's over, at least for the next few YEARS! :eek: :rolleyes: You must do what you can to move on NOW.

There's only one thing I disagree with Snails on. Time does not always heal everything. It's been seven, (7), count them, SEVEN years for me since my ex dumped me, and it still cuts like a knife every day. Trust me, LY, you DO NOT want to be feeling what you're feeling now for the next seven years and beyond. You must break off all contact with this guy for good. Not one more email, not one more note, not one more IM, nothing. Cut him out of your mind, your memory and your life. The longer you hold on and keep hoping he'll come back one day, the longer you'll get used to waiting for him and the longer it will take for you to move on, and then one day, you won't be able to. I beg you, please, take it from someone who's living this hell, please don't let it happen to you, too. Please, get your butt in a bubble bath, take up a new hobby, have a girl's night out with your girlfriends, rally friends and family around and surround yourself with as much support and company as you can, move, get a new job, whatever you have to do to get this guy out of your system for good and as soon as possible. I really dont' want to see you still feeling this way in another 7 years, and trust me, you don't want that, either.
[QUOTE=lovingyou]It's been only a few days and I MISS HIM terribly! I actually feel sad and I think I am hurting even thought I try not to think about it all the time! but I think I was hoping that my decision will move him a little that he may send me a message but he hasn't! He has not said a single word since our last conversation! I know that realistically I should not expect anything from him because it was my decision to cut the contact completely but I cannot actually accept and imagine that we would not hear from each other! I am seriously doubting my decision!!! I lost someone who I love so much because I decided something that was against my will! It's crazy!! Do you think it would be a mistake to send me him a message? I am scared that if I don't and I will try to contact him later like in a month or so he will not respond to me anymore! It's so hard!! I feel that it was a mistake to close the door completely!! I still love him so much and I still miss him terribly! I miss his messages and his emails! They used to make me happy and now I decided not to be open to him anymore! I took away my happiness by my decision! I think it was wrong??!!! I am sad! I can't deal with the fact that he would not be longer a part of my life! He has been so so important for me and now I rejected him so much! I was stupid!![/QUOTE]

Hi Lovingyou, Julia gave you some excellent advice and I hope you are able to accept what she said. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that most of your posts suggest that you're avoiding seeing this situation as it really is. Unfortunately, it wasn't your choice to end this relationship or for your ex to move on; it was his decision, and there's nothing you can do to change someone's mind once they decide that they no longer want to be with you. I think you still need to move past the first stage of mourning this loss, denial--it sounds like you haven't really let yourself absorb the reality that he no longer wants to be involved in a relationship with you. I've been going through the same sort of thing lately and believe me, I know how hard it is to admit to yourself once and for all that it's over when you still love someone and want to be with them more than anything. But you can't force him to feel the same way, and refusing to accept this fact and believing that what happens with your ex is within your control is denial, a stage that will keep you from proceeding through the grieving process until you if you allow it to linger. Not to mention that the longer you hold out hope that he'll change his mind and come back, the longer denial will keep you stuck in a miserable sort of uncertainty and limbo. I was devestated when my ex left as well, but fortunately for me, the denial phase didn't last long because I forced myself to accept that the relationship was over as soon as that fact became clear. I really think not holding out false hopes of reconciliation after my ex voiced his feelings made my healing process shorter and easier overall. Denial, in my opinion, is the hardest stage of grief to move past, because it involves accepting a painful truth that you really, really don't want to acknowledge. But while it might seem easier and less painful to keep your hope alive that he'll come back, in reality it will just make your healing process more difficult and prolonged. It wasn't your choice to "close the door" on your relationship; therefore, it's not within your control to keep your relationship alive by staying in touch with him. You can talk to him, but that won't being you two back together, and generally I think it's a very bad idea to be friendly with someone who has left you until you are completely and truly over the breakup.

Men who aren't sure if they want to end a relationship don't break up with you--sad as that may be, it's really just that simple. If he was going to change his mind anytime soon, he wouldn't have ended things with you. He's made his choice; the next step for you is to accept his decision and get used to the idea that the relationship is over. Only then will you be able to move on with your life...and trust me, no matter how impossible it seems that you will get over this hurt and feel happy again, it will happen, but not until you move past denial and begin to mourn the loss of your relationship. I'm about a month past that stage and within the past week, I've noticed that I'm starting to be generally happy, confident, and optimistic again, rather than mostly sad, abandoned, and grief-stricken. You too will turn that corner and move forward with your life, but first you need to make a conscious effort to accept that the relationship is over and begin to heal. If you continue to hold out hope of reconciling and refuse to believe that it's really over, your chances of moving on, feeling better, and finding love and happiness again are much lower (and will take much longer). Please learn from the mistakes others here have made following breakups and don't allow yourself to get stuck and never get over this loss. You have your whole life ahead of you, and if this guy isn't smart enough to see what a great woman he had, he isn't the right guy for you. But somewhere there is a guy who will love you permanently and completely, and I know we'd all hate to see you too hungup on your ex to move on and meet the guy who's right for you in the long run. In my view, you should definitely not contact your ex--realize that while you may have decided to cut off communication, he's the one who ultimately made that decision by choosing not to be with you anymore. Please don't beat yourself up and feel stupid for anything you've done...you didn't have a choice about ending the relationship, and the sooner you admit to yourself that he rejected you rather than vice versa, the sooner you can begin to move on with your life and find a guy who really wants to be with you.

