It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Online Dating
Mar 27, 2005
Hi guys,

Since I'm back on the market now :confused:, I was hoping we could keep each other posted and provide advice about our online dating efforts. I know several of you lovely ladies :wave: have been trying your luck with dating sites lately as discussed on one of Nini's past threads. I hope you're all having good luck and enjoyable experiences so far--I'd love to hear updates from anyone who's been trying dating online about how it's been going, what kind of guys you've been meeting, what types of profiles and methods of contacting dates have been either effective or not, etc. Really any information at all would be helpful and interesting...I know I for one would greatly benefit from the input of other people in the same boat and anyone with advice to offer. Hopefully we can help each other get the most out of this experience and the best chances of finding a great partner!

Personally, I posted a profile about a month ago, just for kicks really, because I wanted access to look at some guys my aunt was dating on that particular site. Soon after, my then boyfriend and I separated briefly and were struggling with serious problems--I wasn't sure what was going to happen, so while I wasn't interested in dating anyone else and wasn't active on the site, I left my profile up. Soon after that, we broke up and so now I'm 100% single, back on the market, and free to see anyone I want :). I'm pretty excited...I've always been kind of like the stereotypical guy in being very interested in lots of different men and being eager to get physical with guys I find extremely appealing. Before I settled down with my last boyfriend (who wasn't my first long term relationship, just the first really mature one), I used to regularly juggle several guys at a time. I always had a lot of guy friends from different places and would sometimes get involved with them--I liked playing the field and having lots of attractive options. While I'm still quite sad over the breakup, I am putting in the past and doing my best to move on and make this a clean break. While this is more painful than prior breakups, I've always moved on pretty quickly when things ended because it had been clear to me that things were doomed for quite some time. I definitely don't want to jump into anything serious or start a new relationship, I don't see why I should deny myself the fun of casual dating now that I'm single again.

So here's what has happened so far...I went back and looked through my messages from the site I joined awhile back and saw some interesting possibilities. I winked or emailed some of them and have been chatting with a few cute guys for awhile. One guy in particular emailed me when I was going through messages, and the pictures in his profile were literally some of the sexiest images I'd ever seen. He looked like Taye Diggs except with a stronger, better body, and he's a football player (I have a weakness for really hot athletes :D.) We started chatting online and hit it off really well--we had a lot in common and saw a lot of things the same way. I'm really interested in meeting him in person to see if he's possibly as great as he seems...I'm kind of skeptical that someone could be like that and that I could meet him right away. But he's very interested in me and understanding about what I'm looking for right now...I think I'm going to meet him somewhere safe and public sometime soon, maybe for dinner. There are also a few other guys that have a lot of potential...how do you guys think I should handle things from here on in? Is it important to email back and forth for a long time before you meet in person? I kind of feel like I want to meet them so I don't end wasting time with someone I don't like at all in person. What should I be careful about, other than telling someone where I am, and calling to check in, being sure to meet somewhere safe, and wait until he's long gone to leave? What kind of things do you guys talk about with people you meet online? How often do you contact them, and how do you go about setting up dates? I feel completely new and clueless about this...any help, stories, experiences, or suggestions at all would be very much appreciated. Thanks guys--hope you're all having a fun weekend and doing well :).
Re: Online Dating
Mar 27, 2005
[QUOTE=Snails] I'm really interested in meeting him in person to see if he's possibly as great as he seems...I'm kind of skeptical that someone could be like that and that I could meet him right away. But he's very interested in me and understanding about what I'm looking for right now...I think I'm going to meet him somewhere safe and public sometime soon, maybe for dinner. There are also a few other guys that have a lot of potential...how do you guys think I should handle things from here on in? Is it important to email back and forth for a long time before you meet in person? I kind of feel like I want to meet them so I don't end wasting time with someone I don't like at all in person. What should I be careful about, other than telling someone where I am, and calling to check in, being sure to meet somewhere safe, and wait until he's long gone to leave? What kind of things do you guys talk about with people you meet online? How often do you contact them, and how do you go about setting up dates? I feel completely new and clueless about this...any help, stories, experiences, or suggestions at all would be very much appreciated. Thanks guys--hope you're all having a fun weekend and doing well :).[/QUOTE]



Hi, Snails :wave: I think it's great that you are getting back out there. Goody never did the online dating, but as many of you already know I met Tom through a personal ad which pretty much is a similar thing.

