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Some of you may remember I mentioned a co-worker who made some comments that might suggest he found me attractive? Well, today he was leaving as I was reporting in for work, and he was checking messages and he was joking with me, repeating the voice mail lady saying "you have...NO...new messages" and I said "don't you hate that? Makes you feel so unloved!" And he said "yeah, no one wants to talk to me, not even my WIFE, no girls, no one" and I thought to myself "uh...say WHAT??!!"

Not that I'm interested in getting anything going with this guy, for many reasons I think it's a bad idea, but did I read it all wrong? I mean, at a meeting I guess it was last spring, I sat down and he sat down next to me, grabbed my chair and pulled it to him and said "come here, cutie!" And a few weeks ago, the comment about not sitting right next to me because he didnt' want to get flustered of whatever. I guess some men just use that as a way of relating to all women? After 7 years of heartache and crying my eyes out every day, I'm just so not in the mood to be played around with. Did I miss something, or just read too much into it? How can I be smarter about this whole man business, or should I just check into the nearest abbey/convent right now? :(
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Some of you may remember I mentioned a co-worker who made some comments that might suggest he found me attractive? Well, today he was leaving as I was reporting in for work, and he was checking messages and he was joking with me, repeating the voice mail lady saying "you have...NO...new messages" and I said "don't you hate that? Makes you feel so unloved!" And he said "yeah, no one wants to talk to me, not even my WIFE, no girls, no one" and I thought to myself "uh...say WHAT??!!"

Not that I'm interested in getting anything going with this guy, for many reasons I think it's a bad idea, but did I read it all wrong? I mean, at a meeting I guess it was last spring, I sat down and he sat down next to me, grabbed my chair and pulled it to him and said "come here, cutie!" And a few weeks ago, the comment about not sitting right next to me because he didnt' want to get flustered of whatever. I guess some men just use that as a way of relating to all women? After 7 years of heartache and crying my eyes out every day, I'm just so not in the mood to be played around with. Did I miss something, or just read too much into it? How can I be smarter about this whole man business, or should I just check into the nearest abbey/convent right now? :([/QUOTE]


Eeeeeeeekkkkk :eek: :eek: Oh, Nini.....I can't believe that this is the same guy Goody and others here were pushing you into the watercloset with!!!!!!
Please forgive me, my friend. ;) Wow.....well Nini, he definitely is flirting and as Evy said he will continue to get his ego filled so long as you respond. Don't even give him the satisfaction. :nono: I mean.....I really find it unacceptable for guys to complain about their wives to other woman....just so they can get some satisfaction out of the response. :nono: For all we know he's just ignoring his wife & putting his efforts elsewhere, when he should be spending his time making her smile and working on things at home. But not all guys do this....and besides you said you're not interested in him anyway, that he's not your type.

And as your personal dating advisor, PLEASE stay away from the married guys, you deserve way better than that. ;) Now's not the time to lower your standards :nono: Remember, what comes around goes around. Stay away......and keep up with the online dating....Goody :wave:
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Yeah, thanks Ruth, I guess it helps a little just knowing other women have trouble seeing the line as well, and I'm not just a total moron. :confused: I just find this all so exhausting enough without having to wade through the BS and game playing.[/QUOTE]

Nini, I'm so sorry to hear that this guy turned out to be full of BS...there really isn't any great way to tell when someone's being sincere and when someone's just casually joking around. Reading your post actually made me feel a little guilty--I've always been a very flirty person by nature, even with guy friends for whom I have no romantic feelings, and your experience made me realize that while such behavior seems fun and harmless to me, it could be misleading and hurtful to others. It sounds like he was just trying to be friendly and flirty--I doubt he had any intention to disappoint you or follow through on his flirting--but that doesn't make it any easier for you (or anyone) to be able to tell the difference between joking around and sending out romantic signals. To some people, there really is a game-like aspect to it--well, let me see if I can get this guy to like me, or let's see how many guys I can get to flirt with me, or let me see if I can feel better about myself today by getting some guy to pursue me...but ultimately, it's not really fair or harmless to toy with people in that way. I wish I could say it was just men who engaged in these games, but I've definitely played myself quite a few times. Remember that not every guy who flirts with a lot of girls is a total jerk or a player who cheats and sleeps around...but Nini, you're right to note that the line between such behaviors is pretty thin and often blurry. I'm glad I read through this thread; it helped me realize that I should be more concerned and careful about how other people feel, rather than telling myself that it's all harmless fun. That said, there's nothing wrong with flirting in moderation with people who are available...it keeps you feeling attractive and desired and helps keep your flirting skills sharp for when you really need them.