PS--Is there any particular reason you use exclamation points at the end of every sentence rather than periods? I've been curious about that for a while if you don't mind explaining...;)
[QUOTE=lovingyou]Thanks everyone for the encouragement... and the support!

I have been trying to be really strong about it but I am feeling so down! Every morning I get up I have tears in my eyes! Every evening I go to bed I think of him, I miss him and I wish I could talk to him! I blocked him on msn but he is signed on every day! I wonder whether he is waiting for me to sign on?

I am so weak! I feel like I can't move on! I still hope and I still feel like it can't be true.. there was such a strong connection between us! Especially now after I had a chat with his flatmate I feel like I should call him or at least email him.. I feel like I want to talk to him once more time before I can finally know that there is no chance whatsoever... I love him! I have never had anyone so deep in my heart like him! It hurts so much every day! I have to work every day and I hate that I have to put on such a false happy face! Inside I am in pain!! I feel like I cannot accept that he would end it! He has asked about me his flatmate so I guess he must be missing me and wondering what is going on too???

I am scared that the no contact will only push him away and will make him not want me anymore! I am scared that he will think that I am no interested and I don't care if I don't talk to him again! I want to contact him so badly!!! But I am so scared that it will go wrong that I will say the wrong thing... but at the same time I want to tell him how I feel to see how he feels? Especially after the chat with his flatmate I feel like I should? I am so weak! I thought I could but I can't do it without him! :([/QUOTE]

LY, you are getting such great advice here that I think we're a bit confused why you keep posing the same questions we've already answered over and over. I guess it just takes longer for things you don't want to hear to sink in when you're going through such a tough time. I'm really sorry that this whole situation is causing you so much pain, especially since I'm also going through a recent breakup. But the way you're thinking right now, clinging to hope and desperately trying to glimpse signs that this is all a mistake, is just prolonging your suffering and making the situation much harder on you than it has to be. Your feelings of confusion, sadness, and frustration will continue until you fully accept your ex's decision...it doesn't seem to have hit you yet that he's the one that wants to break up, that he's the one that doesn't want to be with you, and not vice-versa. Yes, you told him you couldn't talk to him for awhile because it's too painful, but that doesn't mean it was your choice or your decision to cut off contact. You really don't have another option if you want to have any peace of mind unless of course he changes his mind about breaking up. But you have already talked to him several times and made your feelings clear; he obviously knows you'd still like to be his girlfriend, but over and over he has repeated his desire to be single and no longer in a relationship with you. That was his choice, and there's nothing you can do to change it--refusing to accept the reality of the situation may seem to blunt your pain right now, but ultimately your denial will cause you more pain in the long run than if you accept that the relationship is over as of now and begin moving on with your life without him.

Please remember that it's completely normal to feel lonely, sad, and just plain miserable after a breakup. You are not any different from anyone else who goes through a similar ordeal in that regard...it doesn't mean you're weak just because you're hurting, but it also doesn't mean that you are meant to be with your ex or that everything will eventually work out between you guys. As Nini said, whether or not you choose to see it, your ex is selfish, manipulative, and knows just how to mess with your emotions in order to keep you hanging on to the tiniest shred of hope in case he does change his mind or wants a booty call. I know that you probably feel like no one can possibly understand how much you hurt, miss him, and love him, but in actuality, these feelings are quite common following just about every breakup. It's normal to mourn the loss of someone you love, but in order to begin the grieving process and move toward healing, you first need to admit to yourself that despite your best efforts, the relationship is over for good. The longer you hold out hopes to the contrary, the longer you will delay the healing process that you need to experience in order to move on, and the more difficult, painful, and prolonged that process will eventually be for you.
I would hate to see you spend years moping around just because of one guy who quite frankly doesn't seem nearly as interested or concerned with you. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you; all you can control is how you respond. Since your ex is only thinking of himself and his own selfish interests, you need to be similarly self-focused and from now on do only what is best for you. Is it better for you to be left in this miserable limbo indefinitely, or is it better to accept that he has moved on and that you need to do the same? I think the latter option is much better for you in the long run and will give you a much better chance of being happy and even finding love again before too long.

Again, I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time, but it will get easier in time if you take steps toward moving on with your life. If not, I fear that you will have a much tougher time getting past this painful ordeal...I strongly suggest that you don't call him, no matter how much you want to talk to him. He's not going to take you back or change his mind, and since that's what you'd be hoping for, talking to him will only make you sadder and more disappointed. However, maybe you need to do that to finally get it through your head that the relationship is over...but you're probably not going to find anyone to encourage you to keep contact going with your ex, because we all know how much additional pain that can cause following a breakup. Nini is right about the last paragraph of your post--he doesn't want you now, and unfortunately nothing you can do will change that. He's made his decision, and it's out of your control--as much as you would clearly like to change his mind through taking some action, it's just not going to happen. He already knows that you're still interested in being with him and that you still want to talk to him...but he hasn't chosen to act on that information and get back together with you. Quite frankly, I think you deserve a lot better: you deserve a guy who never doubts whether he wants to be with you, and I wouldn't suggest taking your ex back even if he did change his mind. No one who loves you the way you should be loved would cause you this much pain. I hope you do find a way to start moving on soon and that things get easier for you...in the meantime, hang in there and please avoid contacting your ex, for your own sake.





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