My advice would be to get to know the guy via email as much as possible. In my case I answered Tom's ad which had minimal info and responded with a letter telling him alot about myself, my interests, physical appearance, education, religion, family, career, education, dreams, future goals etc. However, I felt I was at a disadvantage & requested that he write a letter back to tell me the same about himself. After that we spoke on the phone for over 2 hours & lined up a date. I preferred meeting in a public restaurant and didn't give out any personal info that would allow him to locate me such as my address or workplace. Not until I knew enough about him to trust him with that sort of info. For the most part....when I dated these guys I would go to public places or their place. Tom was the only one that I ended up taking home....he was a keeper :D

You just have to be smart...most of these guys are out to meet somebody like you but there are some that use this method of dating in the wrong way...but my feeling is that you can also meet a guy in a bar or someplace else with the same intentions. So...just use your senses and intuition. And have fun with it. Goody looks forward to sharing in your experiences here....it'll bring back great memories....Goody
Re: Online Dating
Mar 27, 2005
Hi everyone and thanks for the replies! So far I'm really liking online dating...I'm sure as I get more experience I'll get frustrated with people who aren't taking it seriously, flaking out, or just plain weirdos. But as mentioned previously, there's no reason why you couldn't meet these undesirable matches anywhere else...so far at least, it sounds and seems to me like online dating is a way of meeting people, just like any other. What happens after you meet doesn't necessarily have a lot to do with where you met--I can meet guys at parties/clubs/bars/libraries/colleges who are jerks, and guys at the same places who will make some woman very lucky someday. Being connected mainly though online methods like email and instant messenger could create problems with potential matches who seem very interested and promising at first but then disappear off the face of the earth. But you're likely to run into losers and jerks and guys who aren't really available anywhere you go...so I don't know. I like how online dating provides some anonyminity (I am a very private person). I don't like talking on the phone much and I certainly wouldn't want anyone dropping by uninvited, so in a lot of ways I like that guys online can't find the necessary information to bother or harass me. I also like the ability to screen out guys who don't fit my criteria for acceptable dates--it's so much fun to run a search engine on possible dates! :D Personally, I am completely unwilling to date a guy who is politically conservative, religious, short, or traditional in his views toward gender roles, and I just love screening out any guy I know I wouldn't like before he gets a chance to pursue me and make me uncomfortable.

I can see why online dating appeals to people who have lots of dating options, but enjoy the convenience, discretion, and ability to be picky provided by online dating sites. I'm sure there are plenty of losers on there and people with no hope of ever dating otherwise, but those people are everywhere, and just because you date online doesn't mean you are obligated to pursue anything with someone who doesn't interest you. I'm just glad to have a chance to look over their pictures before I have to commit to meeting them or anything--I don't mean to be shallow here, but I just don't see any point in dating someone to whom I feel absolutely no attraction. Maybe a guy has a lot to offer and would make a great friend, but if I don't have any physical/sexual attraction to him, I see no need to date him when there are so many cute, sexy guys out there. It probably helps to be fairly young as I am and therefore get to meet single guys before most of them have settled down, but on the other hand, meeting older guys increases one's chances of meeting someone older who is ready to commit. It all depends on what you're looking for, but I like that through online dating, you can pursue whatever sort of relationship you want. I like to be upfront and honest with men, and I like that online dating affords me the opportunity to screen out guys who I'm not interested in and guys who don't respect that I'm not looking for a serious, committed relationship at this time.