Oh Nini, my heart really aches for you having to go through so much loneliness and disappointment. You are so wise, caring, generous, and sensitive--it just doesn't seem fair that you can't find someone who will love and appreciate all your wonderful qualities, when so many jerks and losers have no trouble finding relationships. Know that we are all pulling for you, and here to support you whenever you need a place to vent or some friendly support. I for one refuse to believe that your streak of bad luck can possibly continue for much longer...I'm hoping that if you keep an open mind about dating online, some great guy will come along before you know it :) and give you all the love you've waited for for way too long.

Sophia, I'll write more to you on the appropriate thread (online dating), but please don't get too discouraged about not hearing from this guy yet. For all you know, he could REALLY like you and be extremely nervous about coming on too strong...so just try to be as relaxed and laidback as possible. You're an amazing woman with tons to offer, and only an idiot guy wouldn't see that. Anything that is meant to be will work out naturally, and if a guy isn't interested in pursuing anything further with you, I'm sure it's because of his own issues and has nothing to do with you. But anyway, I'll save the rest of this for the other thread and will stop here and go back to wishing you luck from afar for the time being. Happy Easter everyone and have a great night!
okay, i've got the answer to what this thread is ostensibly about. get your pens out and take this down- the trick to reading men? stop trying to read them!! it's so not worth it! if a guy flirts with you, feel free to flirt back, but unless there is some sort of concrete invitation to go out with him, assume that it's all in fun. if you always assume that, then you can never go wrong, because if you do find out he's legitimately interested, then it's just a pleasant surprise. all the energy we ladies put into trying to figure everything out can really be better spent on other stuff. whenever i catch myself falling into overanalytical mode, i remind myself of the futility of it.
Speaking of "He's Just Not That Into You." Lots of people at work got that book and believe it or not, it really does have some useful information in it. It is a good read. The philosophy of the book has an outlook like one of the previous posts on here (I think from Opie) and it said if they don't ask you out then take it all in fun and go on. A guy is into you if he ACTUALLY asks you out, calls you, etc. We do complicate things b/c we try to read between the lines. Speaking of which, maybe I should go back and re-read that book again. It is entertaining as well as informative. :)

I think we try to read into what guys are doing or saying to us b/c women are not traditionally supposed to be the one to initiate asking a guy out, so we use flirting as our tool to let them know we are interested. So then we think guys are doing the same thing and they usually aren't.....Never mind all of this, I think I should start reading it again now, lol.

Good luck to we single women everywhere.
[QUOTE=Snails]I agree with that book and Opie. I have never understood why people waste time analyzing relationships and making everythiing more complicated than it has to be. If you use someone's actions to gauge what they're feeling, you'll almost always be right on. I can remember a lot of occasions while I watched while female friends obsessed over their relationships and ended up creating problems and drama when nothing was actually wrong! Overthinking anything is never good. The other way to get into trouble like this is when people get in the habit of making excuses for bad behavior or refusing to accept what the behavior is indicating because they'd prefer to think optimistically and keep their hopes up. I've never had too much trouble reading guys' signs as to whether they were interested or just flirting casually--I think they're pretty obvious (since guys are pretty simple, sorry guys). Nini, if you are still looking for tips as to how to tell what a guy wants from you, I would suggest checking the library for a book about how to read body language and facial reactions. It's also important to be honest with yourself and try to see situations objectively, rather than allow your interpretations to be colored by what you want to see. Hey Nini, how have you been doing lately? Have you come across any promising potential dates? I have my fingers crossed and am sending good wishes your way :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the good wishes Snails. Just one bite on the dating scene, a guy who left me his number. I called and left a message to tell him I'd call him tomorrow since I'm so insanely busy at work this week. We'll see how it goes. I'm done with the on line dating thing as I said in the other thread on online dating. I gave it a really good shot I think.

