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Relationship Health Message Board


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Emma, sorry I haven't read to the end of this thread yet, but I think that in your first post you are being a little tough on him...I don't think his behavior indicates that something is really wrong. You keep mentioning how upset and mad you are that he broke your plans, but these plans are not specially arranged or anything--you were just going to sit around and watch a movie. How is that such a big deal to break the kinds of plans that aren't really even planning anything and can happen anytime? I just am saying this to try to help you avoid causing needless drama and tension in this relationship, because I used to do that unknowingly in the past and guys hated it. Remember how much you love and missed this guy, how happy you were that things worked out--now do you really want to be angry at him for not following through on your "plans" to watch a movie and sit around? I used to get mad about lots more things than I do now, just on principle because I didn't ever want to get walked all over. But in the end I realized that I was often creating conflict when there was no reason at all to do that to this relationship, which I otherwise liked. You can't control what he does, but you can control how you react--please try to take a few seconds and think before you make a big deal out of something. "Is this really important to me or significant in terms of our relationship? Is it something I really want to start an unneccessary disagreement and prompt stress and unhappiness over? Once you start making a conscious effort to pick your battles, life can become a lot easier, happier, and more peaceful. At least that has been my experience in serious relationships throughout the last 10 years or so.

I don't mean at all to say that all this is your fault; quite the contrary. But the only thing you can control (and not feel helpless and powerless :confused: over) is yourself and how you react and act towards other people. I think the best way to maintain a healthy balance between standing up for yourself and not offending, ignoring, or minimizing anyone else is to think carefully before you make an issue out of something that could be tense and even hostile among a certain group of people. If the issue is something you really want to bring up and resolve, by all means go for it. But if it is a comment that might be easier and smarter to just let go or wait and say to one person privately later, then that's probably the best way to go. But I don't know if you should listen to me on this anyway because I have always been much more outspoken, insistent, stubborn, assertive and confrontational than any girl, and many guys, that I've known.

Anyway Emma, I don't mean to be critical but this does seem to me to be a fairly minor, benign issue--why fight over it and cause distance between you and your BF and even risk undermining your future relationship? Remember time is precious to him in a way we can not imagine and understandably he seems to want to make the most of every moment because the future is sadly so uncertain. I have a friend who is expected to die by 30 or so and most of his life choices are much different than his social and intellectual peers...I believe everyone should live for their own happiness as well as love for those they adore and admire. There are no guarantees, so I also think it's a smart idea to live for the present and try to make yourself as content and satisfied as possible with life.





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