Nini, I definitely agree that not getting much more to go on than a picture and a basic profile isn't necessarily the best way to judge compatibility. Have you ever considered trying that dating site where they do a thorough personality profile on each member and make matches based on a a variety of compatibility measures? I think someone has mentioned that to you before, but it has struck me more than once since then that site might really appeal to you. I can see how you'd be frustrated through sorting through millions of profiles of guys your age who aren't necessarily looking to find love or settle down with a woman their own age...but I bet most of those guys go for sites with more members that provide minimal information along with easy access to pictures (which the site I mentioned does not seem to prioritize nearly as much). For someone like me, who isn't really interested in finding a serious relationship anytime soon, I think online dating is probably more attractive with less of a downside than for people like Nini who are ready to find love and settle down. Stormgirl makes an excellent point that there is no real way to tell someone's true intentions and situation over the internet, but then, as other posters replied, how can we be sure of anyone's true intentions (no matter where we meet them or how long we know them). Unfortunately, sometimes very promising relationships which are blessed with a great deal of love just cannot survive in the long run. It seems that everyday, more and more people are surprised at the hurtful betrayals of partners they adored, partners about whom they were SURE they knew absolutely EVERYTHING.

Nini, thanks a lot for your safety tips and advice. I was hoping to hear some suggestions for how to take as many precautions as possible, and your advice was really helpful. I definitely agree with you that it's very tough to judge whether there is any chemistry or connection with someone until you meet them in person (and unfortunately, even then, feeling that spark doesn't guarantee that things will end happily ever after). But I'm not opposed on going on a couple of not-so-great dinner dates as long as I get a free meal out of it! It's okay with me if things don't work out--at least I only wasted one evening, I got some valuable dating experience out of it (along with a nice meal), and I can rule out one prospect and move onto other, more promising, potential dates. I can imagine that it's a little more difficult to act according to the assumption that we can afford to be picky because there are always tons and tons of men left in the dating pool when you are closer to wanting to settle down, but I think we're all amazing women who should be very optimistic about our prospects.

I've never been one of those girls who believes that marriage is the pinnacle of achievement for every woman and dreams of her wedding day--quite the opposite, in fact. I very much enjoy the power, freedom, and independence of being a smart, young, liberated woman with all the opportunities in the world to pursue my passion. To me marriage is just the beginning of an equal, loving partnership (and not at all necessary for a happy, lifelong relationship, ESPECIALLY THE WEDDING PART--I would NEVER want to blow that much money on one stressful day!), not my ultimate goal in life which I expect to fulfill all my needs and desires. If nothing else--and believe me, I am incredibly grateful to Patrick for teaching me so much else about love and patience--I am glad we were together because now I have a much better grasp of the importance of being contented and fulfilled on your own before you jump into a committed relationship. Anyway, I know I've drifted a bit off topic here, but I hope you are all doing well and that some great new online dating opportunities show up for you soon. :) Take care everyone!

PS--Sophia, have you heard anything else from the AWOL guy :) (sorry, I just love Goody's terminology sometimes). I don't see why European guys wouldn't celebrate Easter or take advantage of the holiday to travel and see some friends or relatives. Please don't be too quick to write this guy off after only a few days--for all you know, something could be distracting him that has nothing to do with you. Don't worry any more than you have to before you know all the facts. Yes, I know some guys just disappear out of nowhere, but that's an inevitable risk of dating. Most of the time when you think everything is going well, it is, and any signs to the contrary are usually just coincidental. No matter what happens, I'm positive that it's nothing personal and therefore there was nothing you could have done to change things--so please just have faith in yourself and all your wonderful qualities, and trust that the right man for you will come along and be stunned at his luck to find a woman like you. Please take care of yourself, spoil yourself a little perhaps?, and keep us posted. I will be thinking of you, Nini, Lisa, and all the other lonely but wonderful posters out there and wishing you all the very best of luck in your search for love :angel:.
Re: Online Dating
Mar 28, 2005
[QUOTE=SophiaM]Hi again Stacy! I think Nini, Goody, and the other posters pretty much covered most of the issues and tips with online dating. And you sure sound like you will do just fine with it. The only thing that I differ on from Goody's view is that I think it's not necessary to email back and forth extensively. Better to exchange a few emails and if you like what you see/hear, agree to talk on the phone and arrange a date somewhere in a public place. I don't see much of a point in wasting a lot of time and energy on emails and very long phone conversations because you can always ask all the questions when you meet in person. Many times you would meet the person who seemed so 'perfect' on paper, and then you discover you have absolutely no attraction, and so you don't even care to find out all the details about what makes them tick anyway. I say meet within a week or two of the first email.

