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Hello everyone,

well I am feeling a lot better right now. No, my ex and I are not together again! Last night, his sisters and mum came down to take me out to dinner. We had a great time, until the end when his sister started to talk to me about him. She told me that he said I had broken up with him and that he was miserable. Well, I knew he wouldn't be miserable, and that she was just trying to make me feel better. She and I talked about what was going on and she thought I had made the right decision, but having recently gone through the same thing herself, she thought it was a mistake not to have done it in person because she said she knew I would go insane waiting and wondering. She said it needed resolution, and that he had told her he wasn't planning on coming to see me before I left. Well of course I was upset to hear that...she suggested I come for Easter dinner and talk to him. I knew this was probably a bad idea, but I went ahead with it anyway...I know, I know. His sister and I sat up all night and talked and had fun and it was really good to be able to share everything with her, even though I don't agree with everything she says about her brother. She was trying to make me feel better. He was sleeping on the couch, and she kept going over to him and saying "look at this face, he looks like a pug! You don't want to be kissing this in 10 years!" Very immature but it was funny, even though I couldn't see it (he is gorgeous to me - part of my problem!). Well this morning he was at first being stubborn and said we had nothing to talk about, that I had dumped him and obviously was no longer "steady". I told him I knew that was what he wanted so not to play games with me, that we both knew it was just an easy way out for him. I told him I needed him to be honest with me. Well he didn't want to talk. At breakfast, his parents were expressing concern over how thin I have become. He led me aside and asked me if I was eating and I broke down and told him how horrible I have been feeling, how it has been emotional torture for me. I told him I needed to leave and I said goodbye to his parents, that I wouldn't be coming back, and he told me he was taking me home so we could talk. Well, we had a really good talk. He told me he didn't want to do long distance, that before he thought we could try it, but that my letter made him realize how lost we have become and it wouldn't be any point. He acknowledged that he had been treating me horribly, and said that he had wanted to be single for a long time, but didn't know how to do it without hurting me and didn't know if that was what he wanted himself. He said he loves me, but that he just can't committ himself to our relationship right now with the pressures of starting his company. I asked him if it was over, or if he just needed time, and he said he doesn't want to rule anything out, but that he doesn't want to promise me anything either because he is not sure when/if or how long it will be before he is ready. He told me he doesn't want me to wait for him if someone comes along, but that he has no interest or intention of pursuing anyone else, that it is just the relationship he can't handle right now, and it doesn't have anything to do with me. He said because things have been so unstable between us for so long we lost our friendship and he wants us to work on getting that back. He mentioned that he thought our sex life which has always been good has gotten even better while everything else has been going down the tube, which is true, and that he wants us to put that on hold till/if we recover the other parts of our relationship. I mentioned that some of my best memories of us were when he was still living out east and we weren't yet official. We would talk every sunday for hours, and we called it our ritual sunday talk. He always said he looked so forward to that all week and so did I. He told me he wants us to begin that again, and if we ever do get back together that the sex is something we can look forward to. I asked him again if it was the end of us, and he said no, that our relationship is changing and that all he can ask for is time and space for now. Obviously I am willing to give that to him, and even though I know many of you will say that I will never get over him this way, I don't want to either. I want to give him what he needs right now, and I realize I probably should have done that a long time ago when he asked for a break and I was too scared to give it to him. This gives us both time to focus on our own things, while still having the friendship. He has told me that he doesn't intend to see anyone else, that all he would see is pictures of me dancing through his mind anyway. that eased my mind a lot, even though I know all about famous last words. He took me home and drove all over town stopping at every restaurant to buy food and then groceries to fatten me up. I asked him if he feels uncomfortable with me calling him sweetie etc still and telling him I love him and he said no, that he will still be that way with me too and he kissed me goodbye. It felt like "us" again...and even though I know we are now officially broken up, I feel like I have my best friend back again and I know that now that I am on my own, we won't be fighting over the future. Yes, I really hope things work out and he comes back to me, and yes I will be heartbroken if that doesn't happen, but right now this is all he can offer me and I actually think it is our best chance. I know that should we ever get back together, we have a lot of things to discuss. I just want to become the person he was when he first fell in love with me again: independent, happy and focused on my career, and maybe when we get our own things together again we can focus on rebuilding our relationship.

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