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Hi everyone, (this is very long, sorry)

I finally just ended my relationship with the jerk I've been with for over two years. It was an abusive relationship- he was manipulative, and somewhat verbally and physically abusive. The relationship has been "dead" for a while now, and I've been "ignoring him" and "pulling away" for months, but I didn't have the guts to actually say GOODBYE until today. And as much as my mind knows it's right, I'm already regretting it and scared. I'm scared of being alone, I'm scared because I'm afraid that I'm going to want him back and he's not going to want me, I'm scared because I was quite codependent, and I'm so incredibly sad because I cannot at all picture my life without him, even though he's barely ever around. I love this man more than anything. Despite how cruel he can be, I think he's the most beautiful person I've ever met, and that makes me mad, because I just want to hate him. I know I should for all that he's done to me. Anyway, this is how it ended.

We have been fighting nonstop and ignoring each other since the beginning of February, or maybe even before that, it's hard to remember anymore. I don't know if anyone remembers my last thread, but it was about how I asked him if he loved me a couple of weeks before Valentine's Day, and how he couldn't answer me or say he loves me. I took that as him not loving me, and I think rightfully so. He claims he has trust issues with females and blah blah blah, but I think after two years if you can't say I love you and certainly aren't showing it, you can't possibly love that person. Anyway, last night, I guess he talked to a friend of mine after work, and she said that I was terribly upset and having a nervous breakdown, and it was pretty much because of him. Which is true. For weeks I've been crying constantly, having extreme anxiety, and dry heaving I've been so lonely and upset. So, he shows up at my house to ask me what's the matter with me, even though he knows, because we've been talking about ending the relationship for good all week. I told him the truth. That I've been upset because we never talk anymore, he never wants to hang out with me, he's never around, he never calls, he's always out partying with his friends, and only calls me at 2:00am for a booty call, which he happened to do last Saturday, which I hung up on him, knowing that is what he wanted from me. Which, by the way, I gave in Sunday, knowing that we were going to break up, but in my mind, I figured it was a one last time. I was holding on to the fact that he might love me, and might say he loved me, I guess, which of course, didn't happen. All of this was actually being spoken of in a joking manner, since my boyfriend is uncomfortable with anything serious. He "jokingly" said that yes, he did call me for a booty call, and that he was drunk, but it's not like we're not going out and that he "cares" about me, so what's the big deal? I responded that it is a big deal because, "No offense, but it's bad enough that I'm even still going out with you when you don't love me at all, it's bad enough I'm staying in a loveless relationship, and then you call me at 3:00 in the morning because you're drunk and horny, so you can sleep with me, and then KICK ME OUT like you always do, not even sharing your bed with me." By making that statement, I was hoping that he would tell me that I'm wrong, that he does love me, but of course, I was just fooling myself. He actually laughed and said, "Yeah, I do kind of do that, don't I?" There was silence and then he says, "Well, you just didn't want to come over because you were too busy cheating on me with Gary." All week he has been accusing me of sleeping with this long-time scummy friend of his with 10 children, Gary, because Gary HAS been trying to get with me. But, I've been letting my boyfriend listen to EVERY single message he has left me, and told him every detail. And yet still, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him with Gary, and then matter of factly tells me that he lost his feelings a long time ago, because I've been "cheating on him our entire relationship." Now it was my turn to laugh. It is true that he has accused me of cheating at least 5 times in two years, and I haven't cheated even once. His ex-fiance before me did cheat on him numerous times, so he does have trust issues. But the funny thing is that in the BEGINNING of our relationship, he ADMITS to having an EMOTIONAL affair with his "best friend" and co-worker. So now I respond with, "Did you fall out of love with me before or after you slept with Tara?" He laughed, gave me an evil look, and said, "Oh, sleeping with Tara doesn't count." I couldn't believe it. He actually admitted it. I said, "you're finally going to admit it to me!!??" And then he claims he was kidding, which I certainly don't think that he was.

Anyway, this conversation was I guess the conversation signaling the end. After two years of me believing, or wanting to believe, or lying to myself, I'm not sure which one, that he actually loved me, I finally heard it from his mouth that he doesn't, and this is what I've been waiting for. All this time I've been staying with him just waiting for him to say, "I love you." Everyone around me for months and months has been telling me over and over that I've been being used, but I was just completely blind to it. My mom found me sobbing at the kithen table today, and asked me why I was so shocked when I knew all along he didn't love me. But I DIDN'T know all along. I never would've purposely put myself in a relationship that was loveless. I believed he did love me, not just care. All of those times that he made passionate love to me and held me, the at least 8 kisses I received from him daily, the way he could always make me laugh when I was upset....

I just can't believe it. Even though he outright TOLD me he didn't love me, or at least nodded when I said that he didn't, I still want to believe that he does. I was manipulated and blinded for so long that it's unbelievable. And even if he DID love me, everything else in our relationship was still horrible, as he was just unable to committ to me the way that I wanted him to. He's immature, still wants to party, and only comes to me when he has nothing else to do. And that's the truth, and I know that in my heart, but staying away from him is going to be the hardest thing I'm ever going to have to do. When he left last night, he kissed me, several times. I asked him why he was kissing me, and just kissed me again, said goodnight, and left. We actually left the conversation unfinished but it was 5am by the time he left. When I woke up this morning, I knew what I had to do. If I didn't do something, we would just stay how we are now, with him using me at his convienence. I wrote him a six page letter, put it on his bed, and left it for him to read before work. It was a goodbye letter. Everything inside of me wants call him and take it back, and say I was wrong to leave him, but my mind is screaming, "No!." Please, help me stay strong throughout this. If anyone has any words of encouragement, they would be greatly appreciated.
~Katalina





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