Oh, my AWOL guy (ha, ha :D ) did call! Turns out he does have some family here after all and was spending the Easter weekend with them, but he still wanted to see me yesterday. See, I just worry too much. I have a good time with this guy, but at the same time I am a little cautious too. The last thing I need is to be heartbroken again. He seems to be very attracted to me and I pretty much have to beat him off with a stick LOL, but even though that's flattering on some level, I am also not an idiot (not anymore at least) and I realize some guys just act that way when in reality they're after one thing only. Huh, have I become cynical or what? So I'm just gonna take my time and see. As I said, how do I know his real intentions? Heck, he might not even know his intentions after such a short time, but he seems to be very eager to have me stay over at his place. After I refused, he started murmuring something about that I must not like him, but I gave him this "stop BS-ing me" look and he immediately shut up. He's going away for a couple of weeks now, so who know's what's going to happen. He might forget all about me. He is a very handsome and intelligent guy, and women seem to be throwing themselves at him. I don't know..just have to wait and see.[/QUOTE]

Hi Sophia, I'm happy to hear that your AWOL guy wasn't AWOL after all. People often get busy and away from their normal routines around holidays and when dealing with family, so I'm not too surprised (but relieved and pleased) that your worrying was in vain. I really like your approach--it's not so much cynical as realistic and wise. People who are overly idealistic and trusting when it comes to dating usually end up being hurt more than people with more jaded views. Anyway, I hope things continue to go well between you and this guy (and with dating in general). It will be interesting to see what happens after he returns from his trip--I'll bet he'll be suprised at how much he missed you and thought of you and will be eager to see you again. I definitely think that saying "absense makes the heart grow fonder" is true when two people like each other, and if not, well at least you'll have a few weeks to scope out other promising possibilities ;). For what it's worth, I think you're handling him very wisely--it's always a good idea to be cautious and proceed slowly, but especially so with a man who is in demand. It will make him realize that you're worth waiting and working for and that you have enough self-respect and confidence to know that you can afford to be picky and take your time rather than throw yourself at any available guy. I agree with you about not waiting too long to meet someone you've talked to online--if there's no chemistry there, why bother wasting any more time? I know some people are willing to be patient and see if attraction develops over time, but I only want to devote time and energy to guys with whom I feel a spark and mutual physical attraction.

Greeneyes, thanks for sharing your experiences, and I wish you lots of luck with dating. I admire your attitude that relationships are fun and nice to have, but certainly not essential for a person to have a happy and fulfilling life. It sounds like you have a great attitude toward dating--no wonder those younger guys are after you! ;) I'm sorry to hear that you haven't found anyone you really like online yet, but you never know what will happen next, so I hope you don't give up unless you really want to, not because you're discouraged. I can imagine that it would be tough to find appealing single men once you reach an age where most people are married and single women outnumber single men, but there have to be some great guys still out there. Some people don't find "the one" until well after they retire, so you never know--anyway, I hope you're having fun looking for the right guy for you.