I've actually always been fairly good at reading people. My problem is believing what I see instead of believing what I want to believe. Just having the courage to be honest with myself is where I get hung up, and trusting my instincts and walking away when I know I should. I'm jsut so sick of being alone and always walking away or seeing other people walk out of my life, that I tell myself it isn't really what I think it is and make excuses so I can keep that person in my life a little longer. Like my music guy. I know he's not really a friend and didn't reallyc are about me as a friend, just what I could do for him. He left town and didnt' even tell me where he was going or if he'll be back. I'll probably never see him again, I suppose no great loss, but still, just one more person walking away from me, just like everyone else. Then that makes me think, well, maybe I should have let him move in for a while, even though I know I would have been miserable having him and his drug-using friends hanging out all the time, but maybe it wouldn't have been as bad as I imagined and I would have been being there for a friend in need and he'd still like me.

I think I knew all along that the co-worker's flirting wasn't serious, it just threw me for a bit of a loop when he mentioned a wife! I take men flirting too seriously. I think they actually mean it when 9 times out of 10 they don't. I already KNOW it, I just need to ACT on it.
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]And Realguy, yes, what you say is true, and I think goes without saying. But I get the feeling you think I go out on a date and immediately start off with "boy I sure do miss my ex. He was so great and cute, not at all like you, I wish I were with him right now instead of you!" Eh, no. I've said before I never even mention my ex at all unless they ask about my past relationships, and then I keep it brief, concise and without detail. I keep it positive, and smile as much as possible without looking goofy or insane! :D[/QUOTE]

Nini, I believe you. You might be the sweetest, most polite and courtious person, and you will still meet people who aren't going to appreciate it. You know, those guys have issues too, many of them a lot more major issues than yours. Your issue of being somewhat stuck on the ex pales in comparison to some of these people's issues. My friend knows this guy who is 47, never married, and has been doing the online dating for YEARS! He met some nice, elligible women too, but he rejects them all for really trivial reasons, all the while claiming he wants to get married and have children. He just has such a severe phobia of commitment that I don't believe he can ever change. I met him once briefly--he's an average guy, short, slightly balding, nothing really special about him that I could see. Apparently, he was interested in dating me! That was the best joke I've ever heard. And I bet you, if I did agree to date him, he would find a reason to dump me too, I'm convinced. So, don't feel bad if some bozo doesn't seem interested. It might have nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with them. Remember, we just need ONE guy who is right for us, that is one for you and one for me, respectively :D
Well, Lisa, maybe it's not "instant chemistry" or "love at first sight" per se, but I believe the guy has to feel you're really special to even have that incentive to pursue you. Otherwise he wouldn't bother. There are SO many other women available just around the corner. I think women have it harder than men because there are just not enough decent men who are interested in a real relationship for every fabulous woman out there. Maybe I'm biased, but in my city, there seems to be so many gorgeous, educated, successful young women and not nearly as many guys who can even compare, so everyone wants the limited pool of guys. It's madness, seriously.
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Well, Lisa, maybe it's not "instant chemistry" or "love at first sight" per se, but I believe the guy has to feel you're really special to even have that incentive to pursue you. Otherwise he wouldn't bother. There are SO many other women available just around the corner. I think women have it harder than men because there are just not enough decent men who are interested in a real relationship for every fabulous woman out there. Maybe I'm biased, but in my city, there seems to be so many gorgeous, educated, successful young women and not nearly as many guys who can even compare, so everyone wants the limited pool of guys. It's madness, seriously.[/QUOTE]

No, Sophia, you are NOT biased - or else I am too, because I feel the exact same way. So many great single women are just wasting away while guys I wouldn't even call "barely adequate" have no problem finding women. And so many women put up with the worst behavior just to keep those awful men - because being alone is almost like a death sentence. (Well, at least that's how it feels sometimes, doesn't it?)

This is so depressing. :(





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