Personally, I'm not too worried for guys who are just looking for flings or purely physical relationships. I think I can spot those guys pretty quickly, and anyway, I'm not looking to jump into a relationship right now either. I just want to date around casually for awhile and enjoy being on my own. In the past I've usually jumped into one relationship right after another (not intentionally, but just because that particular timing was when I seemed to meet guys I liked). But now I want to take my time and see what's out there before I commit to any one guy, so it's okay with me if the guys I date feel the same way for the time being. Besides, no matter what anyone says about not being ready for a relationship or not looking for anything serious, that all flies out the window if and when they meet someone who blows them away, someone that they don't want to risk letting get away from them. I've been under the weather for the past few days and haven't checked my email much, so I don't have anything new to report about my online dating adventures. However, there is a friend of mine who I am very interested in (and have been since even before I met Patrick)--I think I'll start a separate thread on that subject and see what you guys have to say. Anyway, have a great week, everyone, and good luck with online dating along with everything else!
Re: Online Dating
Mar 29, 2005
Sophia, I'm sorry too that the online guy turned out to be a loser. I think it's encouraging that you've had reservations about the boyfriends who turned out to be wrong for you--that means you will be discriminating and perceptive enough to spot the right guy when he comes along. I've thought that most of my serious boyfriends were the "ones" for me, but clearly I was wrong every time. Oh well, I guess at least I know that I can have a good relationship both physically and as friends with more than one guy, so I can try to think of those failed relationships in a more positive light. Yuck. I'm trying to be optimistic, but I'm still sad sometimes about breaking up.

Nini, I sincerely hope you aren't resigned to being a virgin forever! I just know the right guy will come along for you someday...especially if you believe that is true or at least are a bit hopeful. I really hope you get to experience sex with a man you love...or don't love. Personally, I've never had to be emotionally involved to want and thoroughly enjoy fooling around with a guy, but I know that is important to you and it's good that you respect your own boundaries. I think I might have a hard time being that patient to hold out for sex with someone I loved, but I think it's a smart choice and admire people who do/can. I guess I'm not a very patient person, because I've only been single for a few weeks and already I'm drooling over a few guys and anxious to see what happens ;). I am going to dinner with one of them this weekend, and the other is a friend who I know is interested in me (or was...I'm not sure what his deal is now). There are also a couple really cute guys besides the one I'm meeting this weekend who I have been talking to online...they seem pretty promising, but who knows. So far I like online dating a lot because you get to screen and avoid certain people--I also like communicating over email rather than in person/on the phone initially. My problem is I hate talking on the phone and guys keep giving me their numbers and wanting to talk on the phone...what should I do when they say they'd rather talk on the phone than over email, because I feel the opposite way? I'd rather meet in person than have a phone conversation--I don't mind phoning to make plans, but just to talk about whatever?? NO THANKS!! Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Thanks guys and have a good night.
Re: Online Dating
Mar 29, 2005
[QUOTE=Snails]
Nini, I sincerely hope you aren't resigned to being a virgin forever! I just know the right guy will come along for you someday...especially if you believe that is true or at least are a bit hopeful. I really hope you get to experience sex with a man you love...or don't love. Personally, I've never had to be emotionally involved to want and thoroughly enjoy fooling around with a guy, but I know that is important to you and it's good that you respect your own boundaries. I think I might have a hard time being that patient to hold out for sex with someone I loved, but I think it's a smart choice and admire people who do/can. I guess I'm not a very patient person, because I've only been single for a few weeks and already I'm drooling over a few guys and anxious to see what happens ;). I am going to dinner with one of them this weekend, and the other is a friend who I know is interested in me (or was...I'm not sure what his deal is now). There are also a couple really cute guys besides the one I'm meeting this weekend who I have been talking to online...they seem pretty promising, but who knows. So far I like online dating a lot because you get to screen and avoid certain people--I also like communicating over email rather than in person/on the phone initially. My problem is I hate talking on the phone and guys keep giving me their numbers and wanting to talk on the phone...what should I do when they say they'd rather talk on the phone than over email, because I feel the opposite way? I'd rather meet in person than have a phone conversation--I don't mind phoning to make plans, but just to talk about whatever?? NO THANKS!! Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Thanks guys and have a good night.[/QUOTE]

When they give you their phone numbers, why not just call them up just to say "hey, you wanna meet for coffee or a drink? I feel more comfortable getting to know someone face to face." You think that could work?

My dabblings with the ol' friend with benefits taught me that casual sex isn't my thing. I messed around with him twice, and I cried in the middle of it both times because it was just so emotionally hollow and empty feeling. Nah, I need to be in love for sexual contact to be worthwhile for me. ANd whether I'm blessed with the miracle of having someone to love, I'm doing my part as best I can, the rest is up to God I guess.
Re: Online Dating
Apr 1, 2005
Oh wow, Nini--a guy who smells bad? I agree, EEEEWW!! I wouldn't know what to do...fortunately I don't think that is a very common problem but yikes! As far as the phone date guy goes, I think it's fine to play it cool and call him back when it's convenient for you. It isn't good to be too eager. Although with online dating, it's good to be relatively punctual about getting back to people or risk having them assume you aren't interested and move on. I am really, really sorry to hear about all the terrible job nonsense you're all having to deal with lately. That's really unfair and maddening...I blame it all on a certain administration :mad:, but that's not a discussion to have here :eek:, and regardless, it's a terrible thing. I hope you are all fortunate enough to find something else that you like to pay the bills very soon...you are all so smart that I'm sure it will work out ok :).

Well so far online dating is going great. I like it a lot and I can't thank you all enough for your help! Your advice has been great so far and because of it, I feel good about what I'm doing when I'm involved in this dating stuff. I'm actually keeping a notebook (was hoping that would make Goody proud :D,)
to keep track of everyone's name and info. So far there are 8 guys who I really like everything about (so far) and have been communicating back and forth with pretty regularly. Starting this weekend, I'm going to begin meeting them and seeing if I like anyone enough for a second date. I think I'm going to push for meeting them for dinner or drinks, depending on how much I like them, so that either way at least I get something to eat/drink for my time :D. Hey, so far dating seems a lot cheaper and more fun than being in a relationship!! I'll have to wait and see. I'm really excited though tonight to be talking frequently with some guys that are very quite with whom I share a lot of interests and traits. It will be pretty fun to get all dressed up and go out with the exciting feel of not knowing what will happen. Maybe I'm just getting my hopes up way too high here because I've never had that much experience with dating, although I would have liked to and I partially compensated by cheating when I was younger :nono:.

I bet the novelty will wear off pretty fast once I actually start meeting these guys and I'll be back to missing Patrick and realizing what a high standard he set :confused: and being miserable all the time really soon. But oh well, I am pretty much miserable every day anyway, it can't get much worse. In the meantime I'm just trying to get through one thing at a time and focus on the moments when I'm happy and/or distracted from the pain of missing him. I really hope it's not a complete letdown once I meet these guys :confused:. There are lots of fish in the sea, I guess, and lots of ways to catch them, but still. Well maybe it will be a sign that I'm not really ready to go on with dating yet like nothing happened. Sorry guys for rambling on here and worrying on paper...I hope you are all sleeping well and nice and snug and that tomorrow your problems aren't as bad & you feel better :). Happy April Fools, everyone!
Re: Online Dating
Apr 3, 2005
Hi Goody and thanks so much for your sweet words of support. As always, your advice and encouragement is really helpful and inspiring to me--and this time, so is the example you set back in the days of real newspaper (?) personal ads! :D I was pleased with the date tonight--the guy was very sweet and respectful and we had a lot in common just as it seemed during our online conversations. He is certainly very sexy and drop dead gorgeous, which is always a sweet bonus ;). But I'm not on the market for settling down anytime soon. I've never had more than a few months here and there since my early teens when I was single and completely free and unattached, and I plan to take full advantage (and all possible enjoyment) out of this experience after so many years of being tied down!! There are still 3-5 more men who have expressed interest in dating me and have kept up a consistent flow of communication. So far I LOVE what I see and really like what I read about them in their profiles, emails, and instant messages. It's just so fun and cool to be able to sort through men like I'm searching for a particular item of clothing on a clothing store website! I guess this is particularly exciting for me because I have some pretty strong preferences when it comes to who I will date...I'm not interested in guys under 6 feet tall, guys who smoke cigarettes (with occasional rare exceptions), musicians, motorcycle riders (tacky and dangerous :eek:, plus I promised my mom never to ride one), conservatives or other synophants who unquestionably accept and repeat everything the current administration and its media cronies tells them, and men who are involved with religion. In my experience, the more deeply a man believes in his religion, the less likely he is to support gender equality--I think this holds true for Christians, Muslims, and even most conservative and Orthodox Jews. I don't see much point in wasting time with guys I'd never consider as serious boyfriends, so I limit my responses to those guys who contact me and fit my criteria/requirements. It's pretty fun to get to be a discriminating shopper...not to mention try on anything I like in the store!...especially when it comes to men who I love like many women love shoes or clothes or jewelry, etc. I am setting up another dinner date tomorrow and am seeing my cute college friend the following night, so all of a sudden my dating life has heated up again after a very icy spell. I can't wait to meet more of these cute guys and see what else we have in common! Ok, I know I'm exuberant so far, but please don't worry because I am fully expecting my bubble to burst anyday now as I'm sure I'll soon get a firsthand experience of the downside of online dating. But I know a positive, upbeat, and confident attitude charms guys quicker than beer and football, so I will try to stay as focused on the good parts of my life as possible and hope the pain of this breakup continues to recede further and further in the distance each day :angel:.
Re: Online Dating
Apr 8, 2005
Nini, I'm kind of confused by some things you said in your last long post, not your most recent one, and was hoping you could clarify a bit more. First off, I think it's really, really important, as Sophia said, not to let any one guy sour you on every guy, online dating, or dating in general. It's so easy to have a bad experience and then extrapolate that onto everything else in the future...i.e., you screw up at work and then adopt the mindset that you're an incompetant loser and might as well just give up because you'll always be screwing up over and over (believe it or not, all these future worries and more really can arise out of just one relatively minor incident!). You never can really know what's going on with someone else, which is why it's important not to let one individual have too much impact on your outlook and decisions. This guy could be traveling, sick, have met someone else, gone back to an ex, decided he doesn't want to date at this time, or any of a million other reasons that don't reflect on you personally in any way. Please don't let one (or several) potential matches that fizzle out affect the way you feel about yourself and your prospects for finding love again. Chances are, they had little to nothing to do with you, so letting them undermine your optimism and faith in yourself would be a huge shame.

I do agree with you that there's no point in "kissing a lot of frogs" if you're 100% sure off the bat that you wouldn't consider entering into a relationship with them. While I'm still probably 10 years away from wanting to marry and start a family, I know that for you Nini and many other women here, you're looking to meet your future husband and settle down sooner rather than later. That's completely understandable, but it means that you'll take a different approach to dating than someone like me in her twenties who is really just looking to have some fun, meet a lot of new people including both potential friends and boyfriends, and gaining more experience and insight into what kind of guy with whom I eventually hope to spend my life. But there's a difference between dating guys you see no hope whatsoever for and keeping an open mind for guys that might appear to be frogs but actually turn into princes once you give them a chance and get to know them better. Nini, I know that ideally you'd like to meet the man of your dreams tomorrow and not have to waste another day (or unsuccessful date) in the process of searching for this man, but unfortunately just because you want things to work out this way doesn't mean they will (they hardly ever do for anyone!).

If you had the option to find your prince immediately on the first try or instead kiss a lot of frogs, obviously every woman (at least the majority of women who are actively looking to settle into a serious relationship) would choose the former. But in actuality, the choices single people looking for a partner face are less clear-cut and appealing: you can either accept that while dating, you're going to meet a lot of frogs but keep trying, keep meeting new people, and keep your hopes up, OR you can decide you aren't willing to waste any more time dating frogs and just give up entirely on actively pursuing Mr. Right. But this means resigning yourself to a life of being single, which while fine and even desirable for some people, is as we all know, Nini, your idea of hell on earth. I really hope you go with the first option I outlined, even though I do agree with you most of the time when people stumble across their future life partners, it happens by chance when they are not aggressively searching for "the one." I think that's because a woman who is confident, content, and independent on her own is infinitely more attractive to all men than a woman who is clearly anxious, even desperate, to find a boyfriend/husband because she feels lost and incomplete as a single woman. I know, Nini, that you'd describe yourself as falling into the latter category and don't see any way (short of finding love) to join that first group of women, but please remember that many people successfully project attitudes that don't reflect their true, inner feelings every single day in order to achieve what they want. Why can't you do the same? Well, there's absolutely no reason why you can't (and shouldn't!) You know the saying, fake it until you make it? It really does work wonders, especially when it comes to dating. Most of the time when I've been single I truly have been happy to be free of my last relationship and on my own, but there have also been times when I've been lonely, sad, and craving a new man to love. In those instances, I tried my best to give off the opposite impression--that I couldn't care less if I was single for the rest of my life--and the men came running! Even though you may be chomping at the bit to find the love of your life and get married, it will never happen if you let any glimpses of this desperation show through to men, who have an uncanny radar for women they perceive as needy and eager to trap a man into commitment.

Nini, where did you get the idea that you should steer clear of people who don't answer their phone? If this is a gut instinct, I would strongly advise you to ignore it, because I just don't think it holds true. If anything, I'd be wary of someone who always answered their phone whenever someone called (because don't they have a life, things to do and people to see, or anything at all better to do than sit by the phone)? I'd rather leave a message most of the time than always have a guy answer his phone, because at least then I know he keeps busy and is independent enough to leave behind, ignore, or turn off his phone when he doesn't want to be bothered. Maybe I just feel this way because it's very rare that anyone actually gets me to answer my own phone. I just don't feel any obligation to be tied to that phone and constantly available for anyone who wants to reach me. I pay for the phone, and it should be there for me to use when I want and to ignore when I don't want to talk to anyone. Actually, I think when dating, it's good to be hard to reach and somewhat elusive...an air of mystery and elusiveness are very attractive qualities from the typical male point of view. Let them wonder what else I'm doing when they get my voicemail--I'll return their calls, if I want, when I'm ready. No guy has ever given up on pursuing me because they could only get my voicemail--in fact, for some, it seems to make them even more interested and determined to meet me. Even though I'm notoriously hard to reach and rarely pick up my phone, I don't think this is a red flag that signifies a shady person whom you should avoid. If anything, it shows that he's got a busy life and lots of more important and fun things to do than sit around waiting by the phone, hoping someone will call. Nini, this is just my admittedly biased opinion, but I really don't think you should rule out guys just because they're hard to get in touch with--that fact alone is a pretty silly reason to rule someone out; it could be totally innocent or benign, and he could very well be a wonderful, busy guy. Please reconsider viewing this as a red flag, because I know lots of great, trustworthy people besides myself who rarely pick up their phones. I'd hate to see you let one of these guys go when he could be just what you're looking for, especially since not finding that man is what's keeping you mired in depression and hopelessness about your future.

I also disagree that you have to be willing to settle for a guy who is good on paper to successfully find love. While I agree when you say it's important to be open in the sense of not prematurely closing yourself off to potential partners, I'd never recommend settling for someone with whom you feel no chemistry. That's the quickest recipe for a short, unhappy relationship that I can think of...never settle!! Instead, try to evaluate each profile optimistically and decide whether, IF you did meet this guy and feel intense physical desire, you and he could be a compatible couple. If you're looking to settle down for good at this point, I wouldn't waste your time on anyone with whom you disagree on issues that are very important to you (like kids, religion, etc.), but otherwise, try to remain as open-minded and hopeful as possible. I hope you don't give up on online dating completely because you'd had some bad experiences...like anything else, you have to be persistent and go through a lot of different attempts before you succeed. Even the worst dates teach you something about what you don't want in a guy and provide an opportunity to hone your conversation skills (along with a free meal :D!!)

I haven't had too much to report...I've been regularly communicating with about five guys and am in the process of setting up real life dates with most of them. I'm a bit flaky and can be hard to pin down, but by the end of this weekend, I'll get to meet at least one more guy and see if there's any potential there. There are a few guys who are interested in me who I really like so far and think could make good dates, and others with whom I'll probably be better off as friends. I'll keep you guys posted and try to keep living up to Goody's standard of several dates a week! :D Good luck guys and have a great weekend!





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:10 